How to visually appear less of a pushover/ more assertive

[Howdoichangeanamehere]

As the title says. Not sure whether this topic belongs in S&B or Work, and I feel a bit stupid asking this, but here we go.

It appears, I have a bit of a problem of looking too "young" for my age (if you don't come up real close anyway lol) and "too nice" (i.e. like a pushover) that has caused issues with new clients and new hires questioning my professional abilities or constantly trying to make me do their work because they see me as their junior despite me actually being older/more senior. Other people have also pointed this out so it's not just my imagination. I am a confident person despite the way I look but this confidence does not properly project outward apparently and I feel the need to work on that.
I'm currently in the process of changing jobs and I want to appear a bit more my age and professional/mature at the new workplace (I am working on the assertive behavior part - watched countless guides and it turns out I'm actually doing most of these, just maybe I don't really "look the part" as one of my friends has pointed to), and so far I've come up with the following ideas:

• Power poses, trying to take up more physical space (put your hands on the table, not on your knees!);
• Smile less;
• Wear less dresses/skirts/blouses with flower prints/pink colour/feminine stuff, more power suits and trousers, more navy and grey (black washes me out);
• Red lipstick (read somewhere that it helps to look more bold);
• Try to speak more loudly (my voice is naturally very quiet and high);
• Saw someone recommend "Nice girls don't get the corner office" book and planning to read that.

What else can be added to the list?
What kind of people look assertive to you?

I had this problem when I started teaching age 22 - I'm short so I got mistaken for a sixth former. By the end of the first year it never happened any more... then one day at a year 9 sports day I got mistaken for a mum! (Mum of a 13yo aged 23...!)

Things that worked for me:

Wear proper suits. Only boring colours.

Don't wear make up actually- make up on a young face just makes you look even younger like you're borrowing your mum's make up. But have your hair in a sensible updo, so you aren't touching it or flicking it.

End every sentence with an audible full stop. They teach you this at teacher training and it really works. (It works no matter who you're talking to, not just kids). Instead of "please could you do X for me? Thank you..." say "Please could you do X for me. Thank you." Never put question mark sounds at the end of a non-question.

Speak with fewer superfluous words, it makes you sound apologetic. Instead of "well, since you ask, my opinion is xyz..." (trailing off uncertainly) say "Thanks for asking. My opinion is xyz."

One thing that helped me was to channel an animal. A cat for example moves slowly and precisely and with elegance- emulate that. Compare that to a Labrador who is bouncy, nervously excited and fidgety. Slowing your movements down makes you appear more confident and actually helps curb inner anxiety.

Oh wow, thank you so much @Mummymummy89 and @walkingintothefuture , this is really helpful!

Re updos, I have actually really long hair and I always wear it loose or braid it/ put a small ribbon on it (I love feminine stuff), maybe I should stick to keeping my hair in a sleek ponytail or just clip it up.
Gotta think of what animal I want to channel, I kind of feel like I need to choose something like a shark 😂

There you go! This video is also helpful: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=06qk0mxg3GA&pp=ygUZbWVsIHJvYmJpbnMgYm9keSBsYW5ndWFnZQ%3D%3D

First thing that springs to mind is Dynasty from the 80s... Suits with huge shoulder pads, stilettos, stockings and suspenders and hair that's held in place with ozone layer killing amounts of hair spray. 🤣

"The Power Suit" was a thing, I think anyway.

Maybe a sharp more tailored fitting suit, but no stilettos, maybe nice brogues or lower heel?

Something that makes you feel how you want to feel will help put forward that onto others. Iyswim.

I used to have this problem too and I’m afraid it comes down to mainly men just not taking women seriously in the workplace. Ie it’s not you it’s them. I tried the dressing more formally but you just get feedback that you need to put more effort into your presentation (wear a scarf?)
One of the women in my work sphere who had the management team hanging on every word wore skirt suits with thigh splits and drove a sports car. So very womanly but not girly. They couldn’t get enough of her.
I hope the workplace has changed massively in the last 20 years but I suspect it hasn’t.

I'm just thinking of a colleague at work who is very young (and looks it, and acts it, and doesn't get much respect from students/colleagues) - for a list of "don'ts".

Nb I'm not saying you would do any of these things, op! Just what I've seen some of my other younger colleagues do, and one in particular I have in mind.

Don't interrupt people. This is a classic young person in the office thing (not all ofc ofc). Wait till you have something sensible to say, choose the right moment (eg your opinion is being asked directly) and say it.

Don't join in conversations unnecessarily, if one is happening near you. Just listen and carry on working, unless you have something vital to say like information only you have.

Smiling is fine but don't giggle.

Don't speak differently to men and women - you'd be amazed how much I've seen this with young colleagues. Similarly, don't flirt. Even if they flirt with you first. Just smile serenely and remain professional.

Don't announce your entrance with a sudden flow of talk as soon as you arrive at work. "Hi everyone! Omg my train was so delayed because of xyz, did you see abc on the news..." - I must admit I'm still sometimes guilty of this one!

I had this issue when I first started work. One client asked how long I had been doing the job, I inferred he thought he had got someone in their first day of work.

By a funny life coincidence, I found myself in the same exact room, conference and situation 2 years later, just a different client. They did did not ask how long I had been in the job and I realised I had changed.

Some of my changes were physical, some mental. Originally, I wore suit skirts and suit dresses (suit environment) with coloured or fashionable tops. I worse makeup and jewelery, heels - I liked nice. After 2 years I was more tired by the job and life, so some of the makeup had gone, and my clothes were more neutral, than fashionable. Still nice to me, but less girly. I had long hair, but didn’t style it every day anymore to something feminine (even a ponytail) - back in a bun or chignon.

I also had/have a light voice - I made sure to speak less, but with authority, never raise my tone at the end of a sentence (sounds like you
are unsure/a question), and to be less friendly/helpful around work colleagues. You still want to be a good worker, but you need to shed the juvenile vibe. As someone said - think less bouncy puppy, keen to help.

I’d recommend just WATCHING office dynamics too. Watch and try and find and see how they treat another young person, and then an older person, or someone you’d like to be treated like. Hopefully you’ll see the mannerisms that make someone seem young, inexperienced and like they can be walked over abit.

20 years on, I now do everything I stopped doing - I wear heels again, red lipstick and my long hair out or in ponytails whenever I want. My experience comes out in my tone and probably
my wrinkles and greying hair! But I can dress however I want. But I look and see the same for young girls (or even not so young girls) coming through and see it’s still the same

Thank you all so much, this is so insightful! I might be guilty of giggling and liking small talk (just generally a cheerful personality I guess), looks like I need to appear more serious.

This is interesting @narniabusiness , the woman you described made me think of Dr. Lisa Cuddy from the House series for some reason, 100% womanly and 0% girly

Red lipstick (read somewhere that it helps to look more bold)
The general make-up rule is either eyes or lips (or used to be, in my day).
Lips say sensuous; eyes say intelligence.
Go for "don't mess with me" eyes.

What is your colouring? I think that makes a difference too. The ultimate person, physically, to be taken seriously would have strong colouring, be tall etc. So maybe think about slightly darker eyebrows and eyelashes. I do think generally that most senior women wear a little makeup as part of a professional look.

In response you your comment about your hair: Ah. If I remember rightly there’s a chapter in the Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office that talks about a woman with waist length hair. It’s sad, and it shouldn’t be this way, but I think the author is correct that people won’t take you as seriously with 9-year old princess hair.

I found that I got a lot more respect when I cropped my hair short and started wearing heavy glasses. Probably because I looked less feminine and girly. I also switched to a more masculine style of clothing - no skirts, dresses or high heels unless I was “dressed up”. No florals or pastels. It’s ridiculous that we have to do this to be taken seriously, but basically if you’re more like a man you get more respect.

Personally I'd lose the braid and ribbons in hair, but wouldn't go for statement makeup or power stances.

There's no need to change yourself substantially, more have the confidence to embrace this is who you are and show the best version of you. If you're naturally soft spoken and friendly, trying not to smile will feel wrong and come across wrong. Whereas someone who (though a very nice person) has a more naturally resting bitch face will come across authentically, but would probably come across fake if they tried to put a smiley persona on.

If you like things that are feminine, you might like some blouses in softer materials with feminine details rather than very crisp shirts for example.

I started a new job in a new field and found a small amount of make up, hair styled, simple colour palette in my outfit and good blazers, jackets, coats looked low-key put together. Because I felt comfortable in myself, that carried into the interactions.

I wore loads of blazers when I was put in charge of a team in a new organisation at 29 and was a bit self-conscious about two of the team being very well qualified and the same age as me. To this day I have no idea why they gave me, a newbie, that job and not one of them. The blazers didn't make me any better at managing them. I think the biggest change you can make is more assertive language - stuff like "good spot!" rather than "aaargh sorry!" when you made a mistake.

Yes to Dr Lisa. That’s the vibe she had.

Lots of valuable advice, taking notes.

@Cheeesus I've tried to search for an example for reference, I think I look kind of similar to the girl on the pic attached (although she's about 15 years younger than me - I'm mid 30s). Similar in terms of babyish features, innocent/naive look, slim build, spring seasonal palette. Add to this really long blonde/ strawberry blonde hair (my natural hair colour), light voice and preference to feminine clothing in shades of cream/pastels/pink, and you'll get the picture.

It was a bit funny in the past when a new guy (younger than me by several years) would think I'm a recent graduate and ask me to copy documents for him, we would just laugh it off. I was okay when clients would discreetly ask me when I graduated, how long I'd been in the industry - I get it.
However sometimes it gets a little bit overboard, like my new manager for example was extremely surprised by my recent promotion, saying he's never heard of anyone this young of holding this job title - I told him my actual age and he looked shocked. Nevertheless he still proceeded on asking me to do only the tasks that the most junior staff would typically do and making a much younger (also new) guy several pay bands below me take over my job, and it was one of the reasons I started to look for a new place.
You can encounter toxic people anywhere but I hope to improve my visual image in the right way to decrease the possibility of being undermined again - at least for the "age" reasons. You can't prevent everything but you can make an effort to appear in a different way at least.

I’m famously assertive looking. Ok some people think I’m an aggressive cow but having a resting bitch face has always done me favours!!

1. stand tall. Go to Pilates if you have a poor posture
2. speak low and slow
3. Bright red suit. Massive confidence booster and every time I’ve worn one to a job interview I’ve nailed it.
4. own your space.
5. tailored not flowery.
6. No question mark type infection or any dithery language. If you do t know something no waffling, just a brisk I’ll get back you you or something equally unapologetic.

I’m rubbish at this kind of thing too but I’m now in my early 40s and want to kick my career up a gear. I’m trying to make small changes and a big thing for me, daft as it sounds, is practicing my posture.

I’ve been a “head down, look at the ground” kind of person most of my life so I’m literally practicing improving my posture to project confidence, even if I don’t feel it.

So it’s head up, look straight ahead, shoulders back, tits out (not literally 😜), core engaged and tail bone tucked under. It really does work wonders for your self esteem!

Clothing wise I’m slowly trying to switch to good quality basics, nothing too out there whilst still being flattering and appropriate.

I have done dancing in the past (still do occasionally) so it's definitely not the posture problem (I think someone at the workplace even told me before that I have a great posture and I felt quite flattered).

I'm a bit scared to try on a red suit, but I guess it's time to get out of my comfort zone

I think the feminine vs girly thing is really important. "Girly" clothes are intrinsically casual and not appropriate in the workplace. That doesn't mean you can't wear dresses or make up or have your hair nice. It means instead of a ribbon, use grown up pins to tie your hair back. it means floaty tea dresses are replaced with more structured, formal dresses. You can still add a pretty scarf, or jewellery you like, but you need to see work clothes as separate and different to clothes you wear when you're not at work.

Sometimes I think this is where men, with their suits and ties or chinos and collared shirts as a "uniform" really benefit. There's less choice so they put on the smart or casual uniform, as appropriate for their specific workplace, with no blurring of lines between their shorts and a t-shirt from the weekend.

It is perfectly reasonable to have a work wardrobe you love and that defines you that is nonetheless completely different to the wardrobe you love and that defines you that you wear outside of work. I go into the city at most once a month now, but I still have a small selection of clothes that I only wear for those purposes.

My first thought was to wear red. Maybe not a whole suit but perhaps a blouse. Red is a famously assertive colour.

Perhaps you could compartmentalise your work look - like a uniform - and retain your true style for out of the office.

(As an aside and I'm certainly not advocating anyone dyeing their hair if they don't want to but many years ago we had a lovly blonde Aussie temp at work who went travelling. When she came back she was brunette and the difference in how she was treated - much more seriously- was extraordinary. It's a bloody shame!)

Just another thought to add - it's really not particularly what you wear or what you look like, but how you speak that matters more. In particular choosing your moment, not interrupting, confident inflections, and having sensible stuff to say.

I've noticed in your responses you're focusing more on clothing, hair etc (I suppose because they feel more in your control) but they really aren't as important imo.

Agree with the idea that feminine and girly being different is a key point.

I think PP is right that sometimes workwear for women in some environments can stray more casual than men's because menswear tends to have a bigger dividing line between smart/smart casual and very casual.

A core mix and match range of workwear that has feminine features to suit your style that work with an overall professional style language might work well. Think less pastel floral soft flowing dresses and more wide leg trousers in a nice fabric with a blouse that has a nod to your love of pastel and feminine.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the advice! Agree that the behavior part is the most important. If you go by some "how to assertive in the office", "how to deal with office bullies" sort of guides I found on YouTube, it seems like I've already got many things right, but I've got some more ideas on what I could change from upthread. I'm also going to read that "Nice girls..." book and see the podcast someone recommended