How to reinvent a non fashionable frumpy 40 year old?

[FrankieDobie]

I’ve never been into fashion. When I was 13/14 I used to go through my mums catalogue making wish lists of clothes that would be best to walk a dog in. I’ve always lived on scruffy jeans and t-shirts.
I’ve just turned 40 and am having a bit of a mid life crisis, I’ve decided to make an effort but I’ve got no idea how! I’ve just ordered 2 pairs of “slim” jeans from Next (I usually wear skinny) but the ankles seem massive! Is this what people are wearing these days? With what shoes? I’m 5ft 10 so don’t want to wear heels 😭

Also, I’ve had the same hairstyle since I was 11. Tied back in a pony tail (yes I did say I’m 40 now), what type of hairstyle should I be looking at to freshen myself up??

AIBU to literally have no idea how to make myself look decent?? I’m so frumpy and I’m sick of it. I’m a size 14 if that makes any difference.

The good news is that heels are so over. Everyone is wearing flats. Nice trainers, ankle boots, loafers, "flatform" sandals.

If you're really at sea, why not call in the experts? Book an appointment at a decent hairdresser and tell them you have no idea what to do, can they give you an easy-care cut and show you how to style it? You could also book a free personal styling session at John Lewis or another department store and they can pick you out some easy updates.

I don't know what your financial situation is, but give yourself a good budget if you can. If you are looking at high-street staples (Next, M&S, H&M, TK Maxx etc) then try for £500 to £1000 and buy lots of mix and match pieces. Buying a couple pairs of jeans and a new top or two will just not have the desired effect.

Firstly, pick your favourite neutral and stick to it - so ideally navy or black, or it could be brown or grey. EVERYTHING you buy has to go with this. You can branch out into additional neutrals later.

Then buy yourself:

2 or 3 pairs of jeans
A pair of smart trousers - warmish
2 casual jumpers / sweaters
A denim skirt or pinafore (or both)
4 well-fitting short-sleeve tshirts
A light denim or other light shirt
3 or 4 long sleeve tshirts / polo necks
A belt
A cardigan of some sort, short enough to go under the coats
A weatherproof coat
Some new socks
Some casual trainers / pumps that go with everything
A couple of pairs of nice thick tights, try knitted, something with a bit of colour
A pair of flattish ankle boots that go with everything
A smarter, longer coat
A large thin scarf
A chunky winter scarf, hat and gloves
A casual handbag
A smarter handbag
A couple of pieces of 'funky' costume jewellery

Everything MUST fit and match. Don't worry too much about the quality for now. Aim to get all of the above over 2-3 shopping trips (NOT online!) - try everything on and only buy things you feel comfortable in straight away.

Wear all of this over the autumn / winter and then gradually replace with things you like better / seasonal pieces / better quality items or as things wear out.

Like a PP has said, get a good hair consultation.

Get newer up-to-date glasses if you wear them.

Take EVERYTHING out of our wardrobe and ONLY put back things that you feel good in, will definitely wear, and are in good condition - get rid of everything else. Put out-of-season stuff away till next year.

Just do a small amount of upping your game on skin and hair - e.g. some sort of style everyday (mum bun for cleaning / gym only), moisturise, minimal makeup / lip balm, look after your nails etc.

I guarantee you will feel loads better.

Some good advice above.
I would also go on Pinterest or look at blogs to get ideas.
I don't know your budget, but avoid Next and suchlike. Go for quality if you can, the clothes will look and feel better and last longer.

I thought Next was good quality 😬
What classes as good quality?

I’m quite liking the look of mom jeans, I have sensory issues so hate anything tight, they look very comfortable but I worry they will make me look fat!

Haha I also think Next is OKish quality,

But you have to be careful - try not to buy anything that is 100% synthetic - check how sleeves are put in, check any patterns match - check the FIT (did I mention that?).

If Next is your go-to, then don't worry about it. You need to get used to wearing different items and putting outfits together. To do this, you need a 'wardrobe' that works together. So unless you can afford all of the above pieces at £50-£100+ each - you'll never assemble a wardrobe that works - hence the compromise. Once you have the 'wardrobe' working, then you can swap in better pieces, or buy more of the stuff you like (and avoid things that you don't like for the future).

Would you wear heels if not for your height? It’s fine not to like them because you don’t like them, but it seems a shame not to wear something that might suit you because you are self conscious about being 5’10” (don’t be! It is great to be tall, and you will wear clothes beautifully).

I don’t concur that heels are ‘so over’, by the way: what’s in the shops seems to suggest otherwise!

I think that you should work out what your best features are. Probably arms and legs? Go for a hair consultation, as a PP suggested. Call in at the Bobbi Brown make up counter and ask what they suggest.

You are right to move away from the skinny jeans. We have at least one thread a week where the OP asks what jeans she should buy and whether skinny jeans are not long for the fashion world, and 100 people chime in with ‘they will prise my skinny jeans from my cold dead hands etc’, but you’re right to go for something a bit more modern. Slim jeans look good with trainers/flat boots but if you are venturing into slim flares, which you could carry off brilliantly at 5’10”, you will need a bit of a heel to make them work.

Going into winter, a chic coat makes a massive difference. Another thing you could carry off beautifully at your height.

Do you know what shape you are and what colours suit you. Dressing for your shape and season will make you feel less frumpy.

I got a style analysis done a couple of years back. I thought Correctly was probably a pear, but got loads of ideas as to what styles I should or shouldn’t wear. I also got my colours done, and discovered I was autumn. The colours I wear suit me know whether drain me. Since having it done, I’ve never had so many compliments.

Not saying I get it right all the time - we all have those off days, but it helped me as I entered my fifties.

Frankie, I've no idea how much you want to spend - have you thought of a budget?
The Next jeans may be ok, but you might get a better fit and more wear out of a better brand.
Have a look at Toast, Jigsaw, Cos, Stories and Arket. They're usually good quality (although others may disagree! ).
When the jeans arrive, think about tops and shoes. A good pair of trainers/ ankle boots and some cotton tops?

Get your colours done. I was very much like you and had no idea but getting my colours done made me feel much more confident.

Good advice from @VerveClique about swapping in quality once you've made some decisions.
No point buying expensive brands if you're still trying things out.
What colours do you like?

If you go for mom jeans then go for a tighter fitting top to balance it out like a polo neck.

Jeans are a bloody minefield you need to try on loads of styles in lots of shops. If you have a big M&S by you they have a big denim section so you can take lots in with you at the same time.

Get some recommendations for a hairsalon and ask them for advice. Also have a look online/Instagram for people who have hair you like the look of and think would perhaps work for yours too.

Shackets and blazers are a good way of making t shirts and jeans more interesting. Also buy a couple of nice bags. I like crossbody ones and buy from places like accessorize, Dorothy Perkins, Zara. Leather trainers (also useful in winter/when wet) are handy like Stan smiths. They go with so many things.
Lots of people like doc martens to go with lots but they're pricy.

Zara as a whole shop is a great way of exploring some new styles and have a big range of clothes to suit all budgets.

@VerveClique you sound very knowledgable. Please could you take me shopping?

Size 14 and 5ft 11 is a good place to be imo (am 6ft myself )

You can wear anything imo

I am a bit older (50) and really like mum jeans rolled up with ankle boots or trainers, or long wide jeans (have some “carpenter “ baggy jeans which I love from H&M)

Also like lots of things from Hush as everything is quite loose fitting (comfy) but not frumpy

I'm 6 feet also. I still wear heels when the mood takes me so don't rule them out. I love ASOS for their tall section so things are proportionate and they're cheap enough that you can experiment.

What's a slim flare pls?

I have always bought Next jeans, it’s about the only thing I buy from next as they seem to last well. I also like Newlook jeans as they do many different styles.

White trainers seem to be the in thing to wear with mom jeans.

I’m not very fashionable or not in the sense most people are, I kind of have my own style and I like comfort. I love dungarees and boiler suits also harem trousers (so comfy) but also wear jeans and sweatshirts.

Re Jeans, I am 5’4 and love slim/ skinny jeans. I’m willing to pay top dollar and love Paige jeans. I have discovered Otrium, which sells last season’s clothes at knockdown prices. If you’re not bothered about this week’s style and colour you can get Paige jeans at 50% off so that s £100 a pair. Once you’ve worked out which style you like and maybe tried the real thing on in a store head off to Otrium for a bargain. ( I am in no way affiliated with them).

I would avoid mom jeans and opt for a straight leg - unless you're a very specific shape I think they're really only flattering on the young and flat of stomach.

...

Errrrr don’t buy anything until you’ve worked out in your head what direction you want to go in. I disagree that you should buy cheap and then replace with better quality - that’s an absolute waste of money. You’ll end up living with the acrylic jumpers and polyester and won’t feel good. I also wouldn’t dictate what specific items someone should buy without knowing what their lifestyle is and what they’re going to be doing. Work versus not work, rural versus city etc. I would recommend a book called “The Curated Closet - discover your personal style and build your dream wardrobe” It’s the best one of its type I’ve read. There are a few exercises to help work out what you spend your time doing to ensure your investment is in the areas you most need it… not like me who loved buying “going out” clothes but had hardly any casual. It helps with colours and styles too. It may seem frustrating but if you want a wardrobe you love it’s worth the investment in time.

@Burnamer let’s go!

And despite what OP has said, Next etc. Isn’t cheap for a lot of people and whilst there is acrylic etc I’ve suggested anything completely synthetic is avoided but it’s really not all bad .

OP asked about help to stop feeling ‘frumpy’… for me this is as much about the shape, texture and proportion of your clothes, as much anything else.

If you’ve spent your life in scruffy jeans and tee shirts you need to get used to putting an outfit together from top to bottom as this helps with the ‘frumpiness’. You have to have a good basic range of clothes. What I’ve listed isn’t ‘dictated’, it’s just a good basic and reasonably stylish wardrobe That can be added to and updated depending on budget, season, occasion etc.

We don’t know OP’s financial situation but she mentioned next so I’ve gone with that.

In Arket at the moment there are really fashion forward trousers, long knitted tank tops etc. These would be REALLY hard to start to wear without some good wardrobe staples to underpin them.

This is just my personal approach. I’ve had to create a personal style that looks professionally and socially acceptable with at times no money, very little time, and with my body not being in the best shape.

Heads up, Next has a sale starting on Saturday.

I quite like their jeans.

I just bought dd some jeans from next (kids section) and they are 100% cotton and super soft, not sure if the adult ones are too? I for one can’t afford £100 for a pair of jeans and £30 in next is the most I will pay.