Changing your viewpoint on 'good'

[ISaySteadyOn]

I have realised recently that I hate clothes shopping because I equate looking good with looking slim. And I can't look in a mirror because I don't look slim.

I never have been, am not, and never will be slim. It's just not my body type. So how do I change my viewpoint and where would you start?

I don't want to end up in tears when I have to buy new clothes anymore. Or when I shop for someone else and see clothes I think are pretty and decide that I couldn't possibly wear them. I guess I am asking if I am alone in feeling this.

Get a personal shopper - they’ll help you with flattering stuff you might not have considered

John Lewis is good

It’s a rather narrow viewpoint, @ISaySteadyOn … Millions and millions of women in other countries and on other continents are not ‘slim’ but they fully expect to look good when they get dressed. And they do. And go out into the world and get on with their lives and are respected and fallen in love with and appreciated as complete human beings.

Maybe you need to travel a bit?

I think this is really helpful in that you know it's your own criteria that need to shift. Maybe start of list of all the things that you think objectively make an outfit or a person look good? Things like

Style
Fabric
Fabric pattern
Colour
The way our feels to wear, ect., and then reevaluate based on your new criteria endlessly until it becomes habit. I don't like two sections of wrinkles on my face, i don't like that my hand and arm skin is starting to age. If i thought only the young looked good then this would get me down. Instead i feel i can look good, and also I can see that I'm aging!

I think two things help.

1. Don't buy cheap clothes, they only look.good on slim people. Good quality fabrics hang much better.
2. Buy clothes that are big enough. You will look better if your clothes aren't too tight.

I.totally get what you mean OP. I am just the same as you!

What clothes size do you usually wear? Perhaps we could point you in the direction of some beautiful clothes that you’d be proud to be seen in?

I think it’s a very understandable viewpoint @ISaySteadyOn and I’m sure you’re not alone. We’re bombarded with messages that slim = good and not slim= bad. Lots of brands call you Extra Extra Large if you’re size 16… I was looking at a shop the other day which only went up to a size 10, FGS. Fashion has a very …complicated relationship with larger sized women…at best. Above size 18, your choices are drastically reduced.

I am not overweight according to BMI but have a large bust - genetic heritage and thank you, menopause. So I’ve been treating clothes as a project for some years. Recently found lots of videos on YouTube that guide you how to dress in the most flattering way for your figure. If I could find a personal stylist who really ‘gets’ the issues of a top- heavy figure and the constraints of my lifestyle, I’dpay for a consultation. I always wear the colours that flatter me.

Get a personal style consultation if you can afford it and can find someone who is sympathetic to your size. Then look for your ‘good’ styles in as best quality that you can afford. Get your colours done and stick to them. Get nice accessories, shoes, jewellery etc. Tell yourself you’re worth it and deserve to have nice things. I think that together, these may shift your viewpoint.

The clothes I like wearing are the ones DH has made for me. Yes, I have a DH who can make clothes. And that is an out and out boast . He makes me long skirts which swish really nicely when I walk.

I range in size from 16-18. Atm, 16 is where I am.

I don't actually need new clothes at all, I am more posting because I really disappointed DD1 last time I went shopping with her. She so desperately wanted to find something nice for me because I have found so many nice things for her. So I want to try again and not disappoint her.

Some very good points.
I agree about not buying cheap, fast fashion, it really looks awful on most people, unless you are thin.
Good quality fabrics and better made clothes look a lot better.
Tight fitting clothes don’t look good on anyone who isn’t slim.

I think you need to flip your mindset of thinking you're somehow personally failing the clothes. The reality is the clothes are failing you. Don't be afraid to be more demanding, even if it leaves you with less to choose from (that's already the case anyhow).

I fully acknowledge it's harder the further up the size chart because the larger the size, the more varied the body shapes become. The industry thinks it's doing good enough by offering a size that's derived from a much smaller average one but it's really not enough. You might have more luck by zeroing in on a brand that caters to your shape, but it's a lot of trial and error.

Since you have a sewing DH I'd consider buying up one or two sizes and having him alter it to fit for you. Or get your DD to help him pick out sewing patterns for you?

Wow. Your second post is quite the drip feed!

Your DH makes clothes. And they are clothes that you really like!
You are a 16. So a pretty average size in the UK, not so hard to find in shops.
You don't actually need new clothes anyway. But you want to buy yourself clothes so as not to disappoint your daughter? (I'm not sure I really understand this)

There's quite a lot to unpack here!

Ooo sorry I'm no help but I can see the clothes your DH has made? I'm haven't seen them but I'm jealous already! They must be so lovely to wear because you know they've been made with love and care 😁

I think you raise an interesting point, op. It took me a long time to figure out that 'flattering' and 'suits you' were basically code for 'makes you look thinner / younger'. Which is fair enough except when it's promoted as somehow more thoughtful and intelligent than enjoying fashion.

I've moved on to loving clothes for their own sake: well made, great fabrics, interesting shapes, colours, prints. They still need to fit well but if your husband can make - and presumably alter? - clothes then that sounds like a great position to be in.

And no need to apologise for not needing any new clothes. I've got enough clothes to last me the rest of my life but it doesn't stop me looking and talking.

Exactly what Flo says. It's the battle between "flattering" and "suits you" and what's interesting and fun to wear.

I'm a 14 /16 and that's in today's vanity sizing. I'm not interested in "flattering". I'm interested in dramatic, interesting clothes. I had the same approach even when I was an 8 (which is a 6 or even a 4 in today's sizing)

There's another thread where Hervé Leger bandage dresses are being discussed.

I'm sure this is the acme of "flattering" for a size 6, 8 or 10. It's also, to my eyes, a very boring and uninteresting dress.
Hervé Leger bandage dresses

Very jealous of your sewing Dh. It is very very difficult. I just looked at the Gather & See website. Sizes range from xs to xl, but no equivalent dress size or measurements are given. If I was less than an 18 or 20, it would be worth guessing, but I don’t even want to ask. Actual shops are unlikely to provide me with much choice, so, too often, if I can do something up, I buy it. My cupboards are full of things I like but don’t fit, or don’t like, but almost fit. Too small is definitely unflattering, but so is too big, and so definitely is shapeless. I do love “ oversized” ,feel like I have a sporting chance with those. And I love customer reviews that drill down into the sizing. I have a large bust and no waist but slim legs and hips. If it doesn’t work on a pear shaped woman, it might be just my thing. I’ve never seen a plus sized shop that wasn’t deadly depressing. Shapeless, acres of polyester, lots of black. Even so called high end stuff like Marina Rinaldi. Bleurgh.

One of the differences between the clothes your DH makes and what you can buy is nothing to do with style. It's the fact that he can make you clothes that actually fit. He can (I presume) start off with a pattern that fits your body then adapt it to make room for your bust so you don't end up swamped just so you can fasten a shirt without gaping. It's very hard to buy clothes like that, even in plus sizes. When I make clothes for myself, I routinely shorten arms and legs and make more room for my middle aged belly. I no longer need a full bust adjustment on most tops since the boob fairy took away her loan but I do usually end up lowering bust darts by an inch or so. Lots of things that make a difference to how something looks on me, even if it's just a pair of joggers.

If your DD wants to treat you then maybe look for something for your bottom half or a luxurious accessory.

I love the texture of the fabric of that dress but she looks bloody cold.

Thank you all. It took me a while to work up the courage to post and everyone has had really interesting things to say.

I keep forgetting about the fun to wear. I have one skirt that DH didn't make that I love. It's both full and long and has pictures of full rigged ships all over it. I never think about how I look when I wear it. I just like the feel of it. It is lots of fun to wear. I will try to remember that.

I think a few posters on here have misunderstood your post (and others have really got it).
I feel the same as you in lots of ways. If I see a dress that I like, and try it on, my first reaction is quite often I look fat in it. I'm a size 14, I've been a 14 for a while, I need to accept that I can wear the clothes that I like even though I'm not a size 10. It doesn't matter if I don't look skinny in them. That does not mean that they don't suit me, or they aren't cute, or that it matters that certain parts are on show.

Unfortunately it's not as easy as just telling yourself once and it's all sorted, it's a hard habit to break- I haven't managed it yet myself but I'll keep on working on it.

Erica Davies is great to follow on instagram- she's had a few rants about choosing to wear things even if they're not flattering but because she likes the style, shape, colour, texture, because it's interesting. It's definitely something I'm working on in myself.

Have a look at this woman

www.instagram.com/clarewatkins_stylist?igsh=YmsycXp4aTl3a2Zl

I don't mean to get ideas, you clearly know what you like, but it's her confidence I love

I feel the same way. I thinking it might as be my generation - I'm a mid 80s teen.

I do agree in that the fashion advice of what suits women does generally tend to be about what makes them look 'slimmer'. I got annoyed with one woman I saw on Instagram who said about wide leg trousers making women look wide. What is wrong with a woman looking wide if she wants to look wide?! God forbid she take up space!

I'm a similar kind of size to OP. I've stopped worrying about looking 'slim'. I can't say what has changed my mindset. Getting older, splitting with ex, having too much on my plate to care etc probably.

I follow a lot of fashion accounts on Instagram who are similar size to me. I guess it helps to normalise my size and get a better idea of how certain styles look on me. It's also helped me to learn about proportions. Sometimes it's not about the clothes making me look 'fat' that make them look unflattering. It's just about how the proportions work, where the eyes fall to etc. Somethings just look better if they sit higher up or lower down etc. Nothing to do with size. Just things like where a sleeve stops, where a hem hangs etc. Think of it like how you would position your furniture in a house.

It's quite interesting what someone else said above about people from different continents having different expectations.
I used to work in the fashion store that everyone on here complains has rubbish sizes and staff (blame the staff cuts for lack in customer service, in 7 years I worked with a vast majority of nice people who want to give good service but no time). As you would unfortunately expect in that type of store, the majority of staff were young and very slim. However one lady in her 20s was from Iran, and about a size 16. She was very proud of her figure, and would wear the bandage style dresses someone else posted whenever she went out, and very proudly display her curves. In her culture, her figure was a great asset, but was very at odds with the rest of the white British young women working alongside her.

Yes, that is exactly what I meant, @anon2022anon.

And why I suggested that if the OP does want a change of mindset she might usefully spend some time in places where things are viewed differently.