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Wavering on the lockdown grey grow-out - talk me round!

33 replies

EyesWithAFace · 18/01/2021 15:53

Like many(?) others I decided to use lockdown to finally grow out my grey, and was inspired and cheered by several previous threads on the subject.
I am in my late fifties, and my original colour was a medium-darkish brown. I have coloured my hair (at home) since about my thirties, originally for "fun" (eg. to make it a bit darker or auburnish) then to cover greys.
I used to use permanent dyes then about 5 years ago switched to semi-permanent as I thought it would be less damaging to my hair. However for the past few years it just looked crap, as the dye made it orangey-brown and I had to dye the roots every few weeks.

So, I decided to join the lockdown bandwagon, and last dyed it in March 2020. I have about 4-5 inches of grey, and browny/reddish at the ends (also about 4-5 inches, as it's shoulder length).
It looks terrible but I'm trying to stick with it till all the dyed hair has grown out.
I'm really struggling with the psychology of it, as I see myself as a brunette, not a grey-haired old person. Sometimes (in certain lights) I think it'll turn out OK, but most of the time I just feel drab and dowdy.
I really want to stick it out, as I'll have to embrace the grey one day, so why not now? The dyed hair was very aging anyway, but at least I felt like me.
I also want to stick with it as a statement - why can men my age and younger go grey without comment, but women can't?

OP posts:
ChristinaRussell · 18/01/2021 16:09

I don't have a solution but I know what you mean. I'm mid-fifties and I've continued dyeing my hair through lockdown although at one point my roots were a good couple of inches. I felt so dreary though. I see other women who've done it (or who went quite grey fairly young) and some look fantastic (especially if they're stylish anyway) but, honestly, some do look frumpy. (By the way, I don't mean women should dye their hair to look appealing to other people - if you are happy then great). Call it a lifetime of patriarchal conditioning, but if I see myself in the mirror and I don't like the image then it affects my mood and self-confidence.
If I knew I could grow it out and it would be a beautiful silvery mane then perhaps I'd feel better about it, but it wouldn't be - I'd resemble a grumpy badger.

Cocolapew · 18/01/2021 16:20

I'm 52 and grew mine out a couple of years ago. I shaved my head so didn't have any old dye on it. But that's not for everyoneGrin.
FB pages like Grombre UK and Silver Revolution are good to see others growing out.
I love mine but there will be someone along in a minute to tell you its horribly aging and anyone who doesn't think so is deluding themselves 🙄

Fairyliz · 18/01/2021 16:23

I think whether you look stylish or frumpy really depends on your colouring. So if you are ‘cool’ then grey hair will look fab as it matches your clothes.
If you are warm colouring think there is more of a clash with grey hair and say creamy colours.
If you are warm colouring do you think you would be better going blond? I know it’s still colouring your hair but you could perhaps leave it longer in between and the roots wouldn’t be so noticeable.
Obviously this is only my opinion and I could be talking a load of rubbish.

MadameButterface · 18/01/2021 16:28

you do you op. I am a hairdresser and after lockdown pt 1 I have had a few clients considering growing their grey out, because they don't want to be stuck with a choice of massive roots or a DIY job, and I have been happy to help them with managing the transition, I am definitely more about giving people hair that works for them than pushing a service on to them. I think we will see a definite cultural shift in attitudes towards grey hair on women.

hair is definitely a big part of how we project our idea of ourselves into the world, and a change in hair can feel like a big deal, particularly if it's partly or wholly due to circumstances beyond your control. You've correctly identified that seeing grey hair = 'old person' is more to do with cultural attitudes towards how women are allowed to look rather than it genuinely being more ageing for a woman to be grey than for a man.

on to what you can do. there's what to do in the long term, and what to do in the short term. to help yourself stay motivated to stick with the grow out, make a Pinterest board/screenshots folder of hair inspiration pictures. look at facebook groups such as Going Gorgeously Grey or insta hashtags like #shegreygrey. Then have a think to yourself, the women in the pictures you like, what else is it about their look that you like? what sort of colours/styles do they wear in terms of clothes and make up? and start to think about overhauling other aspects of how you look, so that when the grow out is done, you'll have this whole image, which is a deliberate style choice on your part, not forced on you by time, age or lockdown, just you, expressing something about how you want to present. It's putting yourself back mentally in control of how you look, after feeling that that control has been taken from you, and relearning that shock horror it is possible to be a woman over 40 and a grey haired one at that, and STILL have fun and joy playing with your appearance.

tinting your brows and lashes, if they are pale too, will help you feel less washed out.

as for how to manage the half and half hair, if your hair is shoulder length, have a look at easy up does. having the coloured part of your hair back and away from your face will make it more normal for you and anyone you go on a zoom call with to see yourself with your natural colour. Even something like hair stuck back in a twist with a hair claw then a scarf or bandana tied round like a retro land girl/ rockabilly type look takes seconds and looks like 'hey I did a thing to my appearance' rather than 'this is what I look like mehhhhhhhh' . depending on what your style is obvs. messy buns, twists, Gibson rolls etc are all a piece of piss to master and either disguise two tone hair or make it look like a deliberate thing.

Good luck to you with it. And there is no shame in thinking hmm well actually I kind of want to go back to colouring my hair, if that's what you decide to do. If you do this though, I would wait until salons are back open and go in for a proper consultation at a really good one and talk through some options about lower maintenance services like foils, and what type and shade of colour will be less ageing and not give you such harsh root demarcation. As our hair loses pigment, our skin colour changes too, this is why it looks so bad when people continue having the exact same hair colour they had when they were younger. so you may want to look at lighter, cooler, ashier tones if you do go back to colouring.

Randomrebel · 18/01/2021 16:48

I have similar natural hair colouring to you OP and mid 50’s. I had it dyed at the hairdressers more auburn/reddy as I disliked the grey. Hairdresser persuaded me to go much lighter blonde to disguise the greys coming up for two years ago (which I really loved). I decided to maybe grow the greys in around Sept 19. I had a decent cut and a toner put on every so often at the hairdressers and conditioning treatment. Then came lockdown 1. I have persevered with growing the grey out and have put loads of weight on so I don’t feel good. Some days I feel I look ghostly. I am pale and my hair is curly and as I am not going anywhere I haven’t bothered with dressing up or make up. I am going to persevere until say easter and have a good cut ask the hairdressers advice but looking back on old photos the auburn red was too harsh and looks too false. The one good thing is my hair is in much better condition and it feels liberating.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 18/01/2021 16:55

Lovely, inspiring post MadameB*. Thank you.

Mine's not been dyed since January 2020. At first I really liked it, but it's looking a bit of a mess now as I'm overdue a cut too. However, I'm going to keep going, and maybe get it cut quite a bit shorter when lockdown ends. The condition of it is so much better.

yumscrumfatbum · 18/01/2021 16:56

I'm 47 and also decided to stop dying my hair during the first lockdown. I have been dyeing my hair since first having highlights at 15. For the last 6 years I've had whole base colours to hide greys and they always ended up looking orangey. I've enjoyed the process, I feel quite badass when all my female friends and family express their horror! I'm not as grey as I'd anticipated and it looks pretty wierd. I've think its a lot to do with the condition of your hair and having a good cut. Stick at it op!

Mooserp · 18/01/2021 17:05

I'm still on the bandwagon too. Last dyed in Feb 2020.

Mine is dark grey at the back and light at the front (with some darker random blocks). The growing out colour is blonde.

I work from home and on video calls it looks fine. I don't look in the mirror very often which also helps. As does wearing a woolly hat when out.

I don't know if I will go back to having it dyed again. I don't enjoy going to the hairdressers and I'd worry about it going patchy or orange if I did it myself.

ChristinaRussell · 18/01/2021 17:14

@MadameButterface
Great post - thank you. It's actually made me wonder whether I could grow mine out too...

MadameButterface · 18/01/2021 17:40

aww bless you Remus and Christina! I really really miss doing hair, talking about hair, thinking about hair hahaha. I specialise in curly/textured hair so helping women enjoy their hair as it naturally grows out of their head, despite being told by conventional beauty standards that it's unkempt, messy, unruly, unprofessional looking etc etc is a big part of my job, and the part that is most satisfying. I'm going slightly grey myself and have no intention of covering it, 2 weeks of perfect hair vs 4 weeks of thinking 'oh shit my roots' doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Flowers
StillMedusa · 18/01/2021 19:29

I ditched the dye 4 years ago..and still have doubts some days. Mines a mix of grey and brown, and thanks to covid is also now really long.
The grow out is the pits, but once the old colour is all gone it feels very freeing, and my hair is so healthy.
I'm 53, with boob length grey streaked hair and honestly... I don't think colouring it again would fool anyone into thinking I'm younger..my face IS 53 Grin

I'd sy persevere as you've gone so far.. wait til all the colour has gone, if you hate it you can always colour again.

GreyHare · 18/01/2021 23:05

I grew mine out years ago, and I think you are at a really hard stage when you still have previous colour and a huge chunk of roots, I would persevere if you can.

I have left several hairdressers when they look at my hair tilt their head and suggest colouring it and go on to tell me they could never go grey, I love the fact that I'm not tied to spending hours at the hairdressers or splodging dye all over myself at home and then watching the roots come through after a few weeks, I also get some strange kick from the fact that some friends/family are aghast that I "have let myself go' but my hair up until this year as it needs a cut and I missed out getting to the hairdresser so it's not been cut since February and it a little frazzled on the ends has never been so shiny and soft.

EyesWithAFace · 19/01/2021 19:08

Thanks all - lovely replies that articulate how I'm feeling, and have encouraged me to stick with it.
A few of you said it makes you feel a bit rebellious, and I relate to this - it's so difficult going against the grain that it helps to think of it as rebelling.
I dread people "pretending" when they see me that it looks nice (or just OK), when I know they're really thinking it looks terrible and that I've let myself go, but I can't control their thoughts so I'll just have to live with that feeling.
I will stick it out though I think, at least to see what it looks like when all grown out. I reckon another 6 months and a good haircut should do it. At least in the meantime I've saved time and money, and hopefully given my scalp and hair a boost from the lack of chemicals.

I'm thinking that eventually I might resort to some sort of highlights/lowlights (I'm clueless about these), either dark or blondish, depending on what a hairdresser (I don't have one yet) advises.

A special mention to you @MadameButterface. You sound like a fabulous hairdresser and your post is very eloquent. I was wondering what part of the country you are in as I'd love you to advise me on my hair and give me a lovely cut (and possibly high/lowlights when the time comes) Smile

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 19/01/2021 21:00

Ohhhh @EyesWithAFace that’s such a lovely comment. it would be my absolute pleasure to be your hairdresser if you’re near me. I have pm’d you 😊

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2021 21:06

I also want to stick with it as a statement - why can men my age and younger go grey without comment, but women can't

In this instance, You do know the only person commenting is you, right? You’re in lockdown, it’s the voice in your own head, not anyone else’s. You’re the one who doesn’t like it. You’re the one who thinks it looks drab and dowdy.. you’re the one planning how to add colour back in.

You can’t ask why you can’t do it without comment, when literally the negative comments are your own.

So you need to decide if you can get past your own negativity. If you can’t then colour it, if you can, then other people will be fine with it. No one meets a woman whose hair is grey and says the things about her that you say about yourself.

EyesWithAFace · 20/01/2021 15:13

No one meets a woman whose hair is grey and says the things about her that you say about yourself.
I'm not so sure about that, judging by some negative comments on all the other going grey threads, where people have said that they've told friends their grey hair looks great whilst secretly thinking it looks awful.

OK, I have said that I might consider having some high/lowlights when it's all grown out, but so what? I'll still have mostly grey hair and hopefully I'll be OK with it. I'm just waiting to see how the overall grey looks in terms of shades/tones, and if it looks OK I'll leave it be.

Sorry if you think I'm being negative, but it's a hard process psychologically and I was only looking for some support.

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 20/01/2021 16:00

@EyesWithAFace There's been a lot about grey hair recently, even in magazines like Vogue. Like you, I'm half way there - the dyed part of my hair is light blonde. I'm being open-minded on mine - a work in progress. I've been gradually trimming off the length myself during lockdown. My husband has always been very vocal on my hair, saying he thinks grey hair is ageing. However now that the grey is very visible he really likes it. I put a toning shampoo on it recently and that has really helped the blonde look less blonde. I'm coming round to thinking I will definitely keep the grey. I think confidence is key - looking at appropriate makeup colours and also clothes that complement that grey hair colour. I'm quite excited and can't wait to get rid of the blonde!!! Don't let other people put you off - do what you feel comfortable with.

CleverCatty · 20/01/2021 16:04

Personally for me - got ash dark blonde/light brown (mouse) hair which I've almost always coloured (highlights etc).

A few years ago I noticed I had two lovely long white witchy strands either sides of ears, rest of hair was fine.

You couldn't get me back to the hair salon to get it coloured over quick enough and a few years later I'm still not brave enough to go completely grey though the odd speck is fine.

I'm not saying to you I think it looks awful or that your friends are saying behind your back that it looks awful but think about this. I'd maybe have colour pulled through if you can?

DelphiniumBlue · 21/01/2021 22:57

ive had a few ash brown lowlights put in to ease the transition between silvery roots at the front and brown dyed ends. It looks much better, more like it's meant. I had them done in August after not having done the roots since February. It still looks alright now, there's no stark root lines.
I had to go to 4 different hairdressers to find one who sounded positive and knowledgable about what she was doing, the rest rest were really not very helpful. My longterm hairdresser actually said that "grey is so ugly."
I just can't be doing with touching up roots every few weeks, and was beginning to worry about putting chemicals on my head so often. Yes, I don't look 35 or even 40, but as I am 60 that's hardly surprising. DH is quite silver in the front, and my younger brother is silver all over. No-one is suggesting they should dye their hair.

CrotchBurn · 21/01/2021 23:18

Colour it. This embrace the grey thing is made out to sound like a political statement or new approach to living but it's just another trend.

ManicDreamPixie · 21/01/2021 23:55

Like you OP my hair was darkish brown. I'm 59 and around my face the hair is very white. A few years ago I had some blonde highlights in and have gradually gone lighter. This prevents the 2 week badger stripe that was the babe of my life.its now a now ashy t/silvery blonde, which seems to work well with my warm skin tone and rosacea, and is much more forgiving non regrowth. My plan is to gradually work to silver, and then stop the colour when I retire. My mum was pretty white at 65, so m hoping to be the same. From what I see a good intentional proper style and regular maintenance will still be needed. Just letting it grow and be is for teenagers, and I would look a bit deranged and mad old ladyish if I simply let it alone. Price of old age.

CommanderBurnham · 22/01/2021 08:23

I'd say stick it out. It probably needs a good cut before you can judge how it looks. Can you trim the ends yourself?

There are all sorts of products for grey too to change the tone of it so have a look at those.

It sounds like this is the hardest part, but luckily no ones going anywhere so it's the best opportunity you're ever likely to have to get past the stripy stage without many people noticing.

XingMing · 22/01/2021 10:17

Keep going OP. I grew my colours out about three years ago, and it wasn't too painful for too long (about 9 months) because I have always had short hair. The colour is okay, and silvering well. I'm almost 65.

One positive I have noticed on Zoom calls in lockdown is that my skin, even without makeup, looks much younger than that of people who continue to colour their hair, and I am the second to oldest of four women. While I do have good skin (thanks mum) and am fairly disciplined about skincare and diet, grey hair can be less ageing than you fear.

AlwaysLatte · 22/01/2021 10:32

I do think that however you wear it, grey is ageing. I was naturally an auburny light brown, but I decided to go for overall root cover (at the salon) with an overall tint put through to the ends. My stylist found a great colour which is a honey blonde colour which eventually fades to now show the silver roots too much by the time the next appt is due. Of course now that is overdue! But definitely going lighter means the regrowth is less visible. If you don't decide to go silver don't be tempted to dye it yourself - do wait to get it done professionally!

AlwaysLatte · 22/01/2021 10:33

*to not show the roots too much