Help me look better please! Early/mid 40s 🙏🏻

[AnonyMouse80]

A cry for help.

I’m an older mum, little boy about to turn 3, and I feel like I’ve morphed into a frumpy middle aged woman. I’ve always been very low maintenance, but wore nice dresses (I guess kind of a vintagey look), heels and was slimmer and younger!

Now:

• I don’t wear heels and don’t want to. Boots and trainers more my thing.
• I don’t fit any of my nice clothes and dresses not that practical for running after pre schooler (I still work but mostly WFH)
• My brown hair is very greying, I’ve given up dying and don’t want to go back. It’s going curlier which I like but frizzy which I don’t because it often looks messy. I guess I don’t know what to do with it and I’m rushed. It’s shoulder length.
• I’ve never been great with makeup and could do with a refresh here. Needs to be simple - think fingers and crayons rather than brushes! Base is fine, I use Nars tinted moisturiser and a bobbi brown colour corrector. Rest needs work. I have hooded eyes. Green eyes.
• I think I have the products I need to up my skincare routine it’s just about sticking to it.
• I’m a bit overweight - 72kg and 170cm- hourglass/pear.

I just want to look more put together and like I care about myself and haven’t given up :(

Please don’t tell me to Botox. I can’t justify the money and also it upsets me that we’re forgetting what a normal woman in her 40s and 50s looks like. I want to Kate Winslet or Emma Thompson it through my ageing.

Easy makeup tips?
Simple hair routine for a wavy/frizzy lob?
Style advice? I’m leaning into chunky boots at the moment. I like a vintagey look, but also like the smart/outdoorsy look too which is practical for me right now.

Oh and product/ clothing recommendations need to be high street/ mid range. I don’t have the money to go lux!

Your makeup sounds fine - I'd probably throw in getting my eyebrows done by an actual person every month, because that makes a big difference (to me, anyway - same sort of age).

For your hair, I would be inclined to grow it longer - I always found a lob the hardest to do anything with, whereas now that my hair is growing out (about three inches past my shoulders) it's easier to blowdry with some loose curls, bun/ponytail, half pony with a nice clip etc. I'm not ready to ditch the dye though!! Has your dye grown out completely?

Weight - honestly 72kg is a bit high for your height (same as me). You can lose 10kg without spending a single penny and it will make all the difference and your cute clothes will fit again.

My weight crept up with perimenopause (insomnia meant I was compensating for lost sleep with mars bars), and I got the Noom app and lost it fairly fast once I started HRT and was sleeping properly again. I'm about 57kg now and feel much better at this weight. It was ALL diet.

(I'm quite evangelical about Noom - if you download it, keep refusing to upgrade and it will offer you lower and lower offers. I think I paid about £20 a month, or less, but I only needed it for about 6 months or so. It was very effective.

With your hair, try leaving a dollop of conditioner in it, brush through with fingers when wet and then scrunch it with the towel to help form curls. Then let it dry naturally or low heat with the diffuser

@quoque Thank you. Agreed on the weight. I have been trying to lose it fit years and I really really struggle with diet. I have binge eating tendencies and I also think I have adhd (part way through diagnosis) so struggle with delayed gratification and sticking to routines.

Hair- it was long until recently! It felt like too much maintenance, took forever to wash and dry and I just ended up scraping it back every single day.

I’ve been thinking about getting my eyebrows shaped and lashes tinted and lifted.

Before you buy anything you need to address your health and fitness so that your face and body are the best they will look. Lose weight and get in shape first then you will have a much wider choice of clothing to wear.

Don't give up on yourself and don't make excuses as to why you can't lose weight. You can and you will look and feel great/

I think I do need a few new clothes in the meantime! I feel so scruffy and it’s not helping with my motivation.

I want to feel like I can take pride in how I look now, not just once I’m slimmer. If that makes sense.

@AnonyMouse80 I think that if you don't feel good about your body, spending money on clothes won't help with your self esteem.

You are just a WHISKER away from an unhealthy BMI - which is good! It's not as daunting as it could be by a long shot, and I bet you could lose 10kg or more in 6 - 12 months.

Noom places a lot of emphasis on education and although it was a bit tedious at times, I'm embarrassed to say I learned a lot about where hidden (or not so hidden...) calories are, and you do end up sadly putting the chocolate biscuit back in the packet when you realise it's got as many calories in it as the entire M&S salmon and potato salad! I think it would be a pain if you worked in an office, but WFH means you're making your own lunches at home and then for dinner it's just a matter of less pasta on your plate. Noom will probably give you a target of 1650 calories a day, and you put in all your meals/ingredients as you go and you'll see that dinner and a glass of wine is absolutely fine if you skip the afternoon ice cream treat or whatever.

I do get what you say about ADHD and binge (or in my case, mindless, tired) eating, but I don't think anything else on your list will contribute to your self esteem more easily. Your hair sounds gorgeous, your makeup routine is perfect, and I agree with the boots and trainers over fancy shoes!

Toast + Vinted, then. Toast and Anthropologie have all the nice dresses these days (and sometimes Nobody's Child), but they're £££, but if you know your size then there's loads on Vinted. I got a gorgeous silk velvet Toast dress on there for £40 last week.

I've taken to wearing dresses and leggings. They are very easy to throw on with a cardigan and look halfway decent. Takes the same effort and leggings and t shirt but looks much better.

The dresses I often wear are weirdly from mountain warehouse. Like this sort of thing:
https://www.mountainwarehouse.com/orchid-patterned-womens-uv-dress-p13937.aspx/Berry

I've only recently got into makeup too. I was always put off thinking it takes forever, but I have foundation and a blendy egg thing, concealer for eye bags, blush and mascara. Only takes 5 mins or so and I think looks quite good.

I also have the frizzy grey situation but won't stop dying yet as makes me feel better!

It's so weird how weight differs person to person, one poster saying you should get to 60kg to wear cute clothes.. I'm 80kg at 170cm and I'm slim, just shows how differently shaped we all are.

Just to say, boots and trainers are fine! all my 20 year old students wear them all the time, no-one would be seen dead in heels. So you shouldn't feel frumpy for that.

I would try metal detox on your hair, it calms the frizz
https://www.pampa.co.uk/serie-expert-metal-detox-serum-oil-50ml-by-l-oreal-professionnel?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAu8W6BhC-ARIsACEQoDBhOJntVlJLF6xqNwcp1WNbopFUUVdYaJiFRQ76mipLQ7Gyoq-QwScaAkx3EALw_wcB

Invest in a trip to a really good hairdresser - I think a high percentage of how we feel about ourselves starts with our hair!

Go to a Bobbi Brown counter for a lesson / buy products for a simple 10 minute makeup regime

finally a session with a John Lewis personal stylist will encourage you to try new things

Look at the Charlotte Rich wavy hair method on Facebook, great for wavy hair.
Style me happy colour analysis is worth the money, 40 pounds to help stop wasting money on clothes that don't suit you.

That is definitely true. I'm very flat-chested with narrow hips and carry weight badly because it shows on my tummy instantly but not a single gram of it will go near my boobs, hips or bum, whereas it just vanishes into a lovely silouette on other women. Even 60kg and I start looking round. 😭

@quoque Aw I get you, I've got a wide skeleton/shoulders/hips so get away with it more but never get to feel more petite like you and I've always wanted that, always feel like a massive presence even when skinny! I was anorexic at a size 10. Well done for keeping to that weight, it takes all my discipline to stay at this one!

I'd cut hair into a single length bob, so it's off your shoulders, and encourage the wave. You could consider a few highlights to blend the grey in? I like Hershesons almost everything creme for hair but it's really expensive.

Not sure what an outdoorsy look is, but I'd invest in some black chunky Chelsea boots, some new jeans either wide leg or barrel on a denim that suits you and a nice casual coat or jacket.

A friend of mine a similar size looks great in a padded waistcoat over a long sleeve top and jeans or simple dress - like this sort of thing. Brings her look a bit more up to date.

Waistcoat

Maybe get your colours done as wearing colours and make up that suit will make a huge difference too.

Face wise, get some glowy stuff. I get compliments when I wear Rimmel better than filters primer. I like a glowy blusher too like nars orgasm liquid.

Oh - another easy "fix" is a drop of Tan Luxe into your moisturiser a couple of times a week. Just keeps you looking the way you did in September after a few watery rays of English sunshine hit your face in August, but not "tanned".

Good shout. I look and feel loads better with a bit of fake tan, naturally pale and uninteresting.

I swear by Utan face gradual tan mist. So damn easy to use, very subtle and it actually cleared up breakouts too.

Try an eyebrow mascara. I'm using an Elf one at the moment and will definitely get again. It covers up the couple of white eyebrow hairs I keep getting but just gives them a bit more definition and makes my whole face look better. Cream blush is great too and I thoroughly recommend Beauty Bay's Liquid Blush, they are excellent. On days when I want my eyes a bit more defined I find that using a small brush to push a line of dark eyeshadow along my upper lashes suits me far better than eyeliner now.

I don't think telling op to lose 10kg or more is helpful. She may not need to lose that much to fit back into her clothes, it's a bit eating disorder comment.

Op get clothes to fit you now, you might not lose weight you're older now and life gas changed. Get a basic wardrobe in the sales, go for classics with good quality. I'd just do blush and mascara.
I agree with growing hair out. Use hair masks twice weekly, aussie and palmers coco are good for my curls. I love the loreal gloss treatment in pink bottles.

Grey hair is always aging, you might want to get it blended to ease the transition or accept it of course. Whatever you do dont use dark dye to cover it because it will affect the quality of your hair and trap you in a dye cycle as the greys come in thick and fast.

Make time to work out everyday even if 15 minutes and try to rest as much as you can. These should help indirectly with the binging.

Here’s a photo of the hair so you can see what I’m working with. Definitely a bit fluffy and frizzy today! It’s quite fine, just voluminous.

As you can see I’m well past the growing hair dye out phase.

Your hair looks great! Just needs a bit of spray or serum to tame the flyaways. I love the Lee Stafford shine spray for exactly that