Help - funeral dress for a casual dresser

[Bananagram99]

Name change for this as it could be outing.

A very close relative is in the final stages of cancer and it's not looking like she will have long left, and we will be looking at a funeral in the next month or two.

I don't want to have to rush to find something to wear, or get worried about what I'm wearing, so want to find something in advance.

I don't ever dress up - live in jeans and t-shirts - and don't own any smart shoes. I'm 5ft4, late 20s and a size 14. Please can anyone help?

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying.

skyliner people deal with things differently. My DH bought me a dress suit to wear for his funeral, because he knew I wouldn't want to go shopping after he died, and really liked the style of the suit (I had it in a bright colour already so he knew I would like it). People have displacement activities when grieving, and grief can start before the actual death.

Will it be a black funeral or coloured clothes? (I assume black but apologies if wrong)

I'm sure your beloved relative wouldn't want to cause you any stress. So darkest jeans, sombre blouse/top and a blazer over the top. Really the most important thing is that you are there.

🙄🙄

@Skyliner001

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying.

So do I and never thought I would, but this is just how I'm coping with it.

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying

What a horrible comment

I'm so sorry about your relative

Do you have any black ankle boots? If so, I would probably just get a simple dress and black tights and wear them with it. We had a family funeral last week and that's how most women were dressed.

So sorry you’re having to think about this.
It isn’t compulsory to wear a dress . At my father’s funeral last year many wore trousers. Black or dark blue jeans would be perfectly acceptable with a dark top & jacket or coat depending on weather.
Nobody will be really concerned about what you’re wearing, I promise, they’ll just be glad that you are there.

Plain black or navy trousers, any black shoes you like (flats or ankle boots in a style you’re comfortable with), a shirt or plain top.

Do you have a suitable coat?

@Skyliner001

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying.

This is such a horrible and unnecessary thing to say, and to follow it with rolling eyes emojis as well... OP - I can completely understand why you are trying to manage a difficult situation which is out of your control by thinking about something which you can control. In answer to your original question, funeral clothes are so much more casual than they used to be. If you prefer trousers, then go with those (probably not jeans though), with a jacket or dark coat. Any darker colour eg navy or charcoal grey would usually be fine as well.

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying.

I don’t, I think she is being pragmatic. I also agree that this is a horrible comment

When MIL was in the late stages of dementia DH bought a suit because he didn’t have one, and knew that he needed one. He is tall and skinny with long arms and legs, and didn’t want to look like a clown at his mother’s funeral when the time came. So, he had time to buy a suit that fitted properly, and he looked smart at her funeral.

OP At this time of year you will probably have your coat on, so what you wear underneath won’t really matter. As long as you are clean and tidy, and dressed respectfully people won’t notice what you are wearing.

I’m sorry you are going through this

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trousers

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I'm sorry you're going through all of this OP. Ignore Skyliner. My Dsis planned and arranged her own funeral before she passed away. It's the only thing she had any control over.

You don't need to wearing a dress. Smart trousers and top area fine.

I have sadly been to so many funerals in the past ten years that I now have a couple of designated dresses that I keep packed away in case I need something black ( I normally never wear black).

For my parents’ funerals I asked advice on here. I bought something different each time, and then sold it later on ebay, as I literally couldn’t look at the dresses without feeling upset. So you need to factor in that as this is someone close to you, you will probably not want to wear the thing again. Either get something that you can stick on ebay, or something that would be happy to give to a charity shop, just in case.
The dresses I have put away are a viscose jersey midi dress from Boden, in a flattering shape, and a dress for warmer weather that is a plain black , midi length wrap from & Other Stories.
If the funeral is likely to be a burial then you need shoes with a reasonably sturdy heel, or flat shoes, as mud and heels don’t work together.
Weather is vile at the moment so you will need a coat or mac in a dark colour, grey or navy fine if you don’t have black, but probably you can borrow a coat if necessary ?
If the funeral is entirely indoors you may still be outside at some point, either waiting to enter, or talking to people there, so a small umbrella is a good idea.
Black trousers are fine with a white, cream , grey or pale blue shirt, then a cardigan or jacket, if you don’t like dresses. I find dresses easy as then just one garment plus a cardigan in cold churches, but I have also worn a black or grey skirt with a black sweater.
I am very sorry you are in this situation. I also thought about what I might wear before my Mum died, as we knew it would only be days. I remember feeling worried that once she died I might fall apart and not be able to think of anything. In the end I chose something after she had died, but there is nothing wrong with planning now, as the time after a death is so hard, and so full of things to do.
for you OP.

@Skyliner001

For some reason I find the fact that your relative hasn't even died and you are already considering what you were going to wear to the funeral absolutely horrifying.

If you don't even know the reason for being horrified, maybe that's your problem.

Perhaps OP hasn't much experience of funerals, and clearly knows there's expectations of what to wear and what not to wear, so wants to get it right out of respect for the person she is about to lose?

Shame on you.

I'd go with black trousers, dark grey tunic or similar. Smart black boots/shoes but don't spend a fortune on those if they won't be worn much.

I have several funeral outfits (occupational hazard). I would suggest that you wear something you are comfortable in eg black skirt and thick tights and black boots plus a plain top - cream, white, black or purple perhaps which is traditional. If it's at a church expect it to be cold so a coat that's not brightly coloured (borrow if needed) is ideal, or a cardigan.

I have a black shift dress myself, 10 years old and has been through 100 or more funerals but don't buy something you won't wear again, things aren't as formal today

A plain black dress with black tights and shoes would be fine. Or A black suit. Lots of places have sales on at the moment.

I used to wear a smeary work suit in black or navy, usually trousers. For my mum I had a bright summer dress ( her request) and we planned her funeral with her before she died. And therefore could book it all the day she died ( distant close relatives meant we needed to be quick after a lingering death). It felt right for my family. For my dad I bought a dark grey knitted dress and wore that with low heels. He would have appreciated me being a bit dressed up for him. I've worn the dress a few times but think of it as 'dad's dress'.

I think you are doing a really sensible, pragmatic thing. Death is shit especially drawn out deaths from cancer. However you choose to cope is fine. Don't stress about other people. If you want to stick to a slightly smarter version of your normal, that's okay. Take care

'Smart' work suit. Apologies

My Dad died this time last year
I bought a black slouchy sweater dress from All Saints which I wore with black boots and opaques
I was comfortable warm and not too formal which felt right for me and to pay respect to him
I wore his favourite (on me) perfume - Dior Addict
My sympathies are with you at this difficult time

I have been to a fair few funerals in recent years and definitely think things are more casual now. You don’t have to wear black and you don’t have to “dress up.”
Sadly at present funerals are likely to be very reduced in size, no receiving line and no wake so I think what you wear will matter even less.
Sorry you are going through this OP.

Ignore the nasty comment above, last year my uncle died and he wanted everyone to wear blue, sinK wore an ivory and blue skirt. My mother-in-law is facing with dementia and as she's 90 is unlikely that she'll last much longer, I've an &other stories dress and black ankle boots

I wore a cardigan of my Mum's as part of my outfit for her funeral. Like getting a hug.

I have a dark grey Boden dress. Usually wear a black blazer over it or a grey coat depending on weather, and black shoes
It's pretty muted and works for most situations