Trying to accept not looking like myself - please be kind

[relyingonthekindnessofstrangers]

Hi there

I've name changed- been on Mumsnet right from the start. I found this wonderful website when I was in my early 30s with young babies and toddlers.

My children are all grown up now and have fled the nest. They are working in the UK, 7,000 miles away. I'm fine with this -they have their lives and are visiting again after bloody covid kept us apart for 2 years. I have a full time job which is demanding and keeps me busy and I am proud of what I do. I like to dress nicely and try to make the best of myself. I don't have a perfect figure but have found my style.

So what's the problem? It's my fucking face. When I wake up in the morning and look at how it's changing, it makes me feel like shit. It's just collapsing. I wear foundation, blush, mascara and lipstick - not a lot - but increasingly I just feel like I'm wasting my time as I don't really look much better afterwards. Plus I'm pissed off that my natural self is deteriorating so quickly.

I think I'm just struggling with the massive changes that I'm seeing in the mirror. Turkey neck, wrinkles, bags etc. Does anyone have any advice to help me accept this. I know I sound shallow but I'm not.

Thank you for listening and helping.

I certainly didn't mean to minimise the OPs distress, I was talking about how I cope. Goodness, I'll back out now 😢

It’s hard. I have 2 beautiful teenage daughters so youthfulness is always staring me in the face!!

I’ve got frontal Alopecia so have lost inches of hair and have a receding hairline. Lost most of my eyebrows too. I was coping with it though - in a way - trying to live with a positive attitude (it could be worse, right?).

But then these horrible red spider veins started to appear on my face and that’s tipped me over the edge! All my positive energy has just sort of evaporated! (However, I’m hoping to get them removed soon.)

OP, it sounds like you have a lot of good things going in your life and you said you’ve found your own clothing style, which is great!

I’m fortunate in a way that I don’t have any other health conditions so I try and focus on that. I’m slowly losing weight and working on my fitness so at least I can feel good about my body - and hide my face behind a big hat and sunglasses!!!

I totally sympathise. My confidence has disappeared while jowls have appeared and I've stopped going out, hide behind a face mask and have even considered a facelift that I can't afford. I've always been quite plain so it's bothering me how much this bothers me, IYSWIM.

I smile when I look in the mirror, I still look my age but happier and a bit less wrinkled.

Ah come back Pelligrino, I see where you’re coming from now.

To be honest the whole thing has been very confusing and frustrating for me. As in: the cancer seems to have been caught in time, I can get on with my life and recovery, so why do I feel like I’m somehow worth less because I’m alive to go through a natural biological process?

It’s been crazy-making and tbh I’m very jealous of you that your process has been simpler!

I understood what you were saying - please don’t feel that you have to leave the thread.

I am in the same position op! Just about to hit 49 and have recently lost a significant amount of weight. Until a year ago I didn’t look my age facially thanks to being quite fat. All of a sudden with weight loss and time catching up - I have aged. I want to try Botox and profilo but really can’t afford it.

Understand completely!
I have been very ill and frankly lucky to be alive! But I get where you're coming from - do I really need to spend the rest of my life looking like this? I'm fighting back but at the moment feels like I'm losing the battle 😧

It’s because you sound like you’re trying to shut op down by a sort of moral high ground. The thing is for all you know op of her loved ones could have cancer of a serious health condition. I have had these flippant comments at work because I’m a make up lover and hate how awful my face looks in the morning. It’s generally through lack of sleep because I’m worrying about my partner who has metastatic cancer and I like to convince my brain via makeup that it’s all ok.

Nothing wrong with feeling a bit meh about growing older especially when you feel like you always did!
as others have suggested , look into a new hairstyle or colour?
May e a bit of Botox if that’s your thing.
Hannah Martin on instagram is great for make up ideas .

As I've explained that's not what I was doing. I'm very sorry about your husband 💐

I didn't accept it. Call me shallow, but when I got unhappy at 50 because my outside no longer matched my inside, I decided I'd hold the line a bit longer.
I lost 2 stone and now have a really good figure, which means I don't have to faff about trying to disguise or flatter a shape I don't like.
I spend a lot on hair. For me it's way more important than clothes as I wear it every day.
Facially, I've one step at a time subtly 'renovated' the things that bothered me. Weight loss dealt with jowels and a thread lift with the loose skin left over. Botox for my deep 11s and a little cheek filler to replace lost volume. Excellent skincare regime and good diet has improved my skin texture. Its very subtle as I've never tried to enhance, merely to correct and now I'm happy with what i see in the mirror.
No doubt I should gracefully slip into a percieved invisibility, loving myself for who I am, 'making way for the young' and being grateful not to be dead, but I obviously lack the moral fibre! 😊

Polo necks are your friend. I look pretty good for my age but my neck is just scary.

My mother died in her 40s, so I view getting older as a luxury, not a right. I am now older than my own mother and although thankful I am alive, am still concerned about my changing appearance and the visible signs of ageing.

I feel the same. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself walking by a mirror and nearly give myself a heart attack. I feel saggy, baggy and haggy and I hate it.

You don’t sound shallow. What you’re feeling is felt in some way by increasingly younger and younger women (men too) as getting some kind of work done is so ubiquitous now. I have to remind myself of this, and that photos are often filtered.
I have found it helpful to identify exactly what it is that makes me feel least confident. E.g. I have dry skin which is ageing as my wrinkles are more set in and it looks dull but I find I feel much worse about it at times when I haven’t been drinking lots of water or eating crap or both. I also treated myself to a hydrafacial not so long ago which didn’t break the bank actually (esp. with an offer) and made me feel a million dollars for a few weeks so it was money well spent. I don’t get my nails done now as they look fine without any salon visits and intend to have another facial in a couple of months. The therapists can advise the best treatments for particular areas causing a lack of confidence.
I also think women who rock silk scarves as part of a basic but classic capsule wardrobe look effortlessly stylish and fabulous.
But I agree with the sentiment that nothing is as attractive as as a mix of kindness, intelligence, humour etc…

Don't be a twat.

Exercise is the best rejuvinator I know, especially working out with weights/dumbbells. Try Caroline Girvan (excellent but challenging) and/or Growingannanas (HIIT, less brutal but also excellent) on YouTube.

When my nana was in her 90s she said to me that when she was in her 70s she thought she looked like an old bag, but looking back from her 90s she looked great 😆 so I guess it depends where you are looking from. Looking back when you are 70 you will think you looked fabulous now.

I agree with trying to make the best of yourself, lots of rest and relaxation if you can. Perhaps a touch of botox in your 50s? I do body balance every morning and try to eat healthily with occasional splurges as after all you only live once.

Weight loss dealt with jowels and a thread lift with the loose skin left over. Botox for my deep 11s and a little cheek filler to replace lost volume. Excellent skincare regime and good diet has improved my skin texture. Its very subtle as I've never tried to enhance, merely to correct and now I'm happy with what i see in the mirror.

Agree with this, sometimes only direct action is the answer.

No doubt I should gracefully slip into a percieved invisibility, loving myself for who I am, 'making way for the young' and being grateful not to be dead, but I obviously lack the moral fibre! 😊

Me too! 😂

Agree with this, second Growingannanas.

Jeez, some people have been quick to judge you, @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor . Just wanted to let you know, not everyone. I understood what you meant.

I remember sitting in a chair at the hairdressers and the sun was cruelly shining in. I looked in the mirror and my Aunt's face! Don't mean to be rude but I do not look like her. My face is fuller and my lips are not so thin. Blimey I aged!!

Was a relief when I got home and am still a fat face!!!

I deffo need make up though as my lashes are light (I have brown hair - over the greys!), also got paler but noticeable sun patches, but considering my age I do not have many wrinkles (thanks to being a fat face). There are times when I look a bit shit and other times when I think I do not look so bad. I try to look smartish in dress but never a fashion icon.

Now I feel really inspired and determined by this! Thank you! Going to follow suit!

OP, ageing is natural. I bet you don't judge your friends and family for getting visibly older.
Be kinder to yourself.