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Original poster

Please help - in SIL's wedding and I am going to look stupid

65 replies

AnnieBeansMum · 02/05/2010 17:55

Well I stupidly agreed to be in my sister-in-laws wedding and she has bought this bridesmaid dress. Not bad on the model, but considering we are all sized 16-20 - not so good. I have major issues with my back and upper arms (pcos problems) but she didn't seem to care about that (she actually said "well I need to make sure no one outshines me on the day" ). She has now suggested these shoes and I'm desperately trying to find alternatives.

I'm already going to look like a house in the dress and now even my feet will look horrible. Please someone help. It's a June wedding, so I think we need sandals, but surely not these??

I think the age gap is showing - she is 24 as is her other bridesmaid. I'm 32, overweight and am freaking out about what she is going to make me look like.

OP posts:
nowherewoman · 02/05/2010 23:47

It's not the first time

Original poster
AnnieBeansMum · 02/05/2010 23:59

that's sweet hellymelly, but there are far more deserving people on mumsnet for your kindness. Thank you for the thought though.

OP posts:
lowrib · 03/05/2010 00:02

You are a very nice person and the bride is being a bitch possibly getting so caught up in it all she doesn't realise what a control freak she's being.

I can't believe she's actually told you how you're allowed to wear the wrap! How dare she tall you you can't pull it up! I would just nod and agree that one then do what I liked on the day - apart from the walking down the aisle but and the pics perhaps.

You do need to do something about the hair. I have hairs on my chin (don't think I have PCOS. Just embarrassingly hairy!) If I don't get rid of it, it can make me feel very self conscious indeed. I'd try to find a way to get the £35.

The shoes are hideous BTW. And at £26 for heels they're bound to hurt IMO, and you'll be standing in them for ages. Lets have a go at finding some better shoes at least! Do they have to be ivory? What's the budget?

I think she's seriously taking the piss to make you pay for these things BTW. I have no idea if it's normal, but even if it is it stinks.

lowrib · 03/05/2010 00:52

What about these? They're high sure, but as they were £65 (£25 in the sale) they'd be a darn site more comfortable than those monstrosities IMO.

Or how about these? Not sure if they'd be too gold in RL, but only £15 (reduced from £60) and not very high heels.

Aitch · 03/05/2010 01:04

is it hair on your arms? if so, just wax it yourself. i do mine once a year at the beginning of summer, it's really not sore. and i speak as someone who no longer gets her legs waxed because i throw up afterwards it's so painful. one pack of strips from boots is about six quid and does both arms.

lowrib · 03/05/2010 01:08

Oh sorry I see you said not skinny heals sorry!

What size shoe are you?

tigerbear · 03/05/2010 01:08

Erm, I think those shoes are really pretty!

piprabbit · 03/05/2010 01:21

If the bride insists on the high shoes, make sure you put a pair of flats in your DDs changing bag and dump the high heels as soon as you can get away with it.

thumbwitch · 03/05/2010 01:21

My feeling is that if you have had no input into the choice of frock then you should not have to pay for it. I have never had no input into my bridesmaid dress - have paid for them half the time and not the other half.

As others have said, the blue frock isn't all that bad - but your SIL is being utterly unreasonable re. the wrap. Ignoring her might be one way round it; but if you are worried that she might be so crass as to snatch if off your shoulders then that would be a worry. The shoes are something my Mum would have liked (apart from the heels).

See if there are any training colleges/schools for beauty therapists around near you - they always need "bodies" to practise on and they do it very cheaply in comparison with salons; or as Aitch said, you could try it yourself.
If you are worried about waxing, try sugaring (at least it washes off) - but make sure you do it at least 2ds prior to the wedding to avoid any raised red bits. OR - try using hair removal cream instead - less pain and discomfort and just as good results.
Also it would be easier for your DH to help with the hair removal cream than the waxing/sugaring strips!

piprabbit · 03/05/2010 01:22

And if you don't own a pair of pretty flat shoes then try and find some sparkly flip flops - it's just for one day and should only cost you a fiver.

thumbwitch · 03/05/2010 01:24

Another thought - how long is your hair? Can you just leave it loose so it hangs all over your back and upper arms? Can you get a long hairpiece to do the job, if not? I know you're saving money but party shops and Claire's accessories sell them for not all that much money. (Or try hairdressing colleges and see if they're doing hair extension training - they do it cheaply as well)

lowrib · 03/05/2010 01:41

Possibly a tad off the wall but I like these. And would probably only work if you were all wearing them.

what do you think of the heel shape though? would you be OK on them or still too high?

A more sensible suggestion Would a smaller heel like this be OK?

Or this?

Not what the bride had in mind at all but these would be comfortable, no?!

Plain and simple and cheap!

Would these be Ok to walk in?

These look very comfy but not really sure they'd go.

Any of them even slightly in the right direction?

piprabbit · 03/05/2010 02:28

These wedges in white are a good price and probably easier to walk and stand in.

All BHS bridesmaid shoes are currently discounted here. SO you might find an alternative there...

thumbwitch · 03/05/2010 02:33

ooooh, piprabbit - there are some really nice ones on there! Wish I was back in the UK...

piprabbit · 03/05/2010 02:44

thumbwitch. I've had a very indulgent evening hunting across the internet and muttering 'Oooh pretty shoes' to myself in demented fashion.

Glad everyone else here is asleep.

Original poster
AnnieBeansMum · 03/05/2010 08:36

There are some gorgeous shoes on here!! But I know SIL will veto all of them. They need to be cream/ivory and they have to be strappy sandals. So add the cost of a pedicure on to that tally further up.

I think I am going to find some white slip on sandals (flats) and keep them in the changebag like piprabbit said. She has also asked us to get a new changebag for the wedding as ours is old and battered. DH, god love him, told her if she had issues with our changebag, she could buy us a new one.

My ideal outfit for this wedding:

Dress - in midnight blue
Wrap - in ivory
Shoes - these or something similar

I will wear what she wants me to wear but I will tell her that if she wants me in proper heels, then I will be changing into flats after the ceremony. I can't be chasing after a toddler in 9cm heels!

We fly to Canada on 29 June, a few days after the wedding (26th), so I will do what she wants. I will wear the dress that makes me feel like a house, and I will totter down the aisle in ridiculous shoes, I will even let DH loose with wax strips or some cream. I will do all of this and then I will throw the lot of it onto the bonfire on the 27th!!

OP posts:
diddl · 03/05/2010 08:40

I don´t think the things are too bad although if it´s the blue dress aren´t those shoes too pale?

Sorry but imo-if you´re paying you choose!

I only had one bridesmaid & I paid & I let her choose!

fearnelinen · 03/05/2010 08:53

FWIW I like the shoes..great idea re; carrying flats

I just want to say how much I hate this bullying that goes on around weddings and you are being a saint to put up with it. How dare she tell you how to wear the wrap??! Ridiculous. Have a leaving party and tell only her it's fancy dress...vicars and tarts? Or chicken and eggs?!!!

Try and have a lovely day, any outfit looks good with a confident smile.

twolittlemonkeys · 03/05/2010 09:01

I agree with the other posters about how it is ridiculous you are having to pay for things you won't feel comfy wearing. General rule is if Bride & Groom are paying they get more say, if the bridal party have to pay for their own outfits, they choose (within colour scheme or whatever). You are being a saint putting up with her! I second the good underwear thing, makes a big difference

mazzystartled · 03/05/2010 11:35

tradition says that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses (tis in debrett's! - ha!)
however, it is the height of bad manners for her to make you wear stuff you don't like, don't feel comfortable in and doesn't suit you.

can you not get dh/mil to have a word?

tradition would also say that as an older married woman you can wear something different to the other bridesmaids and so your choices would be far more suitable.

KristinaM · 03/05/2010 13:47

oh dear she really is a bridezilla

expecting you to pay for outfit that she chooses without consultation is not on

asking you to buy a new changing bag is bloody cheeky too

i have never been asked to pay as bridesmaid and i paid for everything at out wedding ( outfits, hairdressers, dresses , shoes etc)

did she tell you this upfront - that she would choose everything without consultation but you would be paying?

FWIW i think you have much better taste than your SIL. I also would feel uncomfortable in a strapless dress and don't have PCOS type issues. I would be unhappy and self conscious all day without a wrap / shrug

can you get together with the other bridesmaids and agree a compromise?

eg dress is fine but you want shrugs and a more comfortable shoe.surely the wraps could be returned if you all don't like them?

everythingiseverything · 03/05/2010 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scaredycat3000 · 03/05/2010 14:39

Yes you do have better taste than the bride.
And I think you probably do need to do as you plan, get on with it and think in a few days I'll be out of here.
Weddings aren't fun, family weddings where the Bride and Groom are being like this are worse.
Roll on when having this type of wedding isn't the norm.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2010 14:51

Love the dress that you linked to.

Your SIL is a certified Brideszilla. Incredibly selfish to expect you to carry the costs.

I tried those shoes on last year, when I was to be a bridesmaid for my brother and SIL. They were really uncomfortable.

Could you go for a sheer wrap? We had beautiful organza wraps, with embroidery on them. Then you could keep them over your shoulders. Will try to find a pic.

Try your local college - they might be looking for models. My mum gets her facials etc done there, perhaps they could help with the hair.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2010 14:57

It was similar to this stole but in silver.

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