I wish I didn't care about my appearance

[sunshinedaises]

I'm 37, happily married and have 2ds. In the last year I have gotten so down about my appearance and I'm not sure why, is it an age thing? I have botox which I love and I got lip fillers which I regret. I was going to get other treatments but decided against is as the lip fillers put me off. I've tried so many different make up items and lotions and potions but every time I look in the mirror I feel so down even though I don't like much different to a couple of years ago. I wish I didn't care, nobody else cares so why do I?! How can I stop being so obsessive over this? Thanks

Do you have much on social media? I am similar to you 2 children 7 & 5 and I’m 36, a lot of people now have had Botox my age and I always think that I look wrinkly or getting old but I guess we are and we should be grateful that we get to age that’s what I tell myself. However it’s hard when you see online mums with this perfect wardrobe or perfect body. Is it mainly your face you’re unhappy with? What is it that you feel you don’t like?

OK let me first say that I'm "only" 21 and TOLD "my face is my fortune" (seems to be a phrase my grandmother loves saying),
BUT I'm noticing changes in my appearance almost daily, and this must be BECAUSE I'm looking for them!
Sorry, what I'm taking ages to say is that we are only concerned with our looks because the world tells us we should be. It doesn't tell men to be concerned but because we're women we're supposed to be "obsessed" with wanting to look "good".
APOLOGIES if I'm missing your point(s) - just had to make my point!

This isn’t about your looks it’s about what’s going on in your head.

do you do anything for you? An exercise class or a hobby?

You sound like you need to build your self worth and your confidence and that comes from within.

find your happy and it will look back at you when you look in the mirror ❤️

I’m with foodiefil on this - there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, the issue is your self-worth and therefore that’s what you want to work on. I’ve suffered from fairly severe self esteem issues in my life and have tackled this through exercise, social life, avoiding social media and judgemental friends/family, therapy and most importantly observing and changing the way I speak to myself internally. It’s a slow process but a vital one. I feel better now that I’m approaching 50 than I ever did at 20 and it’s certainly not because I look any younger or better. I just appreciate myself more.

OP are you doing anything healthy to feel good about yourself or just paying for tweakments.
are you healthy? Fit? Strong? Going these things improves one’s mental health and boosts our confidence in a way paying for injections can’t.

Please stop listening to your grandmother. Your face isn’t your fortune - what a horrible saying. Your life is your fortune - spend it wisely. You cannot possibly be ageing badly at 21 unless you are aiming for pre-pubescent. You’re still growing into your body, your face shape, your identity. Please surround yourself with love and loving people, and watch how you are talking to yourself. That internal monologue can be your best or your worst friend, and the difference between a happy life and an unhappy one.

Why do you care so much @sunshinedaises ? Not trying to be facetious here, but it really is something that baffles me. I could not give a shit what I look like. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of a person, and I couldn't care less if my T-shirt is wrinkled, my beards looking scruffy. I maintain basic hygiene, I'm clean, I don't have holes in my clothes etc. And I dress appropriately for the situation, but only because that's what society dictates.

DP on the other hand is like you, she feels the need to look good at all times. She can't just pop to the shop without her makeup on, an outfit that she was happy with last week she's not happy with the next. And it actively ruins her night out if she feels she doesn't look good.

As I said, it baffles me. And I'd love to get some understanding on why it affects people so much, but it also might help you to pick through the reasons behind the feeling OP, to working out the root cause might help you care a bit less.

@giraffes2021 I'm on social media but no friends or family post so it's just celebs I see. Yeah it's mainly my face and it's just things bothering me that never did before (such as moles) and I have bad melasma as well in the worst place so it's all I see when I look in the mirror. It's meaning I have to wear lots of make up even when I don't want to in case I bump into someone I know

@foodiefil @LusciousLemons thank you. I don't have time for exercise with a 2 and a 4 year old and I don't really have a hobby. I try reading but just end up doom scrolling. You're both right I need to work on my self esteem and self worth but how do you do that? How do I change my internal dialogue

@yakkity I'm healthy and not overweight but I am just paying for treatments to make myself feel better. I think I really do need to change my frame of mind just not sure how

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I honestly don't know why it affects me so much and I really wish it didn't. I'm trying to get to the root cause and trying to realise that no one cares but it's a work in progress. I'm not trying to impress anyone so I don't understand why it bothers me so much, I'm just so hard on myself

Following female celebs is the worst thing you can do for your self-esteem.
Not only do they almost all have expensive cosmetic procedures, they have access to a team of make-up artists, expensive hairdressers, stylists and are just a walking PR image. They might as well be AI they are that fake.
I would stop doing that for a start!

I remember being 37 or so, and being really bothered by the sudden aging and changes in my face.

Luckily by 40, I stopped caring completely

With DP, it's only really out and about it matters, she's perfectly happy slobbing about at home. Is that the case with you, or are you critical of yourself all the time?

What about other people, what do you think if you see someone else out and about looking really rough?

Do you have a partner who can help with the children, or family?

It’s so difficult to advise what you can do when I don’t know your schedule or what you like to do but you do sound quite low so I think you should prioritise this.

Walking is free and easy, stick headphones in and listen to a podcast (Mel Robbins might be something you’d enjoy).

practice self care - 10/20 mins on an evening doing your skin care and hopefully have no interruptions!

spend time with friends IRL!

time in nature.

a class once a week if possible that you enjoy maybe that’s yoga, HIIT, dancing.

practice gratitude- at the end of the day I think of 5 things I’m grateful for in that day, even tiny things like something I noticed on a walk or a meal I made or anything!

if you change your mind you’ll change how you see yourself

It's not your looks, it's your low opinion of yourself and lack of confidence.
Work on those and you won't need treatments

Also…!

be kind to yourself, you’re a mum to two very young children and have a lot on your plate. It’s ok if you don’t feel like the “you” you know - you’ll find her again.

if it would help you focus on your appearance a bit then think about a uniform - something like white tee and jeans or leggings sweater socks and trainers and give yourself the time - 5 mins - to do concealer/brows/few slicks of mascara and lip balm brush through hair every morning even when you aren’t going anywhere

Get off social media (or at least unfollow all the celebs), read some books about repairing self worth and/or engage in therapy would be the first things I’d do. You don’t need more treatments or different clothes, you need to find out what things besides your appearance make you YOU, what makes you excited, what you’re passionate about. Doom scrolling and examining your appearance in the mirror are surefire ways to tank your mental health when you have self image issues.

I may get quoted for this but i think having fillers does age some people.
I think op you need to just love yourself more be happy with what see.
When im getting ready in the mornings i look in the mirror and loudly say OH SOMEONES LOOKING FABULOUS TODAY.
I better stay indoors with my looks i risk getting men pregnant.
I need some filler to the fridge grab cake filler done.
Tbh i look like an old hag but i love me and dont care what others think.
Im a big girl bigger than most i like to think theres more of me to squeez.
When im done loving upon myself ill let others love up on me.

I once got told that my top didnt look right on me my very words right back to said person(sister) was sweetie your not wearing it i think im stunning in it i can pull a bin bag off love go judge yourself in pitty party room.
All said in my upbeat happy voice.
Personality and confidence will over look any fake beauty looks.

Just start to love yourself be yourself you will shine took me years when my nan told me the same.
Edited to change spellings.

Also to add SM is the fakest thing ever its not real.

Not saying we should ever listen to men on how we look, but bear with me here and I am very happily married.

I am 34 years of age, thin with long blonde hair. I look older than I am (I think) - I’m very critical of my face. I’m ok with makeup on I suppose, but I definitely IMO look older than my friends. I have 3 children, the youngest of which is 3.

Anyway, I’d rate myself 6/10. I work in a male dominated environment and holy fuck. I’ve yet to meet a man I couldn’t have if I wanted. But I am a 6/10. Men seem to find me attractive, but I don’t think I am. I think they see the figure and the hair and that’s it.

Strange creatures. DH thinks I’m lovely and my kids say I’m pretty so whatever. But I don’t think what we see is reflective of all of society.

Look at photos of yourself aged 27. Great, right? What did you think you looked like then?

Now imagine yourself aged 47 or 57 looking at photos of yourself now. What would your future self say?

Chances are it will be "What on earth was I worrying about? I looked great."

Enjoy the age you are, and the privilege of ageing, if you get there.

The good news is that also most people when they get to 40 or so start to give fewer fucks. That's not to say you don't look after yourself, and you need to health wise, if you haven't already started to, but hopefully you get to a stage where you feel enough, just as you are, and you genuinely don't care what people think (especially random blokes) as you just know that you are ok.

If my face was my fortune I'd be in debt 😂

I care too much about my appearance and can’t understand people who don’t. I think the answer for me is going to be around maintaining fitness and strength, so looking after and appreciating what I have rather than wishing x bit was different. A friend commented that I ‘look after myself’ which is the sort of compliment that can apply at any age.