32 weeks pregnant - boyf with coke issue

[Nellienoodles]

I need some advice, I’m 32 weeks pregnant. My partner has struggled with coke use in the past, it doesn’t happen week in week out but when it does happen it’s a big all nighter and ends up as a disaster. Unfortunately there has been instances where we has messaged women, including escorts whilst on it in the middle of the night. This hasn’t happened in a while because I have broken up with him before, but it’s crept up again and I went down his Apple Watch this morning due to having an awful night with him a few weeks ago and found about 5 messages to prostitutes from that night giving postcode, sending pictures etc.

I need some advice as at a loose end here, do I confront him, since that night he has reached out to a drug councillor but yet to have his call, I’m at a lost cause and have no idea what to do as I can’t confide in anyone.I’m pregnant and have no idea what to do, any help please.

Coke doesn't make people contact prostitutes OP, he is actively deciding to do that and in addition to this he is an addict. Having grown up with an addict in the household for the sake of you and your child I personally would leave him. I know it's not easy and it might sound dramatic, but your life will be cycles of empty promises, heartbreak and goodness knows what else.

You ask your self a single question.

Do I want my child living with a drug addict who uses prostitutes?

I have no sympathy for women who get themselves into your situation , if you choose to tie yourself to a loser then use contraception, if it fails have an abortion and work on your self esteem so you move on and don’t end up with another druggie with probable dick rot, but don’t ffs drag an innocent child into your sad life.

And yes, I expect you have a sad history that I know nothing about so shouldn’t judge, but so do many people, but we recognise it for what it is and don’t perpetuate it for our kids.

Ok I came here for advice not to be ridiculed with an attitude like that, I haven’t had a hard life and not here for sympathy but for advice.

Don't be ludicrous. It can increase someone's sex drive and their confidence, but that doesn't mean the cocaine makes someone do this. Lots do blame drugs for the decisions they're making though.

Does he want to stop? Has he tried going to NA?

What kind of father and partner could he be to you at this rate? If your pregnancy hasn't made him try to get clean then I don't hold out much hope for him to be honest. Why would you stay with him?

LTB

The advice is to leave him and get your innocent baby as far away from this druggie as possible, and then a bit further away.

No good can come from having him around this baby.

Leave, now..for your sake but more importantly for your innocent baby's sake

You plan to be a single parent and ensure that any contact your child has with this man is safe. That’s what you do.

Hi,

No one can tell you what to do.
Only you know what you can handle.
You can protect your children from 'it' whilst still being with him. It is possible.
If you want to stay with him then I would put some firm boundaries in place and do not stray from them until you are ready.
But do not dwell on it now, have the conversation sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry you are going through this, trust me I know how insanely difficult it is.
If you wanted to chat some more you can dm me. X

Its interesting to hear others points of view but I'm of the mind that you cannot protect your child from exposure to this if you were to stay with him. Children as they get older pick up on every little thing - they may not know that daddy takes drugs, but they will know that daddy disappears off sometimes for a little while and acts a bit off/different sometimes, or more likely to argue with you for example. I work directly in this field and it is mind-blowing the things that children pick up on. They hear and see everything, in my view both personally and professionally it is impossible to completely shield a child from this. Therefore this is your decision, if you want to risk your child being impacted by this as they grow, which in my opinion has always been the case

Then why the hell have you managed to end up in this situation! You say you have come on for advice, but I think in your heart you know exactly what to do without anyone telling you.

Is it just full of twats on here? Like you have never been in any situation in your life or gotten yourself in a situation or are you a perfect bloody angel that everything goes as planned for you??

You should have stayed away when you broke up with him.
How much money is he spending on coke?
Are you going to put him on your baby’s birth certificate?

Of course everyone faces challenges op.

Yours is that your partner is addicted to coke. Ime any addiction affects children, even if the non-addict parent genuinely can't see it.

Staying with this man makes you part of the problem. Your dc won't have either parent putting them first and social service will take a very dim view.

No. I have had lots of problems in my life, but I dealt with them. What I didn’t do was compound problems I already had by complicating them further. Admittedly , living with a cocaine addict with a predilection for prostitutes was never one of my issues, but then again I didn’t make it one of my life choices either.

You ask for advice and unfortunately for you it’s to leave him. He could give you an Std, he could eve have your baby removed from your care of health visitors found out.
If you love your baby you have to leave him.
If he wants to change his ways that should be enough for him to do it, and if he doesn’t change he never cared about you in the first place.
not being horrible but my dad was a coke addict who also slept with prostitutes and I didn’t have a nice childhood because he tore my mothers life apart.

Prioritise and protect your child.
Dump the scrote
Get an std check
Raise your standards

No I can't say I have ever found myself in a relationship with a cheating druggie and thought "I know what will make this better, a baby!".

Sorry but the harsh truth is you've shown very poor judgement here and people are going to tell you that, because most people's sympathies are going to be with the child, not the irresponsible parents (especially people who HAD parents like this, it can be quite the sore spot).

You already know what you need to do, there really isn't an option two. You leave, or you fail your child.

I think you'll find a lot of the advice is coming from women who have extracted themselves from bad situations rather than judgement without experience.
A partner who is a cheat and a druggie, who thinks it's ok to pay women for sex really isn't one to hang onto.
I've dumped boyfriends for far far less! It's difficult when you have a baby coming but this really is not a situation to continue with because you're pregnant and don't want to have to be a single parent, it will just drag you down. Value yourself and your baby. You are worth more than this.

Does your partner drink OP? Generally the coke comes hand in hand with drinking. If he does drink and can get a grip on that the need to use the coke will go down. He needs to take himself out of any situations where it's a trigger. As you have said he only does it possibly once a month what's the situation when he's doing it ? Is he out with the lads at the pub ? If so he can't go to the pub anymore, he can't go out with the lads anymore. Addiction is a real hard thing to control and ultimately it's down to him to gain control again. You're very much a passenger in that journey and it's up to you if you want to be a part of that.

OP, there are a lot of women here who know that once you have a child, they are an important - if not the most important - factor in your decisions. Can a man who takes cocaine be relied on to look after a child safely? No. Can a man who uses prostitutes be relied on to treat you well and support you to be the best mother you can be? No. Is an unstable relationship undermined by one partner's predilection for drugs and paid for sex the best environment for bringing up a child? No.

He needs to change. No more drugs. No more prostitutes. No more lying or hiding things from you. If he can't change, then you're better off without him.

Just to add. You should talk to him about it when he's not on a come down. Stay calm and actually have a conversation. You both need to find out why he's doing it and make a plan. A councillor is likely to say that he shouldn't be with you when he's trying to get over this illness and maybe when he has although it's never "cured" it will be something he has to battle everyday for the rest of his life, you can get back together and start forming a healthier relationship. Addiction is a illness not a choice even if it started out as a choice in the beginning.

A boyfriend who uses prostitutes - why would you stay with a man who thinks so little of women ? And that is aside from the coke use. OP you can’t bring up a baby with a man like this, why on earth would you want to ? It will lurch from crisis to crisis and you will end it , or he will, at some point in the future but probably after your child has been damaged in the process, a prostitute using coke head is never going to be a decent father or partner. It is a car crash relationship already.
The only sensible thing to do is to end it now.

Leave him. Awful. Risky sexual behaviour in coke addicts is frighteningly common. The escorts also sell the drugs (known as party bags) and are sometimes used to obtain drugs when other channels have been exhausted (debts etc).