Feeling crap about myself- how do you learn to love yourself?

[cleocleo16]

I ve just turned 40 and instead of being more confident about myself as you are meant to be I have gone the other way. I feel really rubbish about the way I look. I hate having my photo taken as I don't look nice. There is nothing I like about myself. I think most people have learnt how to enhance their best features and hide things they don't like, style their hair well and have beauty products they suit best. I don't feel like I have. My hair is a mess, i don't know what to do with it. I haven't aged well and I have deep wrinkles around my eyes and across my forehead. I ve always struggled with my skin a f whilst now the spots have significantly gone down I they have been replaced with blotchy skin, redness around the nose and deep circles around my eyes and loads of dark spots.

I haven't found my niche in life. Admittedly I don't spend that long on myself makeup and hair wise in the morning. When I was younger I could get away with it but now I just feel unpolished.

Other people seem so body confident and happy with themselves but I find myself comparing myself to other people constantly. I hate having my photo taken as I hate my smile, I look awful in photos but I don't know how to smile properly to look better. My face is too fat. I don't know how to give myself larger eyes and fuller lips.

I feel stupid saying this at 40 as I know most people have found what works by now but I feel as lost as I did in my 20s.

I find keeping on top of things helps how I feel a lot
I have my hair trimmed and roots done every 5/6 weeks
Nails every 3
Eyelashes dyed permed and brows waxed every 6 weeks
I do my own top lip and body hair but know if I leave it even a few days too long because I can’t be bothered then I won’t feel great
I swim and gym twice a week - I’m still heavier than I want to be but am trying to lose it slowly and sensibly
Keeping on top of washing, ironing, dry cleaning, repairs, cleaning shoes etc means I’ve always got all my wardrobe choices to hand
I plan what im wearing in advance - Sunday Eve will get out work outfits for at least 3 days if not the whole week - and plan any other clothing choices eg if going out one evening
Friday night plan weekend clothes round what I’m likely to be doing

Yes totally agree, all the tips are great, thanks. But I need to alter my inner voice and learn to love myself. I don't know how though. How do you get inner confidence?

I think I would feel better about myself if I spent more time on myself and learnt to do my hair properly. I am considering getting the dark circles and extra fat/lines under my eyes and my hooded eye lids removed.

Who's inner voice is it? I don't know- mine. I guess it's a perception of myself I have always had, I have always felt I am not pretty enough. I grew up with an older sister who was very attractive, got lots of attention just walking down the street, my boyfriend's fancied her, everyone fancied her. Comments were made about her which I think I took as a comparison although they weren't directly made as one. My other sister gave out an air of confidence too so also got lots of male attention so I think from a young age I felt inadequate. Compared myself to my sister. She was quite bitchy and up herself back then (we are close now) and used to look down on me and make me feel disgusting, although again never said anything directly. I think I just grew up feeling lesser.

Maybe it's your sister's voice from your younger years? You don't need to have that narrative going on. It's hard but if you're aware of it you can take steps to make it stop. I sometimes use dh's voice because bizarrely he finds me and my massive arse gorgeous.

It’s normal to have bits of ourselves we don’t necessarily like but if we only focus on these it becomes a pattern until there are no positive thoughts left. Keep a journal - write one thing you like about yourself every day. One small thing. You might be really good at buying presents, remembering birthdays, cook a mean Sunday roast, have nice eyelashes….anything. When we start to feel good about ourselves our whole demeanour changes. The things we hated about ourselves might not be so quite bad, we’ll hold ourselves with a little more pride. It’s that cheesy quote that’s always posted from Roald Dahl about happy thoughts radiating from faces matter how pretty or not they are, which make the person nice to look and be with. Small changes to our thoughts and a little more self-care like the list posted above will make a huge change to how you feel about yourself!

Or could it have been friends from when you were younger? I'm sure my negative inner voice is from teenage experience.