Help me help my DD (tactfully)- any 30-ish olds out there?

[LucindaPeel72]

DD is 31. She's very pretty (everyone says so) gorgeous figure, fit, interesting, intelligent (not that I am biased) looks early 20s, and she's looking for a boyfriend, having broken up with a couple of long term ones and been through a bit of heart ache. I know she is aware of her bio clock.

She loves clothes but they never - in my opinion- do her justice. She tends to go for high necked tops, often voluminous in ditsy prints and except for summer dresses, never shows an inch of flesh.

The men she has met before have been friends of friends, so she's never 'put herself out there' looking to date. But that source seems to have dried up.
But if she does is there any way I can gently suggest she tries to look a bit less 'prim' if she hits the dating scene? I don't mean fishnets and a tiny skirt obviously, but something that is a bit more flattering? Or should I just keep quiet?

I think you're in an impossible situation here - you might have a well informed opinion, you might even be right but you cannot say this to her.

I agree with suggestions about third parties, based on opportunities to make her feel good about herself and go from there.

I have been her, more or less. The reality is that dress is a form of comunication. It also becomes very habitual. Some styles do convey 'reserved, contained, nothing to see here'. Especially when combined with behaviour that does the same. (Likewise, one can easily portray desparation, which is even more off-putting / likely to attract the wrong type).

It's the internal belief and attitude that really counts though. Clothing choices follow from that. Mixed messages are confusing and off-putting. Portraying one thing while feeling another will not help her.

Help her feel great about herself first. Then give her an opportunity to re-visit her style, in the nicest way, if it's possible to do that in a way that would be welcomed. Then leave her to it and listen if requested.

I did OLD. Was nothing but myself. Been with DH for 14 years, married for 6.

Be yourself is the only advice. Airs, graces, projections, performances all attract people to something/someone other than yourself. Unless you can keep it all up forever, it's doomed to eventual failure.

I'm 30, and if my mother ever implied that she thought my clothes were unflattering or "not doing me justice" I'd be extremely upset and mortified. (Even though I'd perhaps know that my mum wouldn't have meant to upset me). It's implying that your daughter doesn't dress "right" and is likely to dent her self-esteem even more OP. For what it's worth I met someone a few years ago who is now my DH and he loves me not matter what I choose to wear, and I definitely don't dress to "do myself justice" a lot of the time!
Personally I feel it sends a bit of a dangerous message about women being forced to dress in a way that they don't want to or doesn't feel like them just to satisfy someone else's desires.

In short: well-intentioned but terrible idea in my opinion!

Does she look/dress like this girl?

(watch to the end).

If so, men would absolutely fall in love with her.

Sorry, the clip doesn't show the bit, where she says that it's her grandmother's skirt.

She's adorable.

You'd be surprised what men fall for.

Keep quiet. She should be with someone who appreciates her for who she is now, not how much skin she is showing. Please don't mention this to her. She's in her thirties (as am I). If she wanted to dress differently, she would.

There's nothing wrong with showing a bit of skin if that's what you're comfortable with. But it's obviously not her thing. So, leave it be.

I met my husband while wearing jeans, a huge jumper and all the layers I could squeeze on. Our first dates I was wearing much the same things.

Somehow he managed to see past that and marry me anyway.

There’s no point in her being anyone other than herself. She won’t attract someone who will love her for her that way and it will be doomed to fail anyway. Just keep quiet.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here OP! Your desire for your daughter to be happy comes through in your post.
I'm 27 and I have to admit, if my mum said similar to me, I would bite her head off BUT it would plant the seed for me at least.
I like fashion/style but often think I get it wrong. I think late 20s/early 30s can be a difficult time style wise - some of my contemporaries are very much skinny jeans and 'on trend' bags, effortless look as girls in early 20s wear whereas some are jeans and jumpers 'mum' style.
I think KavvLar suggestion of getting colours done is an excellent idea. Might it be better if you phrase it like wanting a companion to come with you, rather than for her benefit?

My dh loved my quirky style and down to earth attitude. Because I was being me.

This is awful. Have some respect and kindness.

This is a bit grim tbh, it sounds like you're saying she needs to flash sum flesh to net herself a man, like its the olden days :/

I almost always cover up completely and have never had a prob attracting men. I met my husband in scruffy jeans and a hoodie

As a PP has said, your OP did come across a little Bridget Jones's mum Having said that, I'm assuming you genuinely care and believe that you're justified in your concern.

Honestly though, I really wouldn't say anything. If her issue was hygiene, bad breath, BO etc, then yes, a tactful word from someone would be appropriate, but this is just about her sense of style, which tbf, just doesn't sound to your taste.

Yes, some women do wear very little thinking that is the way to attract a man and of course it will work initially, but if you want your DD to find someone for the long term, I suggest you just let her get on with being her. She's clearly got a lot going for her, as you say, so she will find someone who is right for her.

At 31, she's hardly 'on the shelf'. Apologies for the hideous expression

OP I know you are coming from a good place and only have your dd's best interest at heart.
One of my dd's just isn't style savvy. She just hasn't a clue what enhances her and what makes her look less attractive. She has other brilliant talents but clothes shopping to make the most of herself is not one of them.
We sometimes go shopping together and she does value my input. But she is very sensitive about her weight and I have to be very careful.

One of my dd's just isn't style savvy. She just hasn't a clue what enhances her and what makes her look less attractive. She has other brilliant talents but clothes shopping to make the most of herself is not one of them

My mum would say the same about me. She takes me shopping and gives me her “valued input”.

Truth is i don’t give a flying fuck about attractiveness, enhancing myself or making the most of myself. My clothes are comfortable and functional.

I have worn t-shirt, jeans and doc martins/trainers since my teens. I don’t wear makeup, get my nails/eyebrows/hair done.

The few times i have let my mother dress me for an event to make her happy I have felt so uncomfortable and self conscious i had no fun at all.

I have never been short of male admirers, nearly always managed to pull on night out if I so wished.

Leave her alone o/p. If that is who she is she will find her match. Don’t try and change her.

Op I was wondering if she's talked to you about it? Maybe there is a reason for her covering up? Maybe she feels she's in a runt but doesn't know what to do/can't afford to revamp. Are you in a position to treat her to a shopping trip?
I would go very gently and start if it's coming from love.
Good luck

I would be suggesting she broadens her social circle via shared interests rather than be woman as object.

One of my dd's just isn't style savvy. She just hasn't a clue what enhances her and what makes her look less attractive.

Then she doesn't want to be. It's a learned and learnable skill like any and there are a million resources for those who want to learn. If a grown woman with no SN isn't "style savvy", it's because she doesn't particularly want to be.
Nor does it sound like the DD isn't style savvy. She just has her own style that her mother doesn't like.

Leave it alone, OP. I'm sure you mean well. I'm also sure that the idea that all that is stopping her from finding Mr Right is her clothes is just silly. Do you really think that there's a man right there who would get her personality, share her values, love her and cherish her, but nothing's come of it because he hasn't seen her cleavage? If there's something more going on than being unlucky - and again, she is not that old - let's say that she is unconsciously pushing away partners for some reason, new clothes that she doesn't like will do nothing to change that. You will come off like Pam Jones, and you will probably annoy and embarrass her in equal measure.

Unless she asks for your opinion, leave her be. I have spent most of my relationship with my partner in leggings and mum jumpers and he doesn’t care a bit

I think OP is getting a hard time here. But like a PP said, it's hard to know if her DD could do with a bit of a fashion/style injection or if she's rocking a certain look, and floral/high neck is a certain look. I can think of a certain gorgeous TV presenter/personality who is very much accepted as stunning/gorgeous and she wears floral high neck dresses and ankle boots all the time and looks fab. (She does also wear short stuff as well but the floral high neck stuff looks amazing).

If your DD seems happy and confident with her look then I'd probably leave well alone. There's all sorts of men out there who go for quirky or just whatever style the woman is wearing because confidence in itself is attractive.

On the other hand if you feel your DD could do with a bit of a nudge then I'd probably suggest a shopping trip for yourself and then see what she picks out or you could suggest something she might not have thought of herself.

My mum probably doesn't "get" my fashion style all the time but I know what I like and I'm happy in it. I don't think she'd want to change me but she's of a different generation so she doesn't get modern fashion references. Heck, I'm in my 40s and I don't get the 20s style most of the time when I look on the fast fashion websites - everything stretchy, (showing off every lump and bump unless you're a supermodel), backless, cutouts, more stretchy stretchy stretchy - urgh. Boobs, belly, thighs all emphasised and often at the same time. But then I'm not in the 15-25 age bracket am I, so what do I know

I really don't think it matters what she wears unless she looks truly awful. My partner loves my lack of style and would hate me to dress in something that 'wasn't me'.
My ex partners have felt the same way too and I've met the last couple online so they saw how I dressed on the photos (no makeup, casual clothes etc) and it didn't put them off in the slightest.

I think fashion for women at the moment is much more comfortable/loose and less sexy/fussy than it has been in the past which is IMO a good thing. You could always try complimenting anything she wears that you do like but I wouldn't criticise her style generally unless she asks for an opinion as that will come across as pretty offensive. TBH I think meeting someone has much more to do with having a full life, trying new things (opportunities to meet people etc.) and just luck as anything else.

Not flattering, in your opinion OP. I do think it's a bit weird to be angling for her to show a bit of flesh/imply sexuality/accentuate her figure if she wants to find herself a man. It's a bit dated and uncomfortable even if you mean it in a well intentioned way. A 'nice picture of herself doesn't need to pander to what you seem to think men want to see to pique their interest.
Nobody really needs their mum to step in on this frankly, it sounds like her style is very much a reflection of what's in fashion, regardless of how it seems to you. 31 is far to old to get it from your mum about putting on something 'nice' instead or properly fitting bras etc, she's 31, not 13. I think you're right to abandon the whole line of thought, it's overbearing and has odd connotations, sounds like the last thing she needs.

I think op is getting a hard time.

Do you not have the kind of relationship where you could say "oh I know what you would look lovely in" and make some suggestions?

That's all you can do tbh, suggest things, and if she's already thinking she'd like to change things up a bit the. She might, but she might be happy the way she is.

You could always try complimenting anything she wears that you do like

Unless she has a mental age of a small child she will see straight through this. It’s my mother’s very obvious tactic.

The idea that she need to change her clothes to find herself a man to settle down with it ridiculous. Are you always so shallow OP?

Leave her alone.