What to wear for Catholic Requiem Mass funeral.

[Intothevalley]

Hi there,

I've never been to a full-on Catholic requiem, but will be attending one in two week's time.

I am going to wear something black (either knee length skirt and shirt, or a dress) - with a black trench coat, shoes, and tights.

From Googling it looks like 'modest dark colours' are preferred, and headwear is not 'required' - but is headwear preferred, would it be a respectful choice?

Are there any 'no-nos' I should be aware of?

Thank you!

Yes to smart and black, but a hat is not necessary these days.

Smart black clothing is preferable - cream or white blouse etc fine too. No headwear required.

Smart , black , hat not essential, modest (just not too short a skirt or too revealing )
catholic mass is quite relaxed nowadays

Yes to black unless otherwise specified. No to headwear. The priest will direct you through the service. Just sit, stand or kneel when others do.
if they have communion, you stay in your seat or go up for a blessing (shown by crossing your arms over your chest) but don't take the communion itself as that is only for catholics. Most non catholics will stay sitting silently and not go up.

Thank you all, and thanks to @Justyouwaitandseeagain - I hadn't considered the religious rites element, I've attended various churches for various weddings, baptisms, and funerals, and I am always conscious that I need to watch what everyone else is doing, and follow suit. Noted on not taking communion.

No problem! There is likely to be a lot of bits where the priest says something and the whole congregation responds. Plus prayers or sections of text the congregation recites. You can generally pick up a laminated card or mass book when you go into the church if you want to follow more easily what it being said. Some churches will have pots of holy water which people use to bless themselves on the way into church (not all churches do this since covid). if they say 'let's offer each other the sign of peace' you either shake hands or smile and nod to those around you saying 'peace be with you'. Shaking hands is traditional but again more people have switched to smile and nod since Covid. There may be an offertory where a plate or bag is passed around and people give a small donation (maybe a pound or 2) to the church or you can just pass it along to the next person. There may also be a collection for a charity chosen by the family on the way out.

If you’re Protestant be prepared for the seemingly abrupt end to the Lords Prayer at the “forever and ever”, the rest is said but after a few lines by the celebrant.
It is also not the norm for Christians other than RC to receive communion whereas I know the other way around is acceptable.
No to hats and gloves which are gone a long time now.

Apologies - I meant it stops after “evil” and doesn’t go into the line “for thine is the”.

In fairness this may be sung anyhow in a requiem mass.

It might be a good idea to have a look at previous funeral services on YouTube from the church you'll be attending. You can get an idea of the format and dress code from that. I know some people specify bright colours (my friend wore a lovely yellow top in honour of the deceased's favourite colour), so you could check with the family.

Thank you all.

The shorter Lord's Prayer I was aware of from a wedding (it surprised me at the time). I love the "peace be with you/and with you too" response.

I've seen some people bow/curtsey and cross themselves towards the cross before they enter the pew, I'll follow suit if they do.

It's an in-law's funeral. She was a devout Catholic, DH is lapsed but baptised and confirmed so knows how to conduct himself. He's very open to questions but a) I don't want to trouble him with frippery when he's grieving his mum, and b) he's relaxed and wouldn't judge if I got it wrong. I just want to make sure I behave appropriately/respectfully for everyone else that's there. So, thank you!

Dress as you would for any other funeral that hasn’t specified a dress code. And behave as you would in any other church service — Catholicism doesn’t require any special treatment, apart from not taking communion. No need to genuflect or bless yourself. You’re attending a funeral, not pretending to be Catholic!

We went to a devout Catholic funeral mass and what surprised us most is that little was said about the deceased.

I know this isn't Style or Beauty. But in terms of where to sit. I presume I sit with DH.

But if there isn't enough space for family in that row, I will sit one row back and presumably other in-laws will too?

Just be aware they take a long time and the atmosphere will feel more heavy than non Catholic services. Take plenty of tissues and also a few things mentally to concentrate on if you find that helps get you through.

It’s primarily a mass. They don’t get personalised much.

I’ve been to a couple (in laws) and would confirm there was no headwear. As a non catholic Christian I didn’t participate in communion, or bow to the cross etc as they are not part of my religion.
It would be usual for you to sit with your husband

There is a eulogy (that's DH will read), and it's 50/50 about the deceased, and the church.

This depends.

At my MIL's funeral there were only 2 children so we all sat, children and partners, in the front pew.

At my grandmother's there were 4 children so the children sat in the front and their spouses sat behind them.

Might be something for your husband and husband's siblings to consider ahead of time to avoid any awkwardness on the day if there's confusion.

At MIL's funeral we had a ridiculous situation where a long lost brother of hers kept trying to muscle in as chief mourner while my husband and his sibling were trying to muscle him out 😂

The main family often sit at the front together, so if it's a parent, you'll have the siblings and children of the deceased only (if there are a lot of them), with no inlaws or grand children (just practical from the point of view of room). The in laws and grand children would be in the next row directly behind, all together. If there are only few siblings and children, in laws will be in the front row. It'll be clear on the day.

Just as a note, they no longer say peace be with you/and also with you, its now peace be with you/and with your spirit.

I'm Catholic and I honestly don't think you need to worry about dress code. It's same as any other funeral.

I would also say don't worry about the mass. Catholics dont judge if people are trying to be respectful and take part. If you don't know the responses or stand or kneel in the wrong places it's OK. Even our priest gets muddled at times!!

I would suggest going up for a blessing at the communion. Fold your hands and bow your head rather than holding them out for the host. You can say amen at the end. It's only quick. It's nice to take part. I feel sure your DHs aunt would be happy if you did that.

I find mass a lovely time for reflection and mindfulness. It might help if you know the order of mass as I think it can drag if you don't know what's coming. Just remember communion is near the end so when it gets to that the end is in sight!!

Same as any other funeral.

Not terribly formal clothing, and definitely no headwear or gloves.
You'd look like you were auditioning for the Godfather.

The family (like any other funeral) will sit at the front, with their spouses and children next to them.

I went to my BILs in January and it was about 45 minutes from start to finish (my SIL wore jeans and a puffa jacket- but I'm in Italy and oddly I've noticed that church services here are actually much less formal than in the UK)

The kneel before going into the pew is what is called the genuflect. It should be done in the direction of the tabanacle (gold or covered box usually at the front of the front) but many people do it to the altar. As others have said I wouldn't worry about doing this (or going up for the blessing / doing all the responses) if you are not a Catholic. Just keeping a respectful silence is enough. My non religious SILs practiced the hymns before our wedding which was a nice touch. The 'peace be with you' is a nice gesture to be able to greet and have a bit of human contact with those around you.

Same as you would wear to any other funeral.

Smart, respectful. Dark colours or black.

I've only ever seen seen hats at catholic weddings. .

You don’t have to genuflect going into your pew if you aren’t a Catholic. It is paying “respect” to the consecrated bread or wine that is often stored in a little cupboard behind or near the alter. Catholics bow or genuflect at the closest point so it’s not really about going into the pew.

Wear somber black covering clothes (so no cleavage or shoulders or thighs).

Nb not worn any more but a mantilla was more common than hats at funerals.