I feel like a frump

[MssMuffett]

I’m overweight (have started exercising) but have a newborn so should be kinder to myself. But I still hate the way I look, I have no sense of style and need a capsule wardrobe that’s maternity pay budget and breastfeeding friendly. I just don’t know where to start. I had been so preoccupied with having a family, ttc for years and years, then with my older one and now baby, I l feel like I don’t even recognise myself anymore.

How many/what items in a capsule wardrobe? Where to shop in your early 40s? Even what trainers to wear? Some other basic staples. Please help me, I feel lost.

List the things you would like to change and go at your own pace, don't try to do them all at once.
Mine frame- I will get there, it will take time!
Weight- calorie deficit, exercise- one day at a time.
Fashion- try vinted, tho I don't think any one feels good in anything if the mind frame isn't right x

Weight loss is more about diet than exercise(although I went 7 days a week for 6 months and lost weight). However, exercise will tone you, it also helps with posture.

As for clothes, I don't shop in specific shops. You need to think about what style you like. I've always been a bit of a Rock Chick, except during my frumpy phase, and in the summer I have a bit of a preppy vibe going on.

Find a good pair of jeans, some good basic tshirts (I get them from Primark and at £2.50/3.00 they're hardly going to break the bank). I think trainers are a very personal choice you need to decide which ones you like on you. I like Puma Suede(as they don't make my big feet look huge), but I'm in a minority as loads of people like Addidas Gazelles (which I hate) and New Balance or Nike Air Force 1.

Good luck.

First of all, change the attitude. That’s a big part of it. You’re an attractive woman who is bigger than before because you created life! Twice! Own it.

Then have a think about what clothes you do like wearing. Sometimes I look at shops online and see what the models are wearing. Often it’s a no haha. But I might get some ideas. Were you a jeans and tshirt person? Get some fresh ones in your true size.

I’m yet to meet the mum of young kids who feels great. We all feel this way.

Not sure if this is a great tip, but because I didn’t have time to style my hair or do makeup, I just put it on “maintain”. So, instead of applying foundation, I religiously put on moisturiser, and because my hair went unwashed, I put conditioner on the ends and put it up.

May not be what you are looking for, but after ages of doing this I remember getting in a lift with a neighbour with my hair down and they said OMG look at your skin and hair, it’s amazing.

I’d inadvertently improved the condition of my skin and hair by leaving it alone and just moisturising it.

I think if I were you I would invest some time in looking for:

Beyond Nine clothing

on Vinted or your preferred pre-owned sites. They have exactly the clothes you’ll need for this stage of your life - but pre-owned prices would be easier.

When my two were babies I went for a boho vibe - autumn colours, boot flare jeans and flowy tops with ankle boots in winter and mule type sandals or trainers in summer.. Dressed up with necklaces and scarves. A relaxed leather jacket in a neutral tone goes well with this look too. Vinted is great for finding stuff that's a bit different.

I like Adidas Bold gazelles and you can get these on Vinted. I live in platform Dr Martens in the winter as I’m short and they give a bit of height 🤣

I’d say a necessity is:

• Jeans that actually fit you at the size you are now; the right leg length and not squeezing into a pair that are too tight. Think about what style you like - straight, wide leg, boyfriend. I love M & S - it’s worth going and trying some on. You can always get more if you do lose weight. I have my fave pair in a 10 and a 12 depending on how bloated I am that day 🤣
• I found Lucy and yak trousers and dungarees a god send with a baby! I like colourful clothes but you can also get neutral ones, again look on Vinted.
• some basic short and long sleeve t-shirts for layering - Primark, H&M, Uniqlo.
• a light chore style jacket, denim or khaki
• cardigan - look up sezane for the style I mean but you can get them in Tu Sainsburys for a lot less.
• jumper in a colour you like - try and get some wool content if you can - Vinted will have so many!
• a dress - again depending what you like, Tu Sainsburys always has nice ones lately.

Jewellery always makes me feel more together - earrings or a necklace, or both. Gold or silver depending on your preference.

I can't advise on fashion being deeply unfashionable though I have recently bought several sweaters and long sleeve T shirts from Uniqlo which are great for layering and keeping warm. I also bought these fleece lined trousers - I can't remember when I last felt so excited about an item of clothing, but they are so soft and fleecy and warm in this cold weather I just bought a second pair. They've got a good sale on just now.
I like FitFlop trainers - very comfortable.

Re weight - it is difficult to diet when breastfeeding. Exercise absolutely does help with weight loss as well as improving overall fitness.
There's plenty of research around how it is more difficult for women to carve out that time for themselves to exercise and maintain fitness.

www.nytimes.com/2024/11/11/well/move/exercise-gender-gap-caregiving.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare&tgrp=ctr&pvid=DBD36311-7EC3-49A7-BDD0-487D8608C968

I bought a bike last September having not cycled for twenty years and now have a ten mile route I do two or three times a week. It has really helped with getting fitter and losing weight.
But I have reflected on why I have been able to do this:

1. Time: My children are adult, I dropped a couple of days from work and now only work three days a week meaning I can generally exercise four times a week. With a baby and an eleven year old finding time will be a challenge for you. Think about how you can do this, get your partner involved to free you up for an hour or so regularly.
2. For cycling (and walking) I live in a lovely country area, not too hilly so it is enjoyable. I wouldn't be cycling if I lived in the town I work in, far too many steep hills and too much traffic. It's definitely more difficult if you don't live in an area conducive to outdoor exercise.

Maybe you could get an exercise bike at home? Also there are lots of online classes to cover a range of activities like yoga and home fitness routines. Maybe look at Joe Wicks YouTube.

Try to go for a good walk every day while your 11 year old is at school. Baby either in buggy or backpack.

Also I keep saying to my husband "why did I let myself get so overweight?" It would have been so much easier to nip it in the bud. When those jeans are too tight cut back until they are comfortable again rather than going up a size. So you are doing the right thing by looking to address it now, form habits to keep going.

Kitchen scales have also been my friend - weighing portions - 150 or 200 gms of rice/pasta etc looks so little compared to what my daughter's pile on their plates (and I used to) but it really is enough! And try not to snack.
I have a sister who has always been tiny. She eats whatever she likes but only small portions. And never has seconds. She's always done this.

Good luck OP. Enjoy maternity leave and your baby.

Slightly off topic, but you're right, you should be kinder to yourself. Having small children is so mind-bendingly difficult! You can just reclaim yourself, and rebuild your identity slowly, bit by bit. Give yourself time. And your kids are an extra reason to speak kindly to yourself and take a few selfish moments - they need you as psychologically fit as possible. No self-berating. Treat yourself as you would a beloved friend who deserves gentleness, no matter how pillow-like her tummy is today.
Also, I second Vinted and finding key brands. For me, Whistles, Oliver Bonas, Anthropologie, bit of Zara, Me+Em, John Lewis for staples, Hush.

I struggle with buying from Vinted as I’ve been living in maternity and leggings and I’m not even sure what size I am anymore. But I think this is good advice - the list. I’m a list person and might see progress that way. Thank you

Thank you, I do need to think about the calorie intake ill start tracking, hopefully that will help and up what I’m drinking.

Thanks - very good point about clothes in my current size instead of squeezing in pre preg things, I just want to throw everything away but not sure that’s wise when I’m having a midlife crisis

What a confidence boost! I’ll try this, had been doing it with oil on my hair. I really need to find a good eye cream, will put that top of my list. You’re right too, I think we all feel like that when your body goes through so much.

Get a fabric tape measure and do boob or bust for accurate bra size then go to brastop.com and order some bras

Order some clothes of what you normally wear just in yout currenf clothes. Make sure you have nice lounging outfit or pjs.
Trainers are surely down to your feet and what suits them.
Don't go for cheap clothes, buy in your normal budget. I don't recommend vinted for someone not feeling good about their body and body is changing because of returns policy it ends up a false economy.

Don't try new styles, just get what fits now. In winter all people see is yout coat and footwear anyway.

And when you order clothes check their own sizing measurements.

Thank you, this is very helpful, I’ve got Monday to myself with the baby so will take this shopping list. Also in sizes that actually fit!

I am in the same boat as you and currently enjoying wearing to death what I like to call the sloppy ski look.

its basically leggings (high quality, flattering, some muted prints - no old black cotton / baggy at knees numbers) with a big sloppy jumper or hoodie (varies from oversize topshop ones to oversize nike ones, also have a couple from Dope ski), slouchy socks over the leggings, beanie hat, adidas gazelles or vivibarefoot trainers or chunky suede sorel ankle boots. Now it’s cold I also wear an oversize fleece from Dickies / passenger / topshop over the top. Thermal top underneath everything. relaxed look on the top, fitted on the bottoms. I’ve put weight on my top but still fairly happy with how my legs look and this look is flattering for me plus it’s super comfy for chasing after kids in.

no advice for a smarter / more polished outfit 😂😩

Thank you! I have a toddler, the years ttc were before they came along. In my mind I’m fat too young to have an 11 year old, although I’m not 🙈
I do work full time and long hours but part of it is wfh, I have signed up to some group classes, one in the evening with some friends and a mummy and baby one. I live somewhere semi rural so can take the dog out for a walk when the big one is at nursery. I just really want to work on healthy habits now and be a good role model to my children. I never saw my parents exercise, I want my children to see it as something I value, so they do too.
I do find with breastfeeding i’m always hungry, but I’m probably very dehydrated too. I need to calorie count. I’m very lucky that my husband does all the cooking as I do all the childcare, but he would pile my plate up so I asked him to give me a side plate instead, although it’s probably not enough of a change.

Thank you ❤️

I definitely need new bras and think that would help to change the appearance of my shape and make me feel better, so will do that. Would love a reduction when I’m happy with my weight too.

Where would you recommend for leggings? I’d get to wear them a little longer if I lost weight too so could try that whilst I’m still losing my pregnancy weight. Rather than jeans that fit now - but hopefully not for long! I’m not particularly happy with any of my body right now, but at least they’d feel comfy. Although my mum always warned against them as you don’t notice your weight creeping up.

I've just had my second baby and I'd just say don't invest too much until you're sure your natural weight loss from breastfeeding has slowed down. You burn so many calories keeping your baby alive!

When my first was about a year old and I'd just stopped breastfeeding, I really felt I had no idea how to dress for my new shape and I was really sad about it - my boobs had shrunk down to nothing and I didn't have a single bra that looked right - so I booked a free personal styling appointment at John Lewis and it was fantastic! Really made me feel good about myself. I got some new bras, two pairs of well fitting jeans, a couple of dresses and pair of trainers.

https://tlcsport.co.uk

The leggings from this place are really good specially the ones that go high up the tummy. They support my varicose veins so my legs feel less tired, they help with my lower back pain..i had major weight loss and so much loose skin but when i tell you they hold me in, nothing wobbles when I walk (maximum strength lycra ones as they do different holding in/support levels) they are so good i have 8 pairs and getting more....but read the description and their sizing properly. They are so practical and versatile great for walks in the park or bending and sitting down with baby at playgroups or even just at home.

I know what you mean about comfy clothes but you can still stay focused on your goal of weight loss while looking good. Feeling jeans pinching motivates some people but isn't the only way, like I would feel my bra pinching and overspilling even if I dressed loosely and if you measure yourself with tape every couple of weeks you will know.. we all know when it's hormonal or takeaway bloating versus genuine gain no need to 'suffer' while we lose weight.

Any nice clothes you get now that become too big could be resold later. I breastfed for years and I didn't lose weight until I stopped so it could take longer to lose the weight, it's worth looking and feeling good now. You are so worth it at any weight.

@MssMuffett id recommend the “Sinophant” leggings on amazon - cheap yet sooo soft and comfortable around the tummy!
l’m in a similar rut and have just replaced my old leggings with these. I rarely wear jeans even when my usual size!
I think it’s good to buy outfits - e.g if you buy navy leggings, think of what will go with it - navy fleece or sweater? And buy that.
how would you describe your pre baby style? Rock/smart/athleiaure? Take a look on instagram and find some looks that you like for inspiration!

Top tip would be drink enough water. You said you're breast feeding. This means you need LOADS!. If you're feeding over night (I don't know how old the baby is). Take two glasses of water to bed and drink them over night. Drink a glass every time you feed the baby.

Some flattering jeans (wide leg if they suit). I like over sized shirts for early days post baby.