Coping with the uglies

[hiccupgate]

If you believe you are ugly - whether or not you actually are - how have you learned to cope?

I hate the way I look. Passionately. It has at times reduced me to tears and sometimes means that I don't want to leave the house.

I don't think I will ever feel as though my appearance is "passable" but at this point, I'd just like some coping mechanisms. I take care of my skin, nails, and hair. I wear make-up and feel like I dress okay (not great, just okay).

Any thoughts? Wasn't quite sure of the thread location, so happy for this to be moved somewhere more appropriate.

I hear you ...
I take make up and hairbrush out with me so I can touch up throughout the day.
I find myself avoiding eye contact with people so they hopefully don’t look back at me either.
I have lamps on in the House instead of big lights .
I prefer to meet people in the evening instead of daytime .
I always wear sunglasses when out
I will often wear a hat

I’m not saying these solve the issues but they make me feel a bit better about them.

I’m not beautiful, OP- and very aware of it- but I am interesting to look at and people tell me often that I’m attractive- though never pretty. strangers have said things like “you’re not pretty like the women in here ... but you’re STUNNING” or “you have the most sexy way of telling stories”. I’m often told “you’re absolutely not my usual type but there’s SOMETHING about you.”

It’s just confidence. It’s taken me YEARS to understand this, and to enjoy it. Years.

Look up Rossy DePalma. She’s a source of endless inspiration.

I'm sorry you feel this way.

I have, on and off, since puberty.

It feels like I was meant to be beautiful, but something happened, and I ended up being really quite plain...ugly at times (certainly had many years of having particular features being ridiculed by strangers, girls at school, etc).

I Do all the things you do and it does make me feel better. I've been slapping on the vitamin c and covering up a weird mark on my nose with concealer recently, eating better all that and I do like the way that makes me feel.

So what helped me come to terms with it...lots of different tweaks and adjustments to my mindset. The main thing was letting go of the idea that with the right diet or lipstick, anyone was ever going to say "my God, but you're gorgeous!". Sort of putting to bed the idea that anyone will find me physically irresitble. Thinking about my friends - do I notice their looks? Not really. Thinking bout my beautiful friends - do they have better lives than me? No. I came to the conclusion that I probably wasn't as dire as all that, and that my belief that I was uniquely ugly was probably just am other form of self-obsession. Does that make sense - like why am I of all people so especially hideous? (Answer - I'm not).

And then I thought ok so I'm never going to be beautiful, why don't I focus on doing better things with my inner life and mental energy? Be a beautiful person on the inside and do fun things and follow my passions etc. I stopped dieting and I have definitely gained at least an hour a day of my mindspace/internal dialogue back.

I'm finding it hard to put into words really. It's the end of the day and I'm tired! But basically I really tried to think about why I was so hung up on physical beauty over other qualities - and address that.

(Also I think if you do this now, ageing won't be such a bitch).

Good luck.

I’m embracing the face mask! Cover my eyes with sunglasses and I’m good to go - feel quite glamorous at times for the first time in my life.

you’re not pretty like the women in here ... but you’re STUNNING” or “you have the most sexy way of telling stories”. I’m often told “you’re absolutely not my usual type but there’s SOMETHING about you.”

What makes people think it's acceptable to constantly comment on a woman's appearance. Men never have to listen to that, no matter what they look like. We don't owe it to the world to look pretty.

I take comfort in the fact that everyone (if they are lucky enough to live to an old age) hates how they look eventually. At least you’ll never feel the sense of loss beautiful people must feel when they lose their looks!

What's helped me is focusing on the function and not 'beauty' of my body parts. For example, instead of wishing for almond-shaped eyes that can hypnotise people, find solace in the fact that you have eye-sight. That is a gift not everyone has and no surgeon is the world can cure blindness. If you're not fond of your legs, then remind yourself how they carry you to every destination. The minute I started to be grateful for my what my body does for me, I started to love it more.

Also who defines beauty? Visit different parts of the world and you'll see they value different things. What someone might consider 'ugly' someone else finds incredibly beautiful. Like another poster pointed out, we all lose our outer beauty with the age of time but inner beauty remains with us until our very last breath.

Change your mindset by shifting your focus. Hope that helps x

I've been there, OP.

My skin, up until i was about 35 was horrendous at times.
I used to wash my own face in the dark.

I’m ugly and fat. If I could I’d choose not to be, but it certainly bothers me less now at 51 than it ever has done.
I rarely wear makeup now and haven’t ever really been interested in nails etc. Pre lockdown I had my eyebrows shaped and my chin defuzzed once a month which obviously isn’t possible at the moment. I’ve left my eyebrows as they’re not too bad and dealt with my chin myself.
A brush through my hair, which I do have highlighted a couple of times a year, and pull on some leggings and a t-shirt and I’m good to go.
I’m low maintenance for various reasons including not really being interested in makeup and fashion, and lack of time and money. Plus you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear!

I used to play a people watching game where I try to find an ugly person - its impossible, of course people are different ages, and people meet conventional beauty standards to greate or lesser extents, but I've never passed someone on the street who was genuinely hideous - and everyones got something about them. Rationally therefore its highly unlikely that Im the only genuinely ugly person out of the tens of thousands Ive seen - and the same goes for you!

I look like Jeremy Clarkson sadly. There's not much I can do about that really as structurally I do have Jeremy's face. So I have concentrated on the things I can change, though I will certainly never be beautiful. My hair can look okay. I am a normal weight. I've had my eyebrows micro bladed - they now look okay, and my teeth invisaligned and whitened, they now look okay and have even once or twice attracted compliments! Before lockdown I had a smidge or botox for no11's and nails regularly painted. I'm about to try out contact lenses and it will be fab if possible to loose my thick varifocals. So now at best I can look liked a well groomed and slightly feminine version of Jeremy. Onwards and upwards I say and sod anyone who tries to bring me down!

Coming at it from the opposite side (and not trying to cause trouble, more to highlight that is just perception) but I feel sure that I am beautiful and sexy with a lovely figure.

I genuinely get a shock when I see photos of myself (let alone videos) or get on the scales and realise that I am actually pretty plump and at best average looking. I tend to blame the photographer or mirror or lighting.

I clearly have confidence in myself but I suspect it is misplaced. My point is that it is all about confidence rather than reality.

@Fidgety31 Yes, wow. Awful isn’t it. I sometimes walk along looking at the floor hoping people don’t notice me.

@SickOfNorthernExile. I’ve never heard of Rossy DePalma. I’ve just looked her up – wow! I think she’s very striking and definitely seems to own her looks.

@1Bobbinwinder yup severe bullying about my looks at school is pretty much the root cause of all of this. I still believe them. I certainly feel better about myself when I do make the effort, but even then, I often catch a glimpse in the mirror or see a photo and my heart sinks. I just don’t know how to get over that sinking feeling. I think your advice about focusing elsewhere is down the right path towards acceptance.

@FairyLights2 – actually love the idea of this, thank-you.

I’m going through some compassionate mind therapy at the moment and while I can sometimes talk myself around on other aspects of my life where I’m being self-critical, my looks seem to be a massive blocker.

@janetmendoza you sound great :)

This is very sad. I hear it though.

If I hold my face absolutely still and hold a pose, I think I look passable. But I know that as soon as my face moves I am laughably awkward.

My mouth moves in a terrible way which is very off putting to look at. Having seen myself on video I am genuinely surprised I have people who seem to like spending time with me.

I have very vivid recollections of seeing a young girl on the x-factor. Early stages - the proper nonsense bits. Her mouth moves just like mine and Simon cowell told her that no one wanted to watch someone gurn like that and threw her off. It was astonishing and really re-ignited my feelings about my stupid mouth.

For the most part I just roll with it but sadly lockdown has meant facing my own ugly face in more video conferences than I could name.

I am an otherwise successful adult however. I have a good job, a husband and two fabulous children. I would be so sad if they felt the way I feel that it makes me push it aside. However whenever people say how alike my eldest is to me i am both astonished (as to me she is angelic in her beauty) and sorry that she may have my awful phizog

@namitynamechange that is exactly true! When i see strangers just wandering along I never think “oh goodness, look how ugly that person is”

I am sure there was a study done where people described themselves to a portrait artist and then strangers described them to an artist. The descriptions from strangers were always more favourable and positive

I haven't learnt to cope, I'm as insecure as I always was. It's worse nowadays somehow because of social media, relentless photograph taking and the number of people having various treatments. Instead of looks levelling out as I've aged the gap between me and the attractive people has got bigger.

I wish I could buy confidence from the shop.

It is more a lack of confidence rather than the fact your ugly!! I’ve never seen a ‘ugly’ person in my life, and my courier guy has half a face where he sadly was engulfed in flames. His not handsome, and it did startle me the first time I met him, but you couldn’t say he was ugly.

I think it’s rare for someone to look at someone else and have the word ugly pop into their mind as a first reaction if I’m honest.

I'm the same age as Kylie Minogue, the kids don't believe it.

You are always more attractive than you think you are. When we stare at ourselves in the mirror we seem to get uglier and uglier as we nit pick every little thing when in reality no one notices them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a truly ugly person.

I find wearing make up gives me more confidence, even just a bit of cheap mascara makes me look less tired. Finding a nice hairstyle and jewellery like earrings or necklace I think can give the illusion of glamour and it gives people something to look at so you’re not so self conscious.

I have compliments quite often that I am pretty but I don’t see it. I know I’m not hideous but I wouldn’t say pretty plus I’m overweight so people might be giving me compliments out of pity lol. I used to be terrible where I would cover up all my mirrors and hide myself away as much as possible, I had some depression at the time but I look back now and think I wish I looked more like I did then as I looked ok but just couldn’t see it. Now I still struggle with having a relationship with someone but I know how lucky I am to have no physical disability or no abnormal features.

A woman I was at college with (many years ago) said to me.. Oh you're quite pretty when you look down.....

At school walking home 3 girls in same year said oh she's pretty bet she has lots of boyfriends... Another then quipped Not with that far arse... I was 15 at the time.

At 13 my mother sent me to the shops, I was bushing my hair and she said I don't know why you're bothering no one look at you.

The mirror is not my friend so I pay it very little attention, other than tweezing out horrid stiff hairs on chin & upper lip. Neat, short hairstyle, plenty of moisturiser. I get on with enjoying what I do rather than how I look.

I cope by not leaving the house and not having mirrors

Some of these replies are really sad to read