Family member cocaine addiction - where to begin please

[Jan879]

Family member has alienated himself for last year or so. I’ve only recently found out the extent of what’s been going on. He’s not been paying his bills, therefore has bailiffs round (a lot apparently) he’s also recently banned from driving (driving under the influence of cocaine). He’s thousands of pounds in debt and totally maxed out credits cards/loans. He’s had money off friends and family and never paid it back to the point where some have cut him off. He’s had over £10,000 from an elderly family member who he’s pretty much wiped out money wise now. Another family member took out a few thousand loan out for him because of his bad credit, he hasn’t even attempted to pay that back so they’re stuck with the loan repayments. He’s slowly burning more bridges. I was also informed last night that he doesn’t think he’s got a problem he thinks it everyone else and blames everyone else. For example, he’s been banned because the police stopped him and it’s the police’s fault. Not his fault for driving dangerously and being pulled over. I’m trying my best to speak to him, but he won’t listen, I’ve tried to offer taking him to a drug rehab group, I’ve offer to ring step change debt charity together. Nothing, only he has a pain in his back which is why he can’t work (I don’t know if he’s been sacked) he’s a compulsive liar. As soon as his back problem is sorted he will be able to work and all will be fine, he just needs more money for bills etc. No one seems to hear off him all week, then when Friday comes around, he needs money for shopping, bills, (it was the something on the car until he was banned, new tyres, brakes etc) anyway every Friday he’s ringing around family/friends asking to borrow 2/300 quid, if they say no, he’s threatening to kill himself, so they give in. He’s taken gas/electric money off a pensioner knowing they have no more money.

This really is the tip of the iceberg and I’m still in shock of only finding the extent of this last night. Please can anyone give me any starting suggestions, I don’t know anyone with a drug addiction, please also be gentle, I’m pregnant so aware that I’m very hormonal if anything I’ve said has come across offensive - I apologise, I just really don’t know what to do.

Thank you

He will end up dealing to fund habit or fuck up big time with drugs and money and end up being owned by supplier.

You don't do anything. You focus on you and the baby. Cut off this addict. Until he wants to change there is nothing you can do.

Sorry op,I didn't realise it was your partner remove yourself from this situation if you can .my first post stands if he starts dealing and I can't see any other way he could fund it considering he's burnt his bridges that could bring a whole lot of trouble you don't want to be near.

Everyone needs to stop baling him out. Only when he hits rock bottom will he realise for himself that he is the only person that can get himself out of this mess. You can't do it for him. Any money you, or others, give him enables him to continue in this manner.

You take a hard line and cut him off. Only when everyone does this will he realise the gravity of his situation and seek help. There’s no other way.

You can't do anything until they are ready to admit there is a problem. If you try to help them when they aren't ready, it will just cause you a lot of stress. In my local authority they would not be eligible for rehab yet as they have shown no commitment to their recovery. If this is a family member then there are support groups you can attend.

Yes I agree. Do not facilitate the drug taking, and give no money at all. Wait until he is ready to change. If he is not ready, he won't stop. You can't make him be ready.

You can't help him.

You may perhaps be able to help vulnerable family members by nudging them in the direction of support eg the narcotics equivalent of al-anon. If you become directly aware of him committing crimes eg driving under the influence, dealing etcyou could consider reporting him to the police.

But you really won't be able to help him if he doesn't fully accept he needs and wants a full recovery, for himself (and not to ingratiate himself with the people hes been leeching off)

Thank you all so much for your replies. I’ve again asked him this morning if he’d like us to attend a group and he replied that he hadn’t got a problem and doesn’t need to go. I’ve told him I’m here for him when he’s ready. The poster who said about causing a lot of stress has it bang on. I need to step back until he’s ready. It’s just so sad to watch. All of your advice is greatly appreciated x

It’s hard to stand on the sidelines and watch someone you care about fuck their life up.

Genuinely, it’s all you can do right now.

Next time he comes looking for money it’s a no, immediately. I’d struggle not to give him some home truths if he persisted.

Everything PPs have said is true. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him. He will know how to find professional help should he ever choose access it.

It is a horrible situation having to watch someone you care about go down that path but to be honest I feel more sorry for your elderly relatives who have been rinsed by him. I’m guessing they didn’t have full understanding of the situation and that they will almost certainly never get their money back.

Can you help protect them from him and convince them not to hand over more money regardless of the excuses he gives them?

'was also informed last night that he doesn’t think he’s got a problem he thinks it everyone else and blames everyone else'

you can't help him OP. Trust me. I'm years into this with a family member and we have tried everything and nothing works. They can only get clean for themselves when they get to a place they want help.

What you can do is put boundaries in place. The sooner the better. No lending money, no rescuing. Tell all family members, especially elderly or vulnerable family members to NOT lend money. Addicts are extremely manipulative so you always have to have your guard up especially around money. I've told mu family member if he ever wants help I'm here for him to get clean, but I won't lend money or help with anything involving enabling his addiction. Its a hard road to go down but you can only look after yourself xx

Morning @newyear2024 thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear you are going through this too. I’ve got the message out to everyone so hopefully they stick to it, or he doesn’t manage to get around them. But yes for my own sake, my boundaries are well and truly set. It’s just incredibly sad xx

It is sad OP, its the single hardest thing I've went through in life watching them destroy not only their own lives,, but everyone who loves them. It's a long road and sadly we are years and years into this. Take care of yourself. Keep posting here when you need to off load.

There is a thread of siblings of addicts on here somewhere and you'll see you aren't alone. I'm here for a chat anytime you need it x

Is this your partner?

I think you need to leave him or he will drag you down with him. If you are married, the debt will also be yours, I think. Do you want your child around him? Don't offer to be there for him because then it becomes your problem. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, but he's an addict and will only think of himself. It sounds like he's nowhere near taking responsibility for his actions. Please leave before your baby is born and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Sorry if it’s the way I’ve worded it, no it’s a sibling not partner.

I feel for you OP. I’ve been there..

If he is able to accept he has a problem and if he wants to change then a long residential rehab might help.

But it would need to be independently funded and it sounds as tho all the possible money has already been used up.

The very hard truth, as others have said, is that nothing can change unless he accepts he has a problem and that he is an addict.

Im so sorry you are in this situation- it is so very sad and painful.

There is nothing you can do to make it better until he acknowledges his situation.

Please focus on yourself and know that it’s ok to do that.

This is incredibly sad to read, I agree.
The first step in getting any help is admitting that he has a problem, and he doesn't think he does, so in my opinion he can't be helped. Reality is family members can only do so much and only he can truly help himself.
As long as everyone else is bailing him out by giving him money etc his behaviour will continue. He will pull every one down with him, getting family members into debt etc.
Only thing you can do is to cut him off. Once this income he is getting from family stops he will be forced to assess his situation and get himself out of it. He might go off the rails but he's already doing that anyway and will still continue to go on a downward spiral with your help (giving him money) until he does something about it.
He also needs to set up a decent payment plan or declare himself bankrupt to start clearing the debt.

You can't help him. I have experience of this. You all need to stop giving him any money and withdraw from him. He needs to hit rock bottom. It's hard to watch and not everyone recovers unfortunately but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

Also, don't believe a word they say. They'll come crawling soon enough but it won't be real help they want. It will be lies to get what they want. Until they take steps themselves, you can't do anything.

Recovered addict here OP. Until he admits he needs help there is no point doing anything for him.

If You need someone to speak to who has been through hell and back and recovered, you can PM me anytime

I agree with the other posters, family members need to stop enabling him as it just frees up money for drugs. When my family member became a drug addict, I found invaluable support from www.famanon.org.uk. Famanon is for the family or friends of someone who has a drug problem. It is a 12 step programme, they have UK wide meetings, literature, a helpline and the website has lots of useful information.
Addicts are very manipulative, hence the suicide threats.