Feeling much less attractive all of a sudden in mid 40s

[Ferniebrook]

Wondering if anyone else has felt this way. I am 46 and always considered myself attractive and had been told I was (not like stand out gorgeous or anything, but nice looking). At the strike of 45 it was like a button switched off and I just don't feel attractive anymore and just assume no one would look at me and think that and I don't think they do. Is this typical? Anyone done anything to overcome it? It's a weird feeling to think ageing just automatically makes you not attractive, other than maybe nice for your age :-)

We’re about same age. I don’t think I look massively different from a few years ago, but definitely feel less attractive. I also feel a bit middle aged.

i think because in late 30’s, you don’t act or look that different than in your late 20’s, but I feel that about mid 40’s you suddenly realise that people in their 20’s could be your kids! It happens very quickly!!

im feeling a bit ‘meh’ too, bored of fashion( even though I love it!) but I also wonder if it’s the less attention we get paid from men. I’ve noticed that recently I don’t get ‘eyed up’ and while I don’t miss it, that lack of feedback must have some unconscious effect.

after all, we’re all social animals and we do take our cues from other people

no idea what the answer is. Maybe it’s just to take more care of ourselves and re focus on ourselves- looking forward to hear if anyone has the antidote

This is so spot on in terms of how I feel. I also wondered if there is something physiological as menopause approaches. Agree re attention- I mean the occasional second glance seems to be a thing of the past or a stranger actually saying you are pretty (I only remember this happening twice) is def not happening again. The realisation that some of my colleagues are 20+ years younger is a wake up call. Sometime I look at a guy and think he is attractive but then quickly remember I'm don't seem to fall into that category...

Oh actually the one thing that does pep me up a bit is exercise.

I really relate to this I'm 44. Last year I started getting Botox and I've recently had my eyebrows micro bladed. This has had quite an effect on me and really improved my motivation with my skin - started with serums etc and I've gone back to the gym after a 10 year break. Whether this will make men fancy me again I have no idea but it's had a huge effect on how I feel when I see myself - worthy of good care is how I describe it. Enough to stop wearing make up apart from mascara most of the time because my skin looks so much better.
I think it was v much a hormonal shift that has settled a bit now.

45 here, I wouldn’t say that I was ever particularly attractive but I’ve definitely noticed a lack of a glow lately. From about 41 - 44 my sex drive was through the roof (unfortunate as I’m divorced and single) but this last year it’s really taken a dip. I do feel like I’m entering a new phase of life, I guess it’s leaving the fertile years behind.

I’ve wondered how important it is to be able to attract the male gaze and what comes after that has expired.

I don’t like the crepey lines that have appeared around my mouth. Reminds me of my mum! Loved her dearly but the signs of aging are a bit much sometimes.

From what I understand the decline of estrogen is pretty fast plus the effects it has from late 40s onwards. It’s not a gentle drop, more like a sharp turn down.

ive read eating almonds increases vitamin e amd softens wrinkles so been trying that.

im not a fan of cosmetic procedures so working on my mental approach to aging rather than trying to stop it. It’s certainly providing food for thought.

i like Helen Mirren and Helena Binham Carter.

I don’t want to define my value through the male gaze. It’s what we’ve been taught is where our value comes from but I’m trying to escape the need to keep peddling youth as something to chase.

Definitely going to the gym, lifting heavy weights, eating really well and future proofing my health has been an obsessive focus.

You can be as pretty and rich as lovely Princess Kate and then it all seems so trivial in the face of something life threatening like cancer.

Just try and enjoy today.

At 60 you’ll look back at now and think you had it all!

Yes - I’d agree it’s probably hormonal too.

I’m to get some HRT and start looking after myself.

Wait until you reach your fifties and you become completely invisible. It’s horrible to feel irrelevant.

It’s definitely reversible.
I’m not in the market for a new man so attractiveness to opposite sex isn’t relevant to me but I do find it helps to put the effort in (in my case a TON of effort!) so that I can feel good about myself. If I look awful, my mental health is awful and vice versa.
Attractiveness is 80% health 20% cosmetic. So I look my best when I’m eating right, exercising properly and not drinking alcohol.

I’m 52 and definitely still get second glances and comments. It comes in handy sometimes / like today I needed a tyre puncture fixing quickly - on the phone the man said it would take up to 2 hours, but then when I arrived in my car, he got all flirty and it was done in 10 minutes.

It’s a sad fact that attractiveness can be a commodity but we are where we are.

At 44 I’m actually finding myself more attractive tbh. I think I lost the last 15 years to child rearing and now youngest is nearly ten. Ive lost weight and seem to have found my “style” lots of random people have told me I look really well / fab recently too.

Of great good for you! Yeah I have put on some weight and I think losing that will give me a boost!

This is what I mean. It's really not that I need to feel like I'm being eyed up it's just odd to feel invisible. And not so much because of how you look but because society is all geared up for youth is beauty! I'm not making that much effort with my appearance and have put on some weight so am going to focus on getting healthy and caring for myself!

Ha ha great to hear!

I'm 44 soon and felt I've started to look more haggard this year. Can't afford Botox any more and had a death and divorce in the past two years and my forehead is looking lined, my cheeks more sunken & I just look more knackered overall. 😫

I’m around your age and up until last year was smug about how good I looked. And then…
It’s like it happened overnight?! I just look terrible no matter what I do. Like looking at myself on Teams calls and seeing a weird saggy faced jowly person there and that is me!

Ive just opted to ramp up exercise and be really rigid about vitamins, water etc. Have started tretinoin recently and hope that will help. I’m definitely considering HRT however periods are clockwork still so not sure if they’ll give it me?
Maybe we should all report back in 6months with the results of our regimes?

Definitely. Am in. Let's post about how it's going. I love exercise but have put weight on and about 8lb over a normal BMI, so that needs to come off. To make running easier if nothing else.

I have started using No7 anti-ageing creams although I'm not that strict about daily use. They make a difference I think

I don't feel particularly invisible. I know I am supposed to but I don't. Probably because I was only average to start with.

It's natural, we get older and the woman staring back at us is the older version of once young and more physically 'appealing' attractiveness. I remember being at a hotel abroad and me and my friend in our 20s had missed breakfast, but the waiters fell over themselves to get us some. Meanwhile, an older lady saw this and said, "Oh great can I have some as well?" They looked at her and said no, service is closed! I knew at that moment, and other experiences, that being young and female warranted such attention, totally superficial and unfair, but unfortunately that's life I guess. Now I'm the older lady who would be treated the same. Very sad 😔

To add, there comes a point when you accept and don't really care! If in a relationship as long as your SO finds you attractive. I look back at the days of partying and being chatted up a lot, I wouldn't want to be in that sort of situation now anyway. You come to realise there are more important and deeper things in life, you go through losses, you change and becone more aware and wise. Of course, do what u can to make yourself feel good but don't worry you don't get the same attention as you used to, even with surgery no one can get back that teen glow. Xx

I'm not in a relationship but I just get a boost out of feeling I look decent. I think that is OK. It's the same as wanting to feel I'm doing well in other areas of life I think. I don't think this is a superficial way to feel, it's natural.

I'm long-term single but this isn't about that, it's just for me.

Yes I'm 45 about 3 years ago I developed a middle age spread. !! Put about half a stone on. I lost it but not off the stomach?? Feel older, less attractive. A bit less put together.

I sometimes find myself feeling envious of attractive young women, or a bit sad about it - I always try to remind myself that they too will go through the ageing process.

I dont think you are superficial, OP. But I may have misinterpreted the purpose of the thread. I was looking at it more from a philosophical angle rather than tips

. I am 52 though, and I am coming to terms with aging. The real battle now is health.

It’s all so expensive too, isn’t it? That’s half of it for me. I’m running a household on a single wage and there isn’t much left for nice skincare, new clothes, makeup etc.
It’s never been this tight before and it’s come right at the time I need to invest in these things, rather than a quick baby wipe, clean hair and a slick of lipgloss.

We all want to look good. It's a sign of normal self esteem.
It wasn't at 45 for me but I have found that moving on in life sometimes leads to sudden, dramatic changes. Things that worked, suddenly don't! It wasn't just at this later stage: at 30, I needed a better moisturising lotion and mustard had a range of interesting flavours when previously it had just been too spicy. Recently, all hair care has changed for me. What worked for the previous years was just not right anymore. I have changed styles, products, methods completely.
So don't worry if the usuals don't work: play around; try totally different things until you find your new go-to's.
And don't worry, the men are still looking. They might be different men ...