Low level sadness/how to get out of a style rut

[Eesha]

Post a sad relationship breakup, I seem to have lost interest in myself. I'm going through the motions with the school run plus wfh but I hardly ever look in the mirror and just wear baggy clothes. I've let my leg hair grow and just wear clothes to cover me. No cream. No makeup. I barely brush my hair, and my roots are massive. It's like I feel invisible. My friend says I have some sort of a low level depression and is encouraging me to do stuff for myself. She's on WLI and is great at pampering herself.

I'm obese but I actually carry my weight in a balanced way but that also plays on my mind, like a sadness. I'm starting a calorie controlled diet to reduce this.

I used to look great when I was in my relationship as I was happy plus my ex adored how i look, but I have lost motivation. Any tips to get me out of this horrible rut.

im sorry about your relationship breakup. Your friend does sound like she may have a point about depression. I am having counselling for anxiety but the weekly assessment I do also scores depression and things you have written would score quite high on that section. I self referred through my local talking therapies service, it was very easy and for me it’s a safe space to talk about things without the feeling that I’m leaning on friends too much.

Regarding style and beauty I’m sure we can help, can you tell us a bit about what styles you admire on others? What makes you feel good? It sounds like you associate looking good in a certain way with your ex. Luckily there are lots of ways to look and feel amazing.

x

@Settodonotdisturb Thank you, I do the school run so wanted to look a bit more trendy/comfy, then im going to go back into the office more (im in PR back office) so wanted some stuff to look again more on trend but not heels if possible. I have been looking at influencers plus commuters wearing lighter colours like white trousers/jeans and looking so fresh. I'm currently in black or khaki. I know when I'm on form, I can look great but I feel so drab. My face skin is good, hair can look amazing, body needs work but in proportion. It's underneath where I look blah

Sorry to hear this.

In the first instance, do you feel up to a hair appointment? Getting that sorted might make you feel and look a bit better, and more ready to face changing room mirrors.

Sorry you’re having a hard time, it’s rubbish isnt it. I think taking care of yourself and doing things that make you feel good would be a start.

Get some lovely bath products - I like L’Occitane and there are often minis around if you don’t want to splash out - and a face mask and a nice candle and have a long relaxing bath. Treat yourself to some new underwear or get your nails done. Feeling good underneath helps me feel better on the outside.

For clothes, you don’t specify a budget but M&S and the supermarkets - especially Sainsburys - are a good start while you’re figuring out your new style.

Definitely agree with a hair appointment, a new colour or style can completely change how you look and feel.

I'd be tempted to start with the inside out, so get some nourishing food, making sure you're sleeping well and then work in some brisk walks in a park.

Making some play lists with either upbeat music if you're in a slump or lean into some sad songs.

You'll come right again after a heartbreak, and it will take some time and healing.

@MorningSunlight so I have finally booked in to do my hair next week. Im going into the office so felt I had no choice. Also bought a heap of clothes to try out. Taking 90% back but a couple seem nice!

Still haven't really done anything to my face/nails. Think I should paint them at least before going to work.

Starting to calorie count....

That’s a great start, come back and let us know how the haircut goes and what you think of the new clothes.

You don't have to paint your nails or face for work. Do it if it feels good, not if it's extra pressure and stress.

It's so hard to climb out of a depressive place. Well done making a few changes. You said you had no choice as you have to go into the office, but you did have a choice and you took it.

I agree with @thedevilinablackdress, I would get things right back to wonderfully caring basics. A nice soap and shampoo/conditioner for the shower, maybe a nice towel and robe for after, a nice body and face lotion, followed by a moment with a cup of tea before dressing just to think about the weather and tasks of the day before deciding on clothes to suit the day, then choosing something clean and comfortable, in good condition, that you really like.

Thanks all, I think the hair will make a big difference as it looks brilliant when done yet I've let it grow the roots so badly since the breakup.

Nails : i used to regularly do them at the salon but for cost savings, I'll just buy a colour later

Body care: skin all scaley!!

Face : a friend wants to do a hydrofacial with me so im going to see what it's like!

Water : getting to 1L a day but need to drink at least 2.

Clothes: bought a load of lighter items but having trouble matching stuff! For example, dark navy trousers for the school run but what jacket for summer? Im too big to go jacket/cover up free! So looking at shackets. Can't find work shoes....

Inside im sad....but trying to get on with things.

Maybe a couple of linen shirts as cover ups for warmer days?

I’ve got a denim shacket which goes with lots - I think it was from Sainsburys. It feels more modern than a denim jacket. Agree about shirts - I like a nice striped one over a vest and again the shops are full of them.

What are the rules for work shoes? I guarantee someone here can help you find something.

Hi @MorningSunlight , no rules on workshoes at all so I could go in trainers but would like to look a tad smarter, plus have had plantar fasciitis before so have avoided converse.

Start by getting a really good, easy to maintain cut and colour.
Then buy three new tops in summery colours. There are some gorgeous candy striped big shirts around right now, some silky blouses, broderie anglaise and some cool tee shirts. Maybe a couple of summer dresses too. Zero effort but they look like a proper outfit.

Find your sunglasses and clean them. Good for school run on sunny days when you haven't done make up.

To get back into make up, work out the one thing that makes the biggest difference and just do that for a few days. Eg Mascara if you have blonde lashes or foundation you have uneven skin tone.

@WinterFoxes so I wear glasses which in turn makes me lazy with makeup. I think even a lipstick would make a huge difference so im going to plough through my makeup bag and pick one of those that I keep saving for 'special occasions'

Have bought a cheap nail colour.

Hair this week.

Body still looks terrible, even a family member commented on my dry skin. Why am I so lazy with body stuff! It's like no one sees it so why bother.

Sounds like a good excuse to buy some bath or shower goodies and a moisturiser. At the cheap end, the Sanex bath oil is lovely and Garnier and Averno do good body moisturiser.

I reckon if you can start to wear colours that suit you it might help .I hope you can get some lovely tops in colours that you like wearing and they could be worn with your trousers. Would it help you if you bear in mind that you never know when you will meet your next partner. You could meet him while you are out and about.You might meet him in connection with the job you do.

Hmm. I think it's worth really bothering to answer that question. Why are you so lazy with body stuff? When I am it is always a symptom of low grade depression and lack of self-compassion. At root, you feel you don't deserve to be well-maintained, so stop bothering. I had a little mantra when I used to get depressed, which was 'You don't have to want to, you just have to do it.' It applied to cleaning off make up and cleaning teeth at night, daily shower, regular hair wash, and putting on moisturiser and a bit of make up and clean nice clothes first thing. At night, a very quick shower, face cleanse, moisturise and cleaning teeth can take no longer than 15 mins but you feel so much better. In the morning, it's possible to do hair, skin care and very basic make up in as little as 5 mins but it makes a massive difference. Even just a bit of lippy, perfume and brushing hair and teeth for 30 seconds each is better than nothing.

@WinterFoxes lack of self compassion nails it, i don't feel I deserve to be visible unless when I'm in a relationship. I'm not sure why....

At office, really made an effort and looked good. Definitely faking it but hair has made a big difference. The only thing I didn't have time for was nails plus I couldn't find decent shoes so opted for trainers.

I'm so glad you felt you looked good at the office. Good trainers are fine. If those are the shoes you look good in, just find a couple of pairs that work with several outfits.

I bought navy trousers this year and have been wearing them with blue and white striped boyfriend shirt (loads around this year, also loads in pink stripes or mint green if those colours are better for you.)Or with a broderie anglaise shirt in white and royal blue, with a cream linen jacket over the top. Or with tee shirts and a fine knit long cardigan over the top.

Here's a linen blazer if you fancy something fairly classic. Linen blazer link

Here's another that goes up to size 24 and is gorgeous and very good value.

I had very bad depression a few years ago and now take time to wash my face at bedtime, use oils, expensive toners, fancy moisturisers, epilate my legs. I like feeling that I have the headspace to do these things just for me and that I feel I deserve them. I'm with you on the body moisturiser though, why is it such a chore!

Can I suggest a very nice hand cream (L'occitane shea butter is lovely) and a cuticle oil. Cuticle oils are so good at making negleted hands and nails look better almost instantly.

For the jacket I would recommend a short trench coat, or a chore jacket which seem to be very on trend at the moment but are also a classic so win win!

@Blarn which cuticle oil do you recommend? I tried a cheap one from Superdrug. It smelled gorgeous but I couldn't see any improvement. Maybe I wasn't applying it properly.

I have one from Cutex. I put it on about 3 times a day although now I think about it the oil has a horrible taste so maybe its mostly stopping me nibbling the skin around my nails!

Actually my hands seem to get neglected - when i was in a relationship, i got my nails done regularly. But i have lots of hand cream which sits unused in my cupboard! I shall put in my bag.

@WinterFoxes thank you for the blazer link - i think im looking for something slightly more fitted as im an apple shape. I got one from H&M but will return as its a bit loose.