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Original poster

Help me help my DD (tactfully)- any 30-ish olds out there?

79 replies

LucindaPeel72 · 30/12/2018 11:09

DD is 31. She's very pretty (everyone says so) gorgeous figure, fit, interesting, intelligent (not that I am biased) looks early 20s, and she's looking for a boyfriend, having broken up with a couple of long term ones and been through a bit of heart ache. I know she is aware of her bio clock.

She loves clothes but they never - in my opinion- do her justice. She tends to go for high necked tops, often voluminous in ditsy prints and except for summer dresses, never shows an inch of flesh.

The men she has met before have been friends of friends, so she's never 'put herself out there' looking to date. But that source seems to have dried up.
But if she does is there any way I can gently suggest she tries to look a bit less 'prim' if she hits the dating scene? I don't mean fishnets and a tiny skirt obviously, but something that is a bit more flattering? Or should I just keep quiet?

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 31/12/2018 10:43

Oh my goodness OP. Please leave her alone. She’ll find the right person for her without flashing a bit more tit. Women are not toys for men or accessories. Stop trying to make her into one. I know you mean well but please have a really good think about this.

katekat383 · 31/12/2018 11:02

I think her style sounds lovely. What I din’t think sounds lovely, however, is you idea that she should dress in a certain way to get a man. Honestly.🙄

katekat383 · 31/12/2018 11:03

don’t
your

beanaseireann · 31/12/2018 11:08

reallyanotherone and Countessvonboobs

I don't take my dd clothes shopping.
She asks me to come with her if she's planning to go to an outlet.

GraceMarks · 31/12/2018 11:48

OP, I hope you're still reading. Some of the advice on here has been really good and constructive and I think you have been a bit over-defensive because you feel criticised.

But the main thing here is that your daughter is 31, not 17. She is old enough to have her own sense of style and I think there is very little you could say that wouldn't be interpreted as a criticism. I know that if my mother started telling me that I ought to emphasise my figure more in the hope of attracting a man, I would find it pretty insulting, not to mention old-fashioned.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2018 11:51

So you think your daughter should get her tits out for the lads ?

Blimey

CountessVonBoobs · 31/12/2018 12:26

Do you not have the kind of relationship where you could say "oh I know what you would look lovely in" and make some suggestions?

[Shudder]

Thank God my mother and I don't have that kind of relationship. She thinks I'd "look lovely in" the kind of puff-sleeved dress with matching ribbons she used to buy me for church when I was 8.

reallyanotherone · 31/12/2018 12:44

Thank God my mother and I don't have that kind of relationship. She thinks I'd "look lovely in" the kind of puff-sleeved dress with matching ribbons she used to buy me for church when I was 8

My mother would have me dressed as some sort of stepford wife; coiffed hair, nails polished, bikini waxed. A naice blouse and skirt with tights and a medium heel. From somewhere like country casuals or Jacques Vert. Face made up subtly but with a splash of lipstick to brighten me up. Oh and much shorter hair as my long hair looks “witchy”.

I have always let my kids pick their own outfits. Who cares if a toddler is wearing a cinderella dress, or a spotted brown t shirt with blue and yellow stripy leggings. My mum used to hate me not enforcing “nice clothes”. But both of them have so much confidence now and have learned what they like. Neither need my input now as teens.

LadyLapsang · 31/12/2018 12:51

In general I think you should keep quiet, but you could give her a voucher for somewhere such as Rixo, which does great dresses which look like they would suit her style.

sherrysfortea · 31/12/2018 13:38

If you were my mother we would have very, very minimal contact

CrazySheepLady · 31/12/2018 14:07

I know you only have your daughter's best interests at heart, OP, and just want her to look and feel fabulous in clothes which flatter her body. However, it's a sensitive subject to bring up. Maybe you could suggest a personal shopping appointment for the two of you, as a treat, making out you think you need some help in the style department, Or how about the two of you getting your colours done together?

My mother openly used to tell me when she thought I looked a mess or looked fat. That's the wrong way to go about it, and I think by asking for help here, you've shown you know that.

mabelstanley · 31/12/2018 14:14

@CountessVonBoobs not everyone has good taste unfortunately Smile

Me and my mum have minimal contact for many reasons so don't have these sorts of conversations but I have friends where we will say to each other what we think looks nice on each other, it's not unreasonable to think that mums and daughters could have that kind of relationship too.

Plus, people are staying youthful and stylish longer than ever these days, some of my friends mothers are in their 50s and wear similar clothes to us in our late 20s/early 30s.

Easilyflattered · 31/12/2018 18:23

Well I think you've been pounced on a bit unfairly OP.

I think the personal shopper idea is good, but sell it as you want a bit of an overhaul too, and that you want to experiment with new styles and feel like you've got in a bit of a rut. Even if you are already perfectly well dressed. The ten compliments you make on new clothes (that you think she'd be better off wearing) will be undone by one careless remark about something she'd gravitate to but you don't like.

My grandmother was a beauty queen, model and worked in fashion. She could have offered brilliant style advice to the more ordinary looking amongst us, however she had no tact whatsoever and was chalked up as a vain, unkind snob.

2019rubberband · 31/12/2018 18:41

Well I think you've been pounced on a bit unfairly OP

Did you read the OP?

Easilyflattered · 31/12/2018 21:22

Yes, the original post was badly worded, but I think the subsequent ones clarified what she meant.

She's not expecting her daughter to dress up like a stripper, just to wear more flattering clothing which might give a better image for online dating.

I would make an effort for a dating profile photo. I also wear a suit for job interviews.

2019rubberband · 31/12/2018 21:41

The subsequent posts actually reiterate that OP thinks her DD needs to dress to get a man.

prettywhiteguitar · 31/12/2018 21:53

The problem with her changing her style and becoming sexier is that isn’t who she is. There will be men out there who will she her sir who she is and they will be much nicer than those who are easily swung by sexy outfits

Etino · 31/12/2018 22:00

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone they’re sending a message with the way they’re dressed.
If you have the sort of relationship where you can joke or advise each other about your clothes.
My dds and my mum regularly tell me I dress like a Hasidic Jew (we’re not Jewish) or a soccer mum. And I tell my dds they look like hobos lovely.
If you’re unsure of how to broach a subject you probably shouldn’t.

2019rubberband · 31/12/2018 22:17

There’s nothing wrong with telling someone they’re sending a message with the way they’re dressed

No there is not. But telling someone they need to dress a certain way to send a message to get a man, that's entirely different.

Joinourclub · 31/12/2018 23:39

You can’t understand why she hasn’t met a decent bloke, and the only answer your brain can land upon is her poor fashion sense. But life is more complicated than that. Finding a bloke isn’t as simple as showing a bit of cleavage, especially a decent one.

dibly · 31/12/2018 23:47

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough ride on here OP. My mum has been invaluable in giving me a nudge towards more daring clothes, which I have loved, with the 'only young once' mantra. I hope you get a great shopping day, with a few glasses of wine, and the chance to both try on clothes you wouldn't normally wear.

Batteriesallgone · 31/12/2018 23:49

A colleague who felt quite motherly towards me tried to intervene about my style when I said I was doing OLD.

DH was my first OLD meet up (and my last haha!) and I actually pointed out to him the bits of my outfit she wouldn’t approve of and asked him his opinion. He had...no opinion. And just said he wanted me to feel comfortable, as he was enjoying my company so much.

I think OLD gives more opportunity to be valued for your personality over presentation. Often you exchange a few messages before meeting up, and when you do meet, it’s just a case of relief THEY SHOWED UP I can’t imagine extensively critiquing their outfit and potentially leaving if they don’t come up to standard!

But what would I know, I guess, as DH turned up in a hoody and I still married him so maybe I’ve got low standards Grin

Lotsofsausage · 01/01/2019 15:37

So you'd rather she attracted a bloke through showing off her tits more or wearing tight clothes? Exactly what kind of man do you want her to attract? ffs.

angstridden2 · 01/01/2019 17:13

I think people are being a bit harsh towards the OP.Her daughter would like to meet someone, her mum thinks dressing so primly is not helping this.as far as I can see she isn’t asking the woman to dress like a sex worker, just in more flattering clothes. Let’s not be naive, blokes are attracted by looks initially, if they’re put off by the image you project they wont bother to find out what a great personality you have.sad, but true.

She’s just a mum trying to help her daughter find happiness...yes, the girl is an adult but you never stop wanting to make things right for them sadly.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 01/01/2019 17:17

Are you my mum?
I dress smart and a little bit posh.
My mum likes things I would find tacky, too loud or too fashionable (I like to be timeless).
Would I like my mum to give me fashion advice as I’m too prim?
Nope I’d like to give her some as I think she looks ridiculous but respect she has her own opinion on clothes x