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Original poster

Appearance-This might sound ridiculous..

49 replies

bronte83 · 01/04/2023 17:31

This might sound ridiculous and in the current climate completely unimportant, but how do mums manage to look half decent? I have an almost 3 year old, who I look after and I pretty much make zero effort with my appearance. I just don’t have time. I see women with children and they are dressed nicely, hair washed and I’m in my worse clothes, greasy hair and no makeup. My little boy gets up around 6-6.30am and demands my attention from then on. I feel bad showering when he’s having breakfast, as I don’t want him to be sat on his own and by the evening when he’s in bed, I’m too knackered and can’t be bothered to have one! If I put on nice clothes he ruins them, I don’t really wear that much makeup, but I can’t even do that as he wants to ‘help’ me put it on or wants to put it on himself. So every day I end up putting on the same old, oversized leggings and jumper, scraping my hair back and giving up! I don’t particularly feel good about myself, but am I just being vain or should I find some elusive time to make more effort?!

OP posts:
MaryKateDanaher · 01/04/2023 17:35

You are not being vain. Your appearance is so tied up to your sense of well-being, it needs to be prioritised. I'm exactly the same: I was just about to post on here myself. I'm 42, a single mum to a 5 year old, and I have a date in the next month after two years of being single and letting myself go. 😂 I've come on here for tips!

The first thing I'm going to do is book a haircut & have my eyebrows done. Where do you think you you could start? A small change would do you the world of good. Do you have time and/or money to get your nails done/eyebrows?

JaneJeffer · 01/04/2023 17:38

Can you let him sit in the bathroom with a book or toy while you're in the shower?

mynameiscalypso · 01/04/2023 17:40

I have a three year old too and I just make time. I shower/have a bath in the evening which helps but I just make it a non-negotiable to get dressed, vaguely do my hair and put a bit of make up on every day. The novelty has soon worn off for my DS and I tend to potter around getting ready while he has is breakfast. I'm probably a bit vain but I feel so much better about myself if I look presentable.

tillyoumakeit · 01/04/2023 17:41

Your DS can just sit in the bathroom with you while you shower - build it into your morning routine. Get up, have breakfast, shower, teeth brushed, get dressed etc. Get some books/toys and lock him in the bathroom with you. If he gets a bit grumpy about it - that's ok. You don't have to do what he wants all the time even if he's being demanding. It's ok to take care of yourself as well. It's good for him to see you doing things for you 🙂

quietnightmare · 01/04/2023 17:43

Hair
Dry shampoo always use dry shampoo that works a dream

Face
Get your eyelashes and eyebrows done so no need for make up and just wear some tinted moisturiser it will take 30 seconds for a natural glow

Clear ligloss or Vaseline or chapstick

Clothes
The put together hobo look is in!

  • leggings - 1 black and 1 grey and 1 navy and 1 brown
  • Oversized shirt /oversized jumper/over sized t- shit - 1 black and 1 grey and 1 navy and 1 brown
Mix and match the above outfits - dark ish colour so don't show the mess from your child All can be found for about £3 on Vinted

Shoes
Crisp and white go with everything - trainers/daps/converse whatever you prefer and a BAG a standard run of the Mill but plain bag

Coat/jacket
Get one or two in any of the colours above

Jewellery
Stud earrings and a nice chain/necklace and if you can stretch to a watch too that you can keep on so no need to rush around in the morning putting them on

Get all the above and you will look out together.

Original poster
bronte83 · 01/04/2023 17:43

Hi,
That’s great you’ve got a date and very exciting, sometimes having something or someone to make the effort for, can push you to make that time for yourself. I’m married and my husband always says how nice I look (even when I look like crap) but that just makes me feel worse! I can afford to have my hair done and nails, but that doesn’t seem to help me make an effort, maybe I’m just in a bit of a slump at the moment! Good luck on your date and enjoy it!!

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 01/04/2023 17:45

He’s almost three years old. Even having a smaller baby I don’t like this martyr attitude of ‘oh I can’t even take a shit because I have to be available to my child 24/7.’ Just say ‘Jack mummy’s having a shower now.’ If you want to wear makeup and he wants to ‘help’ then react the same as you would if he wanted to ‘help’ fry the eggs for breakfast. ‘No, this is for mum to do, move away.’ And as for him messing up every item of your clothes every day, how is that happening? I know on mumsnet every mum leaves for the school run with porridge in their hair, dirt on every item of clothing, and shit smeared across their face, but realistically what mess is he making of your clothes to the point you can’t even wear neat clothing?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2023 17:46

I just don’t have time.

Yes, you do. You honestly do. You just have to make a system that works for you. Keep your make-up in the kitchen if that's the easiest place for you to do a quick routine while watching your son.

As for having a shower, proper hygiene is important and you are setting an example for your child. When he goes to bed, you have a quick shower, every day.

Kanaloa · 01/04/2023 17:46

Basically I think the answer is to just not martyr yourself. Don’t ‘feel bad’ and bow to your child having to have your attention 24/7. Demand time for yourself. Presumably your husband manages to shower and wear clean clothes? No reason why you should not.

WeWereInParis · 01/04/2023 17:49

Why can't your DH watch him while you have a quick shower in the morning?

And just don't let him help with your make up if you want to wear it! Give him an old make up brush and let him brush his face with it.

specialklady · 01/04/2023 17:50

I think it sounds like you've got too used to making zero effort, so now any effort feels like a hardship. Your child must be quite chilled because I see having a shower as a break from my toddler DS!
I think you'd find you would feel so much better if you had a shower and out a bit of mascara on, and as PPs have said it's very much linked to your mental well being.

WombatBombat · 01/04/2023 17:54

My son is 2 & I’ll have a quick shower in the morning while he’s playing in his room. I normally take him some dry Cheerios & blueberries, and he’ll snack & play while I shower and get ready. Longer hair wash days are in the evening.

I have short hair which makes it quicker and easier to style. I usually wear a CC cream or tinted moisturiser, bit of blush, eyebrow powder and curl my eyelashes, which takes 5 mins.

The athleisure look is still in & Vinted is definitely a great place to look, as PP said. Also a flattering pair of high waisted jeans & a sweatshirt or boxy cropped jumper is pretty easy to pull together.

SparkyBlue · 01/04/2023 17:55

Why are you feeling bad showering. I'd stick mine in front of the telly when I needed a shower. I totally empathise and I know some children are definitely more work than others but no way would I go without a shower and clean clothes . You can get some nice casual clothes in primark that don't cost a fortune and I love dresses with tights and flat or chunky boots in the winter. No big effort but it can look put together. Wash and blow dry your hair at night and just run the straighteners through your hair (if you have straight hair) the following day. I know it's easy to loose your way clothes wise after children as your shape can change so I know I often wasn't sure what suited me anymore.

LividNC · 01/04/2023 17:55

You just have to do it.

Mine is similar age and I’ve just become single.

He now watches “train videos” on my phone curled up outside the shower at 5.30am. Probably sucks at motherhood but I’m not going to not shower.

cocksstrideintheevening · 01/04/2023 17:55

You have a three year old, not a three day old. Why can't you do what you want to make you feel better?

SaltyDogLife · 01/04/2023 17:57

I used to wake up earlier or put them in the bathroom with me with a toy or something. I'd put a bath towel or rug for them to sit safely. When they were very little they would be in a bouncy chair or even car seat when tiny in the bathroom, I would leave the door and window if appropriate open so it's not too steamy and I would speak to them. Another thing if you're not sweaty and it's winter is to shower in the evening if you can't in the morning. Simplify your hairstyle and make up. I used screens to distract them while I get ready. I bought outfits that fit me well and I rotated them. I feel better when I'm clean and dressed nicely. When I neglect these things it's one of my signs that my mental health is slipping.

mackthepony · 01/04/2023 17:57

Is he at nursery??

mistermagpie · 01/04/2023 17:58

I kind of think it depends how much you care, if you really cared about doing your hair and makeup and all that then you would do it.

I have a 3, 6 and 7 year old, have to get the older two to school of a morning obviously and the youngest is the same age as yours and I do my hair and full makeup every day. It makes me feel more like me and more in control somehow, it's not vanity - I'm not out there trying to look hot or anything!

It's ok to prioritise yourself. My three year old potters about with her toys or colouring or (gasp) watches tv while I get ready. You just have to make time for yourself.

Side note - I also think it's important for kids to learn that you're not at their beck and call all the live long day and that sometimes you are doing something else and they need to occupy themselves. Obviously not a tiny baby, but three is old enough to learn this.

neilyoungismyhero · 01/04/2023 18:08

I had 2 children one just 3 and the other a baby. I had to walk a couple of miles to shop with them both in the pram..uphill coming home - with the shopping in the bottom tray and on the handlebars. I then went off to work in the evening for a welcome 5 or so hours..4 times a week...I glammed up all the time. My house was clean and tidy as were my children. My husband had a meal ready most nights when he got home from work. We went walking with the dog we visited the grandparents who lived walking distance and when the kids were older they went to playgroup. I never went without make up. I lived in t shirts and levis but looked good. I sometimes wonder how some mothers now would have coped all those years ago.

JaneJeffer · 01/04/2023 18:10

neilyoungismyhero · 01/04/2023 18:08

I had 2 children one just 3 and the other a baby. I had to walk a couple of miles to shop with them both in the pram..uphill coming home - with the shopping in the bottom tray and on the handlebars. I then went off to work in the evening for a welcome 5 or so hours..4 times a week...I glammed up all the time. My house was clean and tidy as were my children. My husband had a meal ready most nights when he got home from work. We went walking with the dog we visited the grandparents who lived walking distance and when the kids were older they went to playgroup. I never went without make up. I lived in t shirts and levis but looked good. I sometimes wonder how some mothers now would have coped all those years ago.

And this information helps the OP how?

CindersAgain · 01/04/2023 18:13

You need ‘good’ scruffs.

I mean enough casual, comfy clothes that you can wear without effort but that look kind of ok. So that might be jeans that suit you and a top in a colour that suits you and fits well and trainers that are your style and not muddy.
Hair - I used to end up washing it at the sink sometimes in the middle of the day. Just get it washed and wait until it’s almost dry and then spend a couple of minutes drying it.

Ponderoveryonder · 01/04/2023 18:19

It’s your feelings about this that are the problem to an extent. It’s very important for children to see adults modelling self care.
Fit a high bathroom mirrrored medicine cupboard . Keep your products in it, give him floor toys to play with while you’re glamming.

PinkSyCo · 01/04/2023 18:21

You have one child and you don’t have time/are too tired to have a shower? Come on now, how do you think that single women with jobs and 2 or more kids manage? Your child is old enough to amuse himself for 10 minutes.

SaltyDogLife · 01/04/2023 18:24

I wonder if you're depressed or have an all or nothing mentality because you talk about getting hair and nail done but you're not even managing washing your hair. You don't have the time to look as done up as you used to before your child but you can raise the bar than the not showering! You'll feel better for it.

CrumpetsandJammmm · 01/04/2023 18:25

It’s one of those things that isn’t too hard to find the time if you want to do it, and it sounds like you’d prefer to have ten mins to put more together?

Agree a lot on getting nicer “scruffs”. When my DC were really young I had a sort of uniform, made sure I had a selection of jeans and sweaters that looked ok together and I felt good in, so I could throw any clothes from the wardrobe on without thinking and still feel ok. Most came from charity shops, because as I wasn’t working at the time I had the time to potter around them regularly and find good bargains.

Putting your DC on the bed with the tablet for ten minutes so you can shower in the morning isn’t bad parenting. You’re allowed to wash! Get a haircut that works tied up or without much styling in the morning. Then, if you like wearing make up, it takes 5 minutes to put on mascara, foundation and blusher and feel better.

I’m not averse to going out without makeup or nice hair if there’s no time but generally, I’ll find 20 minutes in the morning to make myself look and FEEL ok about myself.

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