Where does a completely clueless person begin with basic self-care and beauty things?

[RikkeOfTheLongEye]

I'm embarrassed to be writing this but I'm a mid-30s woman who has never done much in the way of even quite basic self-care and beauty routines'. I got away with minimal effort by the skin of my teeth when I was younger. I think this was down to a combination of being just about pretty enough to still have a modicum of attractiveness, being fairly skinny, and going out with men who were generally not very appearance-orientated, or who generally appreciated me being low-maintenance.

In my early thirties I met someone I fell in love with, had a kid and got married in quick succession. But some combination of exhaustion / work stress, pregnancy weight gain that I never fully reversed and just general ageing means that I really can't get away with the way I've always done things. I look a mess and my self-esteem is down the drain. I also recently got a promotion at work and this has made me feel even more self-conscious about my general scruffiness Weight is my biggest issue and I'm making good progress with losing this now, but I'd love to raise my game generally and get some of my confidence back. In addition, I've got a DD now, and I'd love to be able to teach her how to look after herself as she gets older and do the hair / makeup thing with her if she's into all that, but right now I'm so clueless that I'd be a useless mentor.

When I was a kid my DM tried to teach me things and get me into routines but it totally failed. I was stubborn, clumsy, lazy and had sensory issues and recurrent depression. My self-esteem was so low that I just wanted to hide and not be looked at and not to have to think about my body beyond basic washing and applying deordeant (and even this was a battle with my DM a lot of the time). I don't know how else to explain it. Years later I've lost my DM and have no other female figure I can ask for help, and whilst the internet is awash with beauty advice, i don't know where to begin.

To break it down:

• I have no idea how to care for my hair. I had a pixie cut throughout childhood, teens and most of my 20s. I grew it long in lockdown and it's now a long way down my back. It's all my natural dark brown colour but with greys creeping in. It's frizzy and dull and lifeless and I don't even know how to brush it properly, let alone how to style it nicely (pathetic attempts to copy youtube tutorials on plaits and buns have all led to disaster). It is a tangled nightmare that I usually cope with my scraping back into a messy ponytail and ignoring. I would get it cut but my DH loves my long hair and it feels like the only thing that makes me feel feminine so I'm scared to touch it.
• I have never had a skin care routine or owned any skin care products. No idea what to buy.
• The only makeup I ever wear is eye base, eyeshadow and eyeliner. Never worn lipstick. No face-covering makeup at all as I tried to wear foundation once as a kid and got mocked for having a 'line' and I've never been able to face it since I have quite bad acne scarring from teen years so my skin looks pocked / lumpy in photos.
• I shave my legs, under my arms and my bikini line but my hair is dark and fast-growing so it would neee doing daily to really keep it under control. I don't have the self-discipline for that so am often prickly and self-conscious.
• Nails are short because that's how i've always had them; bitten; occasionally I put varnish on but it always seems to flake off so fast that I've given up.

I want to feel mor feminine and confident but... how? It feels like most women know this secret language and I don't get it.

I'd be so grateful for any advice, mumsnet.

You can get away without mascara by using an eyelash curler (heat the curler briefly with a hairdryer first for a longer lasting effect - be careful not to burn yourself though!)

What do you like best about your appearance? Let's see if we can figure out out to highlight that!
I've got nice nails so I keep them natural. Clean, shaped, sometimes buffed, but I don't have to mess about with varnish.
I don't really like my natural eyebrows so I have them threaded as and when required. That might not be for you if you have sensory issues.
Ask you hairdresser for tips about how to maintain your hair day to day. If you aren't a big beauty routine person most, you are unlikely to change so go for paid things that last ages or home things that are really simple. Good luck!

I like most of the above suggestions but personally cba with make up apart from eyebrows and a lip tint. I do tint my lashes every month though which makes a huge difference, I use an Eyelure kit from Boots but you can pay to have it done until you're confident enough, it's really quite easy. Oh yes, and get your hair sorted as suggested, a good hair day makes everything better! Good luck x

Cba is also good

• Get your hair cut! Ask for a style that is easy to style and grows out well. Apply rich conditioner to the ends of your hair but not the scalp, to minimise the frizz. Blow dry on a cool setting, only the roots of your hair, around the scalp. Let the ends dry naturally, again to avoid frizz. I sometimes put a tiny amount of conditioner or even facial moisturiser onto the tips of my fingers and then run them over the ends of my hair to kill the frizz.
• You need to work out what skin type you have: dry, oily, sensitive. IMO reasonably priced skin care is just as good as expensive products. i love Nivea and Garnier for basic cleaner, toner and moisturiser. Other MNers often recommend Cerave.
• Get your eyebrows threaded or waxed as this makes such a difference to how put together you look and helps shape the face. Try a light tinted moisturiser or mix some foundation with moisturiser. Just blend it in thoroughly so it doesn't streak. I love Rimmel London. It lasts all day. It's waterproof. It's very reasonably priced and it doesn't dry out your skin or cause breakouts but gives very good coverage. Also comes in a good range of colours. I have tried more expensive (eg Bobbi Brown) and it was nowhere near as good. One tip is to find a fairly nude lipstick and then let it double as a natural looking blusher that blends with the rest of your makeup.
• Look up Ali Andreea on Youtube for free lessons in how to apply make up - from natural to dramatic looks. She's also excellent on how not to apply it. If I follow her advice to the letter people always tell me I look amazing (they don't usually ) She is the goddess of make up imo.
• Just shave legs and armpits in the shower every night. It's so easy. Trim bikini line while sitting on the loo, with good nail scissors saved for the purpose and cleaned with antibacterial after use. Use a bit of conditioner on bikini area to keep the hair soft.
• Can't help you with nails. Wish I could. I have all other aspects of beauty sorted but I just fail with nails - same as you - short and the polish always chips within seconds.

I really identify with your post, especially this feeling that everyone else knows this secret language, and despite so much information out there it’s still almost impossible to get started! (As an aside, for what it’s worth, I’m recently diagnosed autistic…)

Here is what I have learnt:
Hair - after shampooing, apply lots of conditioner to the whole length of hair avoiding the roots, leave it in for a couple minutes then comb out (it’s way easier to detangle like this) before rinsing. Once out the shower, after towel drying hair, apply leave in conditioner spray (eg Aussie detangling spray) to wet hair before combing through. Avoid brushing when dry if possible to prevent frizziness. If it gets tangly overnight, try a silk pillowcase, or a hair wrap, or putting your hair in a top knot or plait with a scrunchie.
Skin care - I use the Cerave foaming cleanser and a basic facial spf, this would be a great starting point if you don’t have a routine, you don’t need anything fancy if you don’t have any major skin concerns (if your skin was super oily or dry you would definitely know about it). I use a miscellar water (Garnier or Bioderma) to remove makeup/spf at end of the day.
Makeup - Sounds like you have a good look sorted already! If you want to switch it up, try makeup counters in department stores, a lot of them do free makeovers etc which gives you a great chance to try out lots of new products and see what you like or what suits you. My recommendation is to add 1 new product at a time! I always go overboard and imagine I’m going to create a whole new routine then it all gets too overwhelming and I give up completely. If no beauty counters etc near you, you might be able to find a personal makeup lesson if budget allows.
Body hair - if budget allows you can try a professional waxing, if not then you can get an electric razor to use daily in the shower (similar to what men use for beards, but a waterproof version)
Nails - no need to have varnish to look smart. Regular filing is totally fine. If budget allows, you can try professional manicures but it’s not a strict requirement for looking professional. If biting them is an issue, you could try getting an acrylic manicure.

hope this helps, and wishing you lots of luck on your discovery journey

I'd focus initially on stuff you really fancy doing.
So if you want to change your hair, do that first. I'd second what a PP said about using a semi permanent that's slightly lighter than your hair colour - that works really well on my very dark brown hair. The main colour doesn't really change but the greys do.
If you don't already have a trusted hairdresser, ask people with good but low maintenance looking hair who they go to. And ask that hairdresser for their advice on the best cut for you. You mentioned frizz so you might be fighting your natural hair type by treating curly or wavy hair like straight hair.
What in the world of beauty intrigues or excites you the most? Of all the mysterious shit, what have you seen and said you know what that looks fun? Face or hair masks maybe? Or getting your nails or eyebrows done? Do the stuff that makes life a bit more fun rather than doing it because you're a woman and we are 'supposed' to spend time and money on beauty.

Long hair- get a layered shoulder length easy maintenance cut and brush daily. I use liese box hairdye which is v easy.

Skincare- muji hydrating essence, good cleanser to remove your makeup (cleansing oil in shower), facial oil, moisturizer, spf 50 serum for day (beauty of joseon spf serum before you go out) - basically cleanse, moisturize and protect.

Makeup- missha bb cream (if you are fair) or erborian (if you are not), dab of daniel sandler cherub blush and hince highlighter stick balm, elf primer/powder/one size setting spray if you are oily and helps face makeup stay on the whole day. Lip oil/lip stain for your lips (recommend etude house)
Simple slick of waterproof mascara. Korean makeup is good value for money.

I do all this and am a 32 year old mum of a 2 week old newborn. I even managed to do this in hospital and it took 5 to 7 mins daily with teeth brushing and contact lens.

I barely shave now, just live in nursing dresses with sleeves and crocs so hardly a fashionista but makeup/skincare is something I still do for myself.

I would agree with you somewhat, focussing on the appearance can be the first step

My thinking is if anyone is doing anything because 'its what you're supposed to do' it turns it into a chore. But if the OP comes at it from a perspective of 'oooh I really fancy trying that out' then it's starting from a really positive place.

It sounds like you're very hard on yourself! Like others have said I would work out what you actually want and enjoy rather than thinking there are any rules you are supposed to be following just because you're female.

Personally I enjoy having tidy hair that looks in good condition, meaning regular haircuts in a style that is low maintenance (ask your hairdresser about this). I use a styling spray on it, blow dry then a bit of anti-frizz serum and hairspray.

I also enjoy having nice clear skin. I use the online prescription service Skin + Me - they send you a customised serum once a month which I use at night after cleansing and before moisturiser. In the morning I cleanse my face with a gentle gel cleanser, apply a vitamin C serum as it makes me look nice and glowy then apply moisturiser and spf (spf is v important). There are loads of good affordable skincare brands now - I like Garnier, Byoma, Bubble and The Ordinary, all of which I get from Boots. I also love french pharmacy brands like La Roche Posay and Avene which are also often on offer at Boots.

I like minimal, natural looking makeup (again, you don't have to bother with makeup, I just do it because I enjoy it). I use a tinted moisturiser, cream blush, concealer, mascara and a brow pencil. In summer I also use a cream bronzer. My favourite thing is experimenting with eyeshadows and eyeliner for evening.

Things like self-tan I only do now and again - I love the effect but find it a chore to apply. Gradual body tan is the easiest way.

I had a couple of courses of laser hair removal at a salon so I barely need to shave now. I've found this makes my life a lot easier. Obviously not caring about the hair would be better and cheaper but I have accepted that I feel better without it and that it's society's fault, not my fault.

These are just examples - feel free to ignore, none of it is compulsory.