Husband missed school nativity because of cocaine.

[MarellaJoy]

My husband is a cocaine addict. It all came out last year where he admitted taking cocaine on most if not all 'nights out'. He would class his addiction as 'not that bad' as he can have social drink with family etc without thinking about coke.

I had no idea he was taking cokAlford I years until he admitted it last year. Which also hurts with the years of lying. I thought he may have taken drugs on stag dos and lads holidays or when he was a teen but not as a 35 year old man. I stupidly thought it was just hangovers from alcohol...apprently i should have known.

Anyway, today my husband missed our sons christmas nativity play because last night he went out on a bender. I was so angry but mostly upset for my son who immediately asked him why daddy wasn't there. I lied and said he was at work.

I'm just fed up. I feel like I've been supporting him to get help and continually get sucked into this cycle where I believe things will actually change but they don't. Missing his nativity felt like a final straw..I seem to have moved my goal post futher and further on what is acceptable. He used to disappear on nights out with no communication. Or he would message and say I'm on my way home and then never come home until the next day...or fall asleep when hungover and I've asked him to watch the kids.

I feel like I'm giving up on him which goes against the whole principle of 'sickness and in health'. But I cant cope with the continuous feeling of hurt everytime he dissappears and hurt at what his actions cause.

Zero point to this post. Just looking for reassurance I guess.

If your instincts are telling you that this is the end of the road for you as a couple, listen. Children young enough to have a nativity play may still believe excuses, older kids won't. Now is the time to take a stand and protect them. Good luck.

Shitty. Middle of the week too?

That's pretty grim

He doesn’t think he has a problem but when you start to miss important things in life because of drugs then it’s clear he has a problem. Unlikely he’ll admit it though

in all honesty you cant change him, only he can change but only if he is honeay with himself. Leaving him is the only way to break free from this.

I'm so sorry. Having a partner who is an addict is hard on so many levels. I know you asked for reassurance but I fear there may be a long, tough road ahead for your family, no matter which route DH takes from here.

One of the most difficult things for you is that he has to be the one to make change happen. You can support him through it, if you want to, but you can't do it for him. It's a cliché but sadly true.

Here are some links for places to seek support for yourself. All the best to you

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

addict in recovery here
different DOC

its shit. we are shit. we are selfish in addiction and should be held accountable for the damage we do
yes we are ill.

I got an addiction therapist and got through it. but I needed professional help for that.

support him if you can/want to but protect your children

Seriously, just re-read your thread title and then think whether you're being unreasonable to "give up" on this guy.

This is an incredibly shitty thing that no partner (and certainly no kid) should ever have to put up with.

Your poor son.

It's funny because reading it back sounds crazy and I literally want to tell myself to leave but it's so hard.

My kids are definitely my priority which is giving me that courage.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate this perspective because I do understand it's an illness.

I wish he saw it as one too...

Sadly you have remained with him since you posted in March about his cocaine addiction. You know he will never change all the time you stay with him and he will continue to waste all that money that could be for your child/children.
Why are you expecting his behaviour to be any different?

Do you think he is sick and this is a health issue?

It sort of is...but addiction is not something you can support him thru unless he is actively seeking support for it and getting help to give up.

He is not.
He lies
He does not see an issue
He does not care

You kicking him out might be a push for him to stop or get help to stop

And do not lie
Say you do not know where he is

Leave him before your children's lives are destroyed.

I honestly just went back to read what I posted and I feel sick. Nothing has changed at all. I feel so annoyed that so many months has passed...almost a year and I've believed months of 'i will change'.

Thank you for this wake up call.

I think you have to protect yourself and your children and ask him to leave. You cannot carry on supporting him while he is still using. Is he getting outside help from GP/addiction services? He won't be able to stop on his own and if he thinks he can, he's in denial. Please put yourself and your children first.

He does things for a short stint.
I think he attended 3 CA meetings, and maybe 8 therapy sessions. Says they weren't the right fit...

He doesn't love you. He loves cocaine.
He doesn't love your DC. He loves cocaine.

⁸

In shock news drug addict prioritises drug habit.

I know it's tough to leave OP but good parents don't let their children live with drug addicts because it's so damaging for them.

I would have given up on him the moment he told me he was a coke head.
Nobody would blame you, you have to do what is best for you and your child.
The coke is winning over everything and he is a loser
You deserve better and you will find better one day.
Tell him you want him to leave.

I used to be where you are now and I cannot believe the things that just became normal over time. I’m so glad my children were little and so have few memories and haven’t grown up thinking these horrible, wild things were normal.
How do you make sure your children are safe? I.e. presumably he never drives them anywhere?

Oh my god that’s awful . I’d tell him to leave tomorrow. He can find somewhere else to stay. Don’t let a drug user be in the house with your kids and under the influence of said drugs. I’d tell him he can come back when he’s sorted himself out. If by then you even wanted him to. You need to protect your children. This is a massive safe guarding issue too if the school finds out he uses drugs.

@MarellaJoy i could have written your post many years ago. I found out my dh was a coke addict. Gave chance after chance, believed lie after lie. It was only when I had truly had enough of his behaviour during Covid that I broke down and told him to leave. By that point my children were 10,14.15, 16&18. It was after he left that my eldest came to me and felt safe enough to tell me that while I was in hospital having an operation my dh not only took it in front of the children but offered it to them too.
He’s no longer my dh funnily enough but I wish I had had the courage to end it when the kids were small.

You've been talking about this since March? Yet you're still inflicting him and his habit on DC? Still putting him first, over both DC and yourself?

Your child comes first, last and everything in between because they are helpless and powerless. You are not.

Drug addicts choose to use.

They put their drug above and beyond everything thing else in their lives. It's their primary relationship, and you both come a distant and unconsidered second.

And addictions only get worse, as the high diminishes with time, age and frequency, more urgent and compelling, more dangerous and more expensive. How much family money has he stuffed up his nose?

You and more importantly your DC don't have to endure this. Yet here you are.

What is your next step, OP?

So will you back again in a few more months saying the same thing?

Been there, seen it, done it. Initially DOC was alcohol...with "just a social bit of coke"...then that combo wasn't enough...and so it went on. My wake up call was SS getting involved. I left him because my kids deserved better. It will only get worse OP

They say one when you are an addict, one drink, like, pill is too much and anything more is never enough.

I was with an addict for 6 years. He left me in the pool at the gym for an hour whilst he went to score. He took my locker key " for safe keeping " so I wouldn't gone to get changed and leave. I had to ask some random man to do a shout out in the men's changing rooms to try find him.
He locked me out the house naked after I'd gotten out the shower and he started an argument with me. He stole money out of his son's money box to get drugs. Eventually he took heroin and cocaine together and od'd in a car park. Someone found him and called 999 and whilst he was in hospital he had his car stolen as his keys were left in the ignition!
There are plenty more stories like these. I left eventually when he accused me of cheating and I discovered he'd been meeting up with his ex.

His parents paid for private rehab ( he'd already stolen 7k from their safe!!) but relapsed 3 days after getting out.

I always wander if he's still alive!

Thank you, I do not want to put him first. He has asked for forgiveness several times and made me believe he will actually change...he has managed to stay sober for a few months but I know it's just extended the cycle.

I've decided I will be leaving or asking him to leave. I have no idea how I'll manage on my own but I'm pretty much a single married woman now. My kids deserve so much better and reading this thread has made me confident I've done all of can.