To feel my figure holds me back…

[runningpram]

I realise i am so lucky to have a healthy working body but i am mid 40s and probably peri menopausal, so a bit oversensitive about my body shape ) but pls hear me out!

Im about 9,10 and 5,4 so not overweight and normally wear everything from (a big!) size 8 to a 12.

Im quite busty (they are not huge but too big for my frame and getting a bit saggy and have a bit of a tum. Unfortunately I have quite a short torso so I can look all bust and tummy - although neither is particularly huge - it’s just where I store fat. However I saw a pic of myself speaking at a work conference the other day and i looked enormous! Like I was obese and v matronly, with several chins!!

Logically I know it was a terrible picture taken at a weird angle close up when i had no time to pose! But I am SO depressed about it because i thought i looked nice at the event and Ive been working hard on diet and exercise over the past year. Instead now ive seen the pic I realise i just look worse.

I look at all my friends on social, the mums at my daughters school and their friends and they all look effortlessly amazing - super slim and perky and stylish. i feel, saggy drained and ugly.

Unfortunately, my Mum has alway compared me unfavourably to my much better looking and stylish sibling. When i was a teenager she would say I looked like ten tonne Tess in certain outfits and had no style etc. She always tells me how great my sibling looks and how i need a makeover! (Which is probs true) I never got told I looked nice and that has definitely compounded things.

I do manage to shake that feeling a lot but when I see my pics compared to my siblings or others in my life I feel depressed again.

Im also not naturally at all stylish aIl am worried that looking like this is holding me back socially and at work. The expectations for how women have to look to be successful and liked seem so high!

I also have so little time for myself all the other mums i know work part time and have to loads of time for friends, shopping and gym. Like i know it shouldn’t matter but I do feel people are more attracted to attractive people!

Aghhh - this is a huge brain dump!

I know lots of this is in my head and to do with society’s crazy expectations. I also need to make changes in my life

But as a starting point pls could you v stylish mumsnetters you help me find a work and summer outfit that could work for my figure in summer and a stylish and up to date hair cut and colour that could work for my figure and with someone with mousy hair, fair skin and quite a big head!

A bit of inspiration will definitely make me feel a bit brighter! Thank you!!!

Hi,
I'm probably what would be referred to as stout. Much as I would love to be lithe, it is never going to happen.

MichellekingKeenan, is great for dressing apple shapes. She uses belts and short top layers.

I wear what I know suits me, but I add a bit of what I love too, including hairstyles, necklaces, shoes etc. I find that is what people tend to notice and actually I get regular compliments surprisingly.

At size 8-12, nothing can make you look obese. Because you're not remotely overweight, never mind several stone heavier. Bearing in mind you also exercise a lot, for some reason have completely cut out an entire food group and you've got your mother's voice in your head, it's other people's knocking your self esteem and an absence of Facetune/Photoshop in the photo that's making you feel wrong.

Learning to adjust a mic height so you can stand up confidently and speak clearly, knowing the mic will still pick your voice up when standing straight and up to 2 foot away would be more useful than having people tell you to lose weight and battering your confidence even more.

In terms of clothing, dresses are easy. Longsleeved are smarter than short or sleeveless, 'professional' is code for 'nobody wants to see half your tits, your knicker elastic or your arse hanging out the back' and it's easier to look confident and stand up properly if your dress doesn't compress everything in the middle, as you can breathe.

I think belts can unfortunately make me look a little sack like - oh for my pre DC 25 inch waist!
But yes I will for some highlights a nice hair cut and new bra and trip to JL as a starting point!
Probably a bit of pampering and a bit less running around will make a big difference.

I think you sound like you have a lovely figure, OP. It sounds as though the photo was taken from a photo weird unflattering angle.

One thing I would say is get a really well fitting bra that lifts your boobs up. I'm an apple shape and a similar height to you and find it elongates my torso if my boobs are lifted. Not in a wonder bra type way, just a 'good support' Freya/Bravissimo way.

I sew, specifically because RTW doesn't cater for those with a larger bust. You either need to size up and find someone (or learn) to do the alterations, or learn to sew and then you can tailor make clothes to fit your shape properly. It makes a huge difference to how you look and feel.

Don’t believe the hype about ‘naturally stylish’, OP. Being able to dress yourself well isn’t an innate gift, IMO. It’s something you can learn if you’re interested and most people who dress well have spent time and energy on working out their style. Some people have someone in their life who’ll teach them about getting dressed when they’re young. Most of us don’t. I favour my father’s side and my mum tried to teach me how to dress her body and personality rather than mine. As a result I spent much of my younger adult life in a confused mess of styles not really knowing how I wanted to present myself. it took me a couple of years in my early 40s to really understand what I needed for my lifestyle, what I liked, what made me feel good and crucially, what it was those things had in common. I have a list of words, shapes, colours and fabrics that I know make me feel good and I buy things that fit those criteria.

Rather than going out and buying more stuff based on recommendations from others, I’d spend some time getting to the bottom of what you like and why you like it.

There are loads of resources online, but I’d start with everything you already own that you reach for regularly and enjoy wearing. What are the things that all of them have in common. What things did you buy, wear once and abandon? Why? Then you can start to build a list of the sort of things that you need to look for when you’re shopping for clothes. I’d also go and try a tonne of things on and take pictures of what you like, again looking for common themes.

Once you’ve got a grip on what you like I found it helpful to start to explore how to deal with proportions and how your shoes, hair, accessories etc help to balance your proportions. Personally though, I’d not worry too much about what’s going to ‘flatter’ you. It’s so subjective, a bit boring and if you feel good, you’ll look good. I know full well that my figure looks great in a shirt dress and a pair of stacked heel sandals. But I feel dowdy and overdressed and altogether not myself. Therefore who cares if it’s flattering because I feel all wrong and look uncomfortable.

What about a professional bra fitting? Can make a world difference to posture and how clothes fit

If you're off to JL then book a bra fitting, They're infinitely better than M&S and I hope will find you something that will bring your boobs back up to chest height and give you a waist.

My suggestion is to buy a couple of the best supportive perfectly fitting bras you can afford.

Look up David kibbe if you haven't already. It's the best 'guide' to finding your own style I've found.

Sounds more like a lack of confidence then any real figure issues TBH.
Just dont make the mistake of trying to cover up perceived flaws too much....I think sometimes people try and hide away problem areas and just end up looking bigger!
(I know when I was big I used to wear baggy clothes to 'hide' the fat and honestly it just made me more blob like!).

Don’t believe the hype about ‘naturally stylish’,

^

This. It's earned.

OP you sound like me - but I’m slightly heavier atm (3lbs) following some major abdo surgeries that I just can’t shift!

id agree if you have a decent JL nearby a personal stylist is worth it if you get a good one - I did this as just wanted some different ideas. It’s been really helpful and gave some other brands I now know generally fit/suit me.

I also now factor in alterations to quite a few clothes purchases! Just a little off the length, taking in a waist or often altering sleeves ( atm to de puff) can make a huge difference!

Meant to add - I agree it isn’t all that easy to be stylish but I do think a short, curvy figure can be particularly difficult especially if your natural style isn’t to lean into it and for that smart/casual look. For example I generally look better in lower neck tops, but I don’t always want that look. I can find higher necks that work but there aren’t that many.