My boyfriend lives with his mother who is an active crackhead

[Lordhelpmepleaselol]

My boyfriend lives with his mother who is an active crack user. She recently started using Fentanyl again as well. I cannot stand her. She doesn't give a fuck about how it's affecting my boyfriend and how depressed and suicidal it has made him. She continues to use every day and pathologically lie about her sobriety and where money is going and shows my boyfriend no respect.

I've told him he should cut her out of his life, ignore her existence in the house and just detach emotionally from her. But he says he can't do that. I've told him to stop helping her with things. She's like an overgrown child who asks him to help her with even simple mundane tasks all average adults do. He says he's tried that in the past and it won't help. I'm at a loss here. She's ruined the last two months for him and it's infuriating. I cannot stand this woman. She's used since he was in the womb, been sober a few times but always gone back.

She talks about going to detox and back into a rehab program but the detox is a multi-month waiting list at this point. He's afraid she will end up dead before she can get help.

What advice would be recommended in this situation? I know there's no "fixing" it but I want my boyfriend quality of life to be safe.

That sounds very difficult for everyone.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

You can't force him unfortunately. How long have you.been together?

All he can do is move out and cut her out of his life. Can he afford to live on his own.

He has shown you that he will put his mother first no matter what. It doesn't matter how it affects him or how it affects you. I would be rethinking the relationship altogether as this will be an ongoing and never ending battle.

He can't cut her out of his life while he's still living with her. Does he have a plan?

There's absolutely nothing you can do here, for the sake of your own mental health the best thing you could do would be to end the relationship.

It's important to know how old he is OP.

Does he work?

You can't begin to understand the complexity of family situations like this unless you have lived through extreme family dysfunction.

Without a great deal of support and stability in his life he will not be able to just walk away from his mother. They may have a co dependent relationship. He may be trauma bonded to her. These things are incomprehensible to ' normal ' people. So please don't push him unless you fully understand the situation he is in. You will also need to consider how this life has impacted him emotionally and how that may show up in his relationship with you.

The guy has all my sympathy.

Sadly, this.

We've known each other for four years, been together for only about a year :/ it is super difficult

Unfortunately he doesn't have the financial stability to move out at this time

He doesn't have a plan sadly. I only recommended he cut her out of his life while living with her as I did the same thing with my abusive father in my teen years before I moved out. Had very little to no contact and little to no emotional connection left.

I hope your contraception is absolutely bullet proof.

He's 19 and doesn't work. I love him to bits and I've been around to see his mother succeed and then fail sideways multiple times over the last four years. I lived in an abusive household as a kid and in my teen years I stopped associating with my father, though, we still lived in the same house of course. We've talked extensively about what he's been through and I've always showed my love and emotional support for him. I just feel like I'm at a dead end when it comes to advice... Maybe this is a journey he has to figure out on his own without me advising him?

It's completely unrealistic to expect or ask anything of him whilst he's living there. He has to do everything in his power to get out of the house and live somewhere alone. Council housing would possibly be ideal for him but he might have very little hope of getting that.

Why don't you just get another boyfriend? One with a job and no problems. Imagine how happy and peaceful that relationship could be.

Fair enough. I suppose it's just not something I can help with in terms of advice at this point. I'm absolutely fine with continuing to be emotionally supportive. I plan to move to where he is in the next year or so after I finish my bachelors and I have offered for him to move in with me when he feels ready. However, that is a long ways away considering the gravity of the situation.

Honestly, it sounds like you need to walk away. It sounds like things are not going to change with him.

Why is he not working? Realistically things may not change for years and years.What worked for you and your dad may not work for him. Honestly I suggest you move on.

It sounds very messy for you. If he is not working and living there this is awful for you. Make sure you do everything you can not to fall pregnant. It will be an awful outcome for you guys right now and any baby born into this situation.

I imagine he has mental health struggles with all this. If he isn't a drug user himself then that is something because every risk is there that he would be in this situation.

Maybe the best support you can give him is to encourage him to be independent and get a job. To work towards renting a place of his own. I think if you feel the need to support him then this is the best area to focus on.

If he leaves the house and works, the problem is solved.

Remember this is not your problem to fix though. He will have to find his own way in this world at some point. Just take care of yourself financially here and make sure you aren't getting too overwhelmed by his mum's behaviour yourself.

What I would do is run far away as quickly as I could. You can neither influence what path she takes or how he deals with this horrible situation. Are you in your early 20s? It sounds like you've found a project who you're going to try to rescue. Advice is generally ignored and for good reason - your boyfriend will suceed or fail on his own.

Don't waste your time on a man who doesn't work. You'll eventually have yourself a cocklodger who'll put a crackhead first. It's not up to you to save him. Run for the hills. Plenty of men out there who work and don't have all this baggage.

You sound like the saviour type.

(I recognise this as I am too)

There are plenty of men out there who can get jobs and support themselves and don't live with crackheads. Sounds like he's been dealt a tough hand, fair enough, but that he's doing nothing to escape it. He WILL drag you down with him. Look after yourself first. You're young, getting a degree, eloquent, don't get involved in this mess.

Evening, all. It looks like the OP has deregistered so we're taking this down now.