Help! newish baby no time for self care

[Sobloodyexhausted]

Help I look a state and it’s making me sad. DD is 10 months and I still look like I have a newborn. I rarely wear my contacts because my eyes are too dry and tired (I have thick lensed glasses for astigmatism.) My hair is a long dyed frizzy mess with an inch of regrowth and lots of grey. I rarely get time to wash it more than once a week atm let alone style it. My armpits and legs need a shave and my teeth are pale yellow.
I used to be quite stylish and fond of the way I looked now I hate it. I’m avoiding seeing friends as lock down lifts because of it.

Any tips for carving out a little me time? Dad is quite hands (especially with our two older boys) but also works long hours so the time I can hand over the baby to him feels like gold dust. I feel a bit vain asking him for help with this when there’s so many more importantly things I could do with this time around the house. No grand parents / relatives close by to help and DD only sleeps for 20 mins max if not glued to a boob which is something but not enough time to do tricky manoeuvres like dyeing hair.

I know it’s possible to look better than I do as I see loads of stylish mums with babies - how do they do it?

How old are older boys ?
They can watch baby?
Hire a childminder one day a week.

Washing your hair isn’t being vain. I bet your OH shaves every day.

Older boys are 12 and 9 but a bit crap looking after her tbh. They get distracted by tv or gaming and I’ll come in to find her chewing on a usb cable of trying to help herself to their snacks (often chocking hazards like m&ms.

The child minder idea would be absolute heaven - I might save up for that!

Good point 4paws

I'd be working on the napping so that you then have an hour or two to yourself. 20mims must be he

But you are not alone. My son is 21 months and I rarely shave! I just don't have time/can't be arsed. Don't out makeup on much nowadays. I did get my hair cut and coloured which made me feel great.
Can't fit into any pre- baby clothes though and now I'm pregnant again. There's no hope lol

Horehound - congrats on your pregnancy. I’m kicking myself that I got into the habit of letting her sleep in the boob - I’m too much of a softie! At the moment I have to wait until she’s deep asleep then slip away from her. Then I spend the next 20 minutes (if I’m lucky) watching the baby cam making sure she doesn’t spring up and fall off the bed. But that’s a whole other issue! We have a cot bed on order atm.

Book a hair appointment when your husband is around for the baby.
Book a wax if you want.
It's not vain to want some time to have a shower and wash your hair and do a bit of grooming.

It sounds like you need to allow yourself to do this stuff.

Lapoo - you are right. I seem to get stuck in this mindset that I should be focused on the baby and all that stuff shouldn’t matter but of course it does. This happened with my other babies too. My solution last time was to cut off all my hair into a manageable but not too flattering crop and go make up less for a year or so but I’m (a lot) older this time and the years have not been forgiving!

I also have a 10 month old and am trying the carving out time for me! Mines crawling so every second currently feels like I need a million arms.

Do you have a cot? 20-25 minutes with toys in a cot whilst I can grab some time to me is working wonders at the moment! He's super happy and I'm re getting some me time to! I also echo the naps helping heaps we don't always nap for long but it feels great to do non baby things for a while

Not cheap but I get a Brazilian blow dry at the hairdressers. Then I have a 15 minute shower every morning before DH starts work and that’s enough time to wash hair, shave legs. I put baby on the play mat with toys next to me whilst I put make up on (nothing fancy, takes minutes) and style hair (doddle thanks to Brazilian blow dry). I draw the line at anything like nails unless it’s a special occasion. I think I look pretty ok! It’s important to look after yourself, showering and hair washing is basic stuff, not at all vain.

Put the baby in a jumperoo or play pen or cot and do your make up! My daughter is 8 months, I don't do my makeup much but I do focus on skin care in the evening and this has made me feel great.

Don't feel guilty leaving your baby with your partner... he's her dad!! I left her with him yesterday to get my nails done and it's a brilliant boost 😊.

At ten months the baby doesn't need to be glued to you 24/7 (unless you want her to be). Looking after your self and feeling good is part of your mental well-being as is just as important as housework x

Do these tasks after baby has gone to bed and get DH to monitor? Your other children are old enough to watch TV while you have a shower. Or what about on a weekend morning while DH gives baby breakfast?

Honestly? Have a lower earning husband. My OH works 30 hour and earns a lot less than me but he does more than me with the kids/around the house so I have more time to rest and do my own thing. But the we don't have new cars/massive house etc. Depends what you want out of life 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can’t you dye/wash you hair in the evening when the baby has gone to bed?

I have a 9.5 month old who is quite clingy and a pretty awful sleeper. I have to bring her in the bathroom with me and keep her entertained. Snug seat with hey bear sensory on my phone buys about 20mins, although at the moment she prefers standing against it rather than sitting in it

Have you tried any of the salon treatments for your hair, (obviously not recently, if you haven't had time and also covid)?

There's one I tried which is a straightening type treatment but if you wash it off early (as I did) it keeps the frizz away while still having a bit of a wave etc. The one I had is called Kerastraight but I'm sure there are different ones. You have to have a longish salon appointment to begin with, but it means styling after that is pretty straightforward. It lasts a good while, or does on me.

Similarly with makeup, you could get eyebrows and lashes tinted or even eyebrow lamination. Again, the initial outlay in terms of time would be a bit time consuming, but after that it would make getting ready a bit easier.

Re other mums; they may have easy least babies, family help, nannies etc, or live with a qualified beautician! Not everyone looks groomed within a year of having a baby. I'm only getting round to it now and my youngest is 3 and he wasn't even a tricky baby

Hair cut.
Once a week you get a 30 minute pamper session where DH can look after everyone and you can have a face mask and relax. Or a long bath. You need him to step up a bit as you should be able to have time to wash your hair.

Could baby play in the cot by themselves while you shower?

Easy peasy*

What is a Brazilian blow dry??

Really great tips here thank you!
Currently I don’t get much baby free time at night either as she senses I’m gone about 20 mins after I leave her side and then she takes ages to get back to sleep. I will work on this once our cotbed arrives but meanwhile it seems less stressful to stay with her.

Currently I Cosleep and go to bed with her around 8pm /9pm get some extra kip and DH puts boys to bed (they don’t need much help as they are older just need nagging to go up and a quick tuck in!)

I’m going to ask DH to have her while I dye my hair tomorrow as I think that’s going to have a lot of impact on my self view. I reckon if I set everything up ready I’ll only need him for about 40 mins - 15 mins while I apply ( my hair is really long and needs two boxes) and then 25 mins to dry and style. The half hour while it takes, I can play with /bf her as long as my hair is well secured with a bath cap plus extra plastic bags.

This might sound snarky but I honestly don't mean it to. I'm struggling to see why your DH can't have her for an hour while you dye your hair, including the bit while you wait. I did mine a few weeks back and my baby is a newborn. I fed the baby before I went upstairs. Then his dad took care of him and our 2 other kids. Just a totally normal thing. At 10 months why can't your DH just take her out for an hour or so? I agree that washing your hair isn't a luxury or vanity. I bet your DH washes his hair as often as he needs to. Bet he spends as long as he likes having a poo!

Not snarky at all FreshFace - very valid point. What usually happens if DH has her for more than a few minutes is he’ll start getting anxious saying she seems hungry (which she usually isn’t she’s just teethy) or he’ll sort of follow me around while I’m doing whatever it is and of course she will then reach out for me. I think him taking her out with a cup of expressed milk is better solution as you say.

She's ten months. Isn't she having solids? She should be able to manage without milk for a while. Your dh needs to take her more, and get an exersaucer to put her in.

If your DH just follows you around, get him to plonk the baby in the pushchair and take her for a walk.

I think, and I don’t mean to sound harsh, that there is a difference between self care and basic hygiene. Showering and washing your hair is not a luxury. Park the baby in the cot or playpen or jumperoo in the morning and take 15 mins to have a quick shower.

Ah so what you have it a dh problem.