Just want a normal life

[dontsitdown]

I am so fed up with the rollercoaster of cocaine, we are doing it almost every other day now. It's not fun like it used to be and is really starting to affect my life. So why can't we stop?!
I wish I could enjoy lovely cosy evenings with a hot chocolate but I always end up getting a coke delivery.
Today is day one, again. Dinner is in the oven, have chosen a film to watch with eldest DD. Feeling strong at the moment.......

I think if this is what you're doing every day you have a massive problem. You won't be able to do it alone from personal experience. My ex went to a drug service, his GP, meetings and rehab placements. There are lots of options but I'd advise getting help before it completely ruins everything good in your life.
Are you affording what you're taking at the moment?

Thanks for replying, am.so scared of asking for help as got 3 kids. I am really determined to stop this time.
We aren't behind on any Bill's but all our spare money goes on it. Theres so much more we could be doing with our money. Am disgusted at the amount we've wasted

I didn't ever take it but my ex did and the amount of money that ended up being wasted was ridiculous. And obviously he struggled so much we're no longer together but this was after years of providing support to try and kick it.
Even just try go to a meeting (think they're actually on zoom etc at the moment). Hear other people's stories and how they ended up.. It makes it easier sometimes to hear people from all walks of life having the same issues.

If you are going to beat this thing you will need your partner onboard too or it will be double as hard.

Speak to your partner and make the effort together to see what help is available out there.

Good luck.

I'll look into the meetings, thank you!

In answer to your question you cant stop beacaue of the high, the 'feel good', the release it gices youa nd sense of escapism. Its sometimes hard to imagine a life without it when you rely so heavily on it.

Your DC deserve to have you there, fully present and available without being under the influence. Its not impossible to stop alone but its a lot easier when you get help. Please dont worry about DC and social services, if they are well cared for, attending school, fed and watered thats whats important. If they are not the above, then it would suggest you definitley need some additional support.

If you google your local drug and alcohol service, give them a ring and see what they offer. As bad as cocaine seems to you, these services are helping people who are injecting heroin and caring for children so nothing you say will shock them.

I hope you enjoy the film with DD - its really the small things in life that count. Well done for acknowledging your problem, regardless of how you decide to address it good luck and dont be too hard on yourself.

I do wish you luck. It's a horrible disease.

Thanks for all the replies. The children are very well cared for, I think anyone that knew is would be shocked if they knew the truth as we somehow manage to put on a good front.
Husband is very much on board, it's normally me that gets it then he cant resist.
It's not until I've written it down and seen your responses that I realise just how bad its got.
I always thought we would just be able to stop but I think we will need support xx

Get some advice from your GP who will be able to connect you to the support you need. Good luck. Every journey starts with a single step x

@dontsitdown if writing it down in this way helps you, try keeping a diary - even bullet points. The highs, the lows and and if lapses. What led to it, how it made you feel etc
Keep us posted on your progress

Go cold turkey for yourself and your kids. Think of your future and how much money you will save.

My STBXH now has a chronic coke habit and he has gone from being a popular man to social pariah. His paranoia is a nightmare to be around. It is so addictive and so hard to quit. I would suggest CA meetings as often as you can. Alcohol can be a trigger too so best to avoid.

Good luck!

Also on the subject of meetings and the link with alcohol. There are CA meetings (cocaine specific) and NA meetings which will also suggest no drugs or alcohol at all. The stories of cocaine use may resonate better with you and I know lots at NA meetings think they'd never sink as "low" as injecting but I think the NA ones seemed to help more. But I'd definitely give both a try.

So last night I fell asleep watching the film snuggled up with DD. I didn't sleep very well in bed, I think its really hit me just how bad things have got.
My anxiety is absolutely terrible today, but I've managed to do some work and this afternoon we're carving pumpkins. Got my niece over for a sleepover tonight so hopefully can keep myself busy and focused. Thanks for all the advice, feeling very anxious but very determined

Well done for getting through last night! Can't be easy when you're realising
Hopefully today is another busy day for you!

Thanks!
Day 2 done, I'm off to bed.
The weekend is going to be tough but got loads planned so feeling optimistic

Hi @dontsitdown, can I ask a question? How old are your dc? Mine is 6.5, and we do it after he's gone to bed at around 7:30. I always thought that I'd be forced to give it up anyway when he's staying up later and later. Do you do it after your dc are in bed or do you just hide it from them? Thank you.

Hi @dontsitdown, can I ask a question? How old are your dc? Mine is 6.5, and we do it after he's gone to bed at around 7:30. I always thought that I'd be forced to give it up anyway when he's staying up later and later. Do you do it after your dc are in bed or do you just hide it from them? Thank you.

@SpunBodgeSquarepants in my experience with my ex you have to want to stop. Something as trivial as your child being up later won't stop you. My ex used to do it socially so only the occasional weekends, this became more frequent until it was every day and he just hid it. Then he stopped being able to handle work mentally and would just hide in the house and do it. It absolutely destroyed him.
But having me or his child in the house didn't stop him. It is an addiction and he would always find a way to do it.

My eldest is 12, I only used to do it when the kids were in bed or the eldest was at her dads but it crept into us doing it while they're awake. I would be devastated if the children ever realised which is another big reason I know I have to stop.
I feel pretty good this morning. Up early, feel quite fresh. Imagine feeling like this every day

Three years ago I was where you are now, cocaine binges two to three times a week with husband. Three young children 8, 6, 3. No one knew. I was almost always the instigator. I really hope you are able to do this without outside help, however if you can't please don't be afraid to reach out for help. I had to go to day rehab for 6 weeks and joined a 12 step programme. I also told my GP. My kids were not taken away as I was actively trying to get well. Good luck and DM me if you want to ask anything

How are you doing this evening?

I did coke last night, I've justified it to myself because we were celebrating our anniversary. The kids stayed at my mums. I know it was stupid .
I've just picked the kids up, we're going to watch Halloween films then this afternoon a little party, then pumpkin spotting. I won't let this spoil our weekend.
Feel like I've let you all down, I almost didn't post but need to be honest to myself

I think it's just as important to be able to admit it you were doing well and now just get back on track and enjoy your weekend.
And at least your justifications are still actual events at the moment. Not great of course but I've heard stories at meetings where people use for all sorts of things and eventually it becomes the littlest of hardship/celebration is an excuse.

And also you're not letting anyone down here. This is your post to help you nothing to do with anyone else.

Friday and Saturday nights are definitely the worst, at least the kids weren't in the house. I'm currently refusing to contact my OH as I know the conversation will come round to whether he's coming round tonight, then it'll be 'What do you want to do?' which then leads to 'The usual'. It's so hard.