Help me to embrace the now, so I can change the future

[Oncewassmith]

Really hoping someone can help me. I have just realised that to achieve the weight loss and other changes I need to make - I first need to be okay with how I am now... and I need help with that!
I've just been diagnosed with depression and started on antidepressants which is seeming to help, it's been a stressful 10 years but this last year has taken its toll (breast cancer, infertility, 2 (surprise) children, bankruptcy, divorce, suspected ovarian cancer with removal of ovaries so instant menopause, eviction, loss of career, building of a new one - and the thing to push me over the edge- workplace bullying). To cope with all of this I've comfort eaten (and occasionally comfort drunk) so I'm now a flabby size 18/20 with no sense of style, and, newly gained spare tyre of belly fat. As the chemo turned my hair grey last year I gave up dying it and embraced the grey.
So here I am a flabby menopausal grey haired women with no sense of style.
I'm attempting couch to 5k at the moment - and, trying to diet but confused between the best way to do this do I count calories/macros, intermittent fast etc.
Please wise women give me some tips to find my style and mojo again as I feel like I've really lost myself

Good lord you have been through the wringer! And you have survived, how tough and wonderful you are!

No style tips from me, but mindfulness, perhaps meditation, can be a great help. I also did CBT after my life fell to bits and it was hard but restorative.

Asking for help is the first step and so you have already started.

You are amazing! My only style tip is to wear the things that make you feel as wonderful as you are!

You are amazing and you are still here! Despite all of that shit that has been thrown at you (minus children). I think it’s great you’re wanting to make positive changes and feel good again. I’ve also suffered depression (and anxiety), the best thing I ever did was to start walking. Every day at every opportunity, either with the children or on my own. It’s so good for mental health and has the added benefit of being exercise!

@Summerhillsquare

Good lord you have been through the wringer! And you have survived, how tough and wonderful you are!

No style tips from me, but mindfulness, perhaps meditation, can be a great help. I also did CBT after my life fell to bits and it was hard but restorative.

Asking for help is the first step and so you have already started.

Thank you, I've started mindfulness sessions - and currently waiting for talking therapy (but it's a massive waiting list). Not feeling wonderful at all at the moment so hoping this will help

@mumonthehill

You are amazing! My only style tip is to wear the things that make you feel as wonderful as you are!

The problem is I seem to have forgotten what does

@Miseryisabutterfly

You are amazing and you are still here! Despite all of that shit that has been thrown at you (minus children). I think it’s great you’re wanting to make positive changes and feel good again. I’ve also suffered depression (and anxiety), the best thing I ever did was to start walking. Every day at every opportunity, either with the children or on my own. It’s so good for mental health and has the added benefit of being exercise!

I so agree walking really does help me - I have three dogs so can't not walk daily.

Just little changes that make you feel good will lead to more changes because of how it makes you feel.
Watch some you tube with style and beauty tips. Start a skincare routine.

@FindingMeno

Just little changes that make you feel good will lead to more changes because of how it makes you feel. Watch some you tube with style and beauty tips. Start a skincare routine.

Any recommendations for the best to watch?

Not really but if you just do a relevant search. For example, 'elevate your look', or 'how to look stylish at [ insert relevant age]'.

i love your post...for selfish reasons , i dont mean am happy youve been through hell.
do you work(ie formal clothes)? do you have colours or no-no list. ?footwear preference. basics/budget?

@tolerable

i love your post...for selfish reasons , i dont mean am happy youve been through hell. do you work(ie formal clothes)? do you have colours or no-no list. ?footwear preference. basics/budget?

I have a new job starting that is vague on the dress code but looking at others there it is a smart casual look; budget is low(ish) and I have massively wide size 8s and I'm 5'9" so I tend to avoid heels

You really need to celebrate your triumphs - which are many.

I'm not big on shiny things but you need a jewel - you deserve a big shiny piece of the Earth. (Or even some tiny rubies, emeralds, whatever.)

Even if you don't want to race straight to a jewellers, one of the most helpful pieces of style advice I've ever read is to buy one wonderfully extravagant accessory every season. We don't really have fashion seasons any more - but I try to acquire one really unnecessarily fabulous thing every winter, even if it's only a crazily coloured or structured beanie.

The brilliant thing about accessories is they don't care what size you are - they just confirm that you care about your unique presence on Earth.

I'm another advocate for the power of walking. I did C25K a couple of years ago but lost my running mojo quite quickly. Lockdown last year saw me drinking everyday and by the end of the summer I was a stone heavier which, at 4ft 10 was about to tip me into the obese BMI category. When the November lockdown kicked in I knew I had to do something for my mental health and waistline so I started walking. I aim for 5 miles everyday, half of it early in the morning before work and then some more later in the day. I don't always manage 5 miles every day but if I do longer walks at the weekend it averages out over the week. I got through the winter lockdown and home schooling 2 kids with sanity just about intact and have lost the stone and more without having to make too many changes to my diet - I still drink at weekends and eat chocolate but have managed to stop snacking during the day. I honestly dont know how i would have made it through the winter if I hadn't done this.

It took me a long time to get my head round "being in the present moment"..even now..i very hate it.i find self hypnosis on you tube reeally helpful. theres a man called barry eisen -sleep which is superb above all else because he explains the process( you sort of automatically fight) to allow it to work. theres literally millions to choose from.i currently favour sara redman/mindful movement. might be helpful to you.
mango has a range called violeta which is actually quite nice materials,shapes,styles i think.
also www.veromoda.com/gb/en/vm/curve-and-plus-size/?prefn1=size&prefv1=L&sz=24&start=24
h+m
navibi
i think you need a sort of idea re skirt\trouser\tops/dresses idea as to what realistically will get worn. to start...but these might help get to that by elimination.

I listen to self compassion meditations every night to fall asleep.
Look on youtube for chris germer and jason stephenson for self compassion / acceptance clips.

Sorry still working out how to tag people and stuff; but thank you all!

Also, check out Kirsten Neff
I like her talks about self compassion.

For years i was pushing myself very hard, be more resilient! Be braver! Control my anger better! Suppress my sadness!

I have felt a lot less anxiety about being me since i shifted my focus to self compassion and self acceptance.

Kirsten neff has ted talks on youtube

Ooh, I'm grateful to pps for the mindfulness/sleep people tips.

OP, I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. You are tall so I imagine that you look different to how you think you look. I find this site motivating for aiming for weight losses & a more balanced view of how I might look. https://www.mybodygallery.com

Also, I'd recommend getting your colours 'done' & your style too - I found it a fantastic experience years ago & stick
Mostly to my season & I feel comfortable & mostly know
What suits me

Bloody hell, you've been through the wars! Trouble is, food is quite good at helping people deal with stress, and it kills you very slowly compared with not eating, or drinking too much, or smoking. So don't be too mad about having put the weight on, it was the least worst option given all you've endured.
Lots of fruit and veg and lean protein and walking, food and exercise diary, good sleep routine.

But the original question - off the top of my head I'd say maybe rings, nail polish, earrings? Good cut and colour if you can afford it. Thinking of an erstwhile colleague who was in much the same situation (she had some funky tats as well). She always looked spiffy.

Hi op, a hug for the epicness of life and how you're powering through it, on practical tips, could you/would you start with a good mascara/brow shape?

I have been on a different journey but I do feel better if the brows are there, and I personally like a dash of liquid eyeliner, plus a barely-there gradual tan moisturizer. (I am not fashionable but I like to feel put together, in my own way) also my perfume lifts my spirits.

Also Maybelline superstay in a nude colour (loyalist is nice) ...it really does stay all day, doesn't budge under masks!

I would say try a probiotic and a good multivitamin to keep your energy levels and I think it helps skin look glowy.

I got a good pair of trainers (they weren't expensive but they help pull my casual outfits together)

Hth?x

Well done you! I have been in a very similar situation ( cancer menopause job loss DH affair plus very very sick daughter) and I totally lost the plot. What I did was start daily yoga for at least 10 minutes. Watched what I ate ( no snacks and watching portion sizes) and looked online for fashion inspiration. I then bought clothes online to find out what my sizes were and returned most of it and then shopped eBay. I know that my own mental health is improving and that my DD who is still incredibly sick worries less about 'breaking' me and feels less of a burden when I am like this. And I post every day on outfox the day thread on here for the discipline and inspiration.
Good luck, take baby steps

You sound amazing and I'm sorry you've had such a dreadful time. Life really isn't fair.

My tip is to focus first on the things that you enjoy. For me, that would be clothes but, if thinking about that just makes you feel even more down then maybe treat yourself to some perfume? (There's a very friendly perfume thread that I often read, even though I don't wear it myself.) Or skincare (again there's a long running thread) or some beautiful jewellery or a bag or shoes....

Or, if none of that really interests you then I'd focus on something that does: books, films, gardening... whatever's likely to bring you some pleasure because I think the priority is to lift your mood so that you feel better able to tackle some of the other stuff.

The health and exercise tips are good too. Wishing you all the best.

Just do what you enjoy for dieting and exercising. I.e. only cut out things you could go without and just be moderate and if you feel low and need a snack do something else instead like text a friend hello or five star jumps. I think if you're not forcing yourself to do something against you're own will you'll be fine- make it something you can love doing and learning about.