Something better than a hoodie for home school teen

[VeryNiceDay]

Hi,

I wondered if anybody might know what the more respectable equivalent of a hoodie and jogging trousers is for a 14 year old?

My son is home schooling with a council EOTAS package but we have to do lots of going out to get him practise at socialising again. I've noticed that when we meet men that we don't know at church teas, they tend to address him with a sort of talkin-to-the-lads street-style speech, which they are putting on to try and meet him half way. I think it might be because he has a hoodie on.

DS is not that sort of lad, and is a nervous intellectual type. He has no idea of what to say or do when the men address him like that.

I thought maybe I should get him some slightly more upmarket clothes so he looks as though he is naice middle class (which he is), but I'm not sure what that would be. He is ASD and likes very comfy clothes that don't itch or dig in, which is why he is wearing jersey fabric.

I wondered if he ought to wear a shirt like an office shirt, with maybe a jumper over it, when it's cold, or without, when it's warm? Or if something like a rugby shirt would be better?

I have no idea really because we only saw his friends in school uniform so I don't know what they wear outside of school.

I just wondered if you might have any ideas?

He's slim and about 5'8". We live in a south east university town which is heaving with posh public school kids.

Thanks!

Is this real?! His current outfit of choice is not coded middle class enough and that’s causing problems for him? Why not look at what the posh boys in town are wearing and copy that.

I think he should stick with the hoodies if that is what he wants to wear. Kids of all backgrounds tend to wear the same thing these days. Definite no to office shirts and rugby tops. If he wants a change my ds likes jersey jumpers with designs on them which would be as comfy as hoodies but a little bit smarter he wears them with baggy jeans.

Most of the teenagers in my naice middle class town wear hoodies and joggers. They also try to use London slang which doesn’t work very well when you’ve got a posh accent!

What the actual f? He should wear what he feels comfortable in. If he wants a shirt he could go for a flannel plaid or something soft but absolutely no need, it’s the church types who need their minds broadening not your son’s on this one.

How about a sweatshirt.
Which is just a hoodie - without the hood.

A shirt and jumper was what the young interns used to wear at the think tank I worked at a few years ago.
If your DS needs soft fabrics, you could try a polo rather than a T-shirt, and a soft cardigan over the top with chinos or cords. Or a Shacket - I’m sure I’ve seen them made from jersey rather than twill.
Id guess your issue is going to be where to source these if he’s not in men’s sizes yet- maybe John Lewis or H&M. Possibly Uniqlo.

He’s 14 and you are thinking shirt and jumper ?? 😬
maybe when you are having a walk round, see what lads his age are wearing / see what he fancies wearing ?

Hollister is a good place to source something like a shacket. Zara often has reasonable sweatshirts or jumpers.

I can confirm that private and public school boys like hoodies and joggers too.

The adults will probably be talking to him like they are “down with the youth” because your son is young and they think that he’ll appreciate a chilled approach. I assume that thes unknown men at church teas are closer to your age than his because you said men rather than “young men”

A well fitted polo shirt can look smart, be fashionable and be soft.

Oh goodness - what a puzzling problem to wrestle with.

The weather’s getting better, so a hoodie is likely to be too warm soon anyway. I don’t think my experience of shopping for teens a decade ago will be much use in terms of sources - but I’d say a rugby shirt or maybe a polo shirt on warmer days might discourage the faux street talk. (Must be awful to be on the receiving end of that nonsense!)

And jeans, chinos, shorts - whichever he finds most acceptable.

Actually, I recall on another thread a poster finding her teens aspiring to a particular brand of loose, baggy, pyjama like garments, with a stripe down the side of the leg. Someone else will know!

(The ridiculous thing is that all our family young, and their mates, at that age wore the ugliest possible raggedy sweats, whenever released from their public school uniform …)

Thanks for all this helpful advice. I appreciate it.

@Snorlaxo yes “down with the youth” is exactly what they are trying to be. These men seems to feel that they have to do a mild form of toxic masculinity in order to communicate with DS. DS is perplexed, because he's really not like that.

He's having to say things like "yes I did make the shortbread myself, is that a problem?" and "Yes I will help with your church DIY, but would you please stop being awful?"

It takes a while before the older men stop trying to pretend that they are teenagers.

I really like the Shacket idea. That looks really good. I will try to find out if there is an option that he would like and will look up the brands mentioned.

btw, sorry, I know it probably sounds excruciatingly twee that we are going to church teas, but we are. It's just what there is. Being at home on a school day makes the socialising options a bit limited.

On the plus side, we get to look in the church electrics cupboard, reprogramme the spire clock from an LED screen, and hack down massive ivy plants that are taking over, so it is quite good. We also see an eastern european orthodox church service happening in a CofE church, which is properly cool. All the incense and embroidered robes and gold paintings and stuff...

Thank you very much.

DS2 is at 6th form now but he was home educated before that. He doesn't like the stiffness of jeans. He likes the slim cotton cargo joggers from H&M and often wears them with a check flannel shirt and a T-shirt underneath.

@HoxtHun

https://tomstrunks.com

I got into trouble for gently taking the piss out of my notanephew for wanting to wear a tea-towel when he got these. His father was not impressed with me.

I still think they look ridiculous.

Teen still speaks to me. I am cool not-auntie. Except obvs for my taste in trousers!!

and @VeryNiceDay the teen above and all his mates wear wall to wall jeans, hoodies, sometimes a cotton shirt of it’s warm and “vintage” fleeces including one of mine. I wore a lot of outdoor gear at Uni and he fell in love with my 1990s apple green fleece.

i’m pretty sure he has one of these in blue stripes.

www.uniqlo.com/uk/en/products/E474508-000/00?colorDisplayCode=52&sizeDisplayCode=004

Your son could keep wearing what he usually wears, but add something quirky. The people who want to pigeonhole him will be taken aback and actually talk to him to find out what gives.

That works for my daughter's best friend. He has the problem that people are scared of him because of his tough-guy fashion choices combined with the fact he is very tall for his age. He gets a much better reaction when he wears a Lilo & Stitch baseball cap or a rainbow unicorn rucksack.

My kids at international/ public schools lived in their hoodies &:those pj like pants sold In Uniqlo.
I'm my experience the more well off the family the scruffier the teen. I would let your son wear exactly what he wants to be honest.Theres nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable, especially when you're 14 &:at that awkward age. Can you take him shopping to pick his own clothes? Mine were surprisingly fussy & liked to pick their own clothes while I stood there & paid. Alternatively vintage stores are very popular amongst the teens these days. Please don't dress him in stiff adult clothes.
Personally I would also be very wary of the type of men at church teas.But then again that's me & my experience of a church youth club.

My son wears plain polo shirts from Primark. In the winter he wears long sleevee tshirts underneath. Hw has a collection of hoodies but they are all zip-up ones that he doesn't zip up, so they are a bit less "hoodie". He also wears track pants but never in grey. He has various shades (navy, dark green etc). He also wears a normal coat rather than a black puffa. He goes to a typical diverse London comp where there are genuine roadmen / gang stuff, and doesn't want to be perceived as one of them if stopped for his phone etc.

You’re joking right?

my highly intelligent socially awkward son with ASD lives in hoodies and tracksuits and no one addresses him any other way than they address anyone else.

the problem is not with your DS. It’s with ignorant fuckers who stereotype.

the best social teaching you can give your da is to address people back politely and correctly verbally rather than changing how he dresses.

If you are in a university town, I bet there is a big home schooling community you perhaps might not be aware of. They tend to have lots of opportunities to meet up.
I wonder if you give us a clue , we can help you find stuff?

Mine wore jeans at that age and groovy t shirts.

@VeryNiceDay not the point of your thread but does your son not go to any home schooling social groups?
There are loads around these days.
There must be other places he can socialise in other than your church.
(and you don't need to be in a university town as suggested above or even a city - even in small towns there are groups)

"He's having to say things like "yes I did make the shortbread myself, is that a problem?" and "Yes I will help with your church DIY, but would you please stop being awful?""

Really? If that's real, I can see why he needs guidance with his social skills if you think that's reasonable! 😂

Anyway, back to the coding. Most of the naice middle class boys I know (lots, my kids are and they also row which means all their friends are too) wear joggers and hoodies, or Cambridge style trousers for casual with a jumper. Rugby shirts etc sometimes, polo shirts. They've just gone off to mufti in variants of that.

For smarter, I would say maybe a long sleeved polo with jeans, the latter can be quite soft if you look around. Abercrombie tends to be good for tall, slim types. That's the only place I can get jeans for my nearly 13 yr old the same height as yours. Working around sensory issues can be hard.

Long term, what are your plans for daytime activities with a wider range of people? That said, surely the people he sees regularly at church will soon get to know him whatever he wears?

From my experience of home ed there were fewer teens but an increasing number, so I'm sure there will be loads of groups if you scratch the surface.

Why not let him carry on deciding for himself what he wants to wear instead of micromanaging and controlling him?

quarter zips, they are jersey the same fabric as hoody’s

Why would you want your son to be around people who you think are being horrible to him?

A hoody is fine and as middle class as they come if that’s your priority.