What is ageing my friend?

[rhetoricalmugwump]

I'm 35, my friend is 46 but looks younger. I look about my age, maybe 33 on a really good day.

We're both celtic, so there is a similarity of skin tone and colouring etc.... She's one dress size larger than me.

However, when we are out, we are often mistaken for mother and daughter (not sisters). It's really knocking her confidence, but I have no idea why people are making that assumption. On face value and in reality there isnt enough of an age gap.

I'm wondering if its the fact that she dresses trendily and I don't? Nothing mad, just wearing the jeans/trainers that 'everyone' has, and the little things like painting one nail a different colour or midi rings (when everyone was going that), frequent hair colour changes. I guess I'm more classic, I stick to shapes and colours that suit me and rarely deviate. In theory I should look older from being boring.

Or is it maybe confidence, I seem a bit wallflowery in comparison and so must be younger?

Could you ask her to say “this is my friend Helen” or whatever?

I think it's because 46 is nearly 50. When I was in my 30s I didn't look much different to when I was in my 20s. I was 46 last year and I have realised I look it. But compared to some other 46 year olds I look younger because I have good skin, because I don't tan and wear factor 50 on holiday. But I definitely look nearer 50 than 30. Compared to a 30 year old I would look my age.

I have a friend who is 40 with a 50 year old sister. My friend has a 4 year old and a baby. When they are out together with the baby people will sometimes refer to the sister as the grandmother. Both sisters look their age, more or less, but I think most people don’t look that closely and just see baby + mum + slightly older woman and their minds just clock to grandmother. I don’t think people are really looking closely at you and friend - they just see ‘some age disparity’ and subconsciously click to the easiest relationship of mum and daughter

I think it's because 46 is nearly 50. When I was in my 30s I didn't look much different to when I was in my 20s. I was 46 last year and I have realised I look it. But compared to some other 46 year olds I look younger because I have good skin, because I don't tan and wear factor 50 on holiday. But I definitely look nearer 50 than 30. Compared to a 30 year old I would look my age.

She simply wont let me introduce myself anymore. She launches in first. I never get the first word in with anyone new. She cuts accross me and talks over me.

Hair is similar (mine is shoulder length, hers a long bob), but very different in colour.

Is it not just that people often assume if you aren't the same age you aren't friends but related? I'm 30 but probably look late 20s (Though constantly get id'd) I have friends in mid 40s and people always think they are my mum.

I don't really understand how dressing trendy would age her?

I would have assumed the natural assumption would be sisters, but yes, people are probably just being logical and its nothing to do with what either of us look like.

I dont know, trying to hard maybe? There is a bit of 'trying to stay current' vs I really like this top, but I know that from shopping with her, not because you see it.

I think an age gap of over 10 years wouldn’t necessarily register as a sister relationship to most people. It’s not something you can help and it’s not fair of her to treat you differently because of it. She doesn’t sound every pleasant!

Very pleasant!

It's become unpleasant, yes. Theres little comments which I might be being sensitive about (hard to tell).

It's this cloud that overshaddows everything.

Maybe i'll just avoid one-to-one situations for a bit.

Briskly or brusquely? The brush off?

I mean very harsh.

I don’t know why people are saying the friend doesn’t sound pleasant.
I’m sure she’s busy introducing you as her friend, to avoid people assuming you’re her daughter. It might annoy you but you can see why she’s doing it. I don’t think that makes her unpleasant

I'd change things up and just see her for lunch or the cinema or things like that, rather than going out to bars or on the pull. Then you can stay friends without these issues.

The unpleasantness is coming from the comments. She's becoming defensive and a bit aggressive now.

For example, we've both always enjoyed skincare chats. Now it's 'don't ask me' in a tone that say's back off. I've always asked her advice, she has amazing skin.

If I wear something nice there is now a backhanded compliment.

The title of this thread is pretty unpleasant - leaving aside for the moment the “unpleasantness” of the friend for introducing you as her “friend”.

Hmmmmm

Agree drina

And to add, when I opened the thread I thought the op was going to give some advice for the friend who had asked for it. Clearly there’s going to be feedback to the friend (i bloody hope not anyway!) so I am struggling to see the purpose of this thread at all. Simply musing over why someone is mistaken for being older than they are? Nice

I agree drina.
You could focus on making yourself look older OP. But not sure what you're looking for in this thread.

Maybe it's because you are obviously pleased when you are seen as much younger than her. The fact that you started this thread suggests that.

I couldnt think of a better title sorry. I'm not trying to be unpleasant. The friendship is going to end if this doesnt change, and its sad.

Its the aggeressive way the introducing is being done, the tone of our interactions has changed. Theres a sharpness to nearly everything. You know yourself when a freindship has soured, and this has, over this age gap thats always been there.

I give up. I've said repeatedly I look my age, she looks young for hers.

I wanted to understand why people might be thinking it when I cant see it myself. I pointed out the differences I can see. I hoped understanding why would help me deal with it better. I'm being a crap friend for letting it fester, but I dont know what to actually say as I dont know why this has started happening.

Sometimes I find that people with Celtic colouring often have pale skin with freckles which can be quite thin, fragile looking and as people get older they get very fine wrinkles around their eyes / forehead. Not saying this is the case with you and your friend, and not trying to offend any one. But if this is the case then someone mid 40's could look quite a bit older than someone mid 30's.

If you look similar, people are just guessing a familial relationship, deciding that your age is far enough apart to be mother and daughter than sisters so guessing you are are around 33 and your friend is a young looking 50 year old.

Easy to see why this would happen but not so easy to find a way to stop your friend getting upset.

For all you know it could be a few one off events and never happen again. Maybe you and your friend are too concerned about a) how old you look and b) the opinions of random men.
Why not just focus on your friendship instead

Thanks shinynewapple2020, yes, you're right. I have more discolouration, but she does have more fine lines.

Cinammoncake, yes, it may never happen again. But the damage has been done based on the behaviour changes. She's clearly quite hurt.

I'm not expressing myself very well if what i'm saying sounds like i'm revelling in my friends hurt feelings or fishing for complements when you cant even see me.