To feel my figure holds me back…

[runningpram]

I realise i am so lucky to have a healthy working body but i am mid 40s and probably peri menopausal, so a bit oversensitive about my body shape ) but pls hear me out!

Im about 9,10 and 5,4 so not overweight and normally wear everything from (a big!) size 8 to a 12.

Im quite busty (they are not huge but too big for my frame and getting a bit saggy and have a bit of a tum. Unfortunately I have quite a short torso so I can look all bust and tummy - although neither is particularly huge - it’s just where I store fat. However I saw a pic of myself speaking at a work conference the other day and i looked enormous! Like I was obese and v matronly, with several chins!!

Logically I know it was a terrible picture taken at a weird angle close up when i had no time to pose! But I am SO depressed about it because i thought i looked nice at the event and Ive been working hard on diet and exercise over the past year. Instead now ive seen the pic I realise i just look worse.

I look at all my friends on social, the mums at my daughters school and their friends and they all look effortlessly amazing - super slim and perky and stylish. i feel, saggy drained and ugly.

Unfortunately, my Mum has alway compared me unfavourably to my much better looking and stylish sibling. When i was a teenager she would say I looked like ten tonne Tess in certain outfits and had no style etc. She always tells me how great my sibling looks and how i need a makeover! (Which is probs true) I never got told I looked nice and that has definitely compounded things.

I do manage to shake that feeling a lot but when I see my pics compared to my siblings or others in my life I feel depressed again.

Im also not naturally at all stylish aIl am worried that looking like this is holding me back socially and at work. The expectations for how women have to look to be successful and liked seem so high!

I also have so little time for myself all the other mums i know work part time and have to loads of time for friends, shopping and gym. Like i know it shouldn’t matter but I do feel people are more attracted to attractive people!

Aghhh - this is a huge brain dump!

I know lots of this is in my head and to do with society’s crazy expectations. I also need to make changes in my life

But as a starting point pls could you v stylish mumsnetters you help me find a work and summer outfit that could work for my figure in summer and a stylish and up to date hair cut and colour that could work for my figure and with someone with mousy hair, fair skin and quite a big head!

A bit of inspiration will definitely make me feel a bit brighter! Thank you!!!

It is mostly in your head, put there by your rather unkind sounding mother. But the odd makeover is never a bad thing!

I hesitate to ask but are you friends with your apparently stylish sibling? If you’re in relatively easy contact could you not express some of what you feel to them - and maybe suggest a shopping trip, or a couple of hours of virtual window shopping and ordering? (Would make it easy if you’re in different locations.)

Obviously if that’s never going to happen then S&B can probably point you in many different directions - including the famed personal shopper at a store whose first initial is J and second L. (@MNHQ we’ve talked about forcing posters to promote shops they have no interest in …)

But it would be helpful if you could give an idea of how much you can spend.

Thank you and totally agree about a lot of it being in my head. I am friends with lovely sibling but they are very busy and to be honest have quite a bit more cash than me - so I would be a bit worried about being pushed into stuff I couldnt really afford. I would probably want to spend around £150 for each outfit. Thank you again!

Its definitely not your figure, its your self-esteem
(and maybe sense of style a wee bit)

My DSis is shorter and fuller figured than me but looks absolutely lovely always. She dresses really well for her shape. She is also busty with a short body (about 1 or 2 stone heavier than you though).

Find some good people on instagram , StevieB stylist is very body positive and all about wearing clothes that make you happy and look good.
Salma Hayek is small and busty, look at her "street style", Selina Gomez may be a bit young, but short and curvy.

I hear you! 47, 5 ft 4 and a stone heavier than you. I think summer brings out the most insecurities. No more hiding under a big winter coat. No advice really because I have very little style sense. I would say that a bit of exercise and mindful eating, looking after your skin, nice perfume and pretty jewellery go a long way to make yourself feel a bit better. And I am sure you look way better than you think you do.

Not wanting to be unkind but I googled your BMI (because I'm just an inch shorter than you) and it came out as 23.3 . Overweight is above 24.9.
I wondered if you could do with losing half a stone or so? It could make a big difference is it's all round the middle.

Dresses, I'd avoid anything with an empire line and go for shirt-waister types of dresses, with a belt round the waist and a full skirt.

No idea of your hair style or hair type but there's loads online if you want to search for hairstyles based on what length you like- chin length, shoulder length, pixie crop etc.

I think curvy figures get much less of a free pass over 40. What used to look casual, edgy, carefree now looks seedy and unflattering.

I'm 52 and finding it harder and harder to find tshirts that don't make me look like a bag lady.

I've switched to blouses most of the time. Dresses are brilliant in summer. Jeans, well you can't win. Wear slim fit and be 'dated' or go wide leg and resemble a beach ball with feet.

Chuck a trusty, beloved, historied denim jacket on and be a 'cliche'.

I try not to care and just wear what I like but yes, photos can catch you out in the worst way. Sympathy!

Have you thought about seeing a stylist at somewhere like john lewis?

I keep meaning to try it out but have heard good things

I carry my weight around my middle in menopause too, though I am not overweight and am tallish. Losing half a stone is hard at this age, and it doesn't seem to go from my waist easily.

I wear a lot of simple block colour shirt dresses. Those huge poufy floral dresses in the shops make me look pregnant. I do colour, but large patterns make me look like a sofa. Empire line doesn't look good on me. I need a waist, but not body con.

Saw a lot of nice stuff in Arket the other day. Something like this for summer?Linen Shirt Dress - Blue - ARKET GB

Agree with blouses, or v neck silk tops. Good with slim trousers, tapered linen are nice for summer, wide linen fine too but the more structured the better, eg with front crease if you're going for a loose top.

Or this? Sculptural Lyocell-Blend Dress - Black - ARKET GB

x-posted with @CharlotteRumpling , was going to suggest shirt dresses

I am very similar to you op, same height and shape, and as I have got older the weight has gone on my middle and with relatively big boobs I have to be careful what I wear.

It has taken me decades to work out that I have a short body so if I wear a tight top and high waisted skirt or something with a waist belt I look awful. I have given up on jeans as the mom style accentuates my belly and flattens my bum! A dress might be better? Or all in one colour? I wore a patterned shirt with slim trousers to an event recently which was quite flattering and didn’t cling around the middle.

What is your posture like? That’s important for photos. Mine is rubbish but definitely sit up straight or find a standing pose that is flattering. If my middle body is all bunched up I look even worse!

I do wear wide leg jeans with shirts, nothing too tight up top. I think they balance my tum, but I am not busty. What about trying those new carrot style jeans?

I have a very different set of figure issues (overweight but weight in a different place).

However, if you have a short torso, and put weight on around your middle, do you not have proportionately long and slender legs? And could you not dress to emphasise those?

In terms of professional wear, a shift dress that does not cling around the waiist and tum but finishes to the knee or above, maybe?

Also trouser suits that flatter your proportions might work. Can you visit a store like John Lewis where you can book time with a personal stylist?

Also, have you been fitted with a really good bra recently?

Good luck x

Yes to shift dresses and shorts, and a new bra. I have good legs. Us apples usually do. I usuall wear a loose linen shirt ( Uniqlo does good ones) over a sleeveless tee in summer. Conceals the tummy.

Thank you all great tips! I could probably lose half a stone but it’s not coming off super easily and when it does go not from where I’d like it to go!

This kind of dress in a darkish colour with a shirred waist looks good on me for events. Buy Laura Ashley Navy Linen Blend Lace Trim Midaxi Dress from the Next UK online shop

We are the same size and weight. I run, cycle, climb, lift weights and am really fit. I eat healthily, don't drink.

I have such a short torso and had two emcs and my middle is just appalling and I have a billion chins. I'm doing a course ATM. I desperately wanted to do it. It's on Zoom and for 2hrs a week, instead of enjoying it, I try my hardest not to look at the image of me.

I'm a very healthy weight and fit, but look like a dumpy 43yr old matron. I am beyond fed up with it. Particularly because I'm a rabid feminist, never judge another woman and can't bloody switch it off.

I have no advice but solidarity.

I have a similar figure, and I find the most challenging part to dress is the short torso combined with big boobs.

My best suggestion is that dresses with a waist (so some kind of tie or nip) work best. If I try and wear separates, because there’s not much length between my boobs and hips it all tends to look a bit bulky! It’s also then WAY easier to get dressed and feel “put together” as you only need to think about 1 item, rather than pairing tops and bottoms.

Forever New are my current favourite brand- they have LOADS of shirt style or tie waist dresses. I feel they drape flatteringly over my bust, nip in at the waist and then the fuller skirts skim my hips.

I second the JL stylist suggestions, just to give you some ideas. And then try to have some confidence in your own style, it might take a while to find it. I am a couple of years older than you and I now shop mainly in &Other Stories, Arket, Whistles, Reiss, Hush, don’t really wear patterns but more block colours - I think that looks a bit more grown up and ‘together’. It’s worth spending a bit more on clothes that actually last and don’t go immediately out of fashion. And getting a few pieces of jewellery, scarves, nice bag, nice shoes makes such a difference and will make you look automatically more styled. Treat yourself to a haircut, makeover, mani/pedi too. Oh and ignore your mum, she sounds really mean.

I have come to the conclusion that when you get into your 40s (well, any age but I am in my 40s), posture is so important. I'm a size 8 but end up looking much bigger, especially in pics, because my posture tends to be crap. All hunched over and everything looks so droopy. I think it makes a big difference if you stand/sit up tall and hold yourself well.

Yes my posture isnt great think my boobs weigh me down a bit but I do try. The picture was particularly awful because i was a but hunched over the mike at that moment and the photographer crouched on the ground so they got a fantastic under bust shot!

Blimey I’m 1/2 inch taller and 4 stone heavier! I got down to a similar weight before and people kept saying ‘don’t lose any more!’.
But, I suspect the key is not how you look but how you feel. I think therapy to look at body positivity would help. If you’re happy to spend a bit of money, I would highly recommend getting your colours and then maybe your style done. I had mine done with house of colour a few years ago and it’s been a game changer with shopping. The wrong colours can totally wash me out and give me extra chins! Whereas the right colours make me look well and slimmer.

Yes are you me?! I am very active and dont touch carbs
and drink 2 glasses of wine a week. If i wasnt working i could work out much more and perhaps that would make more of a difference. But I do all the right things and dont think I’m in bad shape for my age really - just wish my efforts would show up in photos!

I'm a similar size, height, and body shape, I have to avoid anything at all that's belted or shirred at the waist, the dresses suggested above would look absolutely horrendous on me.
I mostly wear separates, tops usually end at the top of my hips because that's my slimmest part. Anything with a belt makes me look like a sack of spuds, so just shows how even a similar height and size body can vary so much.