Anyone else want to moan about being stuck in a rut?

[Whathappenedto]

Hi,
It's a long one, sorry!

I've changed my name because this is just me ranting on about clothes and it feels really disconnected to anything else I have posted about, and I am wierdly embarrassed about feeling like this...

I avidly follow the threads where people ask about getting their style back in their late 30s/40s/50s etc after having kids, or letting style and fashion fall by the wayside for whatever reason. Because I am in the same boat. I'm 39, 3 kids under 5, my body is fine, my hair is fine, my clothes are... awful. When I was younger I had a very strong sense of my own style, and looking back at pictures, I didn't always look great I guess, but I felt good about myself.

Now, I just feel rubbish in everything. Most of my clothes are shabby, tired, worn out. The mini dresses I used to wear suddenly seem indecent on me; my high waisted jeans that I loved because they go with all my slightly cropped tops and jumpers now just serve to emphasise my C-section paunch and look dowdy and saggy and tight in the wrong places and they all have holes in the knees; all my t-shirts are worn through and holey; jumpers are moth eaten; the knicker drawer is a crime scene. Clothes that felt right for me over the past few years suddenly just seem awful and embarrassing - my (accidental) current look is a dowdy version of a nineties hippy countryside mum who exclusively dresses from car boot sales. This would be a great look, I reckon, if I could carry it off, but I just can't. I'm too old, my face is funny looking, I have shit glasses, my hair frizzes up with post-partum baby hairs at the front and I don't wear make up.
It doesn't help that my kids are mostly at the stage where I will in all likelihood get banana mushed into my clothes at some point in the day. So, there's also not much point dressing in stuff that matters. I go to the office 3 days a week and this is where I am really struggling as I am such a mess and whilst I don't need to look smart, I need to look like an adult human who didn't get dressed in the dark from the laundry pile/ mutton dressed as lamb.
I don't have the time, energy or budget to shop, and because it's really important to me to buy second hand this is even more of a time suck. And, I don't know what I want- so I can't really look for it. When I do get stuff from Vinted, Ebay, Depop, it's rarely what I imagined it would be, the fabric is often not as described- I like natural fabrics because I get hot and want clothes to be breathable- and the fit is so random that I often end up just donating it to charity or selling it on.
I absolutely do not want to do my colours or go to a John Lewis personal shopper, I just wanted to have a moan, and to maybe see if anyone else wanted to also have a moan! Thank you for reading and sorry for boring on.

But, if anyone has any magic tips for totally revitalising their wardrobe, I am all ears.

Is there anything you own that does make you feel good? I was going to suggest you got rid of what you hate but that may end up with you naked so not a good idea! I do understand, I felt like this a few years ago but decided to take myself in hand, and it's cheered me up a lot. I have a fairly shit life and dressing to make me happy helps a lot. X

Thanks for responding! Haha yes, I should do a clear out but there is that risk!
I know what you mean, I think if you can feel happy and confident in what you are wearing it can make a real difference when life feels overwhelming.

I do have a few things I like, but they don't look right on me any more. Maybe that's a mindset thing? I think changes in fashion are so insidious and even if you think you are immune to it, things like new trouser shapes creep up on you.

The first thing that jumped out at me (well apart from describing yourself as mutton but let's park that ) is that you have 3 children under 5 plus a part time job but will only buy second hand. I applaud you but hell, as you say yourself, that's a massive time suck on a life that already sounds pretty full on. If it's non-negotiable then fair enough, scroll on by this post. I do get it by the way - I buy about 75-80% second hand myself but I only went back to it once I no longer had child or family care commitments, and I'd never commit to 100%. I agree with you about Vinted and the like - not a fan.

The other thing I'd say is to start with something you're going to enjoy. For me, that's always clothes but for others it might be a new haircut or skin care regime or underwear or lipstick. Because your life is very full and style can be a long haul with lots of mistakes along the way and when time is so very precious, I think this has got to be fun.

How about getting a look for the Office days first, new undies, and a couple of things to perk you up, a new Lippy etc.

a friend of mine was always into dresses, you pop it on, add a cardigan if needed and tights, and off you trot. I’ve really gotten into this. I love White Stuff clothes, found a couple of dresses that really suit my figure, and are stretchy so that’s and additional plus for me. They repeat the styles in every changing fabrics, I sometimes baulk at the price but there’s often money off and sales. I’ve over twenty dresses now and love them all.

OP I can relate to much of your post.

I’m 40 and am going through a bit of a don’t like anything / nothing looks quite right phase. I’m 5”7 size 10 so not got a bad figure or anything, but feel like I struggle to find the balance between frumpy / too young.

I also really loved & suited the smart dress and heels look in the past, but I now WFH full time, and even for my rare London office days no one dresses like that anymore, so I feel like my identity has gone in a way.

I have a young child too so limited time for fashion experiments etc!

I’ve very recently got rid of like 80% of my massive wardrobe and I’m starting again.

As a start point I’m finding adopting a kind of “uniform” helpful, so for me that’s leggings/fitted joggers/slim jeans with either colourful Hoff trainers or high tops and an oversized jumper. It suits me, works for my lifestyle and keeps me warm for WFH in my cold house!

Now my wardrobe is a lot emptier I’m really thinking long & hard about what I actually need. And anything I do buy, I have to love and know without doubt when & how I will wear it.

I’ve also had my hair professionally dyed for the first time ever, with highlights to blend out my greys and I’m feeling much more confident about my overall look

No suggestions, just solidarity! I feel like my figure has just about recovered from having DD, and all my clothes are either tatty or 4-5 years out of date. That doesn’t sound like much, but things seem to have moved on. But I don’t understand or really like what they’ve moved on to! I was a big fan of gently fitted clothes, v-neck fitted jumpers, knee length dresses with waists etc., but they don’t seem to be a Thing any more.

I don’t have time to shop in person, online shopping is a pain. I suppose it’s better the environment if I just wear my existing clothes until they fall apart, but it’s hard to get excited about getting dressed up any more. I feel I’m slipping into a rut.

If you can get childcare book into the opticians and get eye test and new glasses ordered. You should really look after your eyes!

Frizz is easily minimised by spending £2 or £3 in Savers.

I also don't understand where fashion has gone so can't help there 😁

44 and struggling too. Size 8 and average height so should be easy but no!

I’m also really trying to only buy clothes if I love them and will definitely wear them with my current lifestyle rather than buying things that are lovely but I have no use for or that I have a use for but I don’t really like! And I’m mindful that I can only eg wear one pair of gym leggings at a time so I probably don’t need more than three pairs even allowing for slovenly laundry habits and a good exercise regime!

Cliche coming up, which you will know. I think it is true.
Start Within. Beauty and nice feelings come from inside your head.
You have children, you have a job. What else? cooking & cleaning? pets?
Then you develop an obsession about only buying clothes that are already losing their shape, or the colour is half washed out. You are not giving yourself a chance of looking and feeling crisp and nice or business-like.
Start putting yourself higher on the priority list.

It starts within.

Love the 90s hippie mum at a carboot image .

I'm in - I got some new workwear Feb 2019 and it all feels so wrong now. Also trying to only buy second hand and it's a challenge!

Home is ok but boring - jumper+jeans+thermals. I reckon I need a great coat, boots and bag but can't afford it.

Thank you all so much for your responses! I feel less alone!

@Floisme and @Sewfedupofcovid yes I think starting with basics (ie underwear) would be a really good start. I got hooked on granny pants after my first pregnancy but now I hate them, and my bras are ancient.
Intestesting perspectives too on second hand stuff, from everyone. @Shirl89 I think you do have a point- I am not really giving myself a chance to look presentable if everything is second hand and hasn't been tried on before I buy it.

I think that worry @Ohmygoshposh says about getting the balance between looking ‘frumpy’ (see also ‘dowdy’ and ‘mumsy’) and too young (so mutton dressed as lamb or lamb dressed as mutton) is such a common one when you hit c. 40. We probably also need more flattering clothes than when we’re younger. I have a younger friend who I wouldn’t say is wearing the height of fashion but she looks cool, partly because she looks very young. I know of course I’m being manipulated by societal ideals but that doesn’t change this fact for me. You can imo ‘get away’ with more when you are younger and there is more of a balance to be reached when you head towards middle age. I’m finding partywear, particularly now we are all so casual, very challenging. I think the number of threads about this whole topic is testament to that. You also might have a more senior job and children, both of which can change how you view clothing and yourself. You start to feel more invisible, which is not necessarily an all bad thing but do you lean in to that or want to stand out. The older women I notice are the ones with quite a quirky style like Prue Leith. On the plus side most people have a bit more of an idea of what suits them and potentially can afford better quality clothes (though spending more doesn’t guarantee quality or longevity imo). It’s hard really as there’s not many shops you’d say are a ‘go to’ for hitting that balance. Oftentimes shops with an older target market sell ‘uniforms’ which also marks you as a certain age, presently midi patterned dress, denim or leather jacket, trainers and a cross body bag. You end up having to curate from a range of brands which is time consuming and if you’re not that interested very hard going, especially with the demise of so many actual shops. Imagine that scene in Pretty Woman where she just goes online.

One thing to consider might be a Stitch Fix or Lookiero box.

More replies... @Ohmygoshposh and @MoreThanRubies It's tricky when what you liked, suited you, and felt cool in just isn't right any more.

There's something quite satisfying about wearing clothes until they fall apart, but when your whole wardrobe consists of those things and 2 beautiful dresses you have no occasion to wear then it's a problem!

I love the idea of a smaller wardrobe of stuff I just actually wear. But I also love variety- which means ending up with a load of old crap from depop and vinted, disguised by good photography.

I made a vow not to buy any new clothes from April 1. 22-23.
I am wearing my wardrobe, for example after seeing an insta post I put a jumper over a flowery dress, thick tights and boots, it worked and I would never have thought of doing that.
I am wearing combinations of my clothing I would not have thought of before.
I did fall off the tracks and buy some Zara trousers and a cashmere jumper in TK max (£29 for both) but I sold something on eBay to balance it out.

@TheOGCCL yes, totally. It is that balance which is hard. I think at this age, especially if you have had kids, then you do need more flattering clothes. I could get away with all sorts when I was younger, but I would look like a pregnant bag lady now if I dressed in the same clothes. I think I am finding it quite hard psychologically that I have aged, hence referring to myself as 'mutton'. Not that 39 is old per se, just that I do look and feel quite different to how I did 10 years ago, but what I wear doesn't reflect that change.
As a younger woman, I always tried to reject what I saw as the 'norms' of femininty, and then there's the buying second hand and stuff as well. I can be a bit too principled, I think, when it comes to clothes and looks, and maybe I can allow myself some flexibility... i love the idea of wearing makeup again- I haven't done in about a decade- but I also feel oddly ashamed about it- like if people used to how I look now (colleagues, local friends, school mums etc) see me looking different they would judge me for changing? Ridiculous!! Why would they care?!

I would love to go shopping, in some actual shops- try on things, see how things feel, etc. I need to carve out an afternoon somehow.

I recommend caring less. I don't agree that young people can wear anything and get away with it - I see some every day looking a fright. But what these young people I see have in spades is that don't-give-a-fuck attitude and a sense of fun. I think that, when you're trying to rediscover your sense of style, you need the same thing because no-one gets it right first time.

I hear you! i'm in a similar position. 38 two kids (3 an 5) and am in a rut of sorts. my nice work clothes bought to go back to the office in Feb 2020 no longer feel right. the office (whilst i'm there 5 days a week) is more casual now. so smart work wear is no longer needed.i really should sell the stuff.

my hair is a nightmare. it is wavy and thick, but has a mind of its own and needs a lot of work to make it look acceptable. of a morning i rarely have time to sort it out so it goes up int oa pony or a messy bun or a huge clip. to keep out of the way.

I could have written your post OP except
I have two DC not three. I have a wardrobe full of clothes that don't fit any more and everything that does fit just looks shit.

I've started doing Stitch Fix as I don't have time to shop for clothes and am finding it pretty good as it takes all the "thinking" away from me. A box of clothes turns up once a month, I try it on and return whatever I don't like. Then if I want to look nice I try to remember to put on the new stuff when I'm getting dressed in the morning.

I miss the days when I had a good body, time to shop and lots of money to spend on myself. I don't think I'll ever get back to that. Which is extremely depressing! Lol.

I totally get this - you definitely aren't alone! I had my first DC at 32 and felt pretty much "me" fairly soon after. Had my second at 41 and found coming out of lockdown and working out what to wear going forward into my 40s with a toddler has been tough (and not much money!). I work 3 days a week but only one in the office.

I do buy quite a bit on Vinted but tend to buy things that are new with tags or just worn a couple of times. And only buy from brands that I know my size and the quality.

Other things that have helped are (this was done gradually, some christmas/birthday presents and some via Vinted so not spending a huge amount in one go):

Working out what i already had that I could use going forward and what I needed to buy to make up an outfit.

Deliberately buying some nice dressed down clothes - decent leggings (mint velvet), leather look leggings (Lipsy), a couple of slouchy jumpers that are good quality (gap and uniqlo), a nice white t-shirt, denim shirt, nice trainers, comfy flat boots so that even on days running around after kids or working from home, I can grab the comfiest clothes but still feel reasonably OK.

Joining a couple of FB fashion groups, looking on Pinterest and just copying outfits I liked.

Spending a bit more on a pair of jeans - I got some sway slim leg jeans from fat face. They feel a bit more modern than skinnies but really flattering and good quality, bit of stretch. I wear slightly rolled up with trainers or ankle boots.

Wearing a dress on my days in the office with comfy boots. Makes me feel good that I dress up a little once a week even though the office is casual. I also already had a few nice dresses so could wear those and added to them gradually. Today I'm wearing this: www.nobodyschild.com/clothing/orange-pink-check-rio-mini-dress.html

@Whathappenedto "...like if people used to how I look now (colleagues, local friends, school mums etc) see me looking different they would judge me for changing? Ridiculous!! Why would they care?!"

This is something I really struggle with, maybe I feel like people will think I'm vain. Maybe I judge too much so I think others will too. They might notice but I bet they don't give it a second thought!

Oh me too! I actually wrote a post about this a few weeks ago about how I didn’t know how to dress myself anymore and then didn’t post it because I was scared some of the more aggressive mumsnetters would savage me…
I live in office wear and sports wear and don’t even know who I am to know what to wear for leisure/casual. I cannot find a single top that I like as everything is too fussy and flouncy or exaggerates a feature I hate. Rather than buy anything nice, in September I just went to TK and bought 2 huge chunky cardigans and I wear those constantly, hiding beneath them like a great big blanket 🤦‍♀️

Huge sympathies. I'm your age and have experienced similar (down to the c sec paunch)

I've got my groove more or less back now but looked a frump for ages. My partner complains of his 'dad wardrobe' too and is definitely finding it harder to dress post kids. He was always a stylist guy so men can clearly lose their way too!

I shop second hand a lot and often on Vinted but I'd find it tough to look presentable if I were exclusively shopping vintage.

Re the 2nd hand thing. If you get a style, like PP said she'd done with White Stuff for example, and you know it works new, it's becomes easier to replicate on vinted etc because you know the fit & fabric

Much solidarity though. Been there!

@inthedeepshade I am going to give Stitch Fix a go! I reckon if I do it for a couple of months I might get 3 or 4 new things that would work. If not, not a great loss. Thanks for the suggestion :)

@Workawayxx great tips, thanks so much! I love the dress too.

After all these kind and encouraging messages I have decided to give myself a budget and just buy some bloody clothes! So I've gone for some smart trackies and good quality leggings that can be worn out and about to playground/ supermarket/ etc but also good for lounging about at home without being a total scruff and some new jeans. Next on the list for December pay day are 2-4 tshirts that fit properly and are a good quality heavyweight cotton, a couple of cardigans, and some new underwear.
I think I have enough jumpers that I like, and if I get rid of the dresses that don't fit or I actively dislike, then I actually will have a few that will see me to the summer, and then I can re-assess.