Husband missed school nativity because of cocaine.

[MarellaJoy]

My husband is a cocaine addict. It all came out last year where he admitted taking cocaine on most if not all 'nights out'. He would class his addiction as 'not that bad' as he can have social drink with family etc without thinking about coke.

I had no idea he was taking cokAlford I years until he admitted it last year. Which also hurts with the years of lying. I thought he may have taken drugs on stag dos and lads holidays or when he was a teen but not as a 35 year old man. I stupidly thought it was just hangovers from alcohol...apprently i should have known.

Anyway, today my husband missed our sons christmas nativity play because last night he went out on a bender. I was so angry but mostly upset for my son who immediately asked him why daddy wasn't there. I lied and said he was at work.

I'm just fed up. I feel like I've been supporting him to get help and continually get sucked into this cycle where I believe things will actually change but they don't. Missing his nativity felt like a final straw..I seem to have moved my goal post futher and further on what is acceptable. He used to disappear on nights out with no communication. Or he would message and say I'm on my way home and then never come home until the next day...or fall asleep when hungover and I've asked him to watch the kids.

I feel like I'm giving up on him which goes against the whole principle of 'sickness and in health'. But I cant cope with the continuous feeling of hurt everytime he dissappears and hurt at what his actions cause.

Zero point to this post. Just looking for reassurance I guess.

I understand the 'in sickness and in health' thing but honestly in your shoes my priority would always be my child. This is not a healthy role model and I would not waste precious childhood and my prime years on this loser. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic and I'm afraid it's left me with very little sympathy for addicts who are incredible selfish, indulgent people hiding behind the excuse that it's not their fault they are ill. It's not your child's fault either!

Reposting as the first one was badly phrased and so wrong points answered too (already aware so thank you).

So after Christmas I will be asking my DH for a separation. It won't come as a surprise to him...he asked for 6 weeks to prove he can change and be the DH and DF we deserve but nothing has changed.

I need to know how best to prepare for this as I know it will be tough. All advice and personal experience is welcome. I have already spoken to a solicitor who has given me generic advice which was helpful. Any other services I can speak with?

My DH are 3 and 5 for context. We have been married for 4 years together for 10 years. His family live far away. Mine live about 30-45mins away.

We will both need time to figure things out such as him finding a nearby flat and me finding someone to help with nights (max 2 months and then he needs have found somewhere?!) I work nights and oncall so currently looking into an au pair. I also have family who are amazing and will definitely help me where possible.

Advice Needed:
How and when do you tell the kids?

Practical childcare custody arrangements.

I've calculated what he should be able to afford to give us pm so I'll request this and see how it goes.

Do you have to be separated for a certain amount of time before being divorced?
I really want to stay in our family home. The mortgage is as high as what I would have to pay for a 2 bed flat in the same area. I also can't afford to buy him out.

Did anyone successfully come to an agreement such as (When/if I sell the house when the kids are much older you can then have your share of the equity based on the value when you left).
Im finally feeling strong and confident in my decision. So thank you in advance for the practical advice/support!

What greater reason is there to seek help for an addiction than disappointing your child?

Once he realised that he missed his son's nativity and let him down that should be the wake up call he needs to seek help immediately and vow never to take drugs again.

If he doesn't get help and vow not to take drugs he's an unfit husband and father and it's pointless staying with him and letting your children grow up with a deadbeat dad in the home .

As long as you stay with him you are putting him first. Asking as you stay with him your children do not have a parent who is completely on their side.

Well done for recognising that you need to make a move.

Oh don't be ridiculous @Jostuki I'm sure he's "vowed" to give up drugs a hundred times. Vowing's easy, all addicts do it.

Your kids are so young they don't need the family house they'll be fine growing up in whatever you can afford

When my husband and first wife split up he agreed that she could stay in the family house until their dc was 18, or 21 if dc went to uni. He had some kind of legal proof of his interest in the house (not sure exactly what).

After that the family house was sold, his ex downsized and DH received 55% of the equity. The percentage had been agreed at the time of the divorce.

It did require DH to be willing and able to wait 15 years for the money of course, and trust his ex to move promptly when the time came. Both DH and his ex were very reasonable people and it worked well for them.

Ask him to leave. Well tell him to! Don’t leave the family home. He needs a massive wake up call.

You can do it. Just think next time you won’t be worrying if he’ll turn up high or not coming to a play. You can just look forward to seeing your child.

Saying this as someone who had an addiction ex (alcohol in his case). One of the best things you can do for your kids and for yourself is ask him to leave. Ironically it’s the best thing you can do for him too- you won’t be enabling this crazy behaviour any more.
That’s not the reason to do it- that’s all about you and the kids. You need to get out for them and for yourself. Full stop. Do it. I left it far too long - kept hoping he would recover, believed all the affirmations that things would change.
Guess what they didn’t until I actually did get him to leave. But there is no guarantee obviously - that’s up to him.

My advice for what it’s worth- get support for you. you need it as you are the strong one for your little ones. Whether that’s here, or a cocaine addiction support group or a really good friend, support is so helpful.

I took over 10 years to get the strength to get him to leave. I look back and am angry with him for ruining my enjoyment of the kids childhood, what should have been good times were too often stressful and upsetting. Also I’m angry with myself for keeping on hoping. Don’t wait and delay. Good luck.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. After quite a few let downs, she ended the relationship. She feels freer, and he’s still caught in a cycle of letting down their child

he won’t change.

I'd be pissed off about the money he's wasting on it. I know guys who do coke every weekend, but it really does catch up with you. The ones in their 40s look at least ten years older. Hopefully you can convince him to quit for his health and his wallet, but especially his relationship.
There's a chance he'll just lie and hide it though. It's quite easy to just say you're out drinking and not being on the sniff when you are.

Do you not worry the kids will find some ? Or social services may get involved.
What do you plan to do when they are older and click on to the situation? And they ask why did you stay in that situation.
To him he doesn't need to change as he knows he can get away with it all.
Maybe if you did do somthing drastic it may force him to get help and stick to it .

He isn't sick, he's selfish

Weren't the right fit = he has no intention of stopping but makes the occasional show of trying because he wants you to shut up about it.

He’s not ill, he’s making a choice. Leave him, or give him an ultimatum under a very strict timeframe.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

You deserve so much better. Good Luck,

This is not illness, however they may claim it's not my fault, it's my illness made me do it.

It is their decision, their choice, their preference, their path, their action, their fault.

Sorry to those still hiding behind the delusions.

Well done for waking up.

This who he is.

I left sessions and used. then went back and spoke about it. And built skills to avoid using. I have been in therapy for years about it months of that with a specialist addiction therapist

i wanted to get out of it to an extent.

I want to be an addict but I don’t want to want to be an addict.

Please leave him.
I have worked with a Cocaine Anonymous group and the members all say, Step away and let him feel the consequences of his actions.

One of my loveliest of friends had her life nearly destroyed by her husband's addiction to coke.
Leaving was the best thing she ever did.

Put your children first.

You have had lots of sensible and helpful advice here OP. Time to put yourself and the children first

Drop the sickness and in health. He doesn't have cancer. He's choosing to make himself ill regularly. It's very different! And he has forgotten about cherishing you and honoring you.

Don't lie for him to the children. Tell them to ask him. Let them see who he is or he'll become Disneyland dad.
Gather a file of evidence - log a diary of incidents and screenshot and save any WhatsApp's of him admitting what he's done. You'll need this for court when you leave him and don't allow him to have unsupervised overnights with the kids.
See a solicitor about finances.

He does not have a problem or want help. This will only get worse and you need to protect yourself and your children. Get the husband away from you both until you know for certain he is clean.

the best time to leave him was when you found out, the second best time is now. Even if you accept that it’s “an illness” (I don’t, I was addicted to alcohol) it’s one for which the cure is entirely in his hands.

OP, I won't add to the posts as you've had great support and are making choices. But please could I signpost you and your husband to a useful podcast where men talk about their addictions. It's the same two every week and they were (are) family men who, like your chap, let down their children and partners until the writing was on the wall. They speak candidly about their lives and how much support they found in NA. They are not preachy, but incredibly down to earth, erudite and straightforward. Your husband will be able to find something in what they say. It's called Addicted to Recovery- have a search for it on Spotify.

Best of luck to you x

Thank you so much for this recommendation. I listened to this over Christmas and it resonates so much.
I've passed it onto and hoping he will also listen as it should hopefully sound very familiar.