Coping with the uglies

[hiccupgate]

If you believe you are ugly - whether or not you actually are - how have you learned to cope?

I hate the way I look. Passionately. It has at times reduced me to tears and sometimes means that I don't want to leave the house.

I don't think I will ever feel as though my appearance is "passable" but at this point, I'd just like some coping mechanisms. I take care of my skin, nails, and hair. I wear make-up and feel like I dress okay (not great, just okay).

Any thoughts? Wasn't quite sure of the thread location, so happy for this to be moved somewhere more appropriate.

I focus on the bits I do like. Entirely random bits but they make it easier not to dwell on the bits I struggle with.

I know this is something of a cliche but I think it is true.

I have friends of all shapes and sizes, they are all beautiful to me.

@fartyface. I’m similar to you! I think I’m an attractive middle-aged woman with good features...but some recent photos seem to highlight the bad ones, like my beaky nose.🤣

I have far more confidence in my appearance in my 40’s than I did 20 years ago and I think it’s partly because I focus on my best features and have learned how to emphasize them. I’ve got a good figure so my clothes are generally tight-fitting and suit my body type; my hair’s always been abit rubbish so I’ve had it cut shorter- not cos I’m older, it’s just not something that adds much to my appearance! Like you, I also pay attention to my skin, nails, etc.

Never compare yourself to other people, there’ll always be someone younger, slimmer, better hair, etc. One of my friends is a former model but I rarely think about how gorgeous she is. Hope you feel better, OP

Well, to me your post sounds as something written by the person who doesn't really love herself. I had pretty low self-efteem as well and my opinion about my appearance was just like yours: passable and that's it. What had helped me a lot is photography: I got a photo shoot booked for me as a present for my birthday and I really LOVED these photos. I looked really nice. I'd never thought I could look like this. before that I wasn't a great an of taking pictures of myself but now I do. So I'd suggest dong the same: find a good photographer and book a photo shoot. Ask the photographer to not edit the photos a lot, just some color correction (you can apply the filters later in some Photoworks or any other program if you wish) and let yourself look at how pretty you can be. The truth is that people look different all the time and camera will catch a hundred versions of you. Just make sure the photographer knows what s/he is doing, look at the portfolio and so on.

I may have developed more confidence as I’ve got older but other people’s comments can still cut deep.
I’m single and my adopted dd screamed at me a few weeks ago, “you had to adopt us because you’re so ugly nobody would sleep with you.” Ouch, that hurt like hell. She, by the way, is stunning with big blue eyes and long blonde hair but not a very nice personality.
My other dd is wracked with insecurity about her looks - her forehead, her ears, her teeth - all of which are perfectly normal.
As someone (Caroline Flack?) said, “in a world where you can be anything, be kind.” And that includes being kind to ourselves.

Gosh, some posts here are very sad to read.

I'm not good-looking by any measure, and I photograph badly. However I have really worked on my figure and my confidence over the last few years and it's paid off. The net effect seems to be that I feel attractive to myself (not physically, but as a person), and then attract others (people complimenting my dress, or saying how good my tan looks, or flirting with me). I didn't and don't focus on my "body confidence" but confidence generally in what I do and how I live my life.

I hope this is helpful rather than patronising or just too vague to be of use. It has really been helpful to me.

This thread is sad. I have noticed that most stylish, striking and attractive people are what some might call ‘ugly’ from a conventional viewpoint. A lot of models, actors and fashion people are like this.

I have also noticed that people are often self-conscious about aspects of their appearance for reasons that are not apparent to observers. In other words, nobody looks at you as critically as you look at yourself, and you are a whole person, not just your appearance.

There are cautionary examples of people who have altered their appearance to look ‘better’ but end up looking completely bland. Jennifer Grey and her nose is a good example of this.

OP I think the modern trend of filters, altering photos via photoshop and fake perfection can make it very difficult for people to remember what normal skin and women actually look like.

I have been seeing friends surprised to see pores in their photos and asking how to get rid of them.

I would recommend watching old video clips, ideally from the 80s. They show such a stark difference to our current normality.

Then arm yourself with a fuck it attitude and do you. I hate the term ugly. I feel that as women we have it imposed on us and have often felt it too. We don't need to play along with this charade from patriarchy, we aren't here to decorate the earth as ornaments.

And in nature, the males tend to be the most colourful and pretty, so that they can attract the females.

I believe in self care, good hygiene and making an effort. That's it. What others feel about you is not your business.

Watch Try by Tracey Colbatt. It's a journey to learn to love ourselves and one we must take.

Thanks everyone. This thread was always going to be a bit of a downer but I just really wanted some crowd wisdom. I'll be saving this and writing some of your ideas down for keeps.