Feeling much less attractive all of a sudden in mid 40s

[Ferniebrook]

Wondering if anyone else has felt this way. I am 46 and always considered myself attractive and had been told I was (not like stand out gorgeous or anything, but nice looking). At the strike of 45 it was like a button switched off and I just don't feel attractive anymore and just assume no one would look at me and think that and I don't think they do. Is this typical? Anyone done anything to overcome it? It's a weird feeling to think ageing just automatically makes you not attractive, other than maybe nice for your age :-)

I’m 45 and while I don’t really get the same make attention as I did when I was younger (don’t really care), I feel great. I think working out/doing sports 6 days a week and eating clean helps a lot. I’ve also lost some weight/body fat over the last year. I also spend a small fortune on supplements and skincare. Proper skincare helps a lot. No Botox, but never say never…

I started eating clean (by which I mean eating non-processed food 95% of the time) in my early 30s, and it has been transformative. Can’t recommend it highly enough.

I'm your age and feel very similarly. I think it's the realisation that there's no turning back and time is linear.

That said, I'm feeling much more confident and comfortable in myself than when I was younger. Like others say, eating well, getting sleep, a decent skincare routine, and exercise make a real difference to how I feel in myself.

Also - are you hanging round with any female friends your own age? I really love seeing the signs of ageing land on my friends; not in a malevolent or competitive way, I just thing that it's beautiful to see their faces changing. I was having coffee with a friend recently and the sunlight hit her face in a certain way and it was incredible to see her as a 47 year old woman (having known her for 15 years), with little lines round her eyes and silver hairs coming in; something so amazing about seeing her happy and confident and getting older. Not sure if that makes sense, but it's something I think about a lot.

Thanks for all these comments

I think eating,, sleeping and exercise are so important. I’m good on the exercise but less on the other two. Studying and working and parenting have affected diet and sleep but I’m def ready to get healthier. I never bothered with moisturizer but really makes a difference now

If you can face it I found the Zoe program was the kick in the pants I needed to make me eat better.

I feel like I have a great diet now. I’m never hungry and probably the biggest difference it made for me quite early on was the balance in mental health. It’s helped so much. I feel much more balanced. I can’t say I feel happy all the time. I lost my mum last year so had a real huge knock. The eating for my own type and an anti inflammatory diet has made me feel much better though and I feel like I’ve cooked better than if I was eating my old diet.

I still get tired and I’m not completely there with sorting all my health needs, I’ve had some knocks there too, but yes, take care of your body now and it will give you a good 50s, 60s and 70s.

Watch the Dr Attia podcast with Zoe for inspiration. It’s on YouTube. Good luck!

Similar age, and feel the same. I don't have wrinkles, don't need botox, good genes there as actually my mum in her 70s has none too. I have a healthy glow because I don't drink. I eat ok. I walk a lot. Doesn't matter how well I look after myself I'm really starting to feel invisible. Part of the problem is living in a town that's really old. It's been really bad for me in terms of motivation. No friends my age. Everyone around me in their 70s on average. I've aged very quickly moving back to the UK as I was in much more youthful countries before and always in the capital cities (and less age segregated cultures), and expat life was all parties, lunches and socialising, meant I made an effort.

I kind of agree and disagree with you. I'm mid 40s now and my face is definitely taking a battering, and it is a bit sad to see your looks diminish.

On the other hand though, it's not like I didn't know this was coming and one woman's invisible is another woman's "Thank God I don't have to worry about impressing anyone by preening myself and worrying about if I look beautiful or not anymore".

I'm just going to try and embrace it as much as I can and be content with the "good for your age" mantle. I'm more worried about living a long healthy life these days, rather than whether some random men might consider me shaggable or not.

This is so true. The cost is ridiculous just to look half way decent.

This sounds great. Will check out. Sorry about your mum.

For me feeling healthy snd like I like good are very related. I exercise for mental health benefits primarily, but feeling fit gives you more confidence in your looks. As others are saying sleeping well, eating well etc all give you a boost physically which helps your wellbeing. Some of it is self care. I have a habit of not getting my hair cut for ages and when I do always feel better. I drink way too much caffeine and not that much but some alcohol. Think there is loads I could do for a boost (not always easy to do when constantly on the go as so many of us are). It’s not about being considered shaggable but I doubt I’m the only one who has occasionally got a buzz from someone glancing at you and thinking you’re attractive. If it’s just me I hold me hands up!!!

This happened to me at around 51/52. I suddenly had droopy eyelids, eye bags, jowls and a double chin. Unrecognisable from just a few years before. I had an upper and lower bleph, a neck lift and a face lift 6 months ago, and I now look like me again. Would 100% recommend it for anyone who is very unhappy.

@Blondiebeachbabe any recommendations of a clinic or surgeon?

I'm not going to do it I don't think but it would always be good to have in the back pocket as the final nuclear option!

So glad to read others are feeling this. I turn 40 this year and this last year it suddenly hit me that (and I will say that it doesn't matter that this has happened ) but I suddenly realised men don't notice me anymore. I feel this happened about 2 years ago but I hadn't really stopped to notice until recently when I suddenly realised. Made me feel sad I guess and question what's changed. I kinda feel I've full on entered the "mum camp". Already starting to feel a tad invisable tbh. My skin has defo lost its glow. I know it shouldn't matter but it's a bit depressing really isn't it

This is such a beautiful post. I feel the same about my family and friends, we are travelling through life and aged as we should. It's a wonderful thing to get older, wiser, more confident, all the things we are, all the things we've seen and done. We are doing what we are supposed to do. I'm happy to look after myself health wise, thats a investment, but I'm not going to spend my money on Botox etc when it could be spent on having fun and more good times and something more positive.
I don't feel invisible, I feel empowered.

Don't relate to this at all. It's more than ever in my 40s. I can't wait to not feel like prey.

But my mum said it went on until her 60s, otherwise who are the older men chatting up? I know most testosterone diminishes so they're not looking at women like that but many older men still do, she was hoping it'd end sooner. When my dad died she was batting them off, even married ones and she hated it

I'm feeling the same! Turning 44 this year and I can see the bloom and freshness of youth draining away. This is an IMMENSELY stressful time in my life and I am hoping to turn things around once the stressful period passes.

45 is when oestrogen levels start to plunge so you often lose that youthful glow and also feel less sexual. It's no coincidence that this is the age women say they start to feel invisible.
Having said that, I'm 50 this year and think I look great. Ha!

I thought I was crazy and alone in feeling this way, but it’s been the same for me. Just turned 44 and for the last couple of years I’ve noticed a decline in getting those second glances or smiles from men. But it’s like the last 6 months or so it’s really gone down hill.

It’s sad, I know, feeling like you are putting your attractiveness in how many man see you that way. And, while it’s something I still wish was happening on a regular basis, as it used to be, I also find it kind of uncomfortable. I’ve been divorced and single for 16 years now and up until recently never desired being in a relationship. My focus was on my girls and my marriage was so bad I never wanted to have that kind of relationship again, until the last year or so. And of course, I’m wanting that when I’m middle aged and practically invisible.

I don’t feel my age, maybe like 30 to 35, but I know I’m looking closer to my actual age. I take care of myself for the most part, with the exception of a drink or two here and there. I guess I’m lucky that in feel younger than I am, gotta embrace that and hope it translates through to my appearance.

I'm 45, going on 46, for me it started during covid, I gained weight due to lock down, too much wine and food. Little 'jokes' made about my weight hit me hard. I've always had issues with my weight (always striving to be thin) and food (restricting). So the jokes weren't funny. My hair thinned out a lot, things didn't feel 'right'. Now I know why, I was going through the menopause. I went on HRT 2 years later which made me balloon up another stone. I felt so crap about myself. Since finding the right regime for me (combined mini pill), and walking more I've lost 2 stone but I still feel pretty crap about myself. I never dress up as I live in a humid climate and there's just no point, same for make up, I wear my glasses everyday and my hair is a long old mess in desperate need of a cut. My skin has become extremely sensitive around the eyes. I wish I had the confidence I had in my early 30s. I felt absolutely fantastic and was often told I'd look good in a bin bag 🙁 I just feel insignificant now. Admittedly when I make the effort I feel nice but making the effort is most of the battle. I'm hoping things will improve when my circumstances change. I suppose I've lost my mojo.

That’s the age range where you lose your fertility, your estrogen drops, and your face/body shows these changes, and subconsciously men aren’t interested anymore…welcome to middle age invisibility!

Its biological but depressing nonetheless.