I wish I didn't care about my appearance

[sunshinedaises]

I'm 37, happily married and have 2ds. In the last year I have gotten so down about my appearance and I'm not sure why, is it an age thing? I have botox which I love and I got lip fillers which I regret. I was going to get other treatments but decided against is as the lip fillers put me off. I've tried so many different make up items and lotions and potions but every time I look in the mirror I feel so down even though I don't like much different to a couple of years ago. I wish I didn't care, nobody else cares so why do I?! How can I stop being so obsessive over this? Thanks

I think a complete lack of vanity is an unusual, and curious, thing.

I could never be someone that says ‘I’ve earned these laughter lines’ or any of that schmaltz.

Seeing my face start to age is not something I enjoy; I’m horribly vain. But conversely, I enjoy conceit and won’t ever be someone that stops caring. If I look good, I feel good. If I popped to the shop looking like a bag of washing, I’d feel self conscious. I don’t wear make up every day, but I’m fastidious over skin and hair care.

Enjoy being 37, OP. It’s still pretty young and you probably have years of youthful skin before the menopause kicks in.

Sorry, I apologise (again) if I sound angry about my "changing" looks. No but I'm sure all girls and women look closely at their faces and notice daily or weekly differences (for good or bad).
I'm not suggesting that I'm "aging" badly.
Re my grandmother. Yes of course you're right, but I'm "conventionally pretty" and she loves to keep telling me so!
But thanks for your comments.

Exactly!!! Even celebrities don’t look like themselves in real life! You’re setting yourself up for failure comparing yourself to people who aren’t actually real. We can all look fabulous if we have the best make-up artists and hair stylists and personal trainers and filters and have photos taken from the right angle with the right lighting.

Maybe spend some of the Botox money on a good therapist instead and get some support to work through why you don’t seem to love/value/accept yourself. And I mean that in the kindest possible way! Fixing inside your head will help you much more than trying to fix the outside!

So I have a couple of suggestions that can be done on the cheap and don’t get in the way of kids and life:

1. definitely get away from social media and specifically famous women - that’s a toxic world,
2. start journaling - set yourself 5 minutes every evening after the kids are in bed and you are in peace and quiet - set a timer for 5 minutes and write all your thoughts down (no censoring). Then close the journal. Don’t read it over, ever,
3. start noticing your thoughts - try to listen in - and when you find yourself saying something negative to/about yourself just correct it - ie “god I look awful in these jeans” - “I don’t look awful at all, I’m being mean to myself, these jeans enhance the curves of my bottom and bring out the colour of my eyes” etc,
4. positive affirmations - every morning take one minute to look in the mirror and think to yourself three great things about you - take the time to congratulate yourself for being a great mum, a great wife, a great friend, a good person in this world,
5. find some way to do good in the world - helping others makes us feel better about ourselves. Make a point of being nice to a mum who looks stressed, smile at a lonely elderly person, help out a charity, whatever other opportunities might come your way

all of these things are proven to help and really do work. It takes a while but you’ll see.

Have you considered looking less?

Many years ago, for an unrelated reason, I had to remove all the mirrors in my house. That reason has long gone but I've never gone back! Constantly looking at yourself makes you obsess over what you look like. But it doesn't really matter. It isn't very interesting.

I quite often see myself for the first time in a day while signing into teams/meet/zoom for a work call. I don't discover I have a ham sandwich on my face or anything. It's fine.

Try being in your body, instead of looking at your body. How do you feel? Get a lovely cream for your face. How does that feel? Dress yourself in glorious silks - how do they feel? Run up a hill!

So much good advice on here. Everyone wants to look nice but no one needs to look like a beauty queen. Try to focus on your good points rather than the less good. You don’t have perfect skin but you are slim which is great. Me too and I’d like great skin but it’s not the best all and end all. Suggest you ditch the celebs on SM and watch less TV. Get out in nature with the kids, get mucky, collect leaves, learn tree names, spot birds. Take up a hobby - it can be home based like a craft or learn French or read Anna Karenina. Do something nice for someone else and be happy you are a great person.

Consider taking up lifting weights in a planned way. It gives you something else to think about - getting string, technique etc and you will see yourself in an entirely new light x

With due respect, I assume you are a man?

If so you can't begin to imagine the pressure women can be put under about their looks.

Am not being snotty with you, just saying no wonder you are baffled if you aren't a woman!

It's not your fault you care a lot OP - we are bombarded all our lives with messages that how a woman looks is still the most important thing. I also wish I cared less- it's something I hope I can make progress on but I also don't beat myself up about it anymore because I know it's not my fault.

I think you just have to try not to think about it so much. And I say 'try' because I know it isnt easy, thanks to social media we are all programmed to think we should look like a perfect version of ourselves at all times.

Nobody looks perfect all the time. Its much better to think about how you feel IMO. Do something to improve your health like a good diet or exercise, wear something that makes you feel good (wether its in fashion or not!), work on relationships with friends and family or start a new hobby.
Just so when you look in the mirror you can see something other then whats on the surface.

I'll never win any beauty contests (have a wonky mouth and droopy eye, if Im really tired I look like Ive had a stroke!) but I eat healthily, exercise regularly, enjoy my life and have fun wearing clothes and make up that make me feel happy.
Its about reminding yourself of all the wonderful things you actual have in life and not stressing over what you dont have!

@sunshinedaises you have very young children and are 37 so a bit on the older side with small kids which is hard work!! It’s probably also the young child exhaustion . I had kids 10 years before you and looked exhausted and old when they were small. Tons of water , exercise and sleep really make a lot of difference.

Absolutely agree with this, I had my kids in my late 30s too and it really takes a toll, especially in those early years. It’s not just the physical exhaustion either, it’s the mental load, the constant giving, and often not having much time for yourself. I don’t think people talk enough about how that can affect how you see yourself too, even when you haven’t changed much on the outside. It’s like you’re running on empty and just can’t access that spark. I’ve found small things help, getting outside for even a 15-minute walk alone, drinking more water, or just doing one thing a day that feels like it's for me, not the kids. It all adds up eventually.

This is so true. I totally agree and understand what you are saying yet it’s still so hard to put this into practice. I’ve always had issues with my looks and now, in my late 40’s, it’s very hard to know it’s all downhill and you look for every change.

I definitely agree with this - we don't seem to realise how good we look until a decade later when looking back, so try and enjoy being 37 as likely you look great and it is just seeing yourself every day, you don't see how good you actually look.

The other thing to remember is no one actually looks how they look on social media in real life. Even if photos look unfiltered, they usually are! I've bought make-up based on social media videos too and when it arrives even the colour is totally off from the filtered videos/photos.

Just stay hydrated, follow a skincare regime, never sleep with make-up on and you'll look your best! Oh and lip fillers seem to make most people look worse especially without make up so it's great you didn't do that. If anything a retinol cream can be really helpful for texture/early aging signs!

I can simplify this for you.

Do whatever you want for your skin. Don't beat yourself up over it
If you want to invest in things do it. Just be realistic that some signs of ageing are inevitable.

Hair- good cut and colour, done. Mix it up now and then.

Style- I got my colours done and it solved a lot of my anxiety about appearance and feeling invisible. Let your clothes speak for you. Choose colour wisely.

Lift weights at the gym. Makes everything better.

Thats literally all.

Is it a self confidence or self esteem thing? Of a jealousy thing?

Can you list all the things other people love you for? Use that to start to understand who you are and why your appearance isn’t that important

Hey @sunshinedaises ,

I wondered two things:

1. Are you treating your melasma?

I understand that daily application of Tretinoin (at night) and Azelaic Acid (any time of the day) can clear that up for you.

Once you're happy that your melasma is under control and your skin has completely cleared up and smoothed out, you can skip wearing make-up altogether which is very liberating.

I started Tretinoin in January. I started by applying it 3x per week at night, and from the end of February, I went to applying it every night.

I finally felt comfortable to stop wearing make-up back in April/ May. I only wear mascara, blush and lip gloss now. I can't believe it, I used to be caked in foundation, concealer and colour corrector every day. It used to cost me a small fortune replacing my make-up every 4-6 weeks. It was also time consuming and frustrating.

1. Have you heard of Caroline Girvan, or Hailey Babcock?

They both offer:

• exercises for working out at home with minimal or no equipment) and/or at a fully equipped gym.
• workouts ranging from 15 minutes up to 75 minutes in duration; and
• free content and paid for content

In both cases the free content is amazing - particularly Caroline's YouTube channel - its amazing that she's created such wonderful programmes and offers them to everyone for free. Hailey has some amazing free content in her app (Hailey Happens Fitness), in particular the Learn to Lift programme - a step-by step guide to peforming all of the major lifts that you might encounter in any programme where you lift weights.

When you're ready to progress to moving physical weights in addition to body weight; and you have resources to allow you to allocate (£12, p/m (Caroline) or (£25p/m, Hailey) from your monthly budget, their paid for content is brilliant, would definitely be worth your time and investment.

I started with Caroline's free content on her YouTube channel last year April and it had a transformative effect on my physique and energy levels. I started training via Hailey's app in April this year, and I have progressed rapidly in the last 3 months. Both my strength and body composition has improved again.

If you can commit 25-30mins each day to training at home every day, even just body- weight exercises, you would be doing yourself a massive favour. I wake up at 5.30am every morning and do my exercise whilst the rest of the house is asleep.

If you can start seeing lasting improvements in your skin concerns and get some daily movement habitualised into your every day or l is, it is probable that your mood will lift and you'll feel all of the benefits quite quickly, in a variety of ways.

🙄

How happy are you with other aspects of your life? Do you get much rest and relaxation time where you aren't beholden to kids or family? I sometimes find when I start obsessing over my looks, or the look of my house, it's displaced anxiety or discontent about something else.