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Am I horrible for wanting to change my engagement ring?

44 replies

MummyMumMumMummy · 06/12/2023 14:57

For context, I chose my engagement ring, or I suppose we choose it together. About 5 years ago now. When ring discussions first started I explained that my ideal ring would be a coloured stone, something like an emerald or sapphire. DH didn’t like the look of coloured engagement rings so literally said he wouldn’t not pick one with a coloured stone. So we looked at diamonds, went to the store and we picked my ring. When we left the store DH said the ring was slightly out of budget. I said that was fine (semi-relieved as the more I thought about it the more I wasn’t sure I actually liked it that much) so said no more about it, send DH some other rings over a few months and then he proposed, with the ring we chose. I was chuffed at the time with the excitement of the engagement and the fact he even remembered what ring it was! But now we’re years on I can feel a growing regret, I feel awful in the pit of my stomach that I don’t like my ring. I never had the heat to tell DH that it actually wasn’t what I wanted until recently. DH understands front point of view that my taste has changed and that I wanted a colour stone ect and when I made the suggestion that perhaps we can look to change it at our 10 year anniversary he said he no, and that this ring is sentimental.

I agreed it’s sentimental and I would never get rid of the ring, I’d put it up safe and offer it to DD Or DS when the time comes. I still see the sentiment in it, it’s just not my style and I find myself looking at it like it’s just not me.

Am I awful? I feel awful. In one way I think it’s not that big of a deal, it’s a piece of jewellery that I’ve grown out of love with style wise. It’s still sentimental to me though. But on the other hand this is my engagement ring and am I supposed to live the look of it forever? 😩

OP posts:
MummyMumMumMummy · 06/12/2023 20:11

Thanks all! We did talk about a coloured stone eternity ring so that could be an option!

RE the controlling ect; no DH is the least controlling person he’s very laid back and not at all selfish - I honestly think he didn’t want to buy me a colour ring because A) he thought it would date easier/diamond is classic. Or B) He wasn’t fussed on the idea of marriage before our first child was born, didn’t really see the point and was happy with the way we were. I wanted a marriage, and especially after DD was born it was more important to me. So I think it may have been a way of trying to stall 😂 We’re very happily married and have no issues in our relationship otherwise🫶

OP posts:
minipie · 06/12/2023 20:17

I think you can (and should) stop wearing it if you don’t like it but I don’t think you can demand a replacement

Why did you choose it in the shop if you didn’t really like it? That was the time to say you really wanted something else.

Imagine it from his perspective- he thought he‘d blown the budget to get you the ring you really wanted and now he finds out you never actually liked it…

Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 20:21

his behaviour over the engagement ring was crap - its unsurprising you don’t want to wear it. Wouldn’t wear it!

fourelementary · 06/12/2023 20:26

It would be weird to try to pretend any new ring was a replacement. It is your engagement ring. End of. But you don’t need to wear it and could easily just get a new ring and wear it in your other hand or get a coloured eternity ring and wear it instead of the engagement ring.
I barely wear my engagement ring even though I adore it, as I’m a nurse and not allowed to wear it to work so just tend to forget about it…

TheOGCCL · 06/12/2023 21:17

This is odd as you knew what you wanted all those years ago and seems like you haven’t changed your tastes. You knew yourself then and you know yourself now.

If I said my ring wasn’t making me happy anymore, my DH would immediately want to know what we could do, he would above all be listening to me. I don’t think you’re being horrible at all.

I do kinda agree with pp though that it probably doesn’t need to be such a thing now, you could just stop wearing it as the wedding band trumps the engagement ring.

neilyoungismyhero · 06/12/2023 21:34

I think your husband is having a tough time here really. He sounds sweet to me; okay, he wanted you to have the traditional diamond which is allegedly a black mark against him but then a little later after having heart failure at the price, he presented it to you. It's a thoughtful, romantic gesture poor sod not a sign that he wants to dominate your world.
I also think an eternity ring is your answer and yes park up your diamond for a bit.

WhichIsItWendy · 06/12/2023 23:12

Whilst I acknowledge he's not controlling, I still think it's weird how invested he is in YOUR jewellery. I wouldn't dream of making my husband wear a ring he doesn't like, it would make me feel uncomfortable. The fact your husband is so hell bent on you not getting a certain type of ring is strange to me and definitely waves a red flag from my perspective.

Does he suggest what your wear clothing wise too? Does he have a strong opinion about how you wear your hair?

Your finger. Your ring. Your choice.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 06/12/2023 23:36

I dont really get this, there seems to be 3 issues here

1.you don't like this ring - that's fine, whether you've never liked it or have just gone off it doesn't matter, just stop wearing it

  1. your husband is emotionally manipulating you - it's not overly clear whether this is the case or this is the way you are interpreting it, either way be wary and have a conversation /get counselling / leave him as necessary.
  1. You appear to be looking for an excuse to buy a new ring - it won't be your engagement ring but if you want a ring buy one.
TizerorFizz · 07/12/2023 11:20

My husband has invested in my jewellery but when we got engaged he didn’t have much of it! So I chose a ring I liked but I’ve changed it for something much nicer. My bigger problem is a pitted white gold wedding ring. Dull too even after several attempts at replating. So changing that too. Not much point in jewellery that doesn’t please you.

KatBurglar · 07/12/2023 11:25

Buy yourself a ring you like and retire the one you don’t.

flapjackfairy · 07/12/2023 11:36

why not buy yourself a second hand ring ? there are lots of ones with coloured stones that are v cheap compared with new as most people have diamond ones as that is the current fashion
An antique centre is a great place to get a bargain . And wear what you want . Personally I love rubies and other coloured stones.

coolkatt · 07/12/2023 16:25

DisforDarkChocolate · 06/12/2023 15:16

I'd stop wearing and start wondering when my feelings counted in this relationship.

exactly this.

mrstea301 · 07/12/2023 16:43

It could be worse - I know someone whose husband proposed with his deceased mothers engagement ring. She accepted and asked if they could change the setting etc. got it all changed, then decided she didn't really like it after all and they went and got a new one.

I just thought it was so sad that she couldn't have made her mind up before totally changing the ring - the husband has sisters who I'm sure would have loved the original!

Sparthan · 07/12/2023 16:48

If you don’t like it, put it away and don’t wear it. I don’t wear mine because my fingers never went small again after pregnancy. I actually weigh less now than I did before pregnancy but my fingers must have grown I suppose. I wear a plain band which isn’t my wedding ring (which also doesn’t fit after being pregnant). DH bought it for me randomly because he felt bad that I didn’t have a ring to wear.

TizerorFizz · 07/12/2023 17:58

@mrstea301 So you know William and Kate? Whose ring did Harry give to Meghan that got changed? It wasn’t new.

MalagaNights · 07/12/2023 18:42

What kind of ring would you like?

Post pics. I love looking at rings!

Coconutter24 · 07/12/2023 19:02

If you don’t like it don’t wear it. If you buy another ring it will just be a ring it won’t be your engagement ring so won’t have the same sentiment. Or if DH doesn’t want to buy you another ring just buy your own and wear it

Cincinnatus · 07/12/2023 19:07

Fuck that. You have to wear it for the rest of your life. It needs to be something you look down on and love every single day. It’s none of his business. Wear your original ering on your right hand. Or never again. Come to r/engagementrings on Reddit - we can help you.

Appleblum · 07/12/2023 20:31

Just buy another ring? I have so many rings from DH and I even but myself rings using his money and tell myself they're from him and they all have sentimental value. 😂

Honestly don't wear my engagement ring much anymore.

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