"I don't care what you look like"

[Willowcat77]

I don't usually bang on about my looks and most of my life have felt a bit ambivalent about my appearance and genuinely find it hard to know whether I am pretty, okay-looking or ugly. Recently I have lost a lot of weight due to a mental breakdown and am quite underweight and scrawny. I'm also a bit scruffy because I live in the countryside and never see anyone.

I asked my husband, who I love dearly, whether he thought I should make more effort with my appearance. He hesitated and said carefully "Do you think you should?". This made me feel uneasy so I kept digging and said "Do you think I look shit?". He said "I don't care what you look like, I'll always love you. You'll always look good to *me."

I think I must have been expecting him to say something like"No, you look great/ lovely, whatever, because I felt so shocked by his answer. He is a very honest man so I can only assume he could not bring himself to say I look objectively good/pretty. I now feel really sad and plain and shit about myself. He definitely used to think I looked good in the early years of our relationship.

Am I being ridiculous to feel so sad about this? I feel that there has been a sudden fundamental shift in how I feel about myself and my relationship with my husband. I also feel stupid to feel like this, because the way I look shouldn't feel important, but I really wanted him to say I look objectively nice 🙁

But he can’t be objective though can he. He said you look good to him which means he thinks you look good. I think you’re overthinking it

Those kinds of questions are terrible as there is no good way to answer them.

If they say you look amazing and it's not true they're lying.
If they say you look crap, it's unkind and mean.

I think it is completely lovely that to him you always look lovely. That's all anyone needs I think.

Personally, I know, objectively I don't always look amazing. Currently I'm a bit overweight and also often scruffy as were short of money so wardrobe and grooming standards are relatively low.

But, it depends what you compare me to. I look wholesome and honest. I look kind and friendly. I look like a million dollars compared to someone even worse off than me...
Do I look like a super model? no.
Do I look as good as I did when I was 26 when we first met? Hahaha no.

Does my husband think I'm his and I'm lovely. Yes.

If I was feeling low about myself, maybe I'd be more bothered about my fall from my peak condition... As it is I don't care, I do my best and he loves me and still thinks I'm lovely.

So does your guy.

I think the real trouble here is that you're feeling down. And that is a valid feeling and I'm sure has a proper cause... But whether you are, objectively to any random stranger, a head turner isn't the answer.

He loves you and to him you're lovely. That's great!

Sounds like you've got a good one there.....he was trying to keep you happy!

Sounds like you need to work on your self image though.

You said yourself you look scruffy! Book a blow dry, get dolled up and head out for a nice evening together. I’m sure he’ll be amazed by you once again.

You stop really seeing anyone you live with/see every day after a while - they just look like themselves and you don’t notice changes in the same way you would with people you see now and again.

What you seem to be asking your partner is whether you look objectively pretty even though you admit that you are scruffy and not making an effort. He loves you no matter what, so of course he says you always look good to him. You have a wonderful partner.

Getting older in natural and you're not going to look like you were ten years ago or whatever. If you want to look more 'objectively pretty' then of course you're going to have to put a bit of work in.

I think you set him up to fail - there was no right answer to this! Why not just believe him? He loves you no matter what you look like, because he loves you for yourself not your appearance.

This is one of those whatever he said he couldn't win 😂 Honesly forget what he thinks, will making more effort make you feel better, more confident etc.

I tend to make an effort for a while then stop. So in some ways it's better to not depend on anyone else's approval as you then feel beholden to keeping it up lol.

Just do it if and when you want.

Anyone remember those books from the 70s and 80s ?

"Choose your own adventure"

Dave sat quietly and at ease, sipping his tea, reading the latest news in the local paper. Suddenly, beginning upstairs and following through the house, a great commotion and Barbara burst into the quiet farmhouse kitchen.

"Dave", Barbara said with a flustered and almost annoyed tone, "do you think I should make more effort with my appearance?" She asked...

To Answer:
"Yes, a little make up and nicer clothes would look good on you" -Turn to page 98

to Answer:
"I don't care what you look like, I love you because you're you." - Turn to page 26

Page 26
Barbara storms out of the kitchen and makes a post on an internet Forum about her disappointment at Dave's answer, Dave is slightly confused and feels like he upset his beloved wife without knowing how. A commotion is heard in the gun cabinet...

Page 98
A few days later, Dave wakes up in hospital,
"Ah Dave", the Doctor begins, "you'll be pleased to know we managed to extricate the entire sauce pan from your sphincter, you may have trouble sitting for a month or two..."

🤪

I mess around, I know, it's silly and I shouldn't.
But those questions are always perilous.

Say No, and you don't care and you're this and that.
Say YES, and you don't like how someone looks etc.
Don't commit and you're wrong without even trying.

I'd suggest perhaps, doing things for you.
If you want to dress differently, hot the shops with a friend. Want new hair, salons are plentiful.
Dave, bless his heart, just wants to read the paper.. and avoid having saucepans inserted..

It’s sounds from your post like he’s a nice man. He’s being careful with what he is saying and I assume he’s seen you go through a mental breakdown, and now you’re directly asking him if you look nice or if you should make more of an effort. I can’t imagine it’s easy seeing someone you love go through such a difficult time. He obviously loves you, and doesn’t see much value in cosmetic beauty. Sounds like you may just need to work on your mental health and go from there.

Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong here. He does sound very supportive.
I really dislike being asked to give an opinion unless the person asking can take an honest answer.
I used to work in the beauty industry and if someone asked for my opinion I would give it. I was always honest and objective. Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer.
Also, I really appreciate someone saying ‘Actually, those jeans don’t look great, you would look much better in that charcoal suit and navy blouse.’

Thanks for all of your kind replies, I appreciate it. I don't understand why his response was so upsetting to me, it's so weird. I spent most of the night silently crying and am now totally wrecked. I know how stupid this must sound. The awkward silence and non-answer when I asked him if I objectively looked good was genuinely a shock. I should have known better than to ask, with hindsight it was a stupid, unfair question. Now I can't stop crying and look even worse, so it's a downward spiral. DH thinks this must be all part of my pre-existing mental breakdown.

@Willowcat77 it sounds like you need to exercise a little 'self care'. Why not spend a bit of time this weekend doing something small that makes you feel better about yourself. A long bath, deep condition your hair, take time to put on some moisturiser that smells good to you...

It doesn't need to be big extravagant changes, just something that makes you feel good, I always find I feel better about myself if I have taken the time to tidy up my eyebrows and my face is moisturised, for you it might be a spritz of perfume or your nails being neat and filed or moisturised feet. It's the act of taking the time to do something for yourself, prioritising yourself for those few minutes.

This.

We shouldn't use our partners as therapists to deal with our insecurities. It's a toxic dynamic.

If you feel scruffy, there are myriad ways to address that with clothing, hair styling and makeup.

I think DH has hit the nail on the head there.

Please try not to let yourself get more upset ( I know that is rather like saying learn to fly before you jump off the roof - but you don’t have to jump…).

But he has told you the truth, which is that he will always love you, and his love isn’t rooted in the things that pass away, like physical beauty, but in whatever makes you yourself. That is real love .

‘love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,…..
Love’s not Time’s fool , though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come,
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out, until the edge of Doom’
‘
I Hope you will be better soon.

Your reaction is not because he said an awful thing but because you're feeling vulnerable and raw.

The question was rooted in insecurity and unless you are genuinely beautiful and looking your best the answer could never satisfy because you already have your own opinion on how you look, so it's just a raw nerve waiting to be touched

Your emotions are telling you something. But it's your own point of view you need to attend to.
I think you should care for and love yourself, it will feel good to prioritise yourself and your appearance, we all feel better and worth more when we feel smart and not neglected.

Maybe one thing a week. To up your game on.
Paint your nails
Get a haircut
Wear a nice outfit even if you don't need to, country scruffy doesn't need to be a uniform
Buy a nice outfit if you can afford it.

Next time you're in town, spot someone you would like to emulate and pick something they've done that you can incorporate into your own life.

Maybe it's just time for a new era.

@NunyaBeeswax
Haha! So true!!

@Willowcat77

Improve for yourself if you want to but don't be asking him every 5 minutes what he thinks. Men don't always notice but along with not noticing a new haircut or lipstick hopefully they don't see your lines or spots!

What bit of "you always look good to me" isn't good enough?

I am certain you're overthinking it, he most likely means it genuinely - you look lovely to him. At the end of the day that's all that matters here.

But if you do want to feel better about yourself, what's stopping you from booking into a salon and getting a new hair colour / style, some pieces for your wardrobe, etc.?

I think your reaction to his comment was probably related to your mental breakdown though.

If you were feeling robust and well and confident, you would take the comment at face value. That you're husband's love for you is more than skin deep and that he thinks you look good.

I see what you mean OP. He didn't have to go on and on about how you're more attractive than a super model or anything, but it would have been a chance to give you a little compliment and reply with a simple "you look lovely". (If you kept pushing after that, then it would have been your own fault.) He didn't do that, reminding you of how far in the past the honeymoon stage was - when he would have gone out of his way to compliment you, even if it involved a small white lie.

It could be worse though, at least he said you look lovely to him. My husband would just say no you don't (if I asked him, which I wouldn't).

He tried to say what you wanted to hear, because he loves you and wants you to be happy. You put him in pretty much a no-win situation. Nobody looks at their best when they're scruffy and sloppy - I'm sure I don't look as objectively good to DH when I've got bedhead and am wearing no makeup and my enormous Oodie versus when I'm wearing makeup, a nice shirt, and have my hair freshly cut, because he isn't blind. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me just as much in both scenarios. Don't you still love your spouse just as much when he's wearing scruffy joggers and needs a haircut versus when he's just been to the barber's and is in black tie? You undoubtedly do appreciate him more aesthetically in the latter scenario, because duh, a man in black tie looks a lot better than a man in stained baggy joggers with three days' worth of beard scruff.

You've asked him a question and you don't like the answer. It's not for him to determine whether your appearance is satisfactory, that's down to you.

If you feel scrawny and unkempt and it bothers you, do something about it.
If you're happy, don't!

If he is as honest a man as you say he is, and he's told you you look good to him, then believe him. Don't go down a rabbit hole with this.

If someone I know lost a lot of weight due to a breakdown, I don't think I could tell them they look great, even if they did.
It's like saying "hey, you had a mental breakdown, but at least you lost a lot of weight and look good!"
I'm sure your dh is being sensitive because he'd rather have you well and it doesn't matter to him how you look, because he loves you.

OP, in the nicest possible way, you have been through a terrible time and you are probably not looking your best. I have also been through several horrible times and I can safely say it's when I started to take an interest in my appearance again that my mental health was improving, so it's a very good sign that you are. At the moment I do not look my best, I haven't been taking care of my skin or my hair or even my physical health really so I have lost my glow. When I am looking after myself I often get compliments like I'm looking well, or I have lovely skin. At the moment I do not, and people sometimes say I look tired. Haha I probably look wretched sometimes, I can see it in the mirror myself, and I look years older than I did a few months ago.

Your DH just knows you don't look your best at the moment and he was trying to reassure you that he loves you no matter what. You not looking your best at the moment is no reflection on you whatsoever. You are doing great to have recovered to the extent that you're interested in your appearance again.

I'm trying to lose weight, I'm going through my clothes to see what fits and almost fits and what looks better on me and makes me look and feel better about myself, and I'm trying to get back into my skin routine that had me looking well (Foreo Bear and retinal, nothing complex).

You are very upset now and I don't want to make you feel that you shouldn't be, it's valid. But I am also sure your DH thinks you are beautiful. He loves you.