How to stop being a frump

[Sewannoying]

I’ve always preferred the low maintenance approach: hair cuts when I remember, new clothes if something stops fitting, no particular beauty routine other than cleanse, moisturise and basic make-up. Appearance or trends not massively important to me, probably because I could rely on being thin, young and in a career where look isn’t important. I’ve also been with DH since late teens.

Now I’m in my 40s, a mum, and a complete frump. Perimenopause has screwed me over (saw the post on this yesterday and completely agreed). Skin changes, loss of colour from my face, weight gain. Left with a mum tum from pregnancy. Frizzy greying hair I can’t dye or improve with better shampoo because I’m allergic to so many things. WFH, and while I always wear proper clothes, comfort is of prime importance (see also mum tum - shape change affecting what I can wear - elasticated waists are now my go to!)

Well I’ve had enough.

Thoughts so far include doing the personal shopper thing at John Lewis (any good?). Having my hair cut and maybe an eyebrow shape. (Nails are not my thing and never will be.) Buying some decent clothes for once. Finding more time for my appearance.

Does anyone have any ideas? Budget wise I could spent loads because of savings, but I’m quite a frugal person and the though of spending a £1000 on a new wardrobe makes me wince, particularly since I might not wear them all. Oh, I have to cut out labels at the back of the neck/waist because the irritate me. Size wise I’ve been buying size 10 clothes recently.

I think nails do make a difference, mine are wide and short I used to bite them.
due to the width longer nails look bad on my my long fingers. But now they are long enough to shape a bit, (still below the end of my finger) and clear gloss, I see in photos what a massive difference it makes

Firstly HRT. Game changer for my skin, hair, energy, sleep.

If you don't know what colours work for you I'd suggest you get them done. It keeps things simple when you are shopping (I hate shopping, I'm in the tech industry and fashion isn't my strong point)

Some of the places that do colours also offer personal styling/shopping but I've also used JL personal shopper but for an occasion rather than style tips.

I let my grey grow out and I love it now, it's in great condition from not using dye and being on HRT. Decent haircut will help.

I'm 50 and had to massively change my approach to exercise. I stick to kettlebell, yoga and swimming because HIT stuff is not good for weight issues at my age.

I agree with pp, get your colours done would be a good place to start, to know which colours make your skin and eyes look best. One good thing about knowing your best colours is that as you buy new clothes in those colours they are much more likely to coordinate and work with each other and you'll have a flexible set of clothes. Check out vinted for second hand more expensive clothes to keep costs down.

Agree with the others that HRT is worth thinking about, definitely speak to your GP.

Confidence and facts are very different and I suspect you are being waaaay to hard on yourself.

That said, a makeover can give a boost and I think everyone needs one every now and again. A good haircut and eyebrow shape can work wonders. I’m also wondering if more natural oils to condition your hair e.g. coconut, might help with the frizz? Not sure what your allergies are?

Treating yourself is no bad thing either, esp’ when you have the funds - you don’t need to spend it all/or all in one go.

Id also agree with PP that exercise is great for boosting your mood, I like to get some Pilates done in the morning, get me away from any ‘morning blues’ which turn in to a full day event.

I also read somewhere that sugar can exasperate menopause symptoms - not sure if it’s true but it’s healthier anyway so might be worth cutting down and seeing if it makes a difference to you.

Thanks for the tips - will add colours to my list.

May also consider going back to the doctors. Last time I went they said I was too young (really helpful) but since menopause is bigger in the news right now, they might listen.

A really good haircut/colour and eyebrow shape will make a huge difference. Light, low maintenance makeup will as well, nails just need to be trimmed and neat.

Clothes aim for a capsule wardrobe with key staples- getting colours done also helps.

If doctor and HRT are not happening try StarPowa gummies - they do a skin, hair & nails product.

Coconut oil sounds like it might be worth a go. I don’t actually know what causes my allergies; I just know that changing products gives me dreadful headaches for days until I stop using it (and sometimes causes my top lip to swell) and it’s got worse as I’ve got older. But to the best of my knowledge I’m not allergic to coconut.

Make sure you are wearing the correct fitting bra.

Decent supportive underwear will make a huge difference. Invest wisely.

Top tip above all others: start weight training and or HIIT body weight bootcamps. You will tone up every muscle of your body even your jawline. It gives you far better posture and more youthful movement. The mum tum will go. And you'll have more energy.

I started buying a classic wardrobe. Not fashionable but won't date. E.g. Cream silk blouse, navy cashmere pullover, dark, straight jeans, good leather flat ankle boots. I spemd way more these days on individual pieces. But they last. If I wan't something fashionable I buy second hand online.

Go to a hairdressr and get advice about colour and conditioning your hair despite your allergies.

I've started rinsing my hair in water with either some Epsom salts or some bath oil dissolved in it as it stops it from drying out. It looks much glossier when I remember to do this.

@Sewannoying I’m sensitive to SLS which causes me lots of itching/flaking, but swelling lip sounds more serious. Id mention that to the doctor too - you may be at risk of anaphylactic shock? Definitely get a patch test if you are getting your hair coloured.

I've always had a bit of a tummy- buying nicer clothes that are cut better goes a long way. Hobbs is my go to. There seems to be a sale on quite a few times a year.

Great tips, thanks everyone. Have to go and do mum stuff, but will check back later.

Needing HRT has bugger all to do with age and more to do with where you are in the menopause journey.

If you do go back to your GP remember that training on menopause is not obligatory for them it's elective. Staggering really. So it can be pot luck in terms of their response, don't let them put you off if you think it's time you considered it.

The two Davina programs on it are super useful and the latest one talks about the importance of starting it earlier as well as the research showing it can reduce the likelihood of Alzheimer's in women by up 50%

Hi, I know it’s not what you asked but I’m a frump and I really don’t care!

I am 64 by the way. Comfortable clothes, flat shoes, grey hair etc. The look I’m going for is clean and tidy.

i think I look my age, lots of lines and wrinkles. But yesterday, as I was finishing a session with my therapist she said what lovely smooth skin I had and how my smile was really engaging and authentic. That made me feel really good about my self. (No HRT)**

So, I just wanted to say it’s great that you are in your 40’s and want to smarten up, and good on you. But you say you are a low maintenance kind of woman, and looking fab is harder to pull off as you age.

some people effortlessly pull off a style that works, others find themselves on a treadmill of beauty treatments etc. Or embrace and own your inner frump. It works for me, and it may be what works for you in another 20 years.

What's the budget OP?

Or rather, what do you want to spend monthly?

I'd agree with pp about coconut oil - I've got thick frizz-prone hair which has become worse since starting to go grey, but coconut oil was a game-changer for me! Makes my hair soft and manageable and you only need a small amount each time to make a difference.

@jeaux90 (great name btw )

What do you mean HIIT isn't good for weight issues as we get older? I'd be interested to know more about this.

Colours and style by someone who really knows what they are talking about. Ask around and try a few different people, find someone you click with. Getting some help with your clothes to make then stylish and low maintenance will make a big difference.

Look at project 333, minimise your wardrobe to make dressing easy.

Eyebrows give such definition to the face.

Finally (sic) start with a fitting at https://www.rigbyandpeller.com. Everything looks better when you are wearing the tight bra.

Enjoy this 'project me'. Do the parts you enjoy and skip everything else. Ultimately, it's what you are like inside that really matters.

Thank-you for this. Low style, low maintenance, never bothered me before and I do wonder if it’s a confidence thing. Perimenopause has made me more anxious. While I probably do need to smarten up a little, I’ll bear your comments in mind.

Thank-you everyone for your help.

Where are you based @Sewannoying ? There's a good personal stylist service in London (Westfield) where they come round and help you sort through the clothes you already have and help you put outfits together from your current wardrobe, then take you shopping for a few more items based on what they assess you need / where the gaps are. Apparently it's amazing and it's on my bucket list!

I think colour is important and style is as well - although I’m size 10 I have an hour glass figure (sounds good) - but unless clothes fit me properly I just look dumpy. I’ve promised myself to stop buying loose fitting tops especially.

Definitely get your colours done - and then work on style.

Some advice is to follow celebs on Instagram who have same body shape/ complexion as you - to get inspiration

As a wee follow up - if I wear some trousers with a flat heel it doesn’t look great. But a wedge heel makes all the difference. I think small points do make all the difference

I also got my ears re-pierced recently- I think this might be a good move - I can look a bit dressier without trying hard.

As someone else said - not all GPs know about HRT - and there’s a fair amount of prejudice against it. Don’t give up - unless you have contraindications- it also makes a difference

@goldfinchonthelawn
You might find this interesting. This is why I flipped to kettlebell weights, swimming, yoga etc. it's basically down to menopause symptoms and cortisol.

www.mymenopausetransformation.com/exercise-in-menopause/why-you-are-putting-on-more-weight-in-menopause-with-your-high-intensity-exercise/

Lurking