Where does a completely clueless person begin with basic self-care and beauty things?

[RikkeOfTheLongEye]

I'm embarrassed to be writing this but I'm a mid-30s woman who has never done much in the way of even quite basic self-care and beauty routines'. I got away with minimal effort by the skin of my teeth when I was younger. I think this was down to a combination of being just about pretty enough to still have a modicum of attractiveness, being fairly skinny, and going out with men who were generally not very appearance-orientated, or who generally appreciated me being low-maintenance.

In my early thirties I met someone I fell in love with, had a kid and got married in quick succession. But some combination of exhaustion / work stress, pregnancy weight gain that I never fully reversed and just general ageing means that I really can't get away with the way I've always done things. I look a mess and my self-esteem is down the drain. I also recently got a promotion at work and this has made me feel even more self-conscious about my general scruffiness Weight is my biggest issue and I'm making good progress with losing this now, but I'd love to raise my game generally and get some of my confidence back. In addition, I've got a DD now, and I'd love to be able to teach her how to look after herself as she gets older and do the hair / makeup thing with her if she's into all that, but right now I'm so clueless that I'd be a useless mentor.

When I was a kid my DM tried to teach me things and get me into routines but it totally failed. I was stubborn, clumsy, lazy and had sensory issues and recurrent depression. My self-esteem was so low that I just wanted to hide and not be looked at and not to have to think about my body beyond basic washing and applying deordeant (and even this was a battle with my DM a lot of the time). I don't know how else to explain it. Years later I've lost my DM and have no other female figure I can ask for help, and whilst the internet is awash with beauty advice, i don't know where to begin.

To break it down:

• I have no idea how to care for my hair. I had a pixie cut throughout childhood, teens and most of my 20s. I grew it long in lockdown and it's now a long way down my back. It's all my natural dark brown colour but with greys creeping in. It's frizzy and dull and lifeless and I don't even know how to brush it properly, let alone how to style it nicely (pathetic attempts to copy youtube tutorials on plaits and buns have all led to disaster). It is a tangled nightmare that I usually cope with my scraping back into a messy ponytail and ignoring. I would get it cut but my DH loves my long hair and it feels like the only thing that makes me feel feminine so I'm scared to touch it.
• I have never had a skin care routine or owned any skin care products. No idea what to buy.
• The only makeup I ever wear is eye base, eyeshadow and eyeliner. Never worn lipstick. No face-covering makeup at all as I tried to wear foundation once as a kid and got mocked for having a 'line' and I've never been able to face it since I have quite bad acne scarring from teen years so my skin looks pocked / lumpy in photos.
• I shave my legs, under my arms and my bikini line but my hair is dark and fast-growing so it would neee doing daily to really keep it under control. I don't have the self-discipline for that so am often prickly and self-conscious.
• Nails are short because that's how i've always had them; bitten; occasionally I put varnish on but it always seems to flake off so fast that I've given up.

I want to feel mor feminine and confident but... how? It feels like most women know this secret language and I don't get it.

I'd be so grateful for any advice, mumsnet.

What does feminine and confident look like to you?

I'd honestly say keep going as you are, but if you're not happy then easy to add a little in. Some ideas :

Get a haircut. It doesn't need to be short but tidying up with some longer layers will make it easier to manage.
If colour is bothering you buy a semi permanent in a slightly lighter colour than your hair, it'll just blend in greys and give it sine shine.

If you don't want hair, waxing is much longer lasting than shaving. Buy prewaxed strips (veet) and try on your lower legs.

For face, depending on whether dry or oily buy a cleanser. Boots no. 7 decent enough grand with a lot of options.
Remove it with a damp flannel to exfoliate your face.
Use a moisturiser with spf.

That is pretty basic but def enough to be getting in with.

You could go to a department store and ask to get a make-up session, that may be a good place to start. They can also test to see what colour foundation suits you and give you a free sample. I got one from Estee Lauder this week.Micellar water is a good face cleanser/make up remover. I use Eucerin moisturiser which I think is very good. You could use Chat GPT to help create a beauty routine. There's also lots of YouTube videos which can help you. It's all very learnable, so please don't feel bad or get stressed about it.

I can't give specific advice but I think it will come down to routines but just build on what you already do.
For example after cleaning your face in the morning put on an SPF, deal with your nails on another day. Make the next hair appointment as soon as you've had a cut.
Make up if you want to wear it could be tinted moisturiser, cream blusher and mascara. There are some great cheap products available.
Just one or two small changes to start with and see how you go.

Be careful that you are not being too heavily influenced by other people, society, social media.

It's fine to leave nails totally alone.
Skincare isn't necessary. It's a con IMO.
Makeup - if you're alright with what you do, why change it?

Hair - it sounds like that's pissing you off. You could namechange, take a photo of yourself, blur your face and ask on here for advice, stating your objectives.

This beauty stuff is generally a money making industry.

You don’t actually need to do anything if you are happy like that and you don’t have to teach your daughter either. Men aren’t prepping their sons for anything more than a “shit shower and shave” as my DH so elegantly puts it.

However if you insist

You could try waxing for the hair

Makeup - tinted moisturiser, lip tint, mascara. Nice and simple and not high maintenance

Hair- decent haircut goes a long way and use conditioner mid lengths to ends.

skincare - pixies vitamin c toner in the morning, basic moisturiser, pixies glycolic acid at night (I find these quite gentle compared to other toners I’ve used) and sunscreen.

nail polish will flake, I got a decent manicure once in a while for the shaping and just put clear polish on to make them look clean and tidy. Then just wipe off while watching telly and reapply nail strengthening stuff and a clear top coat. Have to do that every 3 days due to hands being in water a lot but doesn’t take long.

2nd this advice

I am not a make up person at all. Have never had any clue but just today I randomly went to Boots to buy some concealer for my terrible under eye dark circles and a very charming young chap showed me exactly how to apply it so much better than I ever could. He did such a good job that I bought some foundation too. It was honestly such a great service and I left feeling 10 million times better. I’m going to have a bit of a practice with this basic bit and then I am thinking of going back and asking him to show me a full look.

You got a promotion despite your 'general scruffiness' that should have given your self esteem a boost.
I did not get a job recently, despite my neat and tidy apperance.

I went through this recently. I solved it by:

Getting my colours done so I knew what to look for in clothes, hair colour and make up.

I booked (but cancelled) a John Lewis stylist appt as that was recommended to figure out how to dress for your body but I did that mostly online myself instead.

Had a bra fitting and bought new bras that fit properly

Started going to the hairdresser 4 times a year for cut and colour and advice for in between. They also wax and tint my eyebrows.

Booked an appointment with a private dermatologist who recommended me a tailored skin care regime that I stick to religiously

Did a round of teeth whitening with the dentist

Started getting my nails done every month.

Watched a lot of YouTube about doing simple make up looks to make you look younger.

It sounds really high maintenance, but aside from the regular hairdresser and nails (which are just short gel nails), it takes me about 15 mins to do my skincare, hair and make up done and because I’ve curated my wardrobe I can easily pull things out and look put together with minimal effort. I don’t look like I’m all dolled up, it’s a very natural but groomed look.

For me, I realised one day I was starting to look old (mid 30s) and putting weight on for the first time in my life so needed a full wardrobe overhaul anyway as most things no longer for it. It’s been game changing for how I feel about ageing/putting on weight/how I look - I genuinely don’t care that I look older and bigger now as I dress and style for it better and it’s not a bad thing, but it did require some time and money investment upfront. I get more compliments now than I ever did in my 20s!

Ive recently had a similar 'glow up' attempt for similar reasons and background.

Drink lots of water and take a good multi vit

Get a deep conditioning hair mask and once a week have a bath with it smothered in your hair. Get some kind of face sheet mask as well and shave legs/pits etc whilst you are marinating in masks.

Get a haircut every 8 weeks and ask the hairdresser what they think would look good. I kept my hair long for ages but recently asked my hairdresser for advice and now have a shoulder length cut which I love and is much easier to style. I'm having the few greys covered with a toner and gloss at the hairdressers at the moment.

I've got a revlon one step multistyler thing that makes short work of giving me nice blow dried hair after I've showered.

I use a light tinted moisturiser, a touch of cream blusher, eyeliner and mascara. Anything heavier makes me look like Bet Lynch.

I use a cheap hyaluronic acid serum from boots on my face when I get out of the shower in the morning

Boots Ingredients Hyaluronic Acid Serum 30ml - Boots https://share.google/gTPcusEmsdDcN1ZBi

That's it pretty much it and I am seeing a difference. I'm also experimenting with a vitamin c face oil from Boots as well and so far it's going well - gives me a bit of a glow.

Some new clothes that fit your new shape as well.

I googled hairdressers near me that would help restyle my hair. I looked for the reviews as well and found a lovely hairdresser that’s completely sorted my hair out to something I can manage. She’s so lovely. I go every 3 months.
Sometimes I go to the make up areas of John Lewis etc and find the friendliest make up people to give me tips/colour match me. There are loads of tips on TikTok etc.
You can buy starter skincare sets to trial from most companies and see what you like. It gives you a basic routine.
You don’t have to be any different to what you are. There’s no standard to live up to. Just do what makes you feel happy and comfortable

Drink plenty of water.
Moisturise at least before bed.
Make an appointment for a decent trim- doesn’t mean cut short by any means but a good 2”-3” will make a huge difference to the appearance of your hair.
A good conditioning hair mask and a rich colour toner to enhance your own natural colour will give it shine.
A decent brush - I recommend the “Olivia Garden” finger brush on Amazon - great for wet and dry hair.
Essie Platinum finish clear nail polish
A tinted moisturiser, Clarins lip comfort lip gloss and nyx brow pencil and you’re good to go 💪🏻
Good luck 💋💅🏼 💇🏻‍♀️

I think you need to re read this thread and concentrate on how self critical you are. Do you really want your daughter obsessing over all the millions of so called imperfections women and girls are told that they need to fix every day? It seems like youve internalised a really rigid view of what you should be doing. If you can put that to one side, the things that make me feel fabulous are:
a great hair cut
funky earrings
rosehip oil on my face and neck every night
Clothes that fit really well

👏 👏 👏

You probably look less scruffy than you think but I'd start with the hair as that seems to bother you the most and then work down.

Get a couple of inches chopped off (more if it is very frizzy and there are lots of split ends). It will be easier to manage if it is slightly shorter and less frizzy.
L'Oreal do a good range for long hair - called dream lengths - its available at Boots. I'd get the shampoo and conditioner and the wonder water. The latter is amazing - after you've rinsed off the shampoo you apply this to the ends and massage in with your fingers for 8 seconds. Then rinse out. Technically you then don't need to apply conditioner but my hair prefers to be conditioned afterwards and then rinse that out. It has an amazing defrizzing effect and also seems to untangle my hair.
(I often then just leave my hair to dry naturally and comb once dry - never seem to have any knots any more).

A couple of very simple updos are to put your hair in a ponytail halfway down the back of your head, wrap the length around several times and then just secure with a scrunchie. Second one is to put hair in a low pony tail at the nape of the neck, wrap length around your hand and then use a claw clip to secure the wrap to your head.

If you don't have many greys to cover this will work well - use it once a week as a conditioner https://www.superdrug.com/hair/hair-conditioners/colour-protect-conditioner/dnr-superdrug-colour-performance-conditioner-brunette-50ml/p/799102

Basic self care is things like regularly washing, cleaning teeth, getting dental check ups, getting your eyesight tested regularly, wearing clean clothes, eating a vaguely sensible diet, and so on.

I somehow manage to get through life without wearing makeup, without using the huge variety of beauty products marketed at women, and without thinking that those things are necessary or required of me. I’m clean, wear clean clothes, and that’s all that matters to me. I really wish I could persuade you that you haven’t missed out on something vital, you sound perfectly presentable and lovely. And congratulations on your promotion!

I bet my eyebrows laminated and lash extensions, as I have 3 small children and work full time. Easy to maintain, so it doesn’t take much to get ready in the morning concealer under eyes then bb cream lip balm. I take multi vitamins and just started a collagen supplement for my skin. I use the ordinary products for skin care, just their rose hip oil 3 nights a week and retinol the other nights.

The rose hip oil is so good I really feel like it makes a difference if I stop using it.

Well for make up its hard to answer. I have always worn eyeliner as that makes a difference on me, sometimes a bit of eye shadow. I do do my eyebrows as I have thin eyebrows and one is sparser than the other. I add a bit of bb cream rather than full heavy foundation, but don't bother every day. Haven't bothered with mascara for a while as I found it irritating my eyes.
I never bother with lippy as I have thin lips and it doesn't stay on.

Leg shaving is the one thing I do daily - I was hairy of leg when younger and just don't want to go back there.

Hair - get a good cut as pp have suggested. Do you use conditioner?

I do use a face moisturiser daily, with spf. I have a cleanser but use it only now and then as it all takes too long!

Hair - use conditioner on the lengths every time you wash. Don't brush it or tie it up while wet; it will break. Comb it with a wide-toothed comb either after rinsing or while the conditioner is in.

Regular trim (e.g. once every two or three months for long hair) is very important for hair condition.

Re brushing - start brushing just the bottom few inches, then as all the tangles are out from the first section, brush from a bit higher up, then gradually move up until you are brushing from top to bottom. This way you don't compound tangles.

Skin - use cleanser (can be a facial wash in a bottle or facial wash bar; most normal soaps aren't great for the face though you could try Aleppo soap or olive oil soap) on your face and neck morning and night. Use a daytime moisturiser and a facial sunscreen in the daytime. Use a richer night cream at night.

Sleep, exercise, water will help your skin glow.

I know what you mean as there is so much stuff out there. I had the opposite, a DM who wasn’t interested in skincare or make up at all (which you can tell). But it’s amazing how much difference a small amount of make up can make.

I’d maybe look at one or two brands if you are just starting out, say Cerave for skin and Bare Minerals for make up. You don’t mention mascara. I’d probably ditch the shadow and get some mascara. Or try a lash tint.

You can Google old threads on here where people are asking for specific product recommendations.

It’s a lot though, getting it all together, especially as you get older and need more and more stuff (serums, moisturisers) to stand still. As people often write on here, self acceptance is a lot cheaper and ultimately a lot less effort.

But SPF is essential.

I too have had a "glow up" recently

For me, the kick to get started was needing a new job

Like you I came to Mumsnet and read up on all the beauty tips

I settled with getting my hair styled to something flattering and easy to care for , getting my eyebrows shaped and finding myself a routine that I could stick to -cleanse and moisturise - I'm not one for lots of products. A foam cleanser, hyaluronic acid and a moisturiser

Just those few things have made me feel a lot better about myself - oh and shifting the extra weight and getting the exercise in ( walking , cycling ) just getting outside more

Make up - very little, and very rare

You may start with my basic skincare routine. So here goes my routine:
Morning:
Using water to wash your face,
Sebamed clear face gel,
Garnier spf
Evening:
Cerave moisturizer,
Tretinoin (0.1) from skinorac
Sebamed clear facial gel

I had quite a neglectful childhood and I've only really started to get to grips with self care and beauty stuff in my 30s. I'm now 37 and am feeling much better and more confident.

I would start with adding one or two things to your routine and going from there rather than trying to change everything at once. Just add in a couple of things and see how they make you feel. It does take a bit of trial and error.

Hair - I really like this Garnier Hair Food . You can use it like a normal conditioner, or you can apply it weekly like a hair mask or how I use it is as a leave in conditioner so apply a tiny bit (1p size) rubbed between my hands finger combed through my wet hair which is shoulder length so you may need more. Then just dry like normal. It's made a huge difference to the condition of my hair.

I also agree with getting regular cuts so when you are at the hairdressers, make an appointment for your next cut and then it's already in the diary.

If I can't be bothered and want to just tie my hair up I put it into a ponytail then up in a claw clip as I think it just looks a bit smarter and like I've intentionally chosen to wear my hair up rather than the CBA default.

Get this detangling hairbrush. It works brilliantly and just brush it through your hair in the morning and after washing it.

Skin - The basics for me are to wash my face, SPF in the day and a moisturiser at night. I keep a basket of flannels by the sink and every morning and night I use this Nivea cleanser . You just rub it onto your dry face and then wipe it off with a damp flannel and you're all done. I have a day cream with SPF and a night cream that I apply after I've cleaned my face. What works for you may differ as it depends if you've got dry skin, oily skin etc but I like this Olay SPF 30 day cream and this Neutrogena night cream. Do your skincare in the morning and evening when brushing your teeth.

Makeup - I think just start small with this one. A tinted moisturiser, tinted lip balm and mascara are my go to products that make me feel better and more put together. It takes me less than a minute I reckon to rub a BB cream over my face, apply a bit of lip balm and a few swipes of mascara. You could go into Boots and look at different products but I really like Erborian BB cream, Maybelline lifter tinted lip balm and Loreal Paradise mascara

Shaving - I keep a razor in the shower, I just buy bulk packs of men's disposable razors like these ones and I swap them out when I find they don't work as well. I use this Imperial leather shower mousse as my body wash and it works really well for shaving my legs, underarms and bikini line. I just do it every few days to keep on top of it.

Nails I tend to just keep short and clean. I sometimes paint on a nail hardener as a clear polish

I'd say it takes me 5 minutes in the morning to do my little self care routine of brush teeth, wash face, moisturiser on, apply deodorant, brush my hair, bit of makeup and a couple of squirts of perfume. I keep everything I need in a basket by the bathroom sink so it's all easy to hand.

I've linked to Amazon just for ease but pretty much all of these products you could get in a trip to a large Boots store or you could definitely get similar items.

I am short on time/lazy.

I wash my face every night with an oil cleanser and use a moisturiser with hydralauric acid in it. Tinted moisturiser, eyeliner, mascara. A good facial sunscreen. I like Caudalie and La Roche Posay so stick with these.

I get my eyelashes tinted and brows shaped each month. Mobile hairdresser trims my hair every three. Nivea soft as a body moisturiser - but a decent foot cream.

Walk lots to exercise/feel better, when I can.

Charity shop clothes that don’t suit me or are tight. Wear what makes me feel nice, on repeat.

Eyebrows shaped, hair cut and maintained-- sounds like you have textured hair, and worth going to see a specialist about it?

I am older than you but this is my "routine"

AM
Wake up- wash face with water and pat dry.
Apply The Ordinary serum- I rotate between a hydroloric (sp?!)acid one, a vit c one and a caffeine one. I just pick and mix through the week.
Then facial suncream- factor 50 and I never skip this step
Then Cera Ve moisturizer

Makeup
bit of concealer under eyes and round nose
loose powder to set in those areas
charlotte tilbury pillow talk cream blush
mascara
got to be glued brow gel. Swipe my eyebrows up. Immediately lifting!
Bit of lipbalm or tinted balm, like the glossier ones

PM
The Inkey list oat balm face cleanser- this stuff is amazing. I use it with hot water and a flannel to swpe everything off
Let face dry, then apply toning face mist
Then either A212 cream or one of the ordinary serums
All about eyes eye roller
The weleda skin food (green tube)

Rub excess creams into hands and elbows and decolletage.

I do not deviate from this routine really! Makeup might be a bit more for an event or whatever.

Nails- short and clean
Toes- gel pedi every month
feet- dry pumice once a month
body- any type of lotion after the shower, dry body brush twice a week
Hair- highlights every 6 months, cut every 2