The Divorce Make-Over?

[Separatedat41]

Did any of you change your image after getting divorced?

I’m thinking of cleaning up my diet, losing about a stone & getting a new haircut & lifestyle (a healthier one - I comfort ate a lot in my marriage).

Did any of you do that?

I did the opposite 🤣 I'd had my weight closely monitored and he booked me into things like a series of boot camps 6 weeks after my 4th birth etc... So I lived off wine and cheese for the past 2 years since leaving him 🤣
Now I want to sort myself out a bit, but for me the emotional ties around controlling my food intake etc is still quite fraught. I can do it, but I feel like I'm doing it because of his control, and I don't like that feeling, so I eat something he would criticise me for to 'show him' (he would never know, he has minimal contact with me/ the kids).
So... I thought I would but I haven't! And I'd love to- I did dye my hair for the first ever time and got a lovely haircut. Also got a tattoo last year, small and subtle but he would think that is so 'common' 🤣
But I'd say go for it, even if I didn't manage it!! 👍🏼👍🏼

Believe me, I can see why you did the opposite @mynamechangemyrules My ex didn’t like my eating habits at all and a part of me has that ‘I’ll show him’ in me but I also just feel less pressure to comfort eat now. That said I haven’t actually stopped comfort eating or started doing any of what I said above.

I just feel like my life needs an overhaul: less alcohol, less unhealthy comfort binges, better sleep, increased fitness ... I know it might be hard but surely worth it.

Has anyone done that successfully?

Oh god I hope a success story comes along to inspire us!

My friend IRL has done this, she looks fab, took up running for her mental health and enjoys it as space to think, and looks amazing.

I didn't deliberately do it after divorce, it just sort of happened naturally.

I didn't have to second guess what I was eating, drinking, wearing, watching, saying etc. So I naturally became more of my real self, if that makes sense !

It took a while to figure it out, but I do loads more sport now (road and mountain biking and running, even a bit of horse riding now that I haven't done for decades), wear floaty things sometimes that he definitely wouldn't have approved of, and the list goes on.

I think it takes a while to work out what's just a rebellion against them, versus finding your true self, but in my case it just happened in its own time.

Go for it - do a hair cut change - if you don't like it, it'll grow back. Try some different clothes. Eat different stuff. Sign up to a sports club or whatever. Now it's only up to you whether you like it or not, it's a liberating feeling!

Thanks. Good for you! Sounds great!

I think I’m going to stalk the haircut as it screams ‘divorce cut’ but health & fitness is going to be the goal. I’ve a history of comfort-eating and my ex criticised and got angry at my eating habits a lot. I think I’m just going to try to (slowly & healthily) lose the stone to be at my best weight and tone up. I feel like I’m running out of time for kids and all that but I have to accept that right now is not the right time to go man-hunting! I think a health & fitness regime could help — I’m just talking about quitting booze and going for a brisk daily walk & maybe some sit-ups. I’ve sweats wanted abs!

• stall, not stalk

*I’ve always wanted abs.

I think my main tip is make sure you’re strong enough for online dating!!!! Not sure I was and I found it tough!!

I’m
Not strong enough for online dating so I won’t be doing it yet. I’m going to focus on building myself up physically and mentally and then and only then I might try it again. I did it years ago, met men but found it super stressful and anxiety provoking so I’m not ready to go there again yet.

I want to look and feel my best first. The whole ‘focus on me’ cliché!

I sort of started before I left tbh when I had mentally left if you know what I mean. But not dramatically. I got some new make up, kept my hair cut regularly.
One thing I have done since leaving is grown in my grey, he hated the idea but I knew it would look much better and it does!
I've also recently lost a stone doing weight watchers and started yoga.
Its been over a year though and has been slowly and surely, not a dramatic image change as like you I didn't want it to scream divorce make over!

@Nighttimefreedom

Good for you! Yes, slow & steady wins the race. Growing in the grey sounds nice - & lower maintenance too.

Yeah I Just want to slowly work on myself within the range of what I can afford. The plan is:

1. Lose approximately 1 stone. I’m not going to obsess about this but I’m going to cut out the booze soon & cut way down on treats & snacks. Focus on hearty, healthy meals. No starvation diet here as it never lasts and then I just binge afterwards!
2. Go for a good brisk walk every day.
3. Spend time every day doing something other than work (hobby, hanging with friends, phoning family etc).
4. Get a facial as often as I can afford.
5. Stay up to date with body hair removal.
6. Keep my nails looking filed & good and get a very occasional manicure.
7. Get a good haircut (I still need a post-lockdown one! I look like Alanis Morissette in that ‘Thank You’ video these days!)
8. Buy a good shampoo from the salon where I get my hair cut.
9. Meditate every day.

10. Learn how to be patient with myself as I slowly break contact with my STBEXH dns slowly move on.

So, who’s in? It’s a 10 point plan!

I have done the reverse. Gained a stone over a year and a bit, and went from a fit size 8 to a flabby 10 and even though I can still dress well to hide it, my body confidence has gone massively down.

Don't comfort eat. It's hard to recover from.

*and

Thats awful mynamechange . I wasn't married but did come out of a horrible long term relationship. I can reccomend yoga and womens only kickboxing. I was more doing it to de-stress but the effext on my body has been AMAZING. Kickboxing is great on the upper arms and the legs (kills at first though) and also, frankly, its quite nice picturing exes face on the punch bag. I was a bit nervous about doing kickboxing but it was nice - its all very friendly people with a very wide range of body shapes and I liked that the emphasis wasnt on losing weight/looking good for other people but on building up strength for yourself as I think thats what I needed!

Oh, I also gave up alcohol but thats because I realised even a glass left me feeling depressed the next day. My skin looked AMAZING after a few weeks though so thats definately worth it!

I'm not divorced (not even married!) but I was a bit fed up of drinking all the time, I never drank huge quantities but it was little and often. I never used to get particularly hungover either but I just felt a bit "meh" and shit all of the time. I gave up drinking for one month and replaced alcohol with water. My skin looked incredible and I felt so much better and more energised in myself too!

That then snowballed into me joining the local leisure centre (through feeling better and having more energy), taking up swimming and gym classes and I ended up losing 3 stone!

Do something small, like giving up alcohol for a month or limiting how much you drink (for example) and just see what that can build and snowball into. Huge lifestyle overhauls don't usually work because its very overwhelming, but smaller incremental changes can be life changing!

@namitynamechange sounds exciting. Where do you do kickboxing? At a gym or outdoors, or with a PT? Any recommendations in London?

Very good point about the smaller incremental changes. Thank you! I have been drinking very frequently & I’m in the pits today and have been comfort-eating & sad all day! I wonder if I’d feel much less down if I gave up the booze. I look forward to my glass or two of wine every night but these days I wake up feeling pretty down & I can’t shake it today. I’m great at writing ten point plans but I’ve been on the couch eating chocolate as I write!

@AnaViaSalamanca

I understand . I’m flabby too. I have three big tyres on my tummy when I sit down. It’s hard not to comfort eat but you’re right - it is hard to come back from!

@AnaViaSalamanca yup that's what I did (well, I was never a size 8... 🤣 but the same up a size)
I can't decide whether to buy a load of 'fat clothes' because squeezing into clothes that have lasted me perfectly well for years and pre and post 4 pregnancies... or pull myself together and lose the bloody weight.

It is all about booze for me... 1 or 2 or 4 glasses after a busy day at work and managing to get all the children to bed, some crap snacks with it and then obviously every day post that needs comfort food- never ending cycle!!

Work will be amazingly intense for the next month, so maybe I should just drop the booze altogether before it gets worse....

I'm just focused on point 1 of your plan! Let's do this 💪🏼🤣

@AnaViaSalamanca Im not in the UK so cant help with London recommendations Im afraid, but its London so there should be loads :) I do it indoors in a sort of martial arts gym but they run women only classes (although sometimes after the kickboxing lesson is finished some of us join the boxing lesson in the room next door which is hitting individual punchbags). Kickboxing we partner up and do drills etc. It is really fun - Im not sure what the rules are in the UK for indoor exercise but I would 100% recommend it! Im happier doing women sessions because I think the vibe is different but Im sure mixed would be fine too.

@Separatedat41 honestly I was amazed at the difference drinking made to my mood. Mine is quite extreme though - if I have just a glass or so I can wake up the next day feeling either genuine depression or major anxiety :( Im on sertraline as well but I think not drinking made as much difference as the anti-depressant and I wasnt even a particularly heavy drinker to start with.

@mynamechangemyrules my x was like yours. I wouldn't have put on a gram and I was always out running.

I didn't put on weight when I left him but I made over my sense of my self. Things he'd mocked, I started to value them again. My ''crappy'' art projects. I listened to a lot of self-esteem clips on youtube, became more resilient. Detached. Responded instead of reacting. Over the years my inner voice became far less critical. It became kind. So things like an extra few pounds or hairy legs wouldn't even play on my mind.

When I divorced I was worried I would be crying into a glass of wine at night but It was the opposite and I hardly drink at all now and don’t miss it either.

I also grew my hair longer and went blonder and whitened my teeth. Only small things but they definitely made a difference to the overall effect.

I lost a stone due to the stress, I just couldn’t eat much for a few months. And it feels so good now to be slimmer. I’m now actively watching what I eat so that I don’t put the weight back on. I threw away all my bigger clothes that I used to wear to hide my body, and bought some new jeans and shirts that I actually tuck in instead of oversized baggy tops.

It does make me feel good about myself and more confident, so although I know it’s difficult to lose weight I’d definitely recommend you to go for it.