Help dress a middle-aged fatty for a date-type scenario

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

That's it, really... to be clear, I haven't secured any dates yet, but I am about to start putting a profile up on some OLD sites, and I would feel less nervous about it if I had my date strategies sorted out in advance. I'm an overplanner, I just try to work with it these days!

So I am 40 and plus-sized. I don't have much body confidence and there's little I actively like about the way I look, but I suppose I'm at peace with the fact that this is how I am and I generally try to dress to cover up, but in a stylish way. I wear mostly slim-fitting trousers and midi skirts with brogues or long boots, which is fine for work and leisure time, but I can see how it wouldn't be the most appealing thing to turn up to a date in.

I am 5'5", pear-shaped with a belly, no waist to speak of, proportionally small boobs. I can't wear heels because of joint problems, although block-heeled boots are ok so long as I don't have to walk very far in them.

Any and all ideas are welcome - for lunchtime coffee dates and perhaps evening drinks. I do follow trends but often find they don't really suit me, and it's been so long since I dated that I don't really know how formal or dressed up you're expected to be these days.

Imo a lot of the dresses being suggested are very fashionable and would get admiring glances from other women but they are not what men find sexy. This season's high necklines and long sleeves are a bit Handmaid. I think men prefer well fitting jeans with heels and glamorous layers on top - silk, velvet, maybe a bike jacket or velvet jacket, a modest amount of cleavage on show.

Those DP wrap dresses are lovely! I'd steer well away from pleated skirts though they only look good on size 0 imo

newdeer you may have a point, but as mentioned in my OP, I can't wear heels and I don't have anything to "make" a cleavage with! I do have various options for doing glamorous layers, though, and I would definitely feel more comfortable in jeans than skirts. I suppose feeling comfortable in what you're wearing makes you look more confident and therefore more attractive?

mumblechum0 I agree about pleated skirts. To me, they make the wearer look like they've got a valance, unless they're tall and super-slim.

The monsoon dress only comes in navy unfortunately.

You could unbutton the top a bit and wear a colourful vest top underneath.

I'll keep looking. Any favourite colours & do you like patterns?

I've got proportionally very large thighs, bum and calves, and I totally understand your dilemma. In your situation I would go for a jersey wrap dress that comes to below the knee but not midi length. And shoes with a heel, or boots (not ankle boots). Dress it up with a blazer (charity shop or e-bay?) And some nice jewellery. A decent bra is a must I think (for lots of reasons

TheSummoningDark navy's fine . It's my go-to neutral! It's just black that I find unforgiving on my face. I'm a summer, colour-wise, very pale with light brown hair and freckles.

I’ve just bought this from Sainsbury’s. It also comes in red and a rusty brown colour. Really flattering and only £22!

tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/p/Navy-Corduroy-Long-Sleeve-Shirt-Dress-/136025573

It's lovely, but too short for me. My knees are not really for public display, trust me!

A lot of people have mentioned heels. I really, really can't wear them - I have a joint condition which affects my feet, hips and spine, so it's not just a case of not being able to walk in them, they will actually hurt me. Is it really considered to be necessary? Will flats be a dead loss and send men fleeing in horror? I have lots of nice low-heeled options that I've built up, and they have to be able to fit my orthiotics, so it is kind of non-negotiable I'm afraid.

I wouldn't worry about the flats. If you never wear heels then you don't want to get into a relationship with someone who thinks ladies-should-wear heels but you do need to think about projecting a bit of erotic appeal I think.

A hint of cleavage just means a bit of skin not that you need loads to push together. Also the think about silk/velvet is it means they subconsciously want to touch it.

It's just little touches that make it different from something you'd wear to work or lunch with a female friend.

I don't have great legs but I think they're ok in thick opaques - are you sure you can't wear something above the knee?

totallyradllama I could, but I would feel self-conscious, and I would already be feeling nervous and unsure about whether the guy would like me, so I feel like it would be an extra level of stress that I didn't need. I would be constantly wanting to pull the skirt down over my knees and thinking about how enormous my thighs look when I sit down.

I'm starting to talk myself out of dating at all here! I don't think I have any erotic appeal at all, so not sure how I would go about projecting it.

Would you consider something like this? Maybe over jeans or leather type almost-leggings. Available up to a size 18. It’s a little over budget - but we’re racing towards the sales now.

I think even on the model, it looks a bit like a bathrobe, albeit a luxurious one for lounging around in - but I do like the green jacquard one underneath it!

I don't have anything to "make" a cleavage with!
Yes, but see previous post about balcony padded bras. They give everyone a cleavage. Essentail investment for pear shaped people. (I was pear shaped for years then eventually my body ran out of places to add fat so gave me a pair of boobs that I love. But in my past life. padded balcony bras featured a lot.

Have a look at Laura Puddy's profile on Instagram - she's a style editor for a magazine and shes all about dressing for every body style and shape. She's fab and might have some style ideas you like

A wrap dress is flattering on anyone because it slims the waist and gives a more proportionate look. Invest in a good bra that makes you feel like a queen and some slimming tights if you're conscious of your waist. High waisted trousers or jeans or skirts would also be good and try to stick to things that are figure hugging and flattering.

A good bra to make the most of your boobs, low heeled knee high boots and a dress that is low cut and skins rather than clings

I was going to recommend a wrap dress but not one with long sleeves they do look awful. A short sleeved dress and long cardigan

Hi OP I was on the plus size thread you mentioned - although not for a while. Someone on there recommended girlfriend jeans from Sainsbury’s which I bought in black. ( no blue in the 18). Ive enjoyed wearing them.... they’re a bit looser around the thighs but not baggy... a slim look overall. I don’t normally buy supermarket jeans but I like them. At the moment I’m pairing them with ankle boots with a low Cuban heel... I’m lucky that I’ve found new pairs by Jones etc in local charity shops. ( I’ve got an oxblood pair, grey suede and a snakeprint pair). They are not remotely high. For a coffee date I would probably wear a cashmere sweater with them and an oversized blazer with either a slouchy hobo bag or crossbody bag. Sweaters for me look better with a V as I have bigger boobs but no doubt you know what suits your shape. For evening I might try a velvet blazer... I have one in midnight blue ( again from a charity shop) but I know Next were selling a lovely deep red one. I’d love to pair it with a nice evening top if it was a night time meeting. For dresses I like ASOS Curve as they generally do kimono shapes which are really flattering.... you don’t need Curve necessarily because 16 is not really big. 40 is not middle aged either.... sorry to break it to you

This is the kind of shape I mean when I say kimono dress. They do loads of these in different colours. This model is 5’11 and a size 18. You could wear a silky cami underneath if it’s too low cut for you. I would say it’s a universally flattering shape and sexy.

Errrrr photo not showing.

I can see it divebar! It's nice, but I think it's the exact dress that my salon bought for all their stylists as their uniform! I just wouldn't be able to look at it as a sexy date dress! If it came in a different colour it would definitely be an option though. I can wear low v-necks because I don't have to contend with potential boob poppage.

I really appreciate all the advice. I know I am asking a lot - wanting to be covered up but still look nice. I wish I wasn't so bothered about my shape, but there it is. I have lots of ideas to work on now, which is more than I had before...

Have you joined the 'plus size what are you wearing' thread? It's brilliant. Lots of ideas.

I read it Peachypips78 but I don't contribute. I saw that there was a discussion on there a while ago about feeling like you're "the wrong type of fat" and that's definitely how I feel at the moment. So many of the women on there have lovely curves, long glossy hair, and beautiful skin, and I just have lumpy thighs, frizz, and acne. I'm happy just to look at what others are wearing and pick out ideas that might suit me.

If it came in a different colour ...

Like this?

The title made me lol. Is 40 middle aged? I thought we'd have til at least 50. What about this?

m2.hm.com/m/en_gb/productpage.0830770001.html

I was coming back to post this

www.next.co.uk/g83106s1

But I see Divebar beat me to it, if it's the same one. If it has a tinge of pink IRL I was picturing it with a dusky pink top. It might look better in my head.

There's no point in wearing heels if you're uncomfortable. I can't imagine it making a good date if all you can think about is your feet hurting.

I have varicose veins, dermatofibroma and fat thighs. The trick is to put the focus on the bits you like.