Where to even start…

[Hereslookinatyoukid]

Inspired by @Lookingoldandugly ’s thread. I’m the same age. I’m overweight (probably not quite at the criteria for mounjaro but overweight and carrying it badly now). Two little kids and getting so little sleep for the last few years that sometimes I think I’m walking through treacle. My skin is both aging (luckily only the odd wrinkle) and having a second adolescence with breakouts most of the time. Diet is bad, I drink quite a bit of water, but too much caffeine too. My wardrobe has dwindled to things that mainly cover me up. I have a nice handbag, a nice coat and a couple of pairs of decent trainers. My hair is mid length - I look ridiculous with shorter and have no time for longer - but it only ever looks ok. When I’ve straightened my hair and put on some make-up and am wearing clothes that at least aren’t too bobbly, I guess I look ok if a little scruffy and overweight.

Where would you start? Money is not infinite but I could spend some if it would help. Time is very short, energy to make an effort is pretty much gone.

Just make a start somewhere and keep going. It really is a virtuous circle - you’ll feel better and be inspired to keep it going.

Ideas for tomorrow morning which will only take a few minutes (pick one as a starting point!):

• file and paint your nails
• put a little thought into your outfit - choose something you feel good in and build an outfit around it
• wear perfume
• wash/blow dry your hair
• put on some red lipstick (instant mood boost!)
• put on some sunglasses - it helps!

Hopefully if you start small it’s manageable and you can keep it going. Spend a little money on something you’ll get good use out of - a new pair of jeans for example, or a spring jacket. ‘Special’ items are all very well but you need to feel better every day so focus on improving the basics first.

You deserve to feel good about yourself. So start prioritising yourself a little.

I’d start by deciding (how) to re-arrange your 24 hours. If time is always short you’re never going to feel your best. What help and support do you have - and can you engineer more? If none - you really need to look at that.

Spend some of your not infinite money on outsourcing whatever you can - so you have time to find a good hairdresser, eat more considered meals, go for the odd facial and re-assess your wardrobe. There are a million threads here on current styles and sources.

Do facials really work @TheGlamour? I can sort of see finding time for one restful relaxing thing, even semi-regularly. Maybe as a reward for having done a bit better with the basics.

@MakemineaGandT - thank you for that list, it is helpful!

Depends what you mean by ‘work’. Those reputed to make a miraculous difference after one treatment seem to cost a week’s salary. Of those at a more approachable price most should at least de-puff and sculpt a bit and add a glow to your face for at least a few days. And over time, if done regularly, improve the appearance of your skin and help with any ongoing issues. I can’t say which particular facial would ‘work’ best for you - maybe get a recommendation from your glowiest friend?

Also I used to find odd bits of advice, skill and free samples passed on by the facialist rather useful. (I must start going again!) The other thing is that just having the treatment - someone with qualifications and training paying attention to your face - makes the concept of caring for your appearance seem important - and motivates you to give yourself that attention at home.

Start by losing the weight. Then you can buy anything to wear, your skin will improve and you will feel more confident which will show in your posture, your demeanour etc.

I would start with something that you enjoy. Personally, I find nail painting demoralising and stressful. I'm bad at it and it chips no matter what I do in 20 mins. Facials also seem like torture. Using nice hand cream though, I like that, and I can maybe sit and make a Pinterest board for a spring wardrobe

But, @Chuchoter there are millions and millions of overweight people with beautiful glowing skin. Being fat doesn’t necessarily mean having bad skin.

On the other hand taking control of your diet has obvious health benefits and may improve the OP’s wellbeing in all sorts of ways, including losing weight.

So, @Hereslookinatyoukid how did today go?!

Thanks everyone, some good advice. I think the weight might make the biggest difference @Chuchoter but I stumble around from sugar high to sugar crash currently. I know what healthy looks like, I actually like it -but fundamentally my habits are broken along with my sleep. I think you are right though. I might dare to set myself a goal there and start to see how many days a week I can manage not to scarf chocolate or other calorie-dense nutrient-poor food. Finding some way back into exercise should help too.

Today @MakemineaGandT was a scruffy day…. But. I got myself a lovely lush rose face mask and used a bit in the middle of bedtime chaos. It’s a start. I have ordered some nail polish too.

Such a pompous response. No one with small children has time to paint their nails and let them dry. Red lipstick categorically does not suit everyone. I love sunglasses as much if not more than the next person, but not in February.
OP you absolutely can make yourself feel better. Start with something more attainable, a lovely foamy bath? Lose weight if you want to & start thinking about you and what you want.

Well what a needlessly unpleasant reply to someone trying to think of quick and inexpensive ways to boost self esteem and image, which is what the OP asked for.

I’m going to thank you @luckylavender, because I think you were trying to be kind to me, and yes I do think the nail polish may be more aspirational than reality, although I’m going to give it a go. You are right that actually I’m at the stage where even getting a shower (bath!!!) on the day I need it is a major achievement.

But I must also defend @MakemineaGandT who I think both intended to be, and was, kind and helpful. I think that the idea of picking off easier bits and taking little steps is exactly where I am. Much as my need to lose 3-4st may be the priority overall, actually a bit of lipstick (or in my case tinted balm), trying to think about the odd accessory, and maybe treat myself to a good everyday wardrobe item that isn’t leggings.

@Thekaral - solidarity. Sleep - it’s like a drug, right? I definitely tried harder to drink more water during the day today and maybe felt a little better for it.

Wow. So rude.

NB. I didn’t find anything in @MakemineaGandT‘s reply at all pompous. It was lovely!!

Thanks @Hereslookinatyoukid - and I’m not offended by @luckylavender - she has a point (even if rather abruptly expressed!) that painting nails is tricky with little ones around! But it was just an idea, from a list of suggestions (not commandments!).
You’re at a very tricky stage OP, looking after little ones, and feeling/looking stylish goes out of the window for most people for a few years, unless they’re lucky enough to have lots of money and help. But don’t worry, it’s a stage that passes like everything else. My children are all teenagers now, and at last I have time (and more money) to spend on myself again. It’s fun to rediscover a sense of style etc.
Don’t be hard on yourself - I’m sure you’re doing a great job and I bet you look lovely 🥰. But don’t feel guilty about wanting a bit more for you.

So kind @MakemineaGandT. I know in a few years this will be the past and I may even miss it. Like you kind of miss the madness of the newborn haze.

I am going to try to pick just a few things, and I like the idea of a facial. It must be achievable one way or another.

How old are your children and how much sleep are you getting?

Until you can get a reliable nightly sleep, everything else is just plastering over a deep crack.

I feel you. I have two young kids, one ND, and I'm exhausted all the time. I think it's just a few tough years while they are small but it does feel like forever sometimes.

Time is a big factor, the things that would be an instant feel good like hairdressers or salon to have nails done, eyelashes etc require child free time, which I have not.

Things I do which I can fit in

• mindset mentor podcast for mental health whilst I get ready in the morning
• skincare routine
• silk pillow (white to ensure I don't sleep in makeup and end up staining them)
• collagen powder in morning coffee
• biotin, iron, vit d tablets daily
• practicing gratitude (really helps me)
• wear perfume everyday
• wear jewellery even if it's just one piece
• File and paint nails (dior nail glow dries in minutes and give a French manicure effect)

Most importantly be kind to yourself, the way we speak to ourselves is important too.

Do you have an en suite and a family bathroom? One simple but effective thing I did was to move my nail stuff & some of my other beauty products from the en suite to the family bathroom & then I could use them whilst the children were playing in the bath. My two loved bathtime and wanted to play for ages but I always felt it was slightly dead time sat there watching them & unable to leave the room. 3 or 4 nights I week I'd be sat there staring into space in an exhausted semi coma but, once a week or so, I'd summon up the energy to do my nails (no painting but file & buff) or properly cleanse my face or something.

So far, so good today. I’ve mostly drunk water instead of tea, I’ve had an early lunch which (whilst not entirely healthy) included a big bowl of salad, another glass of water, and will stop me grabbing food when out with the small ones later or finding chocolate.

Despite it not being a work day I have straightened my hair, put makeup on and chosen a brightly coloured (not scruffy) scarf. It does help a bit. I think my skin looks slightly less awful after the face mask too 🤞 I’m thinking about a facial. And possibly even talking to our dentist about teeth whitening.

One is 4 but has some additional needs, one is 1. Neither sleep although we are trying some different approaches with the younger one. I’m very rarely getting more than 5-6 hours, and usually not in decent stretches. I do know this is why I am wrecked! 🫠

Thanks @roselilylavender @psuedocream3 - there’s some really good tips. We don’t have an en suite, but maybe I can pick something to do while the kids are in the bath, and make it happen. And yes things like perfume and the lipstick and sunglasses mentioned by @MakemineaGandT are achieveable.

I also have small non-sleeping children, so I hugely sympathise - sleep deprivation does make you feel scruffy, even if you look fine to others.

I've tried Glaize nails the last few weeks, which are like stickers made of gel (???) and they're loads quicker than nail polish, and last longer looking really good. They've made me feel really put together and just a bit happier as I've chosen colours than make me smile. You can PM me for a £5 off code if you fancy trying them.

@Hereslookinatyoukid

What is upsetting you most?
Skin
Diet & weight
Clothes
Or overall appearance

I'd pick one and then go from there.

Say clothes for example.
Pull all your clothes out and dump them out on your bed - send DC away for an afternoon with DH so you get a chance to do this uninterrupted.
Or do this category by category (all dresses / all leggings / all tops) when DC are in bed.
Charity bag anything that doesn't fit, not flattering, or that is scruffy. (Only keep a few old bits for messy jobs - 1 or 2 outfits only)
Take the stuff immediately to the charity shop or donate.
Then work with what you have left and build a capsule wardrobe around the core quality basics you have. Keep it simple.
Loads of stylish people dress really simply.
It doesn't need to be expensive.
Look after your clothes, wash and iron then - avoid the tumble if possible.
An ironed t-shirt will look hugely better than one misshaped and creased.
Does that help?
What do you normally wear?