Heroin

[IronNeonClasp]

How do you spot signs of heroin? Could someone PM me if you don't want to post?

Long story and no idea what to do (ex-H)

Track marks
Injecting paraphernalia
Foil with black lines burnt on it
Smell of heroin (hard to describe, chemically smoke)
Never has any money
Withdrawal symptoms (runny nose, goose pimples, twitching legs, upset stomach, muscle pain)
Maybe weight loss, poor self care, lethargy, change in sleeping habits, loss of interest in work/friends/hobbies.

I only know people that have smoked it. this is how they were after indelicately after smoking it and for a few days after.
Can’t hold conversation, spaced out
Wild desperate look in eyes
Pupils small
Musty smell
Pale
Puffy face but gaunt looking (even if overweight)
Just not making much of any sense but not absolutely out of it if you know what I mean.
So sad. Hope your okay

Oh and SO TWITCHY!

Thanks for your replies. I have no idea. He admitted he had taken it for '6months' in 2013 to me last July which was a huge shock as I felt so guilty I hadn't noticed. But he's told me it's all he thinks about. He's a compulsive liar. He's always been addicted to something, tramadol, opiates, Valium, vodka, cans, weed. Always something going on.

I just can't trust anything he says but he's talked about it being the best and cheap. Said he was thinking he might relapse in Dec.
He's functioning. Works full time, arrangement is we share kids flexibly but DD has called us about 6 times since Dec to come and get her as she didn't feel safe or couldn't wake him up. But she went back the following day for example some kind of guilt or loyalty.
This is all very delicate so would appreciate non-advice saying "he shouldn't be having them at all". I am looking into all avenues such as full custody, but would prefer to catch him red handed.
The kids adore him and he's a good dad, just has massive internal issues. And I need to try and catch him out but to date have been unsuccessful. I regularly go into his house with my b/f but DD was in the bath last visit so neither of us had a chance to snoop around (he smokes in the bathroom.
Everything mentioned above in your posts is him. But that could be just weed and vodka.

He also had riot police turn up mid week to seize a package he had given his address and taken in for someone else. I'm not sure what the action is for this or if there will be further action as he wouldn't let them in the house so wondering if they will issue a warrant and certainly DO NOT want my kids to witness this...

Oh and definitely smokes no needles

If your DD is unable to wake him then she really isn't safe there. It certainly sounds like he's on something pretty strong if not heroin! I'm a former drug worker and I'd be talking to management about a children's services referral if I had a client who couldn't be woken when alone with their kid, and I'd be expecting management to tell me to refer. You could contact children's services about this as a step towards getting full custody and a way of keeping your DC safe. I wouldn't recommend waiting to catch him red-handed because that could take forever, especially if he thinks you're onto him and makes efforts to cover his tracks, and the risk to your DC goes up as his addiction spirals.

Thanks @MardyOldGoth

I called the police yesterday about the visit and whether further action would be taken; warrant as I wouldn't want the kids there if this was a possibility.

They said no one went there.

I have no idea where his head is - why he said that and what to do for the best.

I think you need to go down the route of involving professionals. Your DC are not safe in his care and he's not being honest. Would you be willing to speak to Children's Services? Or if not, do you have a HV or other professional who could listen to your concerns and advise?

I’m sorry you are going through this, op.
I agree with pp - even if he is a good dad it would be best for the dc for you to have full custody.
Opiate addiction is pernicious thing.

The smell of heroin can’t be mistaken for anything else. It’s a strong musky/dirty smell, it’s one smell I will never forget. It’s lit on foil and inhaled but can also be dissolved in a chemical.

It all kicked off last week. I confronted Ex-h about police story and we fell out big time. It was a v traumatic week.

Tonight my boyfriend and I went to pick my DD up and when I arrived and saw the state of him I decided to take my son too. Ex-h was not in this world so to speak. I have never seen him so fucked, functioning but walked to say goodbye to them.

Kids had been trying to wake him up all afternoon and DD was constantly whatsapping whilst I was working.

I've just bought drug tests online to arrive tom.

Am I within my right to ask him to test in front of me (pee sticks) in order to check he is capable of looking after them and not on H or something else? He's admitted vodka and Valium addiction but tonight he was on another level.

He was supposed to have them this week and we are going away next week. I have no choice but to hold on to them until he can prove he can parent can I? I am no saint but I really need sound advice. I've also messaged his Dad but he's asleep so won't see him in the state he was in earlier. I've never spoken to his parents about this but tonight was another level.

Appreciate any advice and thanks..

He is not a good dad.

I can't find anything online about drug testing, requesting him to test.

Does anyone know if I can request him to? They are arriving today.

I am in a hell of a mess. His dad is checking in on him today but I feel like a tell-tale despite supporting his addictions over the years.

I am working with the kids here now today and I cannot find anything online about my rights to stop them being in his care and I would like him to do the test today as most drugs stay in system for 2-6 days according to the tests I have bought.

Anyone?

Hi

I will give you my knowledge of heroin. My ex boss was a heroin addict. Wealthy, nice guy, great business. The last time I saw him he looked dead. He always smelled and looked exactly as you describe. I imagine he is dead now - he had so much money to keep going on heroin. Always fucked.

I know you asked posters not to advise what to do with kids etc but I have to say this because once you are on/ coming up/ sleeping off heroin nothing else matters, not your kids, not the house being on fire - nothing. I would not go down the drug testing route. Its not your thing. You just have to say you have massive concerns and put in train a custody scenario where he cannot be with his kids. Heroin is awful. Sorry.

Whether it's heroin, Valium, weed, whatever ... he's clearly not in a fit state to look after kids and keep them safe.

So I would stop focusing on trying to guess what he's been taking and focus instead on ensuring the kids don't go to stay with him. So report to police and Social services if he's in a state and see a solicitor re access to kids.

@ThisisMax

Hi

I will give you my knowledge of heroin. My ex boss was a heroin addict. Wealthy, nice guy, great business. The last time I saw him he looked dead. He always smelled and looked exactly as you describe. I imagine he is dead now - he had so much money to keep going on heroin. Always fucked.

I know you asked posters not to advise what to do with kids etc but I have to say this because once you are on/ coming up/ sleeping off heroin nothing else matters, not your kids, not the house being on fire - nothing. I would not go down the drug testing route. Its not your thing. You just have to say you have massive concerns and put in train a custody scenario where he cannot be with his kids. Heroin is awful. Sorry.

This, 100%.

If social services get involved they will want drug testing from him and engagement with treatment if he wants his kids in his life.

You can ask him to test but he can refuse and there's nothing you can do about that. Also, if he tests negative for heroin, so what? Whatever he is doing or not doing, the end result is the same - he is too incapacitated by it to look after children.

Why didn't you ring SS/the police when he was off his face and looking after the kids? Don't let him have the kids at all. You can't make him do a drugs test if he refuses to, he's just not fit to have the kids and you need to safeguard them and keep them with you.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate responses.

I feel very defeated and isolated. Also manipulated as this was his week with the children and he decided to get wankered after events last week. I am taking the kids away next week anyway. Also feel conflicted holding onto the kids they will soon start asking to go back but I've told them he is ill.

Not heard a peep out of Grandparents or him.

So I am well within my right to keep hold of them?

Hi

I would say that, yes, you have valid concerns for their welfare and until he is in a position to counter those fears with a logical and coherent response and proof he is not using drugs then I would be avoiding contact. Raise a safeguarding note via S/S and police and then do nothing. Keep kids and wait to see what he does.

You will not hear from his family or grandparents because thats what keeps addicts using - enablers in his family of origin. Best of luck. Dont get involved in testing just hold a quiet upper hand. You are the advocate for your kids- if he wants to use heroin thats fine, but not with your kids.

This is a tricky one because legally you cannot stop contact between children and their other parent without a court agreement but you are also legally responsible for safeguarding your children. So you will need legal advice on it and it will probably have to go to court. Have a look at the CAB website and give them a call as a starting point.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/your-child-arrangements-arent-working

Your children’s welfare is paramount, they should not be responsible for waking their dad up. Your DD obviously feels unsafe at her dad’s. Does he drive the children, as he’s clearly not safe to do so.
www.familiesanonymous.org offers support for the family/friends of loved ones with addiction problems.
You didn’t CAUSE it
You cannot CURE it
You can’t CONTROL it
Social services will be able to support you to make decisions in the best interests of your children. They will also be able to support your children, as their dad’s behaviour will be impacting on their wellbeing.

Thank you so much everyone who has advised.

I am very scared. Never wanted to go through any authoritative route. I've had my own issues in the past ex could raise. Very scared to call SS or 101 even though I spoke to 101 a week ago Sunday.

Not heard a peep from ex or Grandad. Neither on WhatsApp since very early this am.

All very unnerving. Worried they may be thinking of applying as a family themselves.

I'm grateful for your direction. Kids are in bed. I'm a shell, I'm supposed to be applying for promotion (app form has gone to shit) and organising going away this weekend for the week. I don't feel excited, I feel very mentally unwell.

I feel extremely manipulated that he can do this.

Your position on all of this seems off. Your first priority should be ensuring the safety and well being of your children. Allowing them to spend time with someone who habitually drinks to excess of takes any drug in their presence is not ensuring their safety. YOU DONT NEED TESTS. You just need to not let the children go their. Even if they ask, even if they beg, even if they weep. Their father is I'll and can't look after them is all they need to know until they are old enough for more information.

As for you feeling manipulated? Why? What does that mean?

It’s irrelevant whether it’s heroin or Valium as others have said. Valium can be just as sedating as heroin. I would definitely be keeping the kids with you full time and when he’s ready meeting him with the kids in a cafe or whatever so he can see them but only under your supervision. Apart from them not being safe, which they won’t be with him, you can’t have them seeing their parent in that state. It must be very scary for them.
I understand you’re nervous about what he could say about your past but I’d just let him take you to court for access, which he won’t when he’s in such a state!