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Original poster

Please help me politely tell my boyfriend I don’t like his gift.

55 replies

Mumofnarnia · 18/10/2024 15:57

I’m over 40 and going to a function in a couple of weeks.

My boyfriend has decided to buy me a dress as a present to wear for the event which he has ordered online (presumably from shein or similar). It has arrived today, I’ve tried it on and there is no way I’d be seen dead in it! It’s for someone who is 15 to 20 years younger. It’s short, has a large gap in the abdomen area where you can see my stomach (albeit not a toned one) and just looks very tacky in general. I assume it looked ok on the picture online or whatever but I’d just basically look like mutton dressed as lamb. While all the time he’s been telling me he can’t wait to see me in my new dress/ I’ll look beautiful etc.
How do I break it to him that I do not like his present/ wish to wear that god damn awful dress to the event?

OP posts:
bergamotorange · 18/10/2024 16:00

I think just say it briefly but clearly.

It's not my style, I would feel uncomfortable.

I think choosing clothes for others is quite risky, so it's fine to just say.

If he's huffy about it, that's a him problem.

DaisyChain505 · 18/10/2024 16:05

You just have to be honest.

“thank you so much for you thoughtfulness and effort however this dress just really isn’t for me.”

TheOriginalFrench · 18/10/2024 16:07

Tricky …

What was his motivation?

Is he very (overly) invested in your appearance when you go out as a couple? Raised eyebrow and a firm statement that you prefer to choose your own clothes. If he wants a girlfriend who likes that dress he’s free to find one.

Does he think you lack confidence in dressing? Sad face and declaration that planning what to wear is half the fun, so would he mind returning his gift.

It is odd though. If that’s clearly not the way you dress then there’s an element of correction in the gift.

What he does when you refuse it will tell you (if you don’t already know) whether he’s also outright trying to control you. If it’s that - simply end the relationship.

Autumnalchick · 18/10/2024 16:08

Ohhh can we see the dress on the model? Just tell him it was super thoughtful of him but it's not really your style and you want to feel comfortable.

Hatty65 · 18/10/2024 16:10

I'd tell him, 'It was a kind thought, but it's not my taste and it doesn't fit properly. I'll be wearing something else, I'm afraid'.

TheOriginalFrench · 18/10/2024 16:11

Actually, it’s two separate issues, isn’t it?

Do you want him to buy you clothes - but just different clothes?

Or do you dislike having someone else buy you clothes - regardless of the specific merit of the items?

Dearg · 18/10/2024 16:15

Tell him that it is clearly a dress aimed at a younger woman and is not for you. If he wants more info, just say that there is too much flesh on show for the event you are going to.

My DH knows nowadays that him choosing clothes for me never ends well, but we had a few disasters before we got to that point.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 18/10/2024 16:15

Can he return it and you choose something more suitable. Tell him it's a lovely dress, but really too young for you and shows more flesh than you feel comfortable with, say it's great that you think I could carry something like that off, but I'd die of embarrassment. Make it sort of a compliment to how young he thinks you look.

Kierparma · 18/10/2024 16:16

Put it on and ask him if he genuinely thinks you look appropriately dressed for said function.

Original poster
Mumofnarnia · 18/10/2024 16:16

Thank you everyone. Yes I think I’ll go with it doesn’t fit properly and not my style.

@TheOriginalFrench I like to buy my own clothes so I was nervous about him saying he’d bought me something in the first place. I’m not sure if he’s overly invested in my appearance but I don’t really have any confidence issues. I would say that I am very slim and quite attractive and even on my body the dress still shows every bump I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofnarnia · 18/10/2024 16:22

The more I think about it the more I’m actually quite offended that he thinks I would wear it in the first place

OP posts:
Howdidtheydothat · 18/10/2024 16:23

When I was much younger, an older boyfriend bought me an all too revealing outfit. From the conversation we had, he very much knew and wanted me to go out looking that way. Gave me the ick as well as a huge red flag. It made me feel like his slutty dress up doll. He was grim and I see that now.
-If your boyfriend bought the dress in good faith and it looked appropriately lovely online, I would just say to him just doesn’t look good at all nor fits very well and that’s why women usually need to try on and choose their own clothes. Offer to go shopping with him. His new choices may reveal how he thinks/prefers you to dress and then take it from there.
-If he is trying to make your wear revealing clothes because if loves the way you look … slightly better amber flag and he needs a firm steer.
-If he has bought you a shit outfit and wants you to look cheap and easy…. Big red flag ..get out now!

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 16:34

Mumofnarnia · 18/10/2024 16:22

The more I think about it the more I’m actually quite offended that he thinks I would wear it in the first place

Be offended and don’t apologise for it!

It’s very odd - pushy, a bit controlling, and (unless he is deeply stupid and oblivious) very obviously not what you would choose and he knows that. So he’s trying to say ‘I’m going to choose how you dress for this event, and it’s going to reflect my choice for you not your choice’

I’d be pissed off but for me it wouldn’t have got this far as I’d have replied that no, I don’t do having outfits chosen for me thanks, clothing is too personal for a gift. And that would have been that. Unless he was offended at my saying that, in which case he’d have got a swift elbow.

mewkins · 18/10/2024 16:35

I think lots of men don't have a clue. I also hate anyone buying me clothes unless it's something I've chosen. I find it creepy that someone thinks they know me and my style better than me.

Oceanviews · 18/10/2024 16:37

twomanyfrogsinabox · 18/10/2024 16:15

Can he return it and you choose something more suitable. Tell him it's a lovely dress, but really too young for you and shows more flesh than you feel comfortable with, say it's great that you think I could carry something like that off, but I'd die of embarrassment. Make it sort of a compliment to how young he thinks you look.

This is a really good way to say it!

Original poster
Mumofnarnia · 18/10/2024 16:37

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 16:34

Be offended and don’t apologise for it!

It’s very odd - pushy, a bit controlling, and (unless he is deeply stupid and oblivious) very obviously not what you would choose and he knows that. So he’s trying to say ‘I’m going to choose how you dress for this event, and it’s going to reflect my choice for you not your choice’

I’d be pissed off but for me it wouldn’t have got this far as I’d have replied that no, I don’t do having outfits chosen for me thanks, clothing is too personal for a gift. And that would have been that. Unless he was offended at my saying that, in which case he’d have got a swift elbow.

Show quote history

Thank you! Yes that’s kind of how I feel. It only got that far because I didnt know he’d ordered it in the first place as it was supposed to be a ‘surprise’ and he only told me after he’d ordered it as I mentioned going out to buy a dress for the function.

OP posts:
Songbird54321 · 18/10/2024 16:39

Definitely to the point, not rude but clear.
I have been with my partner 12 years and he has never bought me clothes that I haven't asked for and I can't imagine he ever would.
I also don't buy him anything unless he's chosen it.
I hated people buying me clothes as a teenager too, I need to pick my own.
I can't count the number of times I've tried something on to have the person say how great it looks when I have felt uncomfortable in it. Really that is all that matters, how you feel in it.

TheDevilsTelephone · 18/10/2024 16:40

I'd just keep it lighthearted, "It was a lovely thought, thank you, but it looks bloody awful on me and really isn't my style, so I'll have to send it back."

ForPearlViper · 18/10/2024 16:40

I might be inclined to wait until it is too late to return it, do something to one of the seams and say what a shame it is faulty. I don't necessarily think it's inappropriateness is a deal breaker. Some men (and indeed women) have no clue. He might just have thought you'd look lovely in the colour without taking much notice of the rest of it.

However, that doesn't address the issue of him buying you clothes which is clearly to be discouraged. You could drag him around a large shopping mall for a full day looking at every item, trying on many dresses and critiquing every item. That should nip it in the bud.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 18/10/2024 16:42

I wouldn't be sugar-coating it at all. Tell him thanks for the gift, but the dress is not your style and you like to shop for your own clothes. So what if he gets the hump - if you don't nip this in the bud now you're going to get hideous jumpers and questionable garments for eternity.

Dotto · 18/10/2024 16:42

No, I don't think you have to be polite. He's objectified you and bought it for his own pleasure. I'd laugh in his face whilst giving it back to him.

Wowthatwasabigstep · 18/10/2024 16:42

Time to be brutal otherwise it might set a precedent.

My approach would be along the lines of 'have you lost your mind' and 'I have managed so far in life buying my own clothes and that won't be changing any time soon'

Do you think he is trying to demonstrate that he doesn't like your style and would prefer if you edged closer to 'Sluty Moth' to quote Miranda

Sassybooklover · 18/10/2024 16:43

You need to be honest. 'Thank you for being thoughtful and buying me the dress. I have tried it on - it doesn't fit and the style is more suited to a much younger woman. However, perhaps I can pick something else out, that I like?'. Give him the classic 'shit sandwich' - nice part, bad part followed by a nice part!!

Westfacing · 18/10/2024 16:54

An abdomen-revealing dress?

Maybe he's having a joke, particularly as he's saying he can't wait to see you in it, etc.

Shein stuff is cheap - just tell him you don't like it!

Westfacing · 18/10/2024 16:56

What sort of function is it?