I don’t know where to begin

[1976a]

Honest post upcoming- be gentle please. I’m 48. Had a really tough time over the last 15 years or more. Work full time but was off with a complete break down for months this year. Trying to rebuild myself. ADHD recent diagnosis, menopause. Omg my mental health has been so bad but I’m here and manage as best I can. I’m addicted to food and I’m size 20 but I’m working on this area of my life next. Given up cigarettes and most alcohol- odd glass on wine

I own two pairs of next mom jeans, two pairs of next cords in black for work and going out. 10 next T-shirts in blue, black and white, 2 old joules cardigans with birds on, a jumpsuit (which won’t fit now) and that is it. Mainly work from home do lots of awful pj bottoms.

summer- 3 pairs of wide cotton trousers in black and navy, Birkenstocks x1, crocs x1

I own Nike pros, two black pairs of brogues and one pair of heels which hurt so can’t be worn for long.

i go to shops every week when my girls are at brownies/ guides and cannot find a thing, i walk round aimlessly and then go back to the car and often cry. This is low and I then feel worse and tell myself that my wardrobe is enough!

I need to go to a Christmas meal too and I’m dreading it as I have nothing except an old monsoon top that is too tight and is so old and out of fashion

the shops are m and s next and Asda- on a retail park.

i want to look lovely. I’m not bothered about being young if you understand me, just the best version of myself. I gave completely let myself go.

i have thick greying hair, strong nails and dry skin. I wear no make up but do try face creams. Estée Lauder been recommended but everytime I go to these shops I’m ignored as I don’t look like I have money to spend if you understand. Because I’m big I’m a second class citizen in some shops and completely ignored!

budget is better than I’ve ever had as I gave saved for years (obviously not buying clothes). I currently have a lot of £2000 to spend on this. This is not to gloat but thought the budget might help in deciding what next.

any offer of kindness, support, links to other items or people who have been in a similar situation would mean the world, thank you x

How tall are you? And what kind of body shape are you? (That will dictate the sort of styles that should suit you.)

If you’re aiming to lose weight, then I really wouldn’t aim to spend too much on clothes that fit you now.

What kind of restaurant are you going to for your Christmas meal?

How about having your hair done? A good cut (and colour if you don’t like/want the grey) will make a big difference. It’s a really good investment in you, IYSWIM.

And why not go to a make-up counter (assume there’s a store near enough to you that will have one!) and ask their advice about make-up?

Sorry you have been having a tough time and congratulations on the things you have managed to do.
It is very hard when you are down to see positives in anything and that may include when you go to look at shops. I am also guilty of looking for clothes which will work a miracle and make me slimmer and groomed. Not going to happen.
As you are looking to work on your weight it might be best not to spend too much on clothes. For Christmas things I would look for a silky outsize shirt in a colour you know suits you, some control black leggings, black boots and some nice earrings. Maybe worth getting a bra fitting. Where I would spend money is on getting a haircut and maybe colour, ideally with a stylist you trust. Lots of face masks and hair masks and maybe an eyebrow shape.
For me having clothes in colours I like makes me feel better.

Thank you, apologies 5’6 big boobs hour glass but big all over so big legs, stomach, bum.

which make up? Estée Lauder has been mentioned but I’m unsure. Boots no7 women in my local haven’t been great and I’ve felt like I need to interrupt their conversation so I just leave it.

Christmas is a nice county pub nothing too swanky and people are kind so I could wear anything but would like to make a little more effort.

sorry this is a pity party

Book a haircut and have your eyebrows done, book a mani and a pedi too. The next thing is get yourself some well fitting underwear.

Once you’ve done that, google plus sizes party wear and see what you fancy.

I personally love a dress, mainly because I’m shit at putting separates together. But I really like So Satsuma, look it up, she sells these comfy trousers and oversized jumpers I quite like, I’m thinking comfortable and new rather than OMG, 10 years younger 😂, and that might be a start?
www.sosatsuma.co.uk/clothing-collection

I don’t know if you’d be comfortable with second hand but if you need to get a lot of clothes, and don’t want to spend loads of money but see a lot of options, I’d find a nice area and check out their charity shops. Eg harpenden, St Albans are near me, more affluent areas generally have nicer donations. Saturdays can be quite busy but weekdays are quieter if you prefer a quieter shopping experience.

You’ve mentioned size but not your shape, what parts of your body do you like? What areas are you less confident about? Before kids, did you have a particular style you leaned towards? Do you know what colours you like? What I mean is I‘ve been everything from a 6 to 16 across my life and regardless of what size I wore, I’d look awful in a floaty smock top or dress, I look unbalanced in cropped trousers, I’ve got heavier calves so I avoid mini skirts & kitten heels. Skinny jeans aren’t my friend and leggings are bad but every other type of trouser shape is fine. I have a short waist & long legs, waist is probably always the smallest part of my body, so I look my best (again whatever size) in a mid calf straight skirt or tapered trousers, tops that are quite fitted or tucked in, belted coats, pointy court heels instead of round. I look better in plain clothes than patterns. I love sequin skirts but don’t suit sequin tops. Dresses are strapless or long sleeve, a short sleeve makes me look very booby where the arm ends. Don’t get me wrong I do buy the totally wrong thing sometimes, but having a formula is helpful. Knowing your shape & what parts to enhance & what parts to draw the eye away from is a really good start. It makes shopping much less of an ordeal.

I think you’re better off going to the make-up counter in a department store, where they’ll have specific counters for specific brands.

And it’s not a pity party! You’ve done incredibly well so far - just need a bit of help to go further

I think it would help to try and figure out your colours. I know this can be frowned upon here, but it can make a huge difference to how you look. You need to get your eye in. Follow image consultant Maidenhead on Instagram to see the kind of transformation just going with your colours can make. She does an online assessment (from a photo) for £80 or so which given your budget is worth it IMO, as you will then have the colours to keep you on track when shopping.

Similarly, if you do dye your hair it will help you get the colour right. I think in general women often look better with their natural colour.

Get your eyebrows threaded and get some
gel to keep them groomed.

I am quite into the Kibbe method which helps you learn what kind of shapes and fabrics of clothes will suit you. Take a look on Pinterest. It is MUCH better than the simpler apple/pear/hourglass sort or approach.

Re skincare and makeup, it depends what you want to achieve, I’m not sure makeup counters are the best place these days, again you can learn a lot on Instagram, and it helps to know your colours.

M&S has some nice things but also great for click and collect so it’s handy you have that near you. A well fitting bra makes a huge difference to your shape, I wouldn’t get fitted at M&S but others can advise.

Good luck and I’m sure you’ll grow in confidence as you go along.

Would you prefer a dress/skirt and top, or trousers and a top, @1976a? And what about colour?

There isn't much in the shops for any sizes these days, IMO. I'd start with the basics to help you feel more self-love. A good body scrub, body lotion and gel manicure and pedicure. I worked in cosmetics and I can guarantee you do NOT need to buy premium brands - Superdrug Vit E bodycare for instance is great. If you're concerned about ingredients, download the free YUKA app and scan items - it will tell you if they have high risk preservatives. Face care: La Roche Posay, Cerave etc are great: oil cleanser, moisturiser, SPF. Get a heated brush ( I like babyliss big hair which I know is controversial on here) as it quickly gives my scraggy hair an almost blow dry look. Try to use it whenever you wash your hair. Tinted moisturiser, mascara, neutral lip colour until you get confident - all can be high street brands (L'Oreal are best for mascaras and mass market brands have greatly improved their foundation offering). As above, an eyebrow shape. All these small(ish) things should help to give you a more positive impression of yourself.

You don't have to shop locally. You can shop online too.

I'd buy M&S jersey wide leg trousers in dark navy as they go with everything, can be smart or casual and don't even need ironing, then some really cool new trainers (Hoff; Adidas) and ankle boots (Clarks, Jones, Pavers, Moshulu), a couple of satin shirts or blouses for going out (Simply Be, Matalan) in block jewel colours that really suit your skin tone, and at least one luxurious sweater, like this outsize brushed cashmere one from Lilysilk

Rimmel is good, affordable makeup for experimentation. Liquid foundation mixed with a bit of moisturiser for a light even coverage. As PP said, get brows waxed - makes a massive difference. Neutral eye shadow *Rimmel nude) , black mascara, and a natural berry or smoky pink lipstick which you can also use as blusher to ensure the colours work together. (just dab a tiny bit onto the hollow of your cheek and massage along the cheekbone line with a bit of moisturiser until you get a very subtle colour. AliAndrea is brilliant at make up tips on YouTube.

I'm a similar size (20), and recently bought thisoversized shirt . It's on the pricey side, but it's very versatile and you could wear it to the pub or theatre or dinner with friends. It's meant to be be big so if you do lose weight you could still wear it.
I wear it with black jeans ( M&S Eva ) but obviously you could try any trousers with it, cigarette pants might work. I find an oversized top doesn't work so well with wide trousers on me.
I'm sorry to say that you are unlikely to find much in a size 20 in a charity shop ( and I do look regularly), but M&S and Next both do size 20. You can order them in if they don't have your size in stock, try them on and return there if you need to. I think just go to both shops and have a massive trying on session, see what you like. Almost anything in stock will be current fashion.
I wouldn't worry too much about face creams, they are all much of a muchness. Get something with SPF for daytime and a separate night cream, you could go Aldi or top end and it really doesn't make much difference. I'm currently trying an Eve Lom face cream I got in TKMaxx, and before that, one from This Works. They feel lovely, but my skin doesn't look any different from when I was using Aldi or Nivea.

Do you want to lose weight? If so, I’d spend some of the £2k on weight loss injections. They will change your life.

Have a look on the Snag website for an outfit. They have some lovely plus size clothing and will give you an idea of a look to put together. Also check out Pinterest for outfit/makeup/hair ideas.
I always shop online as there is much more choice than shops. I want to cut my own throat trying things on in shops.

Indeed they do change your life. I've lost 5 stone on mounjaro over the last year and have gone from size 20 to size 10 to 12.

I would second the person who mentioned WLI and using your budget for that. I've lost weight on WLI and feel really good in clothes now and shopping is enjoyable and not filled with dread!

I'd recommend buying a few quality items with natural fibres - h&m and zara etc use really thin poor quality fabrics which can be unforgiving unless you are slim.

I'd also suggest going on Instagram for inspiration and finding people who are a similar size and who have a style you like.

I have always found the counters in John Lewis not too intimidating - I would definitely invest in more premium make up (before 40 I was using Rimmel/no7 but my skin started to look cakey and dull) and something like Clinique is so much nicer for more mature skin.

Sweetie, we're the same age, and although we're in the same stage of life, we obviously have different lives.

And I hear you. I've just gone through something extremely major actually a couple of extremely major life changes, and I'm feeling so down on myself too. And it's so hard for me to say this out loud that I'm actually crying right now because I haven't admitted it to anyone.

And yeah, how you look, I mean it's just on the outside, but the outside is what everybody sees first isn't it.

I'm 5 ft 8, and I was 185 lb, (apologies for the imperial measurements, it's just what I use) and after the death of my husband, although I wasn't attempting to do this, I ended up losing 30 lb, and I went from a size 14 to a size 8. I've been struggling with weight loss for 10 years prior to that and had been to dietitians, doctors, as well as lots of physical exercise and lots of watching everything that I ate including balancing fats and carbs and proteins and watching calories etc. It was like no matter what I did, my body just wouldn't budge. It was so frustrating and so unfair cuz I honestly wasn't cheating.

And I was so lucky because my husband was the greatest, he never made me feel bad after I gained weight, he never made me feel bad for my inability to lose it and as silly as it sounds one of my regrets is that he never got to see me after he passed, because not only did I lose weight but also started dressing differently. And I think he really would have liked to have seen how I turned out.

Unfortunately some of the weight has come back, and I'm struggling to lose it again, and unfortunately I know so little about fashion and hair and makeup. Like you, I'm kind of simple that way. (You have strong nails though, good for you. Mine are so weak, always have been, they bend and break like crazy.) I don't know how to do a thing to my hair, even a curling iron I manage to mess up, and I don't know anything about makeup. And fashion? I know so little. But, I did put together some tips to remind myself the next time I go clothes shopping and I don't know if it'll help but I can share them with you. I'm going to post this now just because it's long enough, just give me a second and I'll write down some of the tips that I put on a piece of paper and then pinned into my closet :-)

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if someone has mentioned this already, but how about following some influencers on social media who are are a similar size for ideas? There is a lady called something like fabfatand40plus who I believe is around size 20 and really stylish and beautiful. She often talks about struggling to find clothes on the high street.

Sorry I should have said that she is on Instagram.

OP, I think you're amazing - you're changing your ife and how you feel about yourself and putting yourself out there.

A few things I would consider:

I agree with others that the injectiosn might be a good use of your budget if losing weight is something you feel would reall yhep you feel better about yourself.

With skin care, I think a very basic routine that might work for you is:
Cleanse at night. Use a balm cleanser becuase it's gentle. The Byoma one is a good choice and reasomably priced.
Use a general moisterising serum (you can experiment with fancy complicated things later, let's just start with something basic). Youc ould just go with a hylaronic acid one (Simple does a perfectly good one at £10) or splash out on something like the Clarins Double Serum which does a few things in one.
Moisteriser - a nice soothing one. I love the Neutrogena ones but quite honestly - look in Boots and pick whatever you like. La Roche Possay is great. Nivea or No & are fine. Olay works well too.

Morning - use a hyaluronic acid serum as your skin is dry (the Simple one above is a good shout) or you could start experimenting with something with vitamin C. Again, Simple does a fairly basic serum. They also do a nice moisteriser/SPF with Citamin C you could try. The Body SHop one is a bit oily but if you do't mind that, could be great. Then a moisteriser with SPF - I use Nivea personally.

Clothes - You need to find a pair of trousers you like and frankly, that can be a NIGHTMARE. I'd recommend commiting to a lot of online shopping, knowing you'll need to send a lot of stuff back. You can go to the post office oince a week instead of upsetting yourself at the same M&S, Next, Asda retail park! Try higher waisted trousers/jeans as they will give you a smoother line and cinch you in at your narrowest. A nice wide leg pair will probably work best and, frankly, will be great in the pub with a lovely top or jumper (I love that Lilly silk website a PP posted!). Also look for trousers with some stretch and/or elasticised waists - there are surprisingly good ones out there these days that still look really good. I have one expensive pair I got via Outfittery and one hilariously cheap pair I got at Primark. People comment on the Primark ones!

Another top tip when you're feeling crap - up your scarf game! I love scarves. I buy mostly silk or cashmere so they feel luxurious. But it allows me to experiment with colour an dpatterns that suit me and can really make me feel like I'm bringing a bit of personality ot my face, even as I'm wearing a simple jumper and pair of jeans.

I agree with everyone else - go get your hair professionally done and coloured/highlighted as well if you want to.

Good luck.

NO: to anything that is big. Oversized/heavy.
No to anything that is too small / too short.
No to bright colors / neon.
No wild prints/text/words/logos. Solid colors.
No to pastels, no to White/light clothing.
No to sleeveless clothing... but if you have to then only worn with skirts or dresses (to keep focus on your lower legs)

YES: Typically most 3/4 sleeve tops with v-necks and empire waist are the most flattering for women.
Yes to straight or wide leg dark colored jeans
Yes to flat fronted trousers (making sure that the zipper is on the side or at the back so it doesn't add more bulk to your tummy)
Yes to a pencil skirt
Yes to an a-line shift dress
Yes to a wrap dress
Yes to nude color shoes with heels (personally I'm not a fan of this look but it does make your legs look longer)
Yes to knee length heeled boots (if you can't manage a tall thin heel, you can go with a chunky or wedge)
Yes to shapewear bike shorts (or, the best undergarment shapewear support you can afford, I say bike shorts because they tend to be cheaper)
Yes to opaque stockings

Yes to jersey, cashmere, fine cotton, spandex, flat knits, fine ribs, wool, rayon.

Stick to dark colour hues for your "worst/biggest parts"

For hair, consider getting highlights / lowlights.
Consider cutting two to three inches below the collarbone but no longer and maybe no shorter (this will depend on your preferences your upkeep and the current length of your hair of course)
Consider long layers (less solid and chunky, more layered and long)
Consider side swept bangs (wispy, not thick)

If looking for swimsuit:
Black is best, or black bottoms with a brightly colored top.
Make sure it has body shaper compression /support
Empire/ raised waist draws attention upwards
V-neck is flattering and so are high cut legs (yeah I know I'm not comfortable with the high cut legs part either but it actually does make your legs look a lot longer)
Tankinis are not good. Go with a bikini (if you're comfortable with that, I'm not) or a one piece
A nice cover-up is essential (try to get one with an empire waist dress style)
Self tanner never hurts. (I'm not a fan of real tans, it's bad for your skin, but a little bit of darkness does make you look healthier / younger/thinner etc)

Winter: buy a coat with shape, structure, and fit
Go knee length but no longer (level with your butt is too short)
Make sure it is fitted at the waist and flares outward to the Hem
Pick a solid color, darker is better (you can always accessorize hat / scarf/mits with bright colors)
A "big" hat makes your face look smaller

Fancy dress:
Go simple, clean cuts.
Decent undergarment shapewear always!!
Knee length or full formal length dress to the floor
Not too much "shine" (ex jewelry)

For (the dreaded) photos:
Camera position from "slightly" above (it's better to have the camera angle just a little bit higher than you rather than lower, eliminates double chin, lumps etc)
No harsh lighting / shadows (which also make double chins, lumps etc)
Stand straight, shoulders back, chin up and out slightly.
Stand at a 3/4 turn towards the camera with one leg slightly in front of the other. Front foot out, back foot to the side and weight bearing.
Arms slightly out from your body and slightly bent at the elbows (not how flat against your body it makes them look fatter)
Lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth to tighten your chin muscles.
Hand placed on hip or in pocket (away from your body)
Stand in the middle of a group or in the back row not on the ends.

Okay that is literally everything that I know. And yes I actually do have all this stuff written out on paper thumbtacked in my closet to remind me whenever I need to purchase clothing or replace it, this is what I should be looking for. Personally, almost all of my clothing is purchased second hand / thrift stores and that means you have to do a lot of looking. There's a lot of days where you go in and you'll find nothing. But, you do get lucky. It's like a treasure hunt.

Mostly, don't be down on yourself. I know that's easy to say and I know that's hard to do especially when you're feeling so bad. To be honest this is advice that I should take more often myself. It's much easier to give support to others than it is to take it sometimes, isn't it?
Hope this helps 💜

I'm another who'd recommend Mounjaro. I feel it saved my life. It's certainly changed it (and me) out of all recognition. I've lost 5 stone and it's been virtually painless, as long as you stick to a few rules about not eating later in the evening and not drinking fizzy drinks. I didn't touch alcohol for over a year and literally didn't give it a second thought. I also didn't eat any chocolate or crisps for a year. All of those things were daily occurrences.

What I did was to go on Vinted and buy a few items of the next size down so that I had something to look forward to wearing.

Regarding your meal out, I'd go to M&S and buy a new pair of jeans and a cashmere jumper and a pair of ankle boots. Just wearing new nice clothes will make you feel much better about yourself. I'd spend some money on a good haircut and get my eyebrows shaped, but apart from that I'd spend my money on Mounjaro (more effective than Wegovey) and on Vinted. You can search by size and brand on there, and it's a nice experience, compared to searching through rails in a charity shop and thinking, "No, won't fit, no, won't fit" all the time - that's so depressing.

I really feel for you - I can't tell you how bad I felt about myself 18 months ago. I couldn't see a way that my life could change.

Please don’t be so tough on yourself, you have every right to look and feel good, no matter your size.
It sounds like you’ve had a shit time of it but hopefully that’s behind you now and 2026 could be your year, huge well done on giving up the cigs that’s the absolute best thing you can do for your health.

Elemis currently has offers on skincare, their pro-collagen marine cream is lovely, give yourself a treat.

If you feel comfortable in Next clothes then why not start there? Not too far from your comfort zone and a quick glance shows nearly 3000 items in your size in party wear so there’s bound to be something.
If you feel you’ve turned a corner now and are intending to change things then I wouldn’t spend £££s on a Christmas outfit that might be too big to wear again.

I think there’s been some brilliant advice on here, the only other thing I’d do is have your make up done - just spend an hour or two with a make up artist, it can be transformative learning how to make the best of your features. It doesn’t have to be heavy, just a natural look, I think you’ll really enjoy it, you can make notes, take photos, it will just help to give you confidence. That with your hair, brows, skincare and clothes, you’ll soon be unstoppable!

Also look at fabfatandfortyplus on Instagram, she’s a size 20/22 and wears great outfits, does a weekly round up etc, she looks gorgeous.

Also facial fake tan, it really works - Tan Luxe is a great colour, mix the drops in with your moisturiser.

omg thavk you all so so much. I wrote this in a very low point this afternoon, then had to go out and have opened it just incase there might be a couple of messages! I’m truly overwhelmed. I hear all the advice loud and clear. I’m so sorry some of you are going through/ have been through some tough shit too. Ok. 1, I’ll see the doctor about mounjaro 2, have booked my hair cut for December 3, will check out all the links and will buy something to wear in December that can then be reworn or donated after the weight starts to fall off 🙏 I’m 50 next December and I’m determined to make a huge change by this time. I might even start weight training which is what I did in my youth. Keep in touch on here, would be nice to keep you updated and hear how some of you are managing changes xx