Is this addiction ?

[cherrytree23]

Ex partner has done cocaine socially since early 20s out with his mates and he loves a drink.
We suffered a loss 1 year into our relationship we are both mid 30s now. I then found out he had zero money after working full time and tracing the money he admitted Cocaine use in his car alone 3 times or more a week for 10 months. I was devastated. Due to the lies and the debt. He was in 3k which he borrowed to clear it.
Gave him a second chance swore wouldn't ever use again. Did a few CA Meetings but stopped.

Fast forward 2 years: this is where I need to know does this indicate use or close again:
1.A old friend who he used
To do coke with texts him out the blue saying 'if you need any more mate , let me no'
2.he's agitated regularly, sweats profusely even in the cold.

1. I found texts to his work colleague saying he owes a local dealer £££ and he is skint Cz he owes money (when confronted says he was joking about it. It's just banter)
2. Recently after Tryin to win me back, shows me his bank transactions showing £100 here and there to his work mate who also does Drugs weekly.

When confronted he said his colleague *has had issues with his bank account so he gets him to transfer money to him and his mate gives him The cash.*

Swore blind he is not using.

He's lying.

He's addicted 100 percent.

Sorry I should have clarified, also that after the first time I found out he was doing it in his car,
Is that full
Blown addiction when he's using alone in his car?

And he then swore blind hasn't used for
Two years since but the behaviours above have happened.
I'm naive to drugs too Yang's why I'm asking . and he's said
In the last few months he has had the urge to use but hasn't he said.

Coke is normally used socially for re recreation purposes with long gaps between uses if he's doing it alone and often he's addicted. He will say he's tempted because he's trying to "prove" to you that he's clean when he's not.

Yes he's an addict. And he's probably still using now. Cocaine is one of the most addictive and most dangerous drugs on the planet.

Of course he’s using. And buying £100 bags.

Nobody “jokes” that they owe a dealer money. He’s insulting your intelligence, OP.
He’s undoubtedly using again. And if he’s using alone because he needs to take a hit, he’s very likely addicted.

Addicts will lie to the people they love till they're blue in the face. They will swear to you that they're not drinking/doing drugs with a beer in their hand/needle in their arm.

He is absolutely lying to you.

When confronted he said his colleague* has had issues with his bank account so he gets him to transfer money to him and his mate gives him* The cash.

He must think you're an absolute mug if he expects you to believe this. To me it reads like the lie of a desperate man.

Yes, he's addicted and he's lying through his teeth. The idea of someone using drugs or drinking on their own in their car is just awful to me - it's so incredibly depressing and desperate.

I hope your finances are separate. I wouldn't live with an addict - they will bring you right down and you will have to pay the price (financially and emotionally) for their addiction.

I've been where you are. I don't actually think my ex does coke any more but he's just replaced it with other things and continues to be a nightmare 18 years later. Do yourself a favour and don't waste any more of your time on this guy.

He's an addict.
And in pretty deep.

You are in denial because there's another story you want to believe.
You've got to open your eyes.
All the signs are there confirming it.

Cocaine addiction is very serious.
He needs to go into proper rehabilitation.

Not only that, but if he's a regular cocaine user besides the horrible addiction and debts and lying, there is the possibility of problems with dealers and the police arriving to your door at 5am to search the place.

I've been around a fair few cokeheads and yes, his behaviour has all the hallmarks of addiction and yes, the signs you've observed scream that he is using. Sorry OP but you've been here before and you now know you will end up here again if you don't get off his addiction merry go round. Please know that you are not helping him by staying and swallowing his lies, he won't face his addiction until he loses something, or someone, important enough to make him seek help, and maybe not even then.

The only way you and he can possibly be together (without him ruining both your lives) is for him to go away and properly tackle his addiction, which will take months or years, not weeks and will require all his time and energy leaving nothing spare to maintain a relationship. That's literally his only chance at recovery and you need to step away now, for both your sakes.

You also need to know what his addiction could bring into your life if you stay, none of it is good and some of it is utterly horrifying. Owing money to dealers endangers you as well as him, if he can't/won't pay they will not be above threatening/hurting you to make him. You will live in fear and mistrust, never knowing whether anything he says is true and unable to predict what the next shitstorm might be. And you will never have any money or financial security whatsoever, anything you do manage to build up he will destroy.

In short, you need to run, now. You gave him another chance and he failed to take it and that pattern will repeat as long as you keep letting it. You can't save him but you can save yourself from him dragging you down with him, and he will if you let him

Get out before the dealers turn up at your door. They will get their money back by any means necessary and turn violent.

It does seem as if he is an addict.
When there was addiction in our family, I got support from www.famanon.org.uk It’s a fellowship for friends/families of loved ones when they suspect a drug problem, they have a helpline, regular online & face 2 face meetings, forum and literature. I learnt to detach with love, not enable and how to look after myself.
Addicts are so manipulative and will tell you what you want to hear.

We were togther 3 years. He used on his own for the first year for 10 months behind mr back and lied to my face daily. He says it was because he was hurting over dealing with a bereavement.

We don't have any financial ties , houses or kids togther.
I always think I will never ever forgive or forget the fact he did this n lied to me for all that time.
Plus I'm always scared he will
Relapse in the future unless he already has. You would never think he had a problem he's one of the nicest guys you could meet.

Not sure there are £100 bags in less he's a dealer. More like 3 bags for £100.

I’m not a coke head (never used it, can’t stand the stuff because of the impact it has) but the coke users I know seem to do an awful lot of £50 or £100 transactions to each other.

@Brocollimatilda

It's come down in price since covid actually. Used to be £100 a gram, now it's 1.5g for £100.

(I'm not a user, I'm a substance misuse nurse 😁)

You say you're naive to drugs and you don't know what's going on, but you do.

You've identified some really clear signs that he's not being truthful with you about his drug use past or present, and on that basis, unless you want to be in this situation in ten years time, cut your losses.

Unless he's willing to be honest, not just honest enough to stop you leaving him, and commit to recovery on an ongoing basis, then nothing is going to change. I'm sorry OP, being in a relationship with an addict is one of the most heartbreaking, frustrating, crazy making energy sapping things imaginable, and he doesn't sound anywhere near where he needs to get to in order to be a healthy functioning partner to you.

Interesting job!! (Seriously!) Do you work in hospitals or the community (sorry OP - hijack).

@Brocollimatilda

Neither at the minute!

I spent 4 years working in prison, a year in a drug treatment centre, 2 years in community. Currently I'm taking a break due to my disability.

Can anyone explain why addicts transfer money into ppls accounts then ask for the cash?
My addict sibling does this with our mum, i didnt realise it was a 'thing', y do they do it, y not just get the cash out themselves?

1. money laundering
2. so police can't see withdrawals on their accounts
3. so they are not seen on the cctv at the cash point

@RMNofTikTok as far as i know they never been arrested. Just an addict.. money laundering?