I'm a mess

[Funtcase95]

Just found this topic and realised I'm a total mess and need help.

DH has always said he prefers me in jeans & t shirt and likes my absolutely shit hair as it is. Turns out whilst I've been nursing and caring for our 13 week old DD as well as the house and dog, he's been checking out various other women and from what I can see, they are the polar opposite of myself.

I am not asking for this help for him or to change myself to the kind of woman he's been ogling after, because he can fuck off, but for my own self esteem.

For reference, I'm 5"5/6, size 14, really long (badly coloured) plain side parted hair with no fringe. I usually wear skinny jeans, a t shirt and vans or converse and makeup wise generally just simple foundation & mascara.

Please help me glam up a little!!

Aw sweetheart, your post made me feel a bit sad. You have a 3 month old baby and really shouldn’t be worrying what you look like. Checking out ‘Glamorous’ women is something men have been doing since the dawn of time (buying magazines and going to peep shows etc in the days before the internet!) - women don’t walk around looking like that in rl - please don’t compare yourself to a fantasy.
By all means get your hair cut and coloured and treat yourself to something nice like a facial - but ultimately you need to talk to him about this. Tell him how it’s made you feel. I’d be livid if it was my dh - it’s a really shitty thing to do.

You should be posting in relationships, not style and beauty - this is a dh problem, not a style problem.

I’d just invest in your hair tbh. Good hair makes a huge amount of difference.

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes don't feel sad! It is what it is - he knows how it has made me feel and he's he's very hurt. Unfortunately I don't care too much about his feelings right now.

I'd be happy if it were glamour models! However it is local women from the hobby we both indulge in.

I'm unsure where to start with my hair! Any suggestions @Reginabambina?

You need to do it for you. Not him.
It's early days with a young baby- I'd be concentrating on plenty of sleep and relaxing baths. Maybe use a facemask or a body scrub for a treat whilst he looks after baby.
If you want to and feel you want a change then I'd concentrate on hair. Get a good low-maintanence cut and some conditioning treatments.

Oh that’s rough, I’m sorry.

Not sure what to advise cut wise for your hair without seeing it, I have a pixie cut that takes me seconds to “style” and it does make me feel good. So I’d advise speaking to a hairdresser about an easy to style cut.
Do you wear blusher? I find this really lifts my pale face, if I wear nothing else I wear blusher.
I have also recently discovered colour having avoided it and stuck to black/grey for years. My latest obsession is the ‘love and found’ section of John Lewis as a lot of their stuff is interesting and colourful.
Otherwise I’m like you with skinnies and trainers but more recently branching out into things like leopard print slim fit joggers or leggings. I’ve read that leopard print is a neutral and works with brights... and I does!
You may hate all these ideas but the important thing is to dress for yourself and not try to become someone you think your husband wants.
Big hugs

I am doing this for me - he says he likes me the way I am but clearly doesn't, however I've not bothered to make any effort as I thought this is what he likes but now I know he's full of shit I can make my own decisions.

This picture is a little old, my hair is a mixture of red & grey (can't get the red to go!!) but the same style. Not to worried about my identity so a face scribble will suffice!

Any suggestions?? I'm mid 20s if that helps.

Your hair is lovely and you’re really pretty, you really don’t need to worry!

Do you think that if you change your hair/makeup it will stop him from checking out other women OP? As I said earlier, you really are posting in the wrong place. You are clearly lacking self-esteem at the moment.
You look beautiful from your picture, young and trendy.

Your ‘d’h is a dick to make you feel this way. You are asking how you should change yourself: you shouldn’t. He should change his fucking behaviour!
Trust me, I’m a lot older than you. You will look back when your my age and think “god, I was gorgeous! Why did I think I had to change to please him?”
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! Honestly.

@BuffaloCauliflower what a lovely thing to say, thank you! Unfortunately my hair isn't quite this colour anymore which is what's getting me down I think! I could potentially get it back to this colour with some work?

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes I get what you're saying. Maybe I'm being too slack with him and letting him get to me without realising? He does know he's really hurt me but I'm not sure I believe he's as hurt about it as he says he is!

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes also thank you for your lovely words and compliments.

If you feeling you need a lift for yourself not your DH then book a consultation with a hair dresser see what they think will be best for you to feel better and give you a lift ... men are just insensitive

IMVHO, you need to feel better about youself, and remember all the reasons you got together. Newborns do tend to dominate for a few weeks, because they are so tiny, but it won't go on for very long. Once they get a bit older, everyone will coo a bit, and when DC are dangerously mobile, it will be different again. Early years parenting is about having the rules altered every few/3 months... which is one reason it's hard work. With every week that passes, you wil be bettter able to predict how your child will respond, and better at responding.

HI OP, you look fab in that picture. However, we all feel a little bit ugh after 3 months of looking after a new baby full time. We forget what we used to look like and wonder will it ever return. The great news is you will get back to you (a new you) and will rediscover what suits you and your new life style.

But for now, I would say, go and treat yourself to a great day out at a hairdresser, get a great cut (you don't need a new hairstyle as that is fab on you, perhaps just a trim) and a colour and condition. Let someone pamper you and make you feel special, because you are special.

I wouldn't even try to change your clothes until you have an older child - life is tough enough now, stick to comfy clothes, great hair and maybe a tinted moisturiser (only for you, for when you go to mum and baby groups - and I urge you to please go and meet up with some other new mums like you - your PHN should have a list of coffee morning groups for new mums in your area) and you will find everyone (well nearly everyone) is in the same boat with lacklustre hair and clothes and tiredness and new babies. And hopefully you find a wonderful group of mums to support you at this time and make you realise how wonderful you are.

OP you have lovely hair on that pic!

This won't make me very popular, but. I can't help thinking you're fishing for compliments to be perfectly honest. I'm not going to stay you're stunning because look at your picture, You must know that your self, surely to God.

Thank you all for your compliments, it really does make me feel better!

@Awwlookatmybabyspider don't be daft, I can totally see where you're coming from. The picture I've used is old (don't really have any recent pictures that show my hair style & face shape) but I did state that my hair colour is different to in the imagine, and is absolutely shite - dark grey with tones of red that I cannot remove. I honestly wasn't looking for compliments, only suggestions on how to restyle myself to feel better, but I feel so much more positive about myself from the compliments and I've been made to realise my DH is just a massive twat

Your DH is being an immature selfish dickhead and it has nothing whatsoever to do with how you look. I promise you. Bloody unbelievably hurtful thing to do and it's no surprise it's hit your self esteem but you're not responsible for his pathetic behaviour. From what I can see you're gorgeous and look cool af. Do not put yourself down.

It's not your looks you need to change. It's your dh. Bin him off, the absolute wanker.

Congratulations on your new baby! You are busy enough with a small baby without worrying about the big baby i.e Dh. Do something nice for you not him. I cant believe he is making you feel this way when he should be supporting you and grateful for the new bundle of joy.
I recommend the following for a quick perk up, gradual tan e.g. dove as it takes no time to apply. Paint your toe and finger nails. Get an eye trio with brow shape and tint, along with an eye lash tint.
Your picture is beautiful and please do not let anyone knock your confidence.

You are bloody lovely!

Honestly though - I would focus away from your appearance at this stage. Instead book some time to do something you really love while he minds the baby. This will sounds trite but I can't find another way to say it, focus on your soul- on your happiness. Good hair colour can wait (unless of course that's the thing that brings you happiness)

When you say he's checking out other women how do you mean? These are women you said he knows - is he looking at pictures of them on social media in front of you or something else?
I'm just wondering how you know he's been checking them out? It's thoughtless of him to be ogling other women and not be discreet about it but I can't help feel that it will give your confidence even more of a kick if he is letting it be known that he's interested in people you actually know socially.

Sorry I posted too soon - you look lovely in that photo.

You look really pretty and your hair is lovely!

What lovely messages to wake up to - thank you all so much. I'm now on a mission to get my hair back that colour and maybe take some time to myself to relax. I had further words with DH last night, he's still saying he's hurting to know how much he's hurt me and so on, I'm still being really cold toward him and I'm in no position to forgive right now. You've all been so lovely, what a brilliant place Mumsnet can be!