Feeling crap about myself- how do you learn to love yourself?

[cleocleo16]

I ve just turned 40 and instead of being more confident about myself as you are meant to be I have gone the other way. I feel really rubbish about the way I look. I hate having my photo taken as I don't look nice. There is nothing I like about myself. I think most people have learnt how to enhance their best features and hide things they don't like, style their hair well and have beauty products they suit best. I don't feel like I have. My hair is a mess, i don't know what to do with it. I haven't aged well and I have deep wrinkles around my eyes and across my forehead. I ve always struggled with my skin a f whilst now the spots have significantly gone down I they have been replaced with blotchy skin, redness around the nose and deep circles around my eyes and loads of dark spots.

I haven't found my niche in life. Admittedly I don't spend that long on myself makeup and hair wise in the morning. When I was younger I could get away with it but now I just feel unpolished.

Other people seem so body confident and happy with themselves but I find myself comparing myself to other people constantly. I hate having my photo taken as I hate my smile, I look awful in photos but I don't know how to smile properly to look better. My face is too fat. I don't know how to give myself larger eyes and fuller lips.

I feel stupid saying this at 40 as I know most people have found what works by now but I feel as lost as I did in my 20s.

I wish there was someone I could go to who can just tell you what to do. The right hair cut for my face shape, how to smile well, how to get smooth, silky, perfectly styled hair, how to hide the rings under my eyes.

Same OP

I think it's like losing weight in that it's a marathon not a sprint.

I'm late 30's and look better now than in my mid 20s as I look after myself more and my children are older, easier plus actually sleep through the night!

I'll write down the changes I've made over the years that has seemed to improve things for me.

Just make small changes over time and visit make up counters at John Lewis. Especially Bobbi Brown who seem to have mainly lovely helpful assistants and who do nice 'enhancing' makeup plus good skincare.
Ask for any testers or small travel sized versions then you can slowly work your way through products to find the ones that work best for you.

YouTube is great as well for tips on makeup and skincare routines. I have hooded eyes for example so have picked up some really good tips on there for how to enhance them the best way.

Take a multivitamin and try and keep a bottle of water on you to drink plenty.

Cleanse morning and night and use a day moisturiser and a good eye cream at night. I use an Estée Lauder one and it makes a big difference.

Get some recommendations from friends of a hairdresser/salon and go and see them for a consultation before committing to anything.

You really can get a lot of tips and inspiration from You Tube.
I always think its good to identify your best features and play to that.
What you do have to do is establish a routine for skin care and use a bit of trial and error to see what works.
I suspect that, as with so many of us, you're being unduly harsh on yourself. We focus on our perceived faults and should focus on our strengths.
Lovely hands? Concentrate on manicures and rings.
Good teeth? Practice smiling in front of a mirror till you get it just right.

I feel the same OP. I’m 50, so older than you but until maybe 3 years ago, I was on top of my game, and then menopause, then lockdown, and all I see looking back at me in the mirror is my mum. I have lovely clothes, makeup and shoes, but all I want to do is wear my PJs all day unless I have to go out of the house. I get it OP, it’s like a light inside you going out.

For me, I feel best/most confident when I do lots of...

Wanking
Long distance running
Gardening
Cooking good food
Laughing with friends
Time outdoors
Singing
(Basically multi-sensory real-world joyful stuff)

And very little...
Time exposed to adverts (telly, internet, magazines)
Looking in mirrors
Sitting all day/being indoors all day
Weighing myself

I think most of it is about how you feel rather than how you look.

Love this list 👌

How do you feel about photos of yourself 10 or 20 years ago? I try to imagine how I’ll feel about how I look now in 10 years time x

@Verbena87

For me, I feel best/most confident when I do lots of...

Wanking
Long distance running
Gardening
Cooking good food
Laughing with friends
Time outdoors
Singing
(Basically multi-sensory real-world joyful stuff)

And very little...
Time exposed to adverts (telly, internet, magazines)
Looking in mirrors
Sitting all day/being indoors all day
Weighing myself

I think most of it is about how you feel rather than how you look.

Is the top one a typo?

Wanking
Yes go for that op. That and drinking more water will sort you right out.
I agree with a pp about YouTube. You can get expert tips for free

Wanking

Chin chin that's my girl

Wanking!!

See laughing makes you feel better!

Pinterest is a good place for working out your personal style. Wardrobe declutters. Make up counters and hairdressers. Defuzz. Elf is a great make up brand for cheap makeup you could experiment with.

With Pinterest I pin everything I like at first. And then go back through and try and work out exactly what it is that I do like about the pins. Colour? Shape? Vibe? Etc I then create new boards for spring summer/autumn winter that are fine-tuned and have my favourite things in them I then pick out about 4 or 5 outfits from those boards and recreate the outfits in real life.

I am someone who does look better in my 40’s than my 30’s. It look a bit of work and research, but now it’s done I feel I can forget about it and get on with life. Exercise and hobbies (although not wanking) are a big part of my life now.

@Amyheadache

How do you feel about photos of yourself 10 or 20 years ago? I try to imagine how I’ll feel about how I look now in 10 years time x

I ve never liked photos of myself in fairness. But sometimes I took an ok photo. My face is too fat and I don't smile nicely.

Dress wise I think I am sorted and I look good. I am considerably slimmer than I was in my 30s.

How did people learn to look in the mirror and like what they see? I don't think I am pretty anymore.

I don’t particularly look at myself in the mirror and think I look pretty but I can see my skin looks good, my hair is behaving and I’m wearing clothes that I feel stylish in. At the start of the year I was 2 stone heavier and I was feeling pretty dreadful. Apart from losing the weight and exercising lots ( which makes me feel great ) I’ve revamped everything - there’s a lot of great hair & skincare advice on S&B which you can follow up with You Tube videos. For example I have had Olaplex treatments on my hair which has made a difference. There are lots of products you can buy which are not expensive but they can be time consuming… blow drying your hair and putting on some nice skincare products / make-up rather than just sticking it in a ponytail in my case. All of these things combined ( including a buzz from the exercise) give an air of confidence which is attractive. I still don’t like myself in photos but how much of an issue is that if I have a spring in my step when I leave the house?

Yes. Small, slow changes.

@cleocleo16

I wish there was someone I could go to who can just tell you what to do. The right hair cut for my face shape, how to smile well, how to get smooth, silky, perfectly styled hair, how to hide the rings under my eyes.

Oh but there is. Styled by Susie (I'm sure there are a lot of others as well but I have used this company and was very satisfied). As well as giving advice about clothing styles and colours, they do personal sessions on hair and make-up. Have a look at the website under 'book and shop' and 'online sessions'. www.styledbysusie.co.uk

@cleocleo16 all of these tips are great but the most important thing to change is how you speak and think about yourself. No amount of make-up or styling or weight loss is going to change how you feel if you only focus on the things you don’t have. Would you talk about a friend the way you talk about yourself? If not, try to think about the things you do have, the changes you make will then enhance your positives rather than getting into a spiral of your self-perceived negatives.

Yes, ultimately it's turning that negative voice off in your head. Whose voice is it? Mine is my mum's telling me I'm fat. It's really powerful to practise turning it off.

I'm a decade older than you but was feeling a bit rubbish about myself by the end of the first lockdown.
I had gained weight, I felt bloated & puffy.
My skin was in a mess- I've never had good skin & had hoped that by 50 it would behave itself. But no, I had spots, as well as wrinkles & dry flakey patches & redness..

I had tons of clothes but was sick of them all & most no longer fitted me properly.

In October i saw a photo where I was in the background & I didn't know it was being taken & it truly shocked me. I could not believe it was me.

It was enough to shake me up & become resolved to take action. I largely gave up alcohol. I cut back carbs & did my best to eat healthily with far smaller portions.
I've now lost 1 & a half stones with ideally another stone to go. I was down 1 stone 11lbs but I lost focus over the past couple of weeks & regained 4 lbs so back on the bandwagon as of today

I read up on Skin care & got my skin under better control

I did a MASSIVE wardrobe clear out & started selling all the really good stuff I had but no longer want to wear & I earned money which I reinvested into a new summer wardrobe so each day I have the option to wear some thing that makes me feel good if not great

I still have days where I hate what I see in the mirror but overall I'm moving towards being happier & it's really good to take care of yourself. You only get 1 life & it made me sad to think I was wasting it feeling bad about myself

I love the list pp posted too & agree with it

Following as feeling the same

How do you work out what your inner voice is actually saying? Mine is more like a crowd of people heckling me.

Therapy!!!

I think everyone feels like this to some extent and there is solace in that. The ladies you see out and about may have put a lot of effort into how they present themselves but it just looks effortless -they are all like swans graceful on the surface but paddling wildly underneath it all.
If you saw me when I wake up, I look completely different to how I go out and about even though I appear effortless (no fancy clothes, minimal make up) BUT I use a lot of electrical tools (micro current, LED mask etc) to keep my face lifted and glowing.
There are lots of things I dislike about my appearance and a lot of the reason why I love beauty products so much is I am amazed at the transformative effect that they have. Anything is achievable it feels with the right product.

So do a bit of research - makeup tricks for slimming a face, brightening products (definitely add a vitamin c product and alpha arbutin to your skincare with a minimum SPF 50 to get rid of your dark pigmentation) add a retinol to nighttime routine
Consider a side fringe as very slimming. Also bigger voluminous hair will give proportion to your face.

Google Glow Up videos on YouTube. Very inspirational. Look for the age range 35 plus as there are a lot of teenage ones which aren’t relevant

In a nutshell, everyone feels like you at some point and we’re all just doing the best we can to deal with the cards we’ve been given.

It's a state of mind. Most other people aren't happy with the way they look either. And the ones who are do not necessarily actually look better than the ones who aren't - they just have a different mindset.

As for the idea that you should have your look sorted by 40... Even if there are people who have it sorted by 25, that doesn't mean they don't need to change it at 40,50,60 etc as their skin, hair and body shape change, or just because they fancy a total change.

I'm about to turn 50. I go through phases where I decide not to care much about my appearance, and phases where I make an effort. I have dark circles, not a great complexion and am a bit overweight. I still look ok, and I'm working on the weight. Exercise is the thing that makes me feel best about myself. Fast, hilly walking, weights and yoga work best for me.

Essentially, look after yourself physically and mentally. Drink lots of water. Exercise. Eat good food. Choose clothes and products because you like them and they make you feel good, not because you think they'll make you look 'less bad'.