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Am I horrible for wanting to change my engagement ring?

44 replies

MummyMumMumMummy · 06/12/2023 14:57

For context, I chose my engagement ring, or I suppose we choose it together. About 5 years ago now. When ring discussions first started I explained that my ideal ring would be a coloured stone, something like an emerald or sapphire. DH didn’t like the look of coloured engagement rings so literally said he wouldn’t not pick one with a coloured stone. So we looked at diamonds, went to the store and we picked my ring. When we left the store DH said the ring was slightly out of budget. I said that was fine (semi-relieved as the more I thought about it the more I wasn’t sure I actually liked it that much) so said no more about it, send DH some other rings over a few months and then he proposed, with the ring we chose. I was chuffed at the time with the excitement of the engagement and the fact he even remembered what ring it was! But now we’re years on I can feel a growing regret, I feel awful in the pit of my stomach that I don’t like my ring. I never had the heat to tell DH that it actually wasn’t what I wanted until recently. DH understands front point of view that my taste has changed and that I wanted a colour stone ect and when I made the suggestion that perhaps we can look to change it at our 10 year anniversary he said he no, and that this ring is sentimental.

I agreed it’s sentimental and I would never get rid of the ring, I’d put it up safe and offer it to DD Or DS when the time comes. I still see the sentiment in it, it’s just not my style and I find myself looking at it like it’s just not me.

Am I awful? I feel awful. In one way I think it’s not that big of a deal, it’s a piece of jewellery that I’ve grown out of love with style wise. It’s still sentimental to me though. But on the other hand this is my engagement ring and am I supposed to live the look of it forever? 😩

OP posts:
Crababbles · 06/12/2023 15:01

Just stop wearing it and wear just your wedding ring.

Hullabalooza · 06/12/2023 15:05

Agree with pp, just keep it somewhere safe and ‘retire’ it. After 5 years of marriage I honestly can’t imagine being troubled by this. I don’t even wear my wedding ring any more (thanks pregnancy fingers that never went back!) and I feel like after being married for 10+ years I have other priorities. I think taking his feelings into consideration is fair, perhaps look for an eternity ring, or a ring with a coloured stone for the other hand if you really like that style.

ShennyInfinity · 06/12/2023 15:07

Oh that's a shame but I'm the same to be honest, I wouldn't wear a ring I didn't like.

JaxiiTaxii · 06/12/2023 15:10

Is it just the ring, or is it because it's linked to a memory of your DH being weird over coloured stones in a ring that YOU are expected to wear every day for the rest of your life?

He's still being weird by telling you it's sentimental to you, so you must keep wearing the ring you don't particularly love.

Do you feel he doesn't listen to you in other areas of life?

I get it - I'm not super keen on my engagement ring, it's way too bulky. But my DH tried SO hard to get me something that fitted ALL the things I'd said I liked, that I kind of love it for that reason.
It may also come in handy as a knuckle duster should the need arise.

JaxiiTaxii · 06/12/2023 15:11

Oooh also - I got an eternity ring at 10 years & just wear that with my wedding ring if I feel like it.

Is that an option?

LubaLuca · 06/12/2023 15:14

I never liked my engagement ring so I stopped wearing it as soon as we were married. My husband didn't put much thought into it and I think it was pretty cheap, so he doesn't mind.

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/12/2023 15:16

I'd stop wearing and start wondering when my feelings counted in this relationship.

DaftFlerken · 06/12/2023 15:21

gosh i'm on the other side - I would have to keep wearing it as it's the ring he proposed with so would have huge sentimental value for me. If you didn't like it you should have said straight away & changed it then

DuploTrain · 06/12/2023 15:21

Personally I wouldn’t have married a man who thought his taste was more important than mine on a piece of jewellery that I’m going to be wearing.

I think it’s a bit late to change it now though.. the old one would still be your engagement ring… you would just be getting a new ring.

Just don’t wear it. And buy yourself a lovely new ring would be my advice.

user1492757084 · 06/12/2023 15:23

Leave it as it is but look forward to an eternity ring with coloured stones.

Kinneddar · 06/12/2023 15:26

I'd get an eternity ring. I've never really understood the idea of changing an engagement ring. When you get it, you're engaged. Replacing it 10 years later just makes its replacement a ring.

GodDammitCecil · 06/12/2023 15:27

My Mum never wore her engagement ring, only her wedding ring.

I’d just quietly retire it.

Is this actually symptomatic of other aspects of your relationship? Is your DH dismissive of your needs/wants/preferences? Is he a little bit controlling? Is this kind of what this is actually about?

monsteramunch · 06/12/2023 15:27

DH didn’t like the look of coloured engagement rings so literally said he wouldn’t not pick one with a coloured stone.

This is really, really weird. And selfish.

Possimpible · 06/12/2023 15:28

It's your engagement ring, buying another ring to replace it wouldn't mean it's your engagement ring. It would just be a different ring. To give your husband the benefit of the doubt, some people think an engagement ring should be diamond (I kinda agree) which is why he maybe wanted to avoid coloured stones. I agree that getting an eternity ring of your choosing is the best way forward. I rarely wear my rings though tbh (love them but doesn't work with my lifestyle) so can't imagine getting this worked up about it. Unless it's about something else and you're projecting? Overall how is the relationship?

pictoosh · 06/12/2023 15:31

I can't imagine my husband having any opinion on what jewellery I should have. If I said coloured stone, he'd choose a coloured stone. What's with the refusal? Is it a status thing? Got to be a diamond?

GodDammitCecil · 06/12/2023 15:32

My ideal ring would have been an art deco style ring with an emerald in the middle and two smaller diamonds either side.

My DH also had a preference for a diamond ring (no coloured stones) - I think some people just thinks diamond rings are the real deal when it comes to proposing. And it was his gift to me, him making the effort to buy it, and spending all that money.

We compromised, as I also love emerald cut diamonds, and he went out and found a lovely one, and as such, I love my engagement ring.

So I get that side of it.

But it does sound like there might be more at play here for the OP.

PinkFizz1 · 06/12/2023 15:36

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/12/2023 15:16

I'd stop wearing and start wondering when my feelings counted in this relationship.

Exactly this! I would never marry a man who thought he had the final say in a ring that I would be wearing everyday on my hand for the rest of my life. What a bloody cheek.

Is he controlling in any other ways?!

AnotherVice · 06/12/2023 15:40

My exh proposed with the engagement ring he liked. I should have seen it for the warning it was.

MalagaNights · 06/12/2023 15:43

No you are not horrible. And you don't ahve to change your enegagement ring you can just ask for a new 5th anniversary ring to have as well. Which you get to choose.

I had a new ring for my 10th anniversary (not an eternity style another engagement style but very diffrent from my engagement ring) and I wear it interchangably wth my engagement ring alongside my wedding ring. I probably wear it more than my engagement ring as I love it so much, but my engagement ring has sentimental value.

I'm now getting another new ring for my 25th wedding anniversary! A totally diffrent stone and setting.
I love rings.

CornishPorsche · 06/12/2023 15:44

Have you considered having it remade and adding a stone? Might reduce the sulking.

DuchessOfPort · 06/12/2023 16:27

If it’s a solitaire, choose another coloured stone of similar size and have it remade into a toi-et-moi ring. Sentimental and effective.

LadyBird1973 · 06/12/2023 17:56

"Personally I wouldn’t have married a man who thought his taste was more important than mine on a piece of jewellery that I’m going to be wearing."

This ^

You have a dh problem, as they say. He ought to have bought you what you wanted in the first place. Even now he's telling you what you should like and feel about your ring!

I want to say sell it and pay for a consultation with a divorce lawyer, but since this is unlikely, I'd tell him you want a new ring, that matches your taste and this wouldn't be an issue now if he he had listened in the first place!

But have a think about what he's like in other areas of your life - does he tend to stomp all over your preferences generally?

Jillybloop393 · 06/12/2023 18:06

How about having a new engagement ring made .... but using the stone (and gold) in the new ring? Just add a couple of sapphires/rubies, whatever, to the new ring, bringing in the colour that you want?

FortunataTagnips · 06/12/2023 18:10

I feel quite panicky at the idea of anyone telling me what jewellery to wear. Ultimately, it should be your choice - you shouldn’t have to look at something you don’t like, day in, day out.

Elieza · 06/12/2023 18:11

Retire your old one for a bit.

Buy a cubic zirconia one in a colour you like and wear it instead. Either on that finger or the other hand. Then you’ll know if you really want a new ring or if the idea wears off.

Its your finger. Wear what you want. And if he comes round to the idea let him buy you a real one.