Alcohol/drug addiction (20 year old DS)

[soupsong]

DS is an addict; mainly alcohol but also cocaine and diazepam. Has spiralled over the last few years.
He is a student living 8 hours away but home for Xmas.

I am at my wits end with the lies, stealing of alcohol and lack of trust. I hate having to hide the few festive bottles I bought - he still found them.
He tells me he is getting support at university but I think that is very low key

I have signposted him to several organisations but it all gets ignored. Offered to pay for counselling, detox - ignored.

He has No money his loan was drained within a few weeks, no part time work. It is making me ill and I worry about having him under the same roof as younger DD.
I'm so close to telling him to go and stay with his Dad for remainder of the holiday.

@soupsong just returning to see how you are. I’m sorry it’s been a really tough few days for you.
We too had a nightmare Christmas and new year and have all decided that we need to cut my son off - in order to force the „rock bottom“ he needs in order to get better and face his illness. It’s horrible.

I have such empathy for you OP and I am sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry to read your update, it goes against every mother's instinct to put in these extreme boundaries but sometimes it's all you have left.

In my case I'm doing this solo as Ex refuses to communicate and I'm therefore doubting every move I make with DS. There is no support or unified approach.

@MaggieBsBoat @soupsong I feel for both of you. My DS is very troubled but won't accept any help. I am away this weekend and he is constantly on my mind.

My heart is breaking but I'm also very angry with him.

I'm sorry you are going though this. I never foresaw this happening with my DS. It is devastating😔

@soupsong you are so right. And this is what is hardest. I have had to make lots of calls with my ex (his bio dad) and his brother so that we have a united front, but because of distance it will be hard to ensure it. I cannot imagine how hard it will be with an uncommunicative and unhelpful ex. Will he undermine you though by giving in to your DS?

@Whistledown2 the real horror of it is creeping up on you, like an uninvited guest isn’t it. After Christmas I now feel so judged by people in the extended family who saw my son‘s behaviour and I could hear talking about my parenting my back - as if we create this problem, as if we have damned our children to addiction and mental health issues. Like you, my son is ever present in my mind, along with the questions of how I’ve hurt him or done things wrongly, or the basic what can i do to just make it stop. The emotional exhaustion is so hard for us all.

I am so sorry 💐

@MaggieBsBoat I had 2 days respite over Christmas, it felt 'normal'. Back to reality.

I said in my previous post I was angry with him, it's not him it's the situation I'm angry about and the fact I cannot fix it. As a Mum you protect your children, you 'kiss it better' and that's what I want to be able to do here, it's futile. My DS has to decide himself😔

People shouldn't judge, it's not their place. You need support not judgement. Luckily I don't have that, that's just another layer of pressure you don't need.